New Year's Eve, 2012

The year is twenty-twelve...for another 14 hours or so, at least.

I never in my life dreamed of a day when I would be writing or thinking about the year 2012. That number is just so beyond cray cray to me. At least it was back when I was a little shit of a kid.

Yet here we are embarking on another year: 2013.

Mind blowing to me.

Seriously though, how lucky are we to be here today?!

Despite some horrible things happening to us, around us... we're still very lucky to be here today.

Some days can be so hard and trying and tiring but at the end of the day, it's so worth it. Because you had that day and, if you continue to be lucky, you'll have tomorrow, too.

I just feel so immensely blessed.

Every single day I feel so blessed.

It wasn't always like this- oh hell no it wasn't. I've spent most of my life enveloped in so much misery. But then when Lovie came into my life... it just all clicked for me. Everything in my life started making sense. Like really making sense.

When she was born, every single day was magic to me.

And it still is today.

I've spent some time this past year feeling guilty about my gratitude...like maybe I was just sugarcoating life for the sake of this blog (or Facebook or Twitter or our living room walls). But then I realized that that's just everyone else's possible perception and I'm not here to change that. Think what you want to think. Believe what you want to believe.

And if you're lucky enough, like me, you'll think and believe that life is absolutely amazing.



Amazing.

Happy and Healthy New Year!

***************************

Here's what stands out for me this past year (of course every single one of my posts stand out for me but yeah, these are some of my favorites me thinks):

The invasion of all things pink via
All That Matters
Pink Pink Pink and
Once Upon a Time Story

 

Plenty of Mom Sap oozed all about via

Dream Big

Soaking in Every Bit of It

Will She? and

Immeasurable*

 

Polly Perfect was all up in here via

Be Grateful and

Another Day

 

A Monster lurks within via

Not a Robot so a Bitch?

PMS: Day in the Life

RAGE

Sunshine

Normal

 

Shiz that tickled my funny bone via

Could Be Making Millions**

This is Why I Should've Used the Self Check-out and

Boating

Cray Cray

 

 

*really, really a favorite of mine

**really, really a favorite of mine particularly for the my artistic skillz

 

 

Happy and Healthy 2013!

another day

First thing this morning, I walked through the door and was making my way toward my desk when I was greeted by 40-something Marie, a dress-wearing, frizzy-long-haired, non-make-up-wearing, puffy woman who works near my office space. "Another day," she huffed.

 

"Yep," I said, smiling.

 

My smile was genuine. It is another day. Thankgodalmighty!

 

 

Twenty years ago, I was well on my way to becoming Marie: I was in college, but I was such a miserable, introverted loner.

 

Ten years ago, I was pretty much a younger version of Marie: I was sluggish and not so happy. Especially at work. I had no life outside of my boyfriend who I only saw on weekends.

 

Five years ago, I was a couple months into being married to that boyfriend and was laid up in bed for 8 weeks due to a foot surgery. The days dragged.

 

Two years ago, I couldn't get enough minutes in the day. I had an 8.5 month old baby doll whom I wanted to spend every minute with.

 

Today, I still can't get enough minutes in a day.

 

My life has finally gotten to the point where I truly cherish every moment.

 

And I'm sick and tired of feeling bad about this.

 

I'm sick and tired of feeling almost guilty about feeling that life... my life... is good. Great, even!

 

It's not all great, all the time, but overall LIFE IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!

 

Thing is, I spent 35+ years dreading some days; wishing some days, weeks, months, years away.

 

I WISHED LIFE AWAY.

 

I've spent so many days miserable. I didn't participate in life. I sat by and watched as others lived and enjoyed life, but I didn't. Why? Because I was miserable. Why? Because.

 

I mean, there's a multitude of reasons for my misery: parents divorcing, siblings hating me, people ignoring me, being the new kid nearly a dozen times. I basically spent my pre-adolescent and adolescent years locked inside of my head. Nobody could touch me. Not deeply enough, at least.

 

My god was I a miserable person! And such a fucking introvert.

 

Once I hit adulthood, I had people tell me that upon first meeting me, they thought I was a stuck up bitch. That's how miserable, that's how much of an introvert I was. It's not that I really was a bitch. It's not that I hated anyone or didn't want to make friends. But I did hate life. And clearly, my hatred and misery shone through in all that I did, all that I was.

 

I lived most of my life like this and now that I'm finally over all the misery... I just have no real desire to return back to it.

 

I'm grateful for my past. I wouldn't relive it - not for anything - but I am grateful for it because I really do feel like it's helped me become who I am today... and that's someone who is absolutely, head over heels in love with life.

 

I don't need September 11ths to help remind me of this. I don't need someone near and dear to me to pass away to help remind me of this.

 

Every day is a gift. And I'm SO thankful for it.

 

So yeah, it is another day. HOORAY!
 

Letting Go and Growing

I'm not a fan of seeing awake babies with pacifiers in their mouths... especially when said babies can walk and talk. It really bugs me when I see this. Always has, always will. It's a pet peeve of mine, I guess.



rare photo of binked-up Lovie before bed, 4/2012

That said, on our way out of the hospital with a 3 day old baby doll in my arms, we finally gave up our ideals of a pacifier-free baby and begged the nurses for a pacifier; Lovie wouldn't stop crying unless she was on my breast or had a pacifier. (This all plays into why I gave up breastfeeding- turns out I was starving Lovie with my lack of milk which is why she was always crying {always} when she wasn't nursing.)

By the time she was 6 months old, Lovie pretty much only had a pacifier during naps/bedtime and in the car. I even had her daycare providers follow this and it wasn't really ever an issue.

The closer she got to turning 2, the more I wanted to get rid of the pacifier all together. She was always very attached to it at night and I was afraid it would carry on for years and years and start negatively affecting her teeth. Still, I let her have it at night and naps at home only (at about 20 months old, her daycare teachers were able to stop her from having it during her naps so I followed that with removing it from car trips, too), and I started telling her the Binky Fairy would come and take her binky soon to give to a baby who needed it since she was such a big girl. We talked about this a lot. A lot. And then she turned 2 and I decided to wait a week because nothing says "Happy Birthday" like taking away something that comforts you.

The thing is, when it finally came down to doing it, the thought of taking her comfort away from her really tore me up. So we decided to give it another six months. After all, it's wasn't like she was 12 and still with a binky; another 6 months should be OK, especially since she only was using it for sleeping.

Well, last month, one of her favorite teachers came back to school with her new baby girl and Lovie was smitten. And one morning she woke up and said she wanted to give her binky to the new baby- she put the binky in a box and everything. (She was down to just the one binky and I told her that it was the last one- she had chewed through two others prior and yet this one was still in tact for months and months.)

We took the binky in a box to school, but since the teacher and the baby weren't there at drop-off, I conned Lovie into allowing me to bring it later in the day when I picked her up (because I was terrified of Lovie changing her mind and then causing so much havoc that her teachers give her the binky). But when I picked her up, the teacher and baby had just left.

I didn't know what to do. The plan was we give the binky away and meet Daddy at Target to pick out a new toy. I called up the hubs to tell him I still had the b-i-n-k-y and we decided to still move forward with the plan like we gave the binky away. We met at Target and Lovie, after an hour of looking at and playing with toys, picked out a pink (of course) cash register toy.

We got home and played with it for a bit before getting ready for bed.

Not going to sugar coat it: that first night, especially, was AWFUL. She cried and screamed and flopped around like a fish out of water for an hour before settling down.

The second night took about half an hour, but with much less screaming and crying.

By the third night, Lovie was fine without the binky. She would ask for it- just before bed- but we'd ignore her or just tell her it was "all gone now that you're such a big girl." We used lots and lots of praise when telling her how big a girl she was, but we did so without EVER mentioning the binky. Even that first night of horror, we never once said the word.

It's been about a month now and the binky is definitely a thing of the past. She might say she wants her binky on rare occasion but, again, we just ignore it or tell her it's all gone and life just goes on. Bedtimes aren't as magical as they were when she had her binky (she's back to stalling stalling stalling), but they aren't anything like that first night without her binky.

Honestly, I think this has all been harder on me than anyone else. Lovie's my one and only. I'm so proud of the little girl she's turning into, but it's also so hard to let go of the baby stuff. Like the binky.

I think that's why I haven't really pushed her on potty training. I certainly don't want her in diapers in a year, but I also just am in no hurry to move her on in her childhood. This is a big reason why I'm grateful she's still cool with being in a crib.

I mean, I'm super proud of her- she's truly amazing and incredibly smart and funny and just such a character. And she really is such a big girl in so many ways- she eats with a fork, she drinks without a lid (meals at home), she remembers everything, she talks up a storm. I know she'll always always always be my baby... but still, it's hard sometimes... this letting go and growing thing.