November 30, 2012
I'm so glad NaBloPoMo is over as of this post. I like my little blog. I love writing. But feeling like I have to do so every single day is just not for me... or a bunch of other folk. ;)
I'm elated that our family circles don't really do gift wish lists.
I really want to give more to those in need. Last year I was able to adopt a family to give a gift to at Christmas. This year they're not doing that and it sucks. Yes, I bring in canned goods and unwrapped toys for Toys for Tots, but I want to give more. And I want Lovie to see me give more. Her school set up a large decorated box next to the sign-in area for toy donations. I mentioned to Lovie that we need to get a toy or two to bring in for the box. She started sulking, "But I want a new toy." It was pathetic and I know she wants and deserves a new toy (we don't buy much throughout the year and her birthday is 4 days after Christmas so she's in "need"). She's still so little and doesn't grasp that there are people out there who need--truly need--food, shelter, clothing, toys. Sadly we don't belong to a church or anything that might have a wishing tree or whatever where you can adopt a family and since we're not doing it at work, I need to find out where to be able to do this. I need Lovie to be a part of it- pick the family or something. She's not grasping it when we go shopping and buy for others because she wants it... maybe if she's a part of picking the person/family, it will click more? I don't want her to feel bad or sad, but I need her to know that this season isn't about receiving.
A month from today, we'll be recouping from Lovie's 3rd birthday party and preparing to ring in a new year. WOW does time fly.
November 29, 2012
So that's that and this is it... Lovie's portrait of ... Me:
I stood by her as she created this. She kept looking at me and saying, "Ok now for the ... ears!" or whatever it was she drew next. She didn't look at me for the face, eyes, hair, or nose because I guess those she knows by heart. The rest she looked at me and studied me for 2.2 seconds before adding to her masterpiece.
So here's the breakdown, per Lovie:
Truth of the matter is, she's got it about right: I'm a blob.
November 28, 2012
I was miserable and angry, so one day during my stay at Oma and Ota's, I wrote a letter to my cousin describing my misery. In it I referenced our grandmother as being a bitch. I tucked the letter in a dresser in my cousin's room for her to find the next weekend she'd visit her dad.
A day or so later, my uncle asked me to come down into my cousin's bedroom where he confronted me about the letter.
He was so very upset with me, I thought he might cry. I was so shocked he found the letter, I didn't really know what to say. All I knew was that I didn't mean the words as they were taken.
"Please don't tell Oma I said that," I remember begging.
He assured me he would never say such horrible words to her and I breathed a sigh a relief, but he also assured me that he was horribly upset with what I had done. He made me promise to never even think such awful things about Oma again. And I promised. I cried and I promised because the truth of the matter is that Oma always was and always will be the most important woman in my life.
She means so much to me, I can't even clearly express it. So the fact that I know I wrote those words of my own fruition, and that her beloved son read them and interpreted them in the worst way possible, slices my heart. Even at almost 10. And it still does today.
|photo unknowingly snapped from my cell phone on 11/24/12|
I have a shitty memory but that's one moment I will never forget. And every single time I see my grandmother and hug her frail body, I think of the damn letter and the awful words I wrote and thank God she never found the letter that my uncle destroyed before she could see it. If she ever, even for one moment, thought I disrespected her in such a way, I'd be mortified.
She's my Oma and I love her more than words could ever say.
November 27, 2012
You know, I don’t even remember his name- and I’m ok with that. I had desires that needed to be met and he met them. Wonderfully well. Actually, he exceeded them. How can I not remember his name then? Because it was a one-time thing and that’s what happens: You don’t talk much, you just fuck.
I enjoyed it so much I’m not sure what took me so long to go for it-- the one-night stand with a stranger.
I'd had a one-night stand before, of course, but I knew the guy. His name was Bruce and I lusted over him for quite some time before something happened. We were really good friends at work and he was going through a divorce. I wasn’t initially attracted to him, but time and alcohol in front of a bonfire happened, and that left me with a big smile on my face.
Until he told me two days later that it was a mistake and that he really just wanted to get back together with his soon-to-be-ex-wife. “But of course we could still be friends and hang at work.”
Oh boy was I crushed.
Until I started to dabble with online personal ads. After a couple months of flirting via email and instant messaging, I started meeting up with some guys. Soon, I discovered I was a hot commodity as they all seemed to want more than just sex. I wasn’t in a place for all the extra bullshit that comes along with more. I didn’t give a shit about their families or their past. I just wanted to get laid. And while that happened a couple of times, most wanted more and I began to pick up on it almost immediately.
The last guy I met up with from an online ad was pretty clear with his desires for a girlfriend as soon as we sat down at the bar, so after several strong drinks, I ditched him to go to the bathroom. When I came out, my eyes locked with this older guy standing at the end of the hallway of the bathrooms. As I turned to walk through the masses of people sweating and dancing to get back to my date at the bar, the older guy grabbed my arm.
Shocked, I turned to look at him and his mouth opened to say something, but the vibrating music ruled all. The force from his yank caught me off guard and I ended up nearly jumping on him as he said whatever he said before leaning in and breathing his warmth onto my neck.
I was absolute mush at that point and he knew it. He started kissing me and I kissed him back, tongues dancing with vigor. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me closer to him as he sat on a bar stool where I felt his hardness. I pushed away from him, grabbing his hand to follow me, and pressed our way through the crowds.
My fingers inside the waist of his paints pulling him toward me, I asked “Where’s your car?” as the cold, outside air smacked me in the face.
He smiled and I could see the wrinkles fold around his eyes. Then he led me to his car, and once sitting inside, we immediately started kissing again. I reached for his pants and he gripped my hand and said that we needed to get out of the parking lot we were in.
“Fine by me,” I said.
He drove to a desolate area near a strip mall and parked. We kissed some more before I unzipped his pants and went down on him. After a couple minutes he pulled me off him by my hair and asked if he could take me to a motel.
“Let’s go,” I answered. “I don’t normally do this kind of stuff but—“
He wasn’t listening.
“I don’t have condoms,” I lied.
He pulled into a motel and ran into the office. I sat there debating whether or not to get out of the car. I didn’t know the guy from Adam and he could’ve been some mass murderer or something. But I needed to get laid, so I took my chances. We got into the room and there was just a bed with a table. I don’t even think there was a TV but I suppose there must’ve been. All I know is he started peeling his clothes away, sat on the bed, told me to come toward him and lifted my shirt off. Then he took off my skirt and panties.
A couple hours later, still pitch black out, he said he had to go and asked where my car was. I told him it was at a McDonald's near the highway. We left the room and hopped in his car. He stopped outside the office and ran in to pay the bill while the clerk looked out at me. I knew what she was thinking because I was thinking it too, but I also didn’t give a fuck because for the first time in forever, I felt like a woman- cliché as that is.
He drove me to my car in silence and that was that.
I drove toward home and in the 45 minutes it took to get there, the sun was coming up. It was the perfect Saturday morning to stop off for fresh donuts for my husband and the kids.
Dispatching the overnight sure did have some perks.
November 26, 2012
1= the sleeper part of our third "new" couch from Ashley Furniture in two months- the sleeper part constantly bottoms out and ends up on the floor. it's super hard not to get frustrated about this. the love seat is perfectly fine so I'm guessing it's just that this piece shouldn't be made as a sleeper, but the fact that Ashley won't just say that and rectify the situation with a new non-shitty sleeper, has really gotten on my last nerve.
2= Lovie on Thanksgiving night with 8 pony tails in her hair, napless, and about ready to pass out
3= Lovie putting ornaments on the tree the other night
4= Taye and Lovie watch Sofia the Princess
5= Finished Christmas Tree
6= Yesterday's "quiet time" results
7= Pancakes or Cheerios?
8= Christopher Pop-in-kins (cuter version-IMO-of elf on the shelf) has made his appearance
9= Miss "No I don't wanna nap" before a birthday party the other week.
10= Homage to Hostess
November 25, 2012
November 24, 2012
I can't believe it's Saturday already. And it's going to be damn busy-- gymnastics, lunch, long drive out to my mom and grandmothers place. We'll be lucky to be home by 7 tonight. Ugh I like slower days at home. At work the days drag and what I wouldn't do for some of that drag at home on the weekends. Thinking about having to blog every day doesn't help matters either. If I've learned anything through this month's commitment of blogging daily, it's that I'm really not a blogger. I'm just a doting mama who likes to write.
November 23, 2012
Mommy tiptoed into her child's room and covered her quickly and ignored her when she asked for Daddy to tell her a spooky story. Mommy saw the owl was green signifying it's OK for the child to wake, but she also saw it was on the floor, face down so the child, clearly still very tired, hasn't woken and it's been nearly 2 hours!
Mommy is sipping some still hot hot coffee and nibbling on some frozen pound cake-- the two textures and temperatures colliding in her mouth being enjoyed to the max.
Daddy is snoring in bed, Lovie is snoring in her bed. It's nearly 9AM the day after Thanksgiving.
Boxes marked "XMAS" are stacked in the foyer and dining room areas waiting to be opened and decor scattered about. And an elf waits on the TV to begin a new Christmas tradition.
Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except for the damn cats still whining about something.
Oh and now the child is joining in with the whiny cats.
not Fa La La related but damn cute nonetheless:
Oh and big news!! I'm finally a friggin winner! Hizzah!
November 22, 2012
Lovie's in the living room watching Mickey Mouse before Sofia the Princess comes on. She cried for us to cover her with blankets at 5:30 when she'd normally have to wake for the day (during the normal workweek), and proceeded to sleep in till after 8AM. Cray cray, I tell you!
The in-laws are set to come over around 3 (so they should be here by 5).
We still need to move the shitty couches and dining room table and chairs... and vacuum. Lord help us do we need to vacuum.
I'm excited for the day to end so we can get all the Christmas crap up tomorrow! I love me the holiday season with Lovie. So fun.
Oh and go read and vote here and especially here. Do it. DO IT!
November 21, 2012
Watching her make her rounds amazes me. She's changed so much this year. So so much. She used to take her time getting into her play and now she just dives right in. The love she has for life is so beautifully infectious. I pray this love remains with her forever more.
November 20, 2012
“I sealed my fate when I opened the door.” I lifted the glass to my mouth, allowing the crisp Reisling to wet my lips and linger in my mouth before continuing: “How’s that for an oxymoron? Sealed… Opened? The story of my life!”
November 19, 2012
My pink and princess-loving girly-girl and her BFF celebrated her BFF's 3rd birthday yesterday at her BFF's house. Despite there being a good two dozen people in attendance (with about 10 littles ranging from 1-10), these two little chica's were inseparable.
And it made my heart swell watching them.
How I pray she will always have someone to sit beside, celebrate with, and snuggle next to forever and ever and ever.
November 18, 2012
Can I actually transcribe a blog post by speaking into my phone? How f*cking bad*ss is that? Ha ha it even puts in the little Asterisks to avoid actually cussing. Too funny and too cool.
Of coarse I could just use Swype and that works easily too. Technology can be so damn awesome. And scary. What's to come, you know? Certainly my 89 year old grandmother never thought a day like today would exist...right? So what does Lovie's future hold? I mean besides turkey and the fixings on Thursday of course.
And speaking of technology, I've finally discovered or gotten on the Pandora bandwagon. Now that is badass (Heh take that asterisk!). I "discovered" it cuz I can't recall the last time I bought a CD yet I really really really am loving the sounds of those Mumford and Sons boys.
November 17, 2012
Today is brought to you by the word FIRST because today I'm posting from my phone for the first time and yesterday, my Lovie enjoyed a Hostess Zinger for the first time. She enjoyed it too...sadly. Also for the first time, something I wrote appeared on TheBump.com's blog (link in yesterdays post or on twitter) yesterday!
November 16, 2012
I could get very used to working only three days a week.
I love my new hair cut. Check it out:
|yes, it's naturally curly and gray.|
My dad is finally comprehending that sometimes people might not have a good reaction to things he just "has" to say. Will it stop him from opening his mouth so much in the future? Uh, no. The man is 79 and very much stuck in his ways.
I'm elated to announce that my first blog post for The Bump is being published today!
The answer to Monday's (or Tuesday) post is NOT #3. I absolutely love Nutella. No, the answer is... #7: I've moshed in a mosh pit. Good job on the guess, Amy! :)
November 15, 2012
But that's Lovie for you. She's pretty badass for an almost 3-year-old.
The other day when we were home and I was changing her pull-up (cuz she's not badass enough to have potty trained herself yet), she looked me in the eyes and said, "Mama you cray cray."
"Excuse me?" I said, trying not to erupt in laughter and wondering if my ears heard her correctly.
"You cray cray, mama," she said.
"I'm cray cray?"
She laughed. I laughed. Loudly. So much so I had to hold my stomach for a moment.
"Where did you hear that?" I asked her, knowing very well it came from school.
"Anthony tells Kaitlin she's cray cray." (Two her class/playmates at school.)
Again, I laughed.
"What did Kaitlin say to Anthony?"
"She says to Anthony 'I no cray cray!'"
"So now I'm cray cray?"
We both laughed loudly.
November 14, 2012
November 13, 2012
1. I sucked my thumb till I was 12.
2. I lost my virginity at at 17.
3. I hate Nutella.
4. I moved 10 times in life so far.
5. I love living in the city.
6. I love politics.
7. I've moshed in a mosh pit.
8. I get my hair cut every three months.
9. I've only ever had one cavity.
10. I love having the biggest boobs in the world.
Sunday night I went to bed feeling a horrible pit in my stomach. At 1AM, I was up and in the bathroom until about 3:30AM with stuff coming out of both ends of me- simultaneously.
Thank goodness for Lovie's potty chair!
The last time I puked was at 9:30 in the morning yesterday. It was a rough, rough day. I had a small fever all day and just couldn't really move out of bed.
At 8PM last night, I finally was able to eat something more than a saltine.And here I am at 3:45 in the morning, sitting down in front of the computer for the first time in days.
So glad I got that flu shot earlier last month. ;D
November 11, 2012
"I understand you 'have to say things' that are on your mind but you need to understand that sometimes that won't make people very happy," Taye apparently told my dad whilst I had stepped away from the table with an unruly Lovie who was overtired and wanting to go home.
"Children shouldn't be an inconvenience," my dad allegedly told Taye.
"You're right," Taye responded, very offended. "Maybe if some people like your other children didn't act so inconvenienced by their children, their children wouldn't be so screwed up. My child is not an inconvenience, she's our responsibility."
Apparently that silenced my dad- the tidbit about his other children being inconvenienced by their children.
Thing is, hearing my dad say Lovie is spoiled, doesn't really offend me much because I know he's not referring to her being spoiled in a matter that she gets absolutely whatever she wants, that she can behave in any way she wishes. No, he means she's spoiled by our love and attention. I'm certain that's what he means because guess what? She absolutely is spoiled by our love and attention.
Because as Taye told my dad last night, she's our responsibility and we're so incredibly blessed and honored- every day (and even through the unruly behaviors)- to be her parents.
So yeah. She's spoiled. Rottenly so. And it won't ever change.
November 10, 2012
This year has been full of so much change in Lovie's life. So much growth. All good, necessary stuff, but a lot of it, nevertheless.
Last night I got a taste of the reason behind all that change when I spent half the night on the floor in her room beside her bed.
At about 1AM I heard a bunch of commotion and because I had to pee, I was able to wake more completely. Good thing because moments later, Taye brought in Lovie wearing only a pullup. She had puked everywhere, the poor thing.
She didn't have a temperature and wasn't really complaining about anything, she just puked. A lot. Everywhere in her room (somehow even the room darkening shades got hit!).
So she laid with me in bed for a bit. A long bit, actually. I know I fell asleep telling her spooky stories. And then she started tossing and turning and whining and ... more puke. Blech, blech, blech.
Again, she didn't complain much, just puked and got it over with.
Because I needed to change her into her third set of jammies for the night, we ended up back in her room where I laid on Gigantor Bear- a five foot stuffed bear I picked up last year from Costco. The rest of the "night" I laid there on Gigantor Bear while she slept in her bed beside me. She tossed and turned a lot. And when she wasn't tossing and turning, I was resting my hand on her to make sure I could feel some breathing.
It wasn't a fun evening but could've been oh so much worse. She never had a fever, she just puked several times.
This morning she seems perfectly fine.
What "reason" did I come to terms with last night regarding all the growth and change from this past year? Had she still been in a crib, it would've been one helluva a long ass night.
November 9, 2012
Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away...cray cray!
S is for ... Sssssmartie-pants.
Voting with a tot in tow is awesome.
I still have no idea what to get my husband for his birthday in 10 days.
I do, however, know what I want for Christmas and think this is just soooo bad ass!!
Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away!
November 8, 2012
November 7, 2012
Lovie looked at me, eyes getting bigger and a smile creeping onto her face before she let out a little gasp. "I can be the captain?"
Puzzled I said, "Sure, baby. Come on and finish your juice now, so we can go vote!"
"I go boat Miss Esmeralda and I can be the captain!"
"Oh really?" Lovie's teacher replied, smiling back at an excited Lovie.
"Mama, what color is the boat? Can my friends come too?"
"Oh no, baby," I replied trying to stifle the laughter. "We're not going on a boat, we're going to go VOTE."
"And I can be the captain?"
"Oh honey, we're gonna go into a building and then I'm gonna fill out some paper," I said, trying to figure out a way to explain this whole voting process since we haven't even brought up any kind of politics to date.
I could see the confusion wash over Lovie.
"It's a special building!" I said, trying to make it more exciting.
"Oh a special building?" she said. "But what about the boat?"
I couldn't stifle the laughter any longer yet somehow managed to get Lovie to finish her juice, wrap her crackers in a napkin, and get her coat and hat on and out the door.
Traffic was a bitch; I wasn't the only person trying to get home to vote, apparently. (It wasn't until hours later when I realized, Duh dumbass. You live in Chicago. Where do you think Obama is going to make a speech from?)
After an hour long drive in thick traffic while trying to convey the whole Voting vs Boating thing to my 2-year-old--and ensuring that while some buildings we passed were special, they weren't the special building we needed--I pulled into our neighborhood and Lovie whined, "But I thought we go to a special building!"
"We are, baby, I promise! We have to just drive past our house a little first."
"Mama I can bring bamabear?"
"Sure baby, you can bring Grandmabear with you," I answered, pulling into a spot right in front of the polling place, which happened to also house a preschool, catching Lovie's attention.
We walked into the "special building" and into a room dedicated for voting. I was able to give my driver's license right away, received my voting sheet(s), found an open booth, and voted. All while Lovie stood nearby sucking on a ring lollipop.
It took all of five minutes maybe?
But I did it. And it felt amazing...
Especially with my Lovie by my side (even though she thought we were going boating and most likely won't even remember last night).
November 6, 2012
I want to partake over at YeahWrite's Speakeasy and conjure up some fiction, but the prompt just isn't clicking with me. I want to write about how my life changed four years ago when the first black man was elected president, but meh, we've all heard it all before. I want to write about how it pisses me off that some people aren't voting just because they don't feel like it or because they don't feel their vote will make a difference etc, but again, we've all heard it all before.
So what's left to write about?
I'm tired. But that's nothing new.
My kid is driving me bonkers with her attitude lately when I get her in the car after school. And while that's new to me, it's not something I want to focus on so why write about it?
So what else is there? What else? Write. Think. Write. Write. About whatever. What? Whatever. I said just write write write. Go back in time to your fiction writing, semi-circle days. Tell me a far away sound a near sound. Tell me something you smell. Give me a word, any word.
shuffling paper nearby... sniffles far away
peanut butter... lemon pledge
fingers tap dancing on the keyboard
clicking from computer mouses
someone's thinking about looking at porn
someone's thinking about getting a divorce
someone's actually working
What do I get for my husband's birthday in a couple weeks?
Will I be able to find parking when I GO VOTE later?
Should I take Lovie with me to vote or should I drop her off at home since Taye is there waiting for our couch to be delivered? The couch that broke two days after getting it. BRAND NEW.
God I really need to order some new bras. Desperately need to do this!
My car needs a tune-up.
There's no time for anything. I don't do a lot during my work day but sit in front of this computer. How much shit could I get done if I didn't have to work? Not as much as I think because I wouldn't have any money if I didn't work. And I'd have a 2 year old to drag with me everywhere. I don't really get how SAHM's do it. I miss my girl but she's so much happier in a school routine. No, really.
I guess I'll go get my lunch now.
I need to pay daycare so I gotta leave early to get to the bank. Wonder if they found Lovie's sweater. Sure would be nice. God I hate losing shit there.
Need to make an appointment to get my hair chopped and a facial.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS MUCH?
November 5, 2012
Well, that is still the case, but she does still like to snuggle for naps.
Introducing the Snaply, the snugly nap:
|room was dark and flash was too bright so i had to keep my eyes shut during the photo|
They're the bomb diggity and I highly encourage you to take advantage if you have time.
I know it may seem like you don't have time, but oh man is it worth it if you can make it...
We scored free tickets to the circus yesterday but the show was at 1 o'clock. That's usually nap time if we're lucky. But thanks to the time change and Lovie falling asleep in the car on the way home Saturday night, she woke before any other human in the world yesterday and we were able to get in an earlier than usual nap before the Circus.
At first we tried our regular old read-a-story-lay-your-ass-down-in-bed-and-take-a-nap routine. But someone wasn't having it. So I quietly went into her room--light still out, shades still down--and scooped her up into my arms to tell her a spooky story, which she still requests.
She burrowed into me and I told a story until we both fell asleep...The two of us...Sitting on a super comfy yet cheap ass chair from IKEA.
I woke up about an hour into the nap with a stiff neck and Taye peeked in shortly after. I asked that he take the photo because I know what it feels like to hold her and get an awesome Snaply in, but I wanted to see what it looked like, too.
Just as wonderful as it felt.
November 4, 2012
She's just not doing well. She doesn't talk as much. Her breathing seems to be SO deliberate and heavy even though she's just sitting there.
She's SO thin. Her skin is practically see-through.
She tells me she can't eat, she has no appetite, and that it's upsetting to her. She doesn't understand why she can't eat.
My mom tells me she pukes if she does eat.
She sits in the same spot in the corner of the couch in front of the window. Her legs fold over one another so easily because of the lack of meat on her frail bones that it looks as if the two legs are one.
I want to reach out and just hold her hand but I'm terrified of putting her in more pain.
I can see how tired she is. I can see her wanting it to be her time. And I begin to feel the same way as I think, "Please let the pain and suffering end; she doesn't deserve this kind of life."
When it's time to say goodbye, I make sure Lovie gives her a hug and kiss. Oma gets upset because Lovie doesn't look at her. I've never noticed this before and Oma has never said this before- that Lovie doesn't look at her. I think Lovie might be afraid.
These are the moments in life that suck so bad.
November 3, 2012
I think my little lovebug is over snuggles in bed with mommy and daddy on weekend mornings. :( Now she insists on watching TV on the big TV (in the living room). It kinda sucks. I loved the snuggles. There was a time when I used to dream of snuggling in bed with my family on weekend mornings. And then when she was about a year old, that came true (she wasn't into watching TV prior to then). It was beautiful. And warm. And just awesome.
But now she wants no part of it.
She's getting so big...This year has been full of so much growth, it's kind of crazy to me.
She's still my little Lovie- always will be. She still loves to snuggle. We have so much fun together almost all the time. I love it all, I love her. I love my life.
But the weekends are changing. Life is changing. She's changing.
November 2, 2012
November 1, 2012
Lovie's really been into Halloween this year. I was a bit worried at first that she might get scared (I mean, some of the stuff out there scares ME), but she's eaten up all the spook this whole month.
Every night we have to tell her spooky stories, for example. The spookier the better. She loves sitting in my lap and burrowing into me whenever a Big Bad Wolf ::howl:: or Mean Queen or Witch ::evil laugh:: enters the scene. Fortunately there's also a Ghost... a friendly ghost by the name of Casper who makes an appearance to save the day and everyone, of course, lives happily ever after.
But seriously, every single day for a month now we've been having to come up with "another spooky story." Taye got to the point where he'd start telling her about movies like the Matrix, Star Wars, and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Girlfriend just eats it all up.
Last night during our trick-or-treating, she asked every single candy giver if they've seen Casper. "He's a friendly ghost and he talks!" she'd say. We had to practically drag her away from everyone so other kids could get some candy.
Oh man, I love this kid and the smile she brings to my face every single day.
Inspired by BlogHer and my friends at YeahWrite, I'll be posting every single day this month- my promise to me and you, you lucky duck. Feeling up to the challenge of blogging every single day? Join on up and I'm sure I'll be seeing you around. Happy November, Happy Blogging!