this is why i should've used the self checkout lane at the grocery store

“Is your hair naturally…”

“Yes,” I answered before the cashier finished her sentence, expecting her to be asking if it was naturally curly since I get asked that a lot.

“Gray?”

Did she just ask me if my hair was naturally GRAY? Are you fucking kidding me? Is there someone behind me?

I quickly toss my curls in a way that allows me to look behind me for a moment to make sure nobody’s there. Nope, nobody but me.

“It’s so pretty,” she continued.

Really? My GRAY hair is pretty? PRETTY? GRAY?

“Thanks,” I smiled and then admitted, “I thought you were asking if it was naturally curly, but, yes the gray is natural, too.”

I mean, do people color their hair gray ON PURPOSE (coolio celebs excluded, of course)?

“You’re very lucky. I’ve been coloring mine for 30 years now to cover the gray.”

I smiled. I am lucky but certainly not because of my GRAY hair.

“Yeah I stopped coloring mine when I got pregnant.”

“Oh are you pregnant now?” She looks down at my belly.

THIS CONVERSATION KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!! WILL YOU PLEASE BE MY NEW BEE EF EF?!?

“Uh no. That was 3 years ago.”

“Oh well I love it. It almost looks frosted.”

FROSTED?!? WHO FROSTS THEIR HAIR ANYMORE?!? HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?!??

I stuff my debit card back into my wallet.

“I want to stop coloring mine but I’ve asked the colorist if it will be full gray if I stop and she says yes. So I keep on coloring.”

I smile.

“But I cheat and take those touch up boxes and have my 18 year old just add it to any gray she sees every coupla weeks.”

“Oh that’s a great idea! I’ll have to keep that in mind for when my two and a half year old is able to do that. Then maybe I’ll start coloring my hair.” Take that mother to 18 year old! My kid’s only 2.5! See, I’m really not that old after all!

“No don’t start coloring it. It’s not solid gray and it really does look so nice.”

“Well, thanks. I’ve never had anyone tell me that they actually LIKE my gray hair so I’ll take it.”

“I actually don’t LIKE gray hair,” she says giving me my receipt. “But yours is so pretty because it’s not solid. If mine could look like that I wouldn’t color it. Don’t start!”

 
Two weeks away from turning 40, guess what’s on my mind?

WHO’S GONNA WASH THAT GRAY RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR?!?

Just kidding. I've grown to love my natural hair (until someone asks me if I'm Lovie's Grandmother).

before 40

been quite ill the past several days and before that Lovie was sick. it's been a fun week and a half.

the past couple of days i've been doing a lot of laying around and it got me to thinking when i wasn't completely passed out.

i'm gonna be 40 this year- in less than 9 months. FORTY.

i never imagined seeing 21 let alone 40 so this is a BFD to me. and now that i have Lovie, things are different...  i have to care more about myself so that she has a Mama for as long as possible. and right now, i'm doing the opposite. everything has been all about her the past two years. all about her. and i'm not saying i'm regretful of that because i am absolutely not. it's just taken quite the toll on my health.

besides being obese (which i was prior to pregnancy so this is not because of her), i've been getting sick a lot. it's not right for someone to be as sick as me. sometimes it's just little colds, but more than not it ends up turning into something more debilitating. and it sucks. it takes so much out of me- and out of my time with and for Lovie.

so there's one thing i'm absolutely sure that's going to happen before i turn 40: i will haul my ass into a doctor and do whatever i have to find out what the hell is wrong with me. i will get a physical and keep hounding them until they can tell me WTF is up with my immune system (or the lack of it).

i'm pretty terrified to do this because what if there's something seriously wrong? i'm scared there is; i mean, why else am i sick like every other couple of weeks?!? but i have to do this. i absolutely have to. for me, for Lovie, for my husband.

some other goals to accomplish by my Fortieth:

* finish Lovie's 1 year book (up to 9 months now) and 2 year book
* go down two pant sizes
* get new wedding/anniversary bands for our 5 year wedding anniversary in June (we'll have been together 12 years)
* start being more active again- walking when i can, taking the stairs
* do something ALONE at least once a month- even if it's running out to Target
* get out to a dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse with the hubs alone (it's our favorite and we haven't been since days before Lovie's birth)
* take a weekend trip to NYC to visit my BFF/cousin - alone - to celebrate our 40th birthdays (she's 6 months older than me)
* start knitting again- and reading more
* start writing more again
* and, again, the number one thing to do before turning 40 is get myself healthier