TILTW: 7.6-7.12

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Getting used to a new baby is much harder the first time around.

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I make for great cushion.

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I'm really digging Wordpress. When I was pregnant the first time in 2008, I started a blog on Wordpress. The pregnancy and my time on Wordpress didn't last long. I didn't find Wordpress compatible for me. It wasn't easy to find new blogs (maybe it just wasn't as easy as it is now?). And I knew several people on Blogger. I like my finallyMom blog here on Blogger. But I'm finding my voice on Wordpress. And I love it. I love that I can write more freely about stuff other than parenting and my dollface, Lovie. I love that I made the decision to separate the two. Still lots of writing here on finallyMom that may not pertain to parenting/Lovie, but now I can really focus on that at the other place. And Wordpress is just awesome. I love how you get comment notification on the dashboard and that you can reply right there and that if the commenter is on WP, they get notification of the reply. I love that they feature Freshly Pressed pieces from blogs. I love that I can so very easily search for new blogs. It's awesome. I won't move finallyMom there, but I really do love WP.

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I also am loving Feedly as my new reader (in addition to the reader at WP). Bloglovin is okay but I haven't visited in a while. I don't like having to click on each blog to get the whole story. And on feedly, I don't have to do that; it's very much like the old google reader. The only issue I have with feedly is that it didn't move my blogs over. I had to input each new link which was kind of a pain in the ass. But now that I have most of what I read in my feedly, it's AWESOME.

i hate beer

So I decided to start a new blog. I'm NOT shutting this one down because the world would be so unhappy without Lovie updates and pictures, this I know. Rather, I'll post non-Lovie-related stuff on this other blog called, Other Than Lovie.

It's on Wordpress which I haven't used in like 10 years so ... this could all be very interesting.

Feel free to check it out. Or not.

It will mostly contain writings that don't really have to do with Lovie. I know there's lots of stuff here on Finally Mom that doesn't really pertain to her, but now maybe I can feel more open to my non-Lovie-related writing.

Only time will tell.

Anyway, I submitted a post to the fine folks at Yeah Write via the new blog. It's a little ditty that kind of might explain my disdain for beer.

radiohead's creep was/is about me.

I was a loser in high school. A loner. A lost loner perhaps? I went to four different high schools in three years (mom was busy evading collection calls) and pretty much gave up on making friends a couple weeks into the last school I attended my junior year.

I remember buying a new pair of shoes that I would wear to that last school. My "school shoes." I couldn't tell you what they looked like today- even if they were sneakers or what- but I just know I bought new shoes specifically for that school year. And I remember wearing them to school those first couple of weeks and realizing that I was never so alone in all my life.

OK so I was only 16, but do you remember how you knew it all at 16? Like you'd lived all these years?

Everyone at that school looked the same. They all wore the same fucking ugly brown loafer shoes.

They all looked so pristine. Not a hair out of place. Makeup. Jewelry. Expensive looking handbags and backpacks. There I was with my new shoes. I'm pretty sure I bought them from Payless. Have you ever bought shoes from Payless? Have you worn them? How about when you were in high school?

Everyone at that last school knew each other and it was quite clear that I was an outsider. If they couldn't tell by my appearance--flannels, concert shirts, ripped jeans (it was the late 80s and I was all rebel-like), men's shoes (because I couldn't afford the Dr. Martens I wanted so badly),

image from etsy.com, heart bokeh from picmonkey.com

men's sport coat from a thrift store (I like to think I was Hipster before Hipsters were a thing because man oh man I'm not a fan of today's Hipsters)--they could tell by my lack of matching shoes or giggly friends by my side.

People stared at me and if ever eye contact was made, a sneer was tossed my way.

image via darkhorizons.com

I quickly learned to walk with my eyes avoiding all others.

I tried at first, I really did. I went with an open mind, hoping and praying that this school would be different. That because I was starting in the beginning of the year opposed to middle of the year, it would be easier. I never even considered the fact that the school was in a much smaller location than I'd ever lived- 50 miles away from the last one. I never even considered that everyone would know everyone else and not even be open to saying a fucking Hello to someone new.

Stupid, stupid me.

All that said and done, that fourth school helped shape me into who I am today: fiercely independent and generally not really giving a shit about what others say or think of me. So for that I can say thank you to all the motherfucking assholes and pristine bitches from my junior and senior years of high school.

Thing is, lately whenever I'm on Twitter, I start to feel like I did back in high school... like an outcast, a loser, a loner. Those icky feelings are creeping back in again and I don't like it. Not one bit.

Fortunately now, I don't have to go to school anymore; I can drop out without it being frowned upon.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm dropping out of Twitter High School.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

posting to post just because i'm feeling needy & want some comment love

check out my new Facebook page header:

while you're at it, why not like my page? it doesn't cost anything. you can always unlike if you feel the need.

it's official. i'm a Dance Mom.

 

isn't she darling? she loves ballet. it's a bit crazy to me how unlike me she is, but i absolutely love it so much. she's Lovie and that elates me so.

Lovie's been sleeping in her sleeping bag since the weekend.

on the floor. her choice. it's kinda odd but hey, she's sleeping. she's also been fighting us less since i started laying down with her every night after our bedtime routine. i tell her stories with the lights out and usually fall asleep. she says, "tell another story, mom" and wakes me. i tell another story or two before drifting off or sneaking out for the night. a part of me wants her to just go to sleep without me laying down with her but guess what? this her needing me bit won't last forever so i'm milking it for all it's worth right now. and in the mornings the past couple of days, rather than wake her and get into a fight about what to wear, etc, i wake her and scoop her into my arms and let her snuggle into me for a minute or two. she burrows right into me and it's absolute bliss. i can't even really put it into words. just so peaceful and such a welcome change from fighting about hurrying up. sure it would be great if i could just snap my fingers and have things happen but that's not reality and, again, it won't last forever so may as well enjoy the bliss while i can.

this last bit comes with no pictures... just a reason for some silence around here? i've been getting headaches every single fucking day now for weeks. since the new year really. i'm not dealing well with stuff going on. my grandmother mainly. watching her die is incredibly difficult. i just want her to experience some peace already, yet i don't want to never be able to see her again. see? INSTANT HEADACHE after typing that out. and there's other stuff, too. that's life, though i suppose. and i'm just grateful to be here another day for Lovie.

TILTW: 1.19-1.25.13

* Three is a really awesome age so far, but also very, very trying at times (bed times, morning times, getting dressed times, when I blink wrong times...). Oy vey.

* I still hate potty training and have admitted to being jealous of those of you with potty trained kids. You can read more about that here.

* Hospice is now coming to my grandmother's house.

* My kid is THE cutest Tiny Dancer.

* Yo Gabba Gabba is so much fun live. I mean, so much fun. Wow. I know a lot of parents aren't keen on "kid music" and stuff, but YGG should be an exception. Really.

* I desperately need to break up with M&M's.

* Lovie's hair keeps some length after a couple of days of it being in twists. Fun! :)

well... Poop! or, maybe not.

I haven't talked much about this here.

Not sure why, really.

Maybe I didn't want to admit to being a failure...

...at potty training.

But it is what it is and right now Lovie, who just turned 3 end of December, is still not potty trained.

Oh we've tried. And tried.

We've got books and a potty chair. We've got charts, stickers, and M&M's. We've got a drawer full of undies.

But, as of today, she's still not trained and nowhere near being trained.

I'd really really really love for you to read more about this over at the Bump Blog. So go forth and laugh at my sorry ass over there.

Lookie up there!

New blog header.

Thoughts?

I'm pretty damn pleased with it if I do say myself. Guess who created it? Moi. Impressive, right? Right?!

New Year's Eve, 2012

The year is twenty-twelve...for another 14 hours or so, at least.

I never in my life dreamed of a day when I would be writing or thinking about the year 2012. That number is just so beyond cray cray to me. At least it was back when I was a little shit of a kid.

Yet here we are embarking on another year: 2013.

Mind blowing to me.

Seriously though, how lucky are we to be here today?!

Despite some horrible things happening to us, around us... we're still very lucky to be here today.

Some days can be so hard and trying and tiring but at the end of the day, it's so worth it. Because you had that day and, if you continue to be lucky, you'll have tomorrow, too.

I just feel so immensely blessed.

Every single day I feel so blessed.

It wasn't always like this- oh hell no it wasn't. I've spent most of my life enveloped in so much misery. But then when Lovie came into my life... it just all clicked for me. Everything in my life started making sense. Like really making sense.

When she was born, every single day was magic to me.

And it still is today.

I've spent some time this past year feeling guilty about my gratitude...like maybe I was just sugarcoating life for the sake of this blog (or Facebook or Twitter or our living room walls). But then I realized that that's just everyone else's possible perception and I'm not here to change that. Think what you want to think. Believe what you want to believe.

And if you're lucky enough, like me, you'll think and believe that life is absolutely amazing.



Amazing.

Happy and Healthy New Year!

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Here's what stands out for me this past year (of course every single one of my posts stand out for me but yeah, these are some of my favorites me thinks):

The invasion of all things pink via
All That Matters
Pink Pink Pink and
Once Upon a Time Story

 

Plenty of Mom Sap oozed all about via

Dream Big

Soaking in Every Bit of It

Will She? and

Immeasurable*

 

Polly Perfect was all up in here via

Be Grateful and

Another Day

 

A Monster lurks within via

Not a Robot so a Bitch?

PMS: Day in the Life

RAGE

Sunshine

Normal

 

Shiz that tickled my funny bone via

Could Be Making Millions**

This is Why I Should've Used the Self Check-out and

Boating

Cray Cray

 

 

*really, really a favorite of mine

**really, really a favorite of mine particularly for the my artistic skillz

 

 

Happy and Healthy 2013!

It

I haven't really been in a writing mood lately. Not sure if it's the worldly crap happening, not sure if it's that the world might come to an end on Friday, not sure if it's the holidays, not sure if it's that my baby is turning 3 in ten days and I'm in denial. Whatever the reason, I suspect (new) content here will be light through the duration of the month.

I suspect that will be the case everywhere. Hopefully people are spending lots of time with their loved ones. It sucks that tragic events put things in perspective for many people, but whatever. It is what it is.

For me, I finally discovered what It is all about over three years ago and I blogged about it on BlogHer back in February:

Hearing her say "Mama" makes me smile so dang much.

Granted she’s only 2 and I’m her entire world and since she’s my world, it works out wonderfully, but nevertheless, I can’t grow tired of hearing it. Even when she says it over and over (and over) again and doesn’t say anything else after I ask her to; even then my day is complete. Because I’m a Mom...her mom. And I’ve never been so happy in all my 39 years of life.

This is what it’s all about…For me, at least.

I didn’t always want to be a mom, though. As a product of divorce, I always told myself I would never have kids to avoid doing to them what my folks did to me. Then I grew up and started watching my siblings have kids, and started to really see the beauty and wonderment that is a child.

The innocence, the joy, the ... life.

When I was in my mid-20s, I lived with my brother and his little boy. My brother just divorced and really needed some help taking care of his boy. Since I vowed at a young age to never let a child hurt the way I hurt when my parents split and nobody communicated with me, I took on the responsibility with open arms. Pretty instantly, I fell madly in love with my then 4 year old nephew. He became everything to me; I loved that little boy so hard.

But I wasn’t his mom.

He had a mom and she wasn’t me. So after four years of living with him and treating him like my own, I made the gut-wrenching decision to leave my nephew and move out on my own in the hopes that I could find my way in life.

Shortly after that, I met my (now) husband and after 6 months of marriage (after 7 years together), we agreed it was time to try procreating. I was 35 and the clock was ticking so loud, it’s all I heard. Seven months from the time we started, I got a positive pregnancy test and was over the moon happy. Four weeks later I was in the hospital having my baby surgically removed. S/he stopped growing. And after my doctor assured me it was over, I opted to have the d&c rather than try to wait for things to end on their own.

For closure.

To move on faster.

But none of that happened.

I didn’t get closure; I got insomnia and an awful haircut because I needed a change. I got fatter from trying to eat away all the sadness that enveloped me. And when the sadness started to diminish, bitterness ruled. Every single place I turned stood a big pregnant belly or a snotty nosed cherubic face. The tears that streamed from my eyes and heart and soul during those darkest days of my life flowed so freely. It was hard to hide, hard to continue on; but I did just that because while those were the darkest days of my life, they were also some of the most enlightening for me: It’s when I realized that it wasn’t a baby I wanted, it was that I wanted to parent; I wanted to be a Mom.

I had to be a Mom.

A year and a half after that surgery, I was in the operating room having another surgery: a C-section (I was induced at 39.5 weeks because of gestational diabetes and while labor progressed and I pushed for two hours, I was told that my baby’s heart rate dropped with every push and a C-section was imminent after all.)

The absolute light of my life was born end of December 2009 and the moment I heard her cry and the laughter in the room erupt, my dreams finally came true.

I was a mom.

I AM a mom.

Sure I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a great aunt, a cousin, a friend; sure I work a full time job. But more than anything else in this world, I’m a Mom. A “Mama” to be precise. And it’s the most amazing thing in the world.

damn love/hate feelings messing with me

Although I’m pretty submerged in social media like blogging, message boards, Facebook, Twitter, it still scares the shit out of me most days. On one hand I love it all, but on the other hand I hate it. Especially Twitter and Facebook. I just hate feeling like the freaking outcast I was back in high school.

 

I admit that being immediately up-to-date about pretty much anything anywhere is pretty awesome. But I just don't dig the cliques. Still, I haven't given it up. Instead, I just do what I did back in high school—I withdraw. And then I get pissed at myself because I lived so much of my life on the sidelines and I just can’t do it anymore. So I don’t withdraw completely like I did back then; instead, I take a step back when things become too annoying for me and then jump back in when I'm ready. (I guess that's me just being a Big Girl.)

I concede that feeling like an outcast is of my own doing. I’m just not an outgoing person and I tend to back off when things get too intense. I’m just not passionate enough about my own ideas and beliefs, I guess. Unless it’s about my Lovie, of course.

The funny thing is that without social media, I’d never have met my husband who answered a personal ad I placed on Yahoo Personals in 2000. (Thank God for the Internet may or may not have been the theme to our wedding. No, I'm kidding; we're not that dorky.)

Seriously, there are a ton of great things about social media. I can't dispute that. I mean, through years and years of blogging and trolling posting on message boards, I’ve made some fantastic real life friends. Hell, without social media, I wouldn’t really have a social life at all.

So what’s my hang-up then?

It scares me.

 

There’s so much info out there available in a millisecond. I’m terrified for my child’s future. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be alive today had Facebook been available back in the late 80s when I went to high school. I’m pretty damn certain of it, actually. After all, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" is completely non-existent today thanks to social media.

But as much as this frustrates me at times, I can’t log off, I can't delete my accounts.

 

I’ve backed down on participating with a lot of it, yes, but I can’t give it up completely. Because the truth of the matter is that without it, I’d be so lonely: I wouldn’t have met my husband who gave me my incredible Lovie; I wouldn’t have made some of the best friends a girl could have; I wouldn’t be able to find out that my nephew who’s struggled most of his life because of shitty parenting just got a new position as Assistant Manager; I wouldn’t be able to know that my best friend in the whole world is going through some horrifically scary times during her early pregnancy.

 

I do think the good outweighs the bad when it comes to social media, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be leery of it all and worry for my child’s future.

Fortunately, that guy I met and married through an online personal ad? He's a computer guru who will be able to keep tabs on Lovie’s online interactions so hopefully that will ease my worry a bit when she’s 30 and able to finally date and use the interwebz.

Whoa

Lovie is Child of the Month at school so I was just going through pictures to bring in for them to put up on the bulletin board... I just quickly went through my mobile uploads to Facebook this past year. Girlfriend has changed so much.

I suppose when set up like this it's not so noticeable but going through them one by one? Whoa. Her little chubby cheeks when sucking the frosting off her finger in her 2nd birthday photo compared to now? She's a little girl. Truly.

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Speaking of being wowed... One of my posts for The Bump Blog got picked up from Yahoo Shine! 

Whoa! :)

 

Day 24 NaBloPoMo: time

I can't believe it's Saturday already. And it's going to be damn busy-- gymnastics, lunch, long drive out to my mom and grandmothers place. We'll be lucky to be home by 7 tonight. Ugh I like slower days at home. At work the days drag and what I wouldn't do for some of that drag at home on the weekends. Thinking about having to blog every day doesn't help matters either. If I've learned anything through this month's commitment of blogging daily, it's that I'm really not a blogger. I'm just a doting mama who likes to write.

Thanksgiving Day

Here we are. It's 10:13 in the morning. I've got cinnamon rolls in my belly, the water is running in the kitchen while Taye does what he has to do to absolutely demolish the kitchen and create a fabulous Thanksgiving meal. I'm so thankful for him and his love of cooking (but I abhor the mess I always have to clean up).

Lovie's in the living room watching Mickey Mouse before Sofia the Princess comes on. She cried for us to cover her with blankets at 5:30 when she'd normally have to wake for the day (during the normal workweek), and proceeded to sleep in till after 8AM. Cray cray, I tell you!

The in-laws are set to come over around 3 (so they should be here by 5).

We still need to move the shitty couches and dining room table and chairs... and vacuum. Lord help us do we need to vacuum.

I'm excited for the day to end so we can get all the Christmas crap up tomorrow! I love me the holiday season with Lovie. So fun.

Gobble, gobble: Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh and go read and vote here and especially here. Do it. DO IT!

TILTW: 11.10-11.16

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I could get very used to working only three days a week.
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I love my new hair cut. Check it out:

yes, it's naturally curly and gray.

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My dad is finally comprehending that sometimes people might not have a good reaction to things he just "has" to say. Will it stop him from opening his mouth so much in the future? Uh, no. The man is 79 and very much stuck in his ways.
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I'm elated to announce that my first blog post for The Bump is being published today!
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The answer to Monday's (or Tuesday) post is NOT #3. I absolutely love Nutella. No, the answer is... #7: I've moshed in a mosh pit. Good job on the guess, Amy! :)
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day 6 NaBloPoMo: total blog post

I sincerely have nothing to write about today.

I want to partake over at YeahWrite's Speakeasy and conjure up some fiction, but the prompt just isn't clicking with me. I want to write about how my life changed four years ago when the first black man was elected president, but meh, we've all heard it all before. I want to write about how it pisses me off that some people aren't voting just because they don't feel like it or because they don't feel their vote will make a difference etc, but again, we've all heard it all before.

So what's left to write about?

I'm tired.  But that's nothing new.

My kid is driving me bonkers with her attitude lately when I get her in the car after school. And while that's new to me, it's not something I want to focus on so why write about it?

So what else is there? What else? Write. Think. Write. Write. About whatever. What? Whatever. I said just write write write. Go back in time to your fiction writing, semi-circle days. Tell me a far away sound a near sound. Tell me something you smell. Give me a word, any word.

shuffling paper nearby... sniffles far away
peanut butter... lemon pledge
mustache
prayer
caterpillar
sleep
fingers tap dancing on the keyboard
clicking from computer mouses
someone's thinking about looking at porn
someone's thinking about getting a divorce
someone's actually working
coughing
stapling- cachunka

What do I get for my husband's birthday in a couple weeks?
Will I be able to find parking when I GO VOTE later?
Should I take Lovie with me to vote or should I drop her off at home since Taye is there waiting for our couch to be delivered? The couch that broke two days after getting it. BRAND NEW.

God I really need to order some new bras. Desperately need to do this!
My car needs a tune-up.

There's no time for anything. I don't do a lot during my work day but sit in front of this computer. How much shit could I get done if I didn't have to work? Not as much as I think because I wouldn't have any money if I didn't work. And I'd have a 2 year old to drag with me everywhere. I don't really get how SAHM's do it. I miss my girl but she's so much happier in a school routine. No, really.

I guess I'll go get my lunch now.

I need to pay daycare so I gotta leave early to get to the bank. Wonder if they found Lovie's sweater. Sure would be nice. God I hate losing shit there.

Need to make an appointment to get my hair chopped and a facial.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS MUCH?

the first of November, twenty-twelve

We had fun last night, did you?

 

Lovie's really been into Halloween this year. I was a bit worried at first that she might get scared (I mean, some of the stuff out there scares ME), but she's eaten up all the spook this whole month.

Every night we have to tell her spooky stories, for example. The spookier the better. She loves sitting in my lap and burrowing into me whenever a Big Bad Wolf ::howl:: or Mean Queen or Witch ::evil laugh:: enters the scene. Fortunately there's also a Ghost... a friendly ghost by the name of Casper who makes an appearance to save the day and everyone, of course, lives happily ever after.

But seriously, every single day for a month now we've been having to come up with "another spooky story." Taye got to the point where he'd start telling her about movies like the Matrix, Star Wars, and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Girlfriend just eats it all up.

Last night during our trick-or-treating, she asked every single candy giver if they've seen Casper. "He's a friendly ghost and he talks!" she'd say. We had to practically drag her away from everyone so other kids could get some candy.


Oh man, I love this kid and the smile she brings to my face every single day.


***

Inspired by BlogHer and my friends at YeahWrite, I'll be posting every single day this month- my promise to me and you, you lucky duck. Feeling up to the challenge of blogging every single day? Join on up and I'm sure I'll be seeing you around. Happy November, Happy Blogging!

so uh

...thoughts on the new header?

i loved the one previous (see below)

that had only been up for a couple weeks or so but this new one way up on top? i LOVE.

what about you?

What's the point?

Last week I wasn't feeling too hot and that carried over to my motivation for this place; I just didn't really have much to say.

I still don't, really. : /

I mean, of course I do but... I don't know.

I'm in a bit of a slump lately, I guess. I'm in that mood where you wonder why you even bother blogging. I don't do it for money though I'd be more than happy to make some as a result. But I don't, so why keep going?

Why do I keep blogging?

* Free therapy.

* Connecting with others.

* To practice writing, my first true love.

* To gush about Lovie, the love of my life.

* To get a peek into others' lives. (Voyeuristic much?)

* To possibly learn about new things, see things from another perspective.

* To make the day go by faster whilst at work. (Let's be real.)

* To become famous. (You never know, right?)

* So that Lovie can become famous. (I mean have you SEEN this child?)

* Because I can.

Today's topic at Monday Listicles is really Guilty Pleasures, but since I've done that already and have been in a bit of a pickle of a mood regarding my blogging, I'm going this route instead.

Mom Story

I did it! I posted my "mom story," my Journey to Motherhood story onto BlogHer!

I loved writing it and I love Ricki Lake. I don't really care if I win or not; I'm just proud of myself for taking a leap and hitting that publish button on BlogHer's site.

Thanks so much to Just Jennifer for her post which directed me there.

Anyway, if you can, I'd love ... LOVE ... for you to check out my story and leave me any feedback you can on the site. You can check it out by clicking THIS.

Bounce this.

Because it's clear that you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for this post, without further ado, I present to you, dear reader, the top 3 viewed posts from 2011 (according to the Stats tab):

1. With the most page views (no friggin clue why), here's #1.
2. Coming in second place (not really too shocking given the title), here's #2.
3. And bringing up the rear (also not too surprising since I linked it in the comments of a larger viewed blog), here's #3.

None have a thing to do with Lovie. Meh, your loss not mine.

And for more fun, let's take a look at the top three Search Keywords that made you click over:

1.  bouncing boobs
2. i don't have pms
3. monchichi