can't you smell that smell?

My stomach hurts.

I’m peeing lots and I’ve got gas cramps. The kind that rumble. The kind that rumble low toward your seat. The kind that sneak out in silence but reek of …

 

death.

 

I’m on day two of eating the shit food again.

 

Once I start, once I truly give in to it- not just a nibble here, a french fry there; but an entire meal of burger with bun, french fries dragged through ketchup, milk shake- I can’t stop. I mean, of course I can, but it’s so hard. And it’s especially so hard while sitting at work watching the damn clock, praying the damn numbers flip on over to quitting time. There’s only so many times I can check Facebook or Twitter and not comment because no one can know I check it during the WORK day. There’s only so many times I can refresh my reader, my email, my work email, message boards.

 

So I think of food.

 

Glorious food.

 

Sweets and salts, salts and sweets, and salty sweets.

 

Crispy crunch…soft gooeyness… melt in your mouth. It doesn’t really matter; if it’s bad for you, it’s what I want. And not just a taste, but all of it.

 

 

I’ve been on a low carb diet for several months now, losing 30 pounds. Yay me, I know… But I have so fucking far to go.

 

I feel good about myself when I restrict the carbs, the sugar; my energy and mood is way higher than when I eat a lot of carbs. Way higher. But yesterday was my birthday… and any excuse to indulge is good enough for stupid me.

 

But again, with me, indulging means to fucking bathe in the shit. I can’t just dabble here and there. No, I have to eat it all.

 

Yesterday it was three huge cookies at the start of the day. Because I brought them in to share for my birthday and because it’s my birthday, I should have one of each. Right? Then I had what I always bring every workday morning: 2 hardboiled eggs. Couldn’t let them go to waste. Followed that show up with lunch out with coworkers: Sesame Chicken, rice, egg roll. Came back to work and couldn’t move without feeling like I would burst. Literally. But for dinner, Taye brought me my choice so I went for it: an Epic Burger and fries.

 

Then he and Lovie made homemade molten lava cake, which, I HAD to eat.

Since I didn't die in my sleep, this morning a trail of silent, deadly gas followed me to the bathroom where I vowed that I would go back to low carb eating. NO bread, NO fucking sugar, NO fries.

So I had 2 hardboiled eggs for breakfast at work.

And about half past bored o’clock, I noticed the snack size KitKat taunting me from the corner of my desk. I slowly peeled the wrapping off while holding it under my desk to avoid having the world hear that I’m opening up a KitKat. And I took a bite into both little sticks.

 

Then I shoved the rest in my mouth and the chocolate eased onto my tongue and roof of my mouth just before the roughness of the wafer. Once I felt the wafer on my tongue, I slowly pressed my teeth together, letting each fiber get soaked with my saliva.

 

Oh it was tasty.

 

So tasty.

 

I stalked the internet some more and quickly grabbed my lunch from the fridge: low carb meal of chicken breast, mayo, cheese, tomatoes, oh my.  At 11:10am.

 

At 12:30pm I moved on to devouring a snack size M&Ms, peanut M&Ms, and snickers bar (all “snack size” so don’t you fret too much).

 

And now my stomach hurts. And my mouth is so dry. And the stench coming out of my ass??

 

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?
 

 

http://yeahwrite.me/speakeasy/74-open/