January 3, 2012

Changing perfection

Two years ago I had a 5 DAY old baby.

I had cried so many times- happy tears and HOLYOMGWHATTHEHELLISHAPPENINGHEREANDWHYWON'TSHESTOPCRYING tears- I lost count.

Two years ago today, my baby doll looked like this:

Perfection. Absolute perfection.

But I was starving her and that's why she was so unhappy. I remember commenting to my husband how everyone said and everything I read said that babies sleep so much the first couple weeks. Not my baby. My baby wasn't happy those first several days home. At all. She never slept more than a couple hours at a time that first week. She was up crying way more than she was sleeping.

Then we went to her first pediatrician appointment and the doctor talked to us at length about my nursing. We returned for a second visit two days after the first visit. My baby was losing weight instead of gaining weight.

My baby was starving.

And it was my fault.

Again the doctor talked to us at length. He even asked that I nurse in front of him. I was mortified in my head over this fact but I didn't let that stop me from making sure my baby was fed properly. So I whipped out my gigantic boob and started feeding my girl who latched on wonderfully (always did from the get go).

He suggested we keep nursing and start supplementing because he had a feeling either I wasn't producing enough milk or my girl was just a hungry one.

So we returned two days later for our third appointment in one week.

Finally she gained weight. Finally she was sleeping more. Finally she stopped crying so dang much. Finally she wasn't starving anymore.

I continued to nurse and supplement. I pumped after every feeding and never got more than one ounces (after ONE FULL HOUR of pumping).

Finally, a week before returning to work when Lovie was 8 weeks old, I stopped nursing and pumping and just gave her formula. It was a decision made with a heavy heart as breastfeeding was the only plan I ever had. But a decision I was almost immediately grateful for having made as soon as I did because I was finally able to spend some time with my girl one on one. And not one on one plus a breast pump.

Anyway... two years later and I have a 26.5 pound, 35 inches tall little girl.

My how things change.

But she's still perfection. Absolute perfection.


  1. I also struggled with breastfeeding and felt so much guilt. But, it was such a relief to finally feed my babies to the point they were full and to not fall down from exhaustion from trying to bf two babies 24/7. Ultimately, it was all good. My babies are perfection, too...formula and all :-)

  2. I swear I'm not making this up but our stories sound EXACTLY the same. I remember the visiting nurse coming to the house the day after we got home. She told me that Ada was "starving" - I wept for HOURS. I felt so horrible and so guilty and like the WORST mother in the world. That's when we started to use formula. Let's put it this way: I would make a crappy dairy cow. But I'm too damn stubborn - I didn't give up entirely on breastfeeding until 6 months later. You're much smarter than me!


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