can't you smell that smell?

My stomach hurts.

I’m peeing lots and I’ve got gas cramps. The kind that rumble. The kind that rumble low toward your seat. The kind that sneak out in silence but reek of …

 

death.

 

I’m on day two of eating the shit food again.

 

Once I start, once I truly give in to it- not just a nibble here, a french fry there; but an entire meal of burger with bun, french fries dragged through ketchup, milk shake- I can’t stop. I mean, of course I can, but it’s so hard. And it’s especially so hard while sitting at work watching the damn clock, praying the damn numbers flip on over to quitting time. There’s only so many times I can check Facebook or Twitter and not comment because no one can know I check it during the WORK day. There’s only so many times I can refresh my reader, my email, my work email, message boards.

 

So I think of food.

 

Glorious food.

 

Sweets and salts, salts and sweets, and salty sweets.

 

Crispy crunch…soft gooeyness… melt in your mouth. It doesn’t really matter; if it’s bad for you, it’s what I want. And not just a taste, but all of it.

 

 

I’ve been on a low carb diet for several months now, losing 30 pounds. Yay me, I know… But I have so fucking far to go.

 

I feel good about myself when I restrict the carbs, the sugar; my energy and mood is way higher than when I eat a lot of carbs. Way higher. But yesterday was my birthday… and any excuse to indulge is good enough for stupid me.

 

But again, with me, indulging means to fucking bathe in the shit. I can’t just dabble here and there. No, I have to eat it all.

 

Yesterday it was three huge cookies at the start of the day. Because I brought them in to share for my birthday and because it’s my birthday, I should have one of each. Right? Then I had what I always bring every workday morning: 2 hardboiled eggs. Couldn’t let them go to waste. Followed that show up with lunch out with coworkers: Sesame Chicken, rice, egg roll. Came back to work and couldn’t move without feeling like I would burst. Literally. But for dinner, Taye brought me my choice so I went for it: an Epic Burger and fries.

 

Then he and Lovie made homemade molten lava cake, which, I HAD to eat.

Since I didn't die in my sleep, this morning a trail of silent, deadly gas followed me to the bathroom where I vowed that I would go back to low carb eating. NO bread, NO fucking sugar, NO fries.

So I had 2 hardboiled eggs for breakfast at work.

And about half past bored o’clock, I noticed the snack size KitKat taunting me from the corner of my desk. I slowly peeled the wrapping off while holding it under my desk to avoid having the world hear that I’m opening up a KitKat. And I took a bite into both little sticks.

 

Then I shoved the rest in my mouth and the chocolate eased onto my tongue and roof of my mouth just before the roughness of the wafer. Once I felt the wafer on my tongue, I slowly pressed my teeth together, letting each fiber get soaked with my saliva.

 

Oh it was tasty.

 

So tasty.

 

I stalked the internet some more and quickly grabbed my lunch from the fridge: low carb meal of chicken breast, mayo, cheese, tomatoes, oh my.  At 11:10am.

 

At 12:30pm I moved on to devouring a snack size M&Ms, peanut M&Ms, and snickers bar (all “snack size” so don’t you fret too much).

 

And now my stomach hurts. And my mouth is so dry. And the stench coming out of my ass??

 

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?
 

 

http://yeahwrite.me/speakeasy/74-open/

 

 

not really Mama or Lovie related. well maybe a little.

Last year I got a little personal and told the world (all 5 of you that read this) that I was FAT.

I yammered on about how morbidly fat I am, but how I don't let it define me. While this still holds true today, my grasp on not letting it define me is growing weaker and weaker.

I still absolutely refuse to reveal any of these issues to Lovie. (Just yesterday she wanted to go to the park after school but I had to pee badly so we stopped at a Wendy's. And, of course, once she realized we were in a place with burger and fries she wanted a burger and fries. And I got her some. Because she's TWO. Because eating this shit in moderation IS ABSOLUTELY OK! Even if it's fried. Even if it's not organic. She ate 3/4 of the burger and all her fries, downed her water and barely touched her mini Frosty. And when she was done, we went to the park where she ran around for an hour.)

But, I have GOT to make some changes. I cannot allow my size to define me and I feel myself slipping toward that.

I deserve more. SHE deserves more.

I guess this is more Mama and/or Lovie related than I thought.

Anyway, I'm hoping this confession helps me get back to where I was a year ago. Actually, I'm hoping this confession helps me get back to where I was six years ago before my grandfather passed away when I was at the smallest size I'd been in all my adult life.



Pouring my Heart Out and Linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say.

Yes!

My addiction to Pinterest is getting more intense. I can't help it. And I can't WAIT to find the time to do all the things that are rumbling through my head as a result. So many neat things have been found in just a couple short days.

Fortunately, tomorrow I won't be in the office (company picnic- going only to show off my Lovie) so hopefully I can be back to regularly blogging next week (instead of jamming my face right in front of the screen looking at all the pins on Pinterest for hours on end like I've done the past couple days). Next week is also the week my husband is leaving me (for work- so he says- ha!) and our love bug for an entire week. Alone. Morning, noon, night. For 5.5 days, 5.5 nights.

Happy Weekending to you all.

(don't forget to INSPIRE someone. Mainly your little, eh)


oh and if you need an invite to Pinterest, leave a comment or shoot me an email

Hey, you.

Yeah... YOU.

Guess where I've been hanging out for a good portion of the day?

Pinterest.

I finally succumbed to the hoopla and joined. And, like many before me, am now addicted.

Join me. Come to the dark side.

You know you wanna.

If anything, it makes the work day go by faster!