August 3, 2011

I'm fat

I've been thinking about this for some time now because, well, I've been this way for a very long time and it's hard not to think about it: I'm fat.

And I don't mean 20-pounds-overweight-oh-dear-oh-my-how-will-I-ever-fit-into-my-size-6-jeans fat. I mean I'm obese fat. Like, morbidly obese. Like, I need to lose a hundred pounds (100 pounds!) to even be considered of average weight for my 5'3.5" frame.


I'm fat because of years and years and years of emotional eating. Basically, I can trust food like nothing else in life. It's always been there for me and always will be there for me. Unconditionally. And hot damn does it taste good. Always. I never eat something and then feel bad for eating it. Sure, I know that I shouldn't be eating some of the things I've eaten, or the quantity of it, but it always tastes so good (or I wouldn't eat it). So I keep eating. And when something bad happens, like when my husband pisses me off or something much worse that I don't want to deal with, I tend to grab a pint of ice cream or order a cheeseburger and cheese fries and eat. And eat. I push those feelings down and eventually out.

Not good, I know.

But I own it.

I own the fact that I'm fat.

I own the fact that it's all a result of poor eating and being a lazy fuck*.

And I very rarely discuss dieting or being fat or whatnot with others, as a result. It is what it is.

But.

It does NOT define me.

I REFUSE to let my weight define who I am.

I REFUSE to allow it to hinder me from doing things (like becoming a mom... like playing with my kid).

Being fat is a part of who I am (and even if I can manage to get down to a svelter me, being fat will always be a part of me- or who I was), yes, but it's not all of who I am.

More than anything else, I am a Mommy. I am her Mommy. And that, my friends, is what matters.


You see, while I may not be a size 10 (or even close to it), she doesn't care. And neither do I. Not when it comes to seeing her with that face, that smile, that full of life: 

That's me and my Life. Sitting right there on my hip. And it doesn't get any better than this!


*I do not eat shit food, nor am I gluttonous in front of Lovie. I refuse to allow her to think that the way I feed my emotions is "normal" or "good." But, we do live life to the fullest which, for us, means an occasional meal from the likes McDonald's. Lovie is an amazing little girl in so many ways, including the fact that she eats everything (from chicken nuggets to fruits and vegetables). If she grows up to be fat, so be it. I'm not raising her to be fat. I'm not raising her to be a pretty princess. I'm raising her to (hopefully) be who she is and, most importantly, HAPPY with who she is.



28 comments:

  1. This is a great post, and I am so proud of you. Lovie is all that matters, and I love you no matter what. ;)

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  4. What a positive attitude! :)

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  5. thanks guys. i really appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to comment. it felt so good to get this out of me.

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  6. I love how you know what's important--you're a Mommy. Lovie's mommy. You define yourself. Not your weight.

    Thanks for sharing your insight!

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  7. I absolutely LOVE this post...I love that you are being 100% honest and truthful about it all! I hate when people complain about being fat (myself included! :)) but fail to mention how crappy they eat, etc. Good for you for being REAL!!! :)

    You know what REALLY matters (Lovie) and that's all that matters!!!! :)

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  8. What a great post. Many people can't be honest with themselves or accept themselvs. YOu should be proud. YOu also should know, no matter what the number, you are beautiful!

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  9. Refreshing to read a post that is not self-loathing. It makes me so sad how many overweight women HATE themselves. I get mad at myself, for sure, but I try not to let my weight define me. Great post!

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  10. Dude. All I can think of now is the Weird Al song "Fat". LOL

    I'm glad you're loving who you are right now, because Lovie loves you for who you are, and so do I!

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  11. following from PYHO ...

    I love this post! I think it is SO important to see that struggles with weight don't define a person, it is just a part of who we are. I have struggled since my teens with weight and self-perception ... now that I have girls of my own, I don't want them to see me as a mom constantly on a diet, but I do want them to remember that it was an issue that I dealt with but didn't allow it to consume me.

    good luck and BEAUTIFUL daughter!!

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  12. That confidence? THAT self-acceptance? That level of taking responsibility? The best gift to your Lovie.

    XO,
    Peeper.

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  13. I love your confidence and self-acceptance! It's something that I strive for and struggle with every day.

    That is what you will pass on to Lovie. That is what matters. She will be confident in herself, because she learned it from her mom.

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  14. I love that picute and the smile on both of your faces! Stopping by from PYHO, and you've got one honest in your face post here. I like that!

    You're right it doesn't define you! I hope that you heal from emotional eating. We all have something we need to heal. In the meantime, your daughter is blessed to have a mommy who can teach her to love herself no matter what! :)

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  15. Your confidence is so admirable...and that's why your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mother.

    What she will see as she grows up is a mother who loves and accepts herself, no matter what her dress size is. She'll see that beauty does not just come from the outside but the inside, as well.

    I wish every mother could teach this lesson to their daughter. Kudos to you!!

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  16. Great post and great attitude!

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  17. Great post! Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job raising Lovie.

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  18. Funny how kids don't seem to care what size we are- just that we love them! Stopping by from TRDC.

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  19. It's so much more then our size. And I think like the a few before me wrote, it's about teaching confidence. Giving her that is the best gift you can give!

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  20. What can I say here that hasn't already been said by every other commentor? I hope I can come to the same conclusions someday.

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  21. This is great! More people need to embrace the word fat. And you're right being a mommy is more important!

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  22. I'd never read this before What a perfect post, and one that shows we are more alike than I realized. I'm fat too. I'd prefer not to be, but all in all, I'm not obsessed with being thin. I don't talk about it. I never feel guilt when I eat something. I feel sympathy for people who feel bad about themselves for being 10 pounds heavier than they'd like. It bothers their skinny frames usually more than it bothers mine. I have such anxiety about how my weight could affect my pregnancy, but really, I am happy. I am happy to be pregnant. I love my husband, my dogs, my family, my feet, and my outlook. :-) Lovie is VERY fortunate to have you. You are so emotionally there for her, so grounded, so rooted in what is REALLY important. She is as lucky to have you as you are to have her. :-)

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  23. Brave, brave post and I love your honesty. And that you own it. I also think that you've got it right, raising your daughter to be her own person.

    It's so sad that society defines us by our sizes and looks, and so many women feel pressured to conform. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself.

    Thank you for linking up with Blog Bash!

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  24. Awesome! And Lovie is adorable!

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  25. "That's me and my Life." LOVE.

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  26. I love your honesty. You are you regardless of number on a scale or a size of pants.

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