I was miserable and angry, so one day during my stay at Oma and Ota's, I wrote a letter to my cousin describing my misery. In it I referenced our grandmother as being a bitch. I tucked the letter in a dresser in my cousin's room for her to find the next weekend she'd visit her dad.
A day or so later, my uncle asked me to come down into my cousin's bedroom where he confronted me about the letter.
He was so very upset with me, I thought he might cry. I was so shocked he found the letter, I didn't really know what to say. All I knew was that I didn't mean the words as they were taken.
"Please don't tell Oma I said that," I remember begging.
He assured me he would never say such horrible words to her and I breathed a sigh a relief, but he also assured me that he was horribly upset with what I had done. He made me promise to never even think such awful things about Oma again. And I promised. I cried and I promised because the truth of the matter is that Oma always was and always will be the most important woman in my life.
She means so much to me, I can't even clearly express it. So the fact that I know I wrote those words of my own fruition, and that her beloved son read them and interpreted them in the worst way possible, slices my heart. Even at almost 10. And it still does today.
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| photo unknowingly snapped from my cell phone on 11/24/12 |
I have a shitty memory but that's one moment I will never forget. And every single time I see my grandmother and hug her frail body, I think of the damn letter and the awful words I wrote and thank God she never found the letter that my uncle destroyed before she could see it. If she ever, even for one moment, thought I disrespected her in such a way, I'd be mortified.
She's my Oma and I love her more than words could ever say.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Kids do really dumb things sometimes. The way you felt in that one moment was clearly an anomaly. I am glad you have lots of chances to tell her how much you love her, and I hope you can forgive yourself! It was so very long ago.
ReplyDeleteit was a good lesson to learn at an early age, i think. i know i'm a damn good person who can forgive a lot... doesn't mean i forget. not even when i do the crappy stuff. ;)
DeleteWhat a painful but valuable lesson, and great story! But you were 10. Kids are so self-absorbed and clueless at that age. Don't beat yourself up over it, mama.
ReplyDeleteyou're right- it absolutely was a valuable lesson learned and at a young enough age to stick with me forever. words can very well be hurtful.
DeleteI kind of understand where you are coming from. My mom was a single parent who worked very hard and didn't want me out running around all summer. So she sent me to stay with my grandma and grandpa on their farm each summer. I was so bored and lonely. They were great people and I loved them dearly, but I could have seen me writing the same letter if there was a cousin around.
ReplyDeleteI hope you forgive yourself. You were just a kid. She would understand.
it was a super difficult time in my life (parents just separated, etc), but things happen for a reason and this is just one little piece of what's made me into the awesome person i am today. ;D
DeleteOh, honey -- you've been carrying that around for a long time, huh? You were just a kid then and, as we all know, kids are not the best at judging what is appropriate and what isn't. That's why we all learn these awful lessons.
ReplyDeletethanks for the reminder of how old i am. hehe, i kid. seriously, while i regret the letter, the words, my uncle finding it... i'm thankful for the lesson. truly.
DeleteIf there's one thing my teen/adult kids have taught me is that they do the stupidest things. They just don't have the common sense or maturity to realize the impact their actions/words can have. It's great that your Uncle was able to teach you a valuable lesson while saving you from hurting such an important person in your life.
ReplyDeleteEvery kid says awful, stupid, hurtful things. And I think we all have memories like the one you described. Ones that make us cringe; ones we wish we could take back; ones we that wecan't fathom how we got there/thought that/did something.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your Oma is still around so you can create new memories. I hope you forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteGuess it was a lotta luck after all. Hope your Uncle forgave you quickly.
ReplyDeleteLuck, just like my car-accident a few years ago. I didn´t even feel a jolt, the (company-) car was a wreck (from the construction, invisible for the eyes).
I did a security-driving-training afterwards and am very careful now.
When I think back of how rather fast I drove before, having colleagues in the car... oh, my!
Sometimes we just need a proper lesson we never forget and can pass on.
This is radical, but I think it's awesome you called her a bitch. I hope my kids call me a bitch, when they need to. I am happy you weren't repressed. I bet she would have forgiven you. I know I would forgive my kids. Because, sometimes? I am a bitch.
ReplyDeleteChristie's comment is awesome - above. I would certainly forgive someone for calling me a bitch if I were acting as one. But, also I find it amazing how long memories retain their power to make us feel like shit. I hope by telling us about it that you forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh, man! The things we do and say when we are young or just being impulsive! I'm so glad that you were confronted so you could learn something, but also that your Oma didn't find it--that would have been so hard! Enjoyed this post! Grandmother posts FTW! :)
ReplyDeleteWe all have these moments-you are aware that you hurt someone you love so you made amends-tht is good-it is what makes you a good person. beebee
ReplyDeleteI was thinking something along the lines of Christie. I think it's a little sad that the one time you expressed anger you were shut down so harshly. Not that it was OK how your anger came out, but it was age-appropriate and sometimes we do get angry at the ones we love. I'm sorry you still feel such judgment against yourself for it.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree w/the others. You were 10, in a situation in which you had little control, and from what you disclosed had every reason to feel pain. Perhaps your word choice wasn't the best, but at 10 I can't imagine how you truly felt. At that age, that word "bitch" holds so much more power behind the meaning, as it's taboo. I don't doubt you didn't mean that your grandmother was equated to a female dog, however I also don't doubt your 10 yr old vocabulary & emotions could not articulate how your felt especially to your uncle.
ReplyDeleteHugs Christina!
Sounds like your uncle taught you a good lesson that day. And agreed - kids do dumb things! Love your honesty. I felt your sadness and remorse!
ReplyDeleteI think we have all said or done something that pains us. I am sure my children have thought and said terrible words in their mind about me. But, they were children. Forgive yourself, you were ten.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful picture of your Grandma! You are so lucky she is still here, and that you get to make it up to her every time you see her! (Even though she doesn't know what you did! I wonder if your uncle ever told her?)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. Words absolutely do hurt. I hate that whole "sticks and stones" line because it's total bullshit. Words hurt ... and they hurt bad. I'm glad yours were never found, but I think she would understand you were a kid and we often say things we don't really mean. I once called my mom the "stupidest bitch ever" in high school because she ordered the wrong photos. I didn't mean it, really, but that stuff happens. She knew I didn't mean it too and asked what was really going on. Anyway, random story aside, this is a strong, honest post and I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteI understand - I'm sure I would feel the same as you, I have a very powerful guilty conscience. But I know I used to write hateful things about people in my diary when I wanted to vent - things I knew I didn't genuinely mean. I'm going to try to remember that when my kids decide I'm a bitch; it's temporary, right? It sounds like you appreciate your grandmother and show your love to her, maybe even more than you would without this memory.
ReplyDeleteI would have felt horribly guilty too, but I imagine you might be sensitive like me, and judge yourself much more harshly than your grandmother ever could. Lovely photo of her!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your uncle guided you out of that. It's interesting which things stick with us so many years later. You were a child, doing a childish thing, but you learned from it in a safe way, rather from actually hurting someone.
ReplyDelete