miss-ticle listicle

I miss…

1.       The very early days and years of my life. Mainly because I don’t really remember them much, but also because I know I was still innocent and naïve, still thinking the world revolved around me. Life was so simple. My parents were still together. My family was still together. We did things together. We laughed and cried. Together. Life really was pretty freaking grand.

2.       The innocent teasing that went on when you liked a boy… like Frankie. Oh how I liked Frankie back in the 2^nd grade. I’ll never forget the heartache I felt when he and his family moved away.

3.       Playing soccer. I loved the game and loved being one of the only girls in the entire league to play (late 1970s when girl leagues didn’t exist- at least in my ‘hood). I thought I was badass because of this. And then, at 10ish years old, puberty hit my like a semi-truck and I started developing, and, pretty much overnight, had to start wearing a real bra. I couldn’t handle the teasing after that so I stopped playing soccer. I guess I wasn’t as badass as I thought.

4.       Listening to Corey Hart music. I discovered the Canadian rocker in the early 1980s and listened to him well into the 90s even when he stopped making music (or it stopped being released). Loved him so.

5.       My first true love, Joey. He was my cousin’s best friend and I would see them nearly every weekend since he would hang out with my cousin a lot. Man did I like Joey. I tried denying my feelings for many years (we were incredibly young when I first noticed my feelings for him… around 9 I would guess), but as the years went on, my feelings for him intensified. I so badly wanted to tell him how I felt, that I thought of him often but … we really were young and all of that was so new. Feelings and thoughts weren’t so naïve and innocent feeling anymore like they were with Frankie when I was in 2^nd grade. It was a bit scary. Then, he and his family would be moving across the country and we were both Juniors in High School. I wrote him a really long letter telling him everything, telling him that I could completely relate to the anxiety that comes along with moving as I had done it a half dozen times, telling him that I wouldn’t ever forget about him regardless how far apart we lived. My unbadass self never gave him the letter. It’s a big regret I carry with me even today, over 20 years later! Last I heard about him, he (or rather his baby mama) just had his first child shortly after I had mine.

6.       My 1969 VW Bug. It was orange-red and it was badass. Truly. I drove that car out of the 1980’s and into the 1990s, finally selling it when I was in college because I had no money to keep it going. It had no heat, no a/c, no power anything, no radio. The flooring rusted through and one night after a Bryan Adams concert, one of my friends who sat in the back seat nearly lost her feet as the floor collapsed suddenly onto the highway ground! The friend was fine though and I got the floor replaced in the nick of time (I was told) before my seat collapsed! Still, I felt like such a rock star in that car, oddly enough. Nobody else had that car and people couldn’t help taking a double look when I drove by them.

7.       My college days. I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to go to college because I didn’t take any SAT’s or anything. Plus I had no money and no interest in taking out any loans. Basically, I was very unmotivated to figure it all out but somehow discovered a “commuter” college downtown. It was an artsy school with an open enrollment and I applied for Financial Aid and got a near-free ride! And it was awesome. I loved going to college a couple days a week and taking classes and quickly fell in love with the Fiction Writing program. I spent four years busting my ass during the school year and summers to ensure I graduate in 4 years. And I did it! And with honors. I do have regrets though: I still wasn’t very social and I didn’t take advantage of any internships or anything, resulting in a very difficult time making money doing what I loved to do.

8.       My first apartment. It was small and old. It didn’t have a/c. It was bright and sunny. The living room was incredibly small and could barely fit a love seat and tiny table. It was all mine. All of it was mine. And, much like with my VW Bug, I felt like a rock star in it for some reason. Loved that little place.

9.       My grandfather. The only reason this isn’t my #1 is because I’m doing this in chronological order. There isn’t enough I could say about how incredible a person Ota was. He meant everything to me- much like my Oma. The two of them and their story is just so inspiring, so romantic, so difficult, so awesome… so them.

10.   Snuggling with my newborn. She was just SO itty bitty and so helpless and fit oh so perfectly on my chest… and I do miss those days so much sometimes.

i was SO tired but SOO complete

But for all that I miss- and some of it painfully so- I get to look at and talk with and laugh with and snuggle with and kiss on and tickle HER today. 

So it’s all good. The missing. It’s all worth it because without the missing, there wouldn’t be the complete feeling I have when I'm with her. My Lovie. My life. My everything.