April 8, 2010

One is the loneliest number?

Lately I've been wondering if something is wrong with me...

I don't think I want to have another child. I think I'm perfectly content with just my Lovie.

But it's more than that. I can't seem to comprehend why some actually *want* more than one child. I mean, what difference does it make to me if someone else had 2, 3, 19 kids?! Who cares, right? But for some reason I do care and it does matter to me... but I have no clue why.

Maybe I'm trying to understand the purpose of having more than one child in the hopes that I, too, will want another?? Or maybe I'll feel more... human... if I understand it why I don't want another one.

But I don't get it and that makes me feel very ... ... I don't even know!!

I love Lovie so much. I've known for nearly 20 years now that I wanted to become a Mom and am so incredibly grateful to be one (finally)... so why stop now? Why not try to have another?

Gah, I don't know why!!

Maybe it's because it's only been 3 months since Lovie was born... maybe it's because I have to work (not a choice right now!) and I miss Lovie so much and can't imagine having to miss two babies this much... maybe it's because I'm selfish and am afraid that I couldn't possibly love another baby the way I love Lovie... maybe, maybe, maybe.

I just wish I had a reason- one that I believed- as to why I don't want another child... as to why I cringe when I hear someones pregnant again.

Because right now, all I know is that I really do not want another child. I just want Lovie.

1/2 hour baby girl!!

1 comment:

  1. I totally know how you feel.. I felt that way 17 years ago when I had my daughter and I still feel that way. However, my new husband, whom is childless, would like to have one naturally. It's a very difficult decision, especially now that my daughter is off to college.


speak your mind.