RAGE

I'm getting kind of scared now.

I still feel like I did  a week ago. Maybe even worse.

I feel like I have so very little control left of my sanity. I feel so full of ... rage. And for no fucking reason. None whatsoever. But still, I feel like this rage is eating me up. I feel like it's on the verge of exploding out of me and onto others.

I feel angry. Angry and sad. And so motherfucking tired.

I sincerely feel like I'm losing my grip on the reality I used to know. And it's so confusing.

I attribute this all to PMS but I really can't recall the last time I've had PMS this fucking bad.

I'm near tears at all times. But more than that, I'm near exploding. VIOLENTLY exploding.

Every and any little motherfucking thing pisses me off.

I've snapped so much this weekend despite trying to not open my mouth.

I don't like feeling like this and no matter what I do, nothing seems to help. Not even a little bit.

These feelings are completely consuming me and I'm scared that I may finally just lose my shit.

Jesus Christ somethings gotta give.

Do I go to a gynecologist? A psychologist? What the fuck do I do with all this motherfucking anger inside of me??

(And no, I still don't have my motherfucking period and hell no is there a chance that I could be pregnant.)

PMS: a day in the life

I hate when I get like this. Especially that I feel like I have absolutely no motherfucking control over it. My body is so uncomfortable that it just sends my irritability rating through the roof. And any and everyone around me has to suffer then.

It's ridiculous and it's childish, but again, I feel like I can't control it.

I could, actually. I could take some drugs or drink till I pass out or something. Then I'll just sleep it all away but there's too much fucking crap that needs to get done: laundry, dishes, meals, laundry, laundry, "I hungry!", "I wan' milk!", "Mama?"...

I just want to fucking wither away into a corner with something tightly wrapped around my midsection to cease the cramping. I want to sleep eat cry. I want to be left alone. I don't want to hear any fucking thing- no goddamn dogs barking, cats whining, husband snoring, child laughing.

I feel like I'm on edge to doing something really awful.

When I get like this, I envision bad things happening. I think I can understand how women, in particular, do horrendous, god forsaken things to their loved ones. It MUST happen when they're PMSing. If they're not PMSing, then I can't understand.

I'm so fucking tired, so fucking irritable, so fucking angry agitated annoyed hungry sad.

I just want to fucking bleed already.

I just want to fucking bleed so heavily that I bleed through a super plus tampon and onto a pad that I have to wear at all times when I get my period lately.


It's been 30 years since I got my first fucking period and I still cannot control my... mood before I get it.

It's a cruel fucking thing to happen and it's a wonder how there aren't any more women serving murder sentences as a result.

It's these thoughts on these days that make me feel like I'm surely losing my grip on sanity.

Yeah, her smile warms me up and soothes me a bit, but... not enough. Not anymore. Not today.

Because my back hurts so fucking bad and the cramping is making me nauseous despite my hankering for chocolate peanut butter ice cream. In a waffle cone. OMG no. A shake. A thick milk shake. And a bag of potato chips.

What is it going to be like when she starts getting her period, too?

My poor husband.

Fuck him. He's on the couch snoring like I'm not in this mood, like I'm not on the verge of losing my fucking mind. The dryer is about to buzz for the fourth time today and guess who gets to go fold all the shit and put it away? Yeah, the one who's on the verge of stuffing someone into it.

Maybe I should just get out of here for a few minutes.

Maybe I should just go and get that milkshake and potato chips and drugs and alcohol.

I think I need some fucking pads and tampons anyway.

Motherfucking PMS.

(NOTE: this was written yesterday {Sunday} but I didn't hit Publish for some reason. having seen that it wasn't Published, i wasn't going to actually Publish it, but i'm still in a pisser of a mood and have no desire to Publish much else so at least now you know why. not that you care. ALSO: nobody was harmed in the making of this post. FINALLY: i never did get my chocolate peanut butter shake fix, but i did devour a greasy cheeseburger and fries and half a piece of the world's greatest key lime pie before sitting on the toilet for about an hour and shitting like i haven't shat since who knows when... glad you stopped by?? COME AGAIN! AND NEXT TIME BRING MY SHAKE AND CHIPS!)

I think my husband is trying to kill me.

Ughs, I'm soo bloody tired. It's not even funny.

Sunday I was in bed all day because I was feverish and puked my guts out midday. Monday I stayed home from work and stayed in bed all day (till I picked up Lovie from school) because I was exhausted. Tuesday and Wednesday I had to work so no resting during the day and I feel like I'm just walking around in a haze today as a result. Because while I very well am going to bed early enough, I can't fucking get more than a couple hours of solid sleep a night.

Because my husband is trying to kill me.

Really, I'm starting to really wonder if this is what is happening.

He comes to bed after me, always has. Way after me. Like I go to bed by 9 (generally) and he doesn't come to bed for hours later. Like hours.

And when he does he hits the pillow and starts snoring pretty immediately.

Which I can generally deal with.

Unless he gets on his stomach and starts attacking his face.

RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB

Deep groan in that gets held for so long I wonder at times if he stopped breathing.

Whooshing of blowing air out.

But it's never consistent or I may be able to somehow ignore it and drift back off to sleep... except that the RUB RUB RUB part always wakes me up because he shakes the whole fucking bed while he's doing it, while he attacks his face (nose).

I nudge him; I kick him; I ask, "Did you take a Claritin today?" until he answers me. Sometimes I will just bark, "Get off your stomach!"

It's fucking maddening. MADDENING.

So maybe he's not trying to kill me after all. Maybe he's just trying to drive me fucking insane.

Connect this!

Today is one of those days when I want to take my head and slam it into my computer.

oops, forgot to add my glasses.

It just is.

And the stalkers on Facebook don't help the matter.

You know... the ones who claim they're never on, yet somehow how know ALL about you, and the pictures you post (but they never see), and Aunt Joan in Timbuktu. Yeah those mofo'ers who happen to be about 90 of the 100 of my "friends" it seems.

I used to think of Facebook as a great way to connect with people I didn't get to see or hear from often... but now? Notsomuch. Now I see it as another way to keep up with the Joneses or, better yet, try to be better than them.

I guess it's just another sign of the times... my times. I'm old. In less than a month, I'll be 39. It's time to grab my cane and hang on.


At least then I can swat at the fuckers who bug the shit outta me! Right?

Yeah, I'll make a connection alright!

I have no words.

oh if you really want to...

here are some words about this. 

and here, too.

a revisit: Things that get my Goat

10 months ago I posted something about pet peeves... about things that were really grating on me. Well it's beyond time for a revisit on Things that get my Goat!


** Of course there are exceptions to every rule- and I do completely understand this- so please keep that in mind when reading (and before submitting hate comments- heh). **

NON-baby related (shocking, I know...hopefully you were sitting as you read that. if not, I apologize if you fainted or anything)

1)  Not responding to communication.
If I take the time out to of my day and my life to communicate with you and write up an email (because it's my main source of communication as I despise the phone), maybe even attach a photo or two, and all because YOU asked me to do so, you best take the two seconds it takes to at least respond with a "Thanks." Holy HELL is it rude if you never say anything. (And I'm not talking about responding within minutes- but a week sure oughta cover it!) It's common fucking courtesy, FFS. And if you're not responding because you think I'm going to investigate more into why you're not answering, or inquire if is something wrong and submerge myself into your pity party, think again. It just shuts me down even more and next time, my communication will be much shorter- and I won't bother asking how you're doing. I just don't have the fucking time or patience (or care, to be blunt) to deal with it. We all have problems, sista.

2)  Driving in the rain without turning your headlights on.
It's fucking rude and I can't fucking see you. So take the two mofo seconds it takes to turn/flip/pull the switch and turn your lights on!!

2a)  Not using your signal when driving.
Last I checked it didn't cost extra to get working signals when buying a car so turn on your signal when you cut me off, muthafucka!!

2b) Using your cellphone when driving. (this should really be number 1)
If our parents and their parents could drive without talking on the fucking phone or, better yet, texting, then you can do. My life and my child's life is way more fucking important than that phone call or text. Put the fucking cell phones away when you get behind the wheel!


Baby related

1) Pacifiers.
If your child is capable of walking and running and playing in the playground by himself, get the fucking pacifier out of his mouth. FFS!! (We stopped at the park yesterday for a whopping 15 minutes and not one but TWO kids showed up with pacifiers in their mouth! Both were capable of walking and climbing and playing all on their own, yet there they were sucking away. WHY?!?!?!? Lovie sees this and comes to me doing her new whine- which I can only say sounds like a dead car motor trying to turn over- because now she wants a pacifier since she sees these two other kids, both bigger than her, playing and sucking on their pacifiers. I had to finally tell her, "No you can't have a binky; it's not bedtime.")  And pictures of your wide awake, happy toddler+ kid with a pacifier in his mouth... NOT.CUTE.

2)  Feeding kids.
Once your child is old enough to eat table food, please stop asking what types of food to feed.  She's not a sick dog, she's a growing human being. She's a little human being; she eats what we eat (oftentimes better)! Is it that hard to grasp?! Sure I understand you might be concerned about softness and size and that's cool- just be sure it's on the softer side (if they don't have a lot of teeth) and about the size of your nail.  That's really all you need to worry about- I swear! And please, for the love of the Wiggles, stop giving your kid mac n cheese every day "because she likes it and it's all she'll eat and at least she's eating something." Kids will eat when they're hungry. And they'll typically eat what's given to them (in the early days at least). If you don't ever give them mac n cheese, they won't know it exists. Make sense? If you want them to eat fruits and veggies and stay clear of the dreaded McDonald's (which I love *and* give to Lovie), then do not offer McDonald's. It's really not hard. I pinky swear promise.


** Of course there are exceptions to every rule- and I do completely understand this- so please keep that in mind when reading (and before submitting hate comments- heh). **

FML

I'm sick. Again. Unbloodyreal. Oh but that's real, too.

So I had a great weekend with my Lovie. We played and laughed all weekend long. Then about 6pm Sunday, this wave of ... sickness hit me. I just felt sick. I ate dinner and went to bed around 9.

Monday I woke and my throat was sore and head felt stuffy. I made it through the day but went to bed at 730.

Tuesday I woke up and found myself gagging on several different occasions. Not sure how else to explain it other than it felt like my throat and nose were fused together and anytime I tried to breathe or really focus on it, I would gag. I called the doctor's office and got an appointment for late morning. The diagnosis? Acute Laryngitis. OK?!???

Today, the gagging has ceased but I can barely breathe out of either nostril and the coughing. Oh the fucking coughing. It won't stop and my body aches as a result.

I'm on an antibiotic and mucinex per the doctor.

Half hour ago I went to the bathroom because I have cramps. Guess what else I have. My fucking period.

I think I'd feel a ton better if a semi would just run me over. Today warrants a FML status IMO.

Daycare Woes *edited- ha!*

So there's this teacher at Lovie's daycare, we'll refer to her as "Red". I'm not sure how long she's been there but I didn't start seeing her until just the past two months or so. To be blunt, I don't care for her. At all. And I'm doing my best not to let it get to me but there's just something about her that really rubs me the wrong way (and I'm generally a very good judge of character).

See, Red never ever ever greets me in the morning when Lovie and I arrive. She sits her happy pasty white ass in the chair at the only table in the room which I need to utilize to date Lovie's bottles and just ignores us. I understand not wanting to be all chatty first thing in the morning (630ish) since she's not Lovie's teacher but, um, if you're gonna sit there and be in my way, an acknowledgement (you know- nod your head, make eye contact, SOMETHING) would be nice. She never says boo to Lovie either. She just sits there and stuffs her face with a bagel and talks to the other teachers who are Lovie's teachers or a couple other kids who are generally there (older and able to communicate).

I could let all this go. I could and I have. Ignore me... fine. Ignore my kid... and my eye is on you but I can still let it go because I'm confident in Lovie's teachers.

But then there was a week several weeks ago when she was acting director. I wasn't seeing her in the morning, but I was seeing and hearing her in the afternoon when I'd pick up Lovie. And every single day, she'd be all, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Like I was Bryan Adams or something! And each day I tried my best to ignore her but I just don't roll like that- not when someone says Hi. I try to treat others as I would like to be treated so because I would like others to acknowledge my existence, when they do, I can't ignore them.

But I felt sick every time I'd say Hi back. And in my head, I was all, "Yeah you can say Hi now to me you little bitch because you've got super powers now that you're director wannabe."

UGH. It's so silly, I realize this.

Anyway, for the past couple weeks, I just drop any eye contact should my eyes meet hers. Plus Lovie hasn't been at daycare too much the past month because of all the damn diarrhea so I just haven't seen her much or felt the attitude from Red.

Well now we're back to daycare this week. Today is day 2. And today was day 2 of Red ignoring us. And I've about had it. Seriously. She fucking sits there and talks shit about the older kids running around like I'm not even there ("Oh look at Lily's hair.. it looks... nice." Nice meaning "Nice- for once."). She ignores me and Lovie. I'm just really beyond being in 8th grade, frankly. I hated it then, I hate it tenfold now.

I'm SO close to snapping on her little ass. I mean, I'm all snarky in my head but I just zip my mouth shut. Why? Because a) I don't want Lovie to be a mean bitch like I can be, b) I don't want Lovie's teachers treating her differently, c) I'm just not one to stir the pot... unless it's about to boil. Then, for some reason, I'm fucking good at stirring the pot (I've gotten people fired, for example. Gross, I know!).

So. Do I...

1. continue to let this shit boil inside of me
2. snap on Red the next time I see fit
3. say something to the director
4. who the fuck cares

What would you do?

EDIT (or would this be an update or amended?? I think this is actually AMENDED!):

*so I wrote this post quickly then ran to lunch and on my way back (from checking out the pizza joint for Lovie's party), I realized that I probably sound like an idiot. I'm ranting over some little teenie bopper (OK maybe she's all of 20- sorry!) ignoring me and Lovie when she's not even Lovie's teacher. Who's the tool now? Ugh. Can I blame this rant on my period? Because I did just get it last night and I'm a bit... raged because of it.

tired

Hot. That’s how I would describe the weekend. And that’s not right…not for October in the Midwest! It should be nice and cool and crisp but instead we had to turn the damn a/c on to ease up on the damn sweat that oozed from our pores. Boo! Not a fan of summer heat as it is and then when it invades my Fall, I just wanna throw out a big “Ef You” to it.

I wonder if the heat and my hatred of it played upon my mood this weekend. I wasn’t very happy and that makes me sad. I love seeing and being with my Lovie, yet when she got up both Saturday and Sunday hours before the sun, I was angry. And that saddens me… that I was angry. I wasn’t angry at her, just that she refused to sleep in – or even play by herself in the crib for a bit. I mean I got my fat ass up and gave her some toys and turned on her closet light and told her she could stay awake… and 6 minutes later she stood hanging onto the crib rails like a prisoner and screamed. And cried. And chewed on the railing. And screamed and cried and screamed. All while the husband snored. Are you kidding me, man?!? Angrily I got up (both days) and stormed back into her room, threw the light on, scooped her up and out of the crib and placed her on the floor and placed my fat ass in the chair we have in there. And both days she looked at me, made her way to a toy, looked at me and smiled as she played.

She was so happy to be free of the crib, to be with her momma, and moments prior I was angry.

I suck!!

I’m just so tired…all the time. (Lovie has only STTN maybe a dozen times in her life- and no matter how frustrating it might be to get up, I cannot fathom letting her “cry it out”.) And the fact that I can’t seem to ever catch up on sleep just pisses me off even more. And I hate being pissed off over something like that because the fact of the matter is that I’ve never been happier in my life. Because of her. My Lovie.

She just smiles at me and it’s like … magic. I may be tired, I may be upset that I’m up before the sun while my husband snores in bed, but all she does is look at me and smiles and everything in the world is great again.

this pic is exactly (oddly enough) 2 months old
bc she's not a fan of the camera these days

It's been a while since I've really bitched and moaned.

Hasn't it?

Whatever.

I'm really frustrated right now. It's 530PM and my doll is sleeping.

from yesterday/picture day, hence the "little black dress" (hehe)

I picked her up at 330 and was greeted with lots of smiles, hugs, and kisses. ::HEAVEN::  I see on her sheet that she had only one nap, but at least it was longer than her normal 30 minutes (at school) and clocked in at an hour and a half! Still, it was only one nap. And she woke at 5 this morning to a wet bed.

We get in the car and she falls asleep. To be expected. It's a long ass boring drive. I wish I could nap!

We get home and she's starving. I had one of her bottles in my crotch the whole ride home trying to warm it up (see, it sometimes comes in handy to be fat) so I feed her. She guzzles all 7 ounces in five minutes flat (I timed it).

Near the end of the bottle, she could barely keep her eyes open. God is she so incredibly beautiful!!

I hold her close to me and rub her back as I stand from the kitchen chair and walk slowly to her bedroom.

I sing her one of her songs softly and sway. She gets a bit restless in my arms and wants down.

I lay her in the crib, she rolls over and goes to sleep.

Just like that.

Dreamy, right? How lovely it must be to have a baby take naps or go to bed without any real fuss? 

Guess what?! I'd love her to fuss! I'm bitching right now because she does NOT fuss for naps or bedtime.

I'm bitching because I'm fucking ass tired of getting up at 5AM and quickly getting myself ready before waking Lovie at 530 so that we both can be out the door at 6... so that she can be at school when it opens at 630...so that I can be at work by 7... so that I can get her picked up for the day by 330... so that we could be home by 5...so that we could have 2 hours before bedtime together... all just so that she can nap until that bedtime. I'm tired of it. I MISS MY BABY.

At least if she fussed for naps or bedtime, there would some sort of interaction!

My lord, this is hard.

THIS is what is hard about being a parent, people. 

Not the shitty diapers, the 2 hours of sleep, the whining, the crying, the snotty nose.  That's all gravy compared to this.  Compared to missing your baby so much it makes your heart hurt and your eyes swell with tears.

And that's where I am.

It's been nearly seven months now that she's been going to daycare full time. I'm thinking this is the way things are gonna be from herein out. I'm thinking there's no real chance she's going to adapt to napping better there so that we have more awake time before bed. I'm thinking this is exactly what it's like to be a working fucking mom.

God does it suck so hardcore to be an adult sometimes.

I miss my baby so much. And she's just in the other room.

I could keep her awake you know. I could get her all riled up and excited and have her start chasing the cats and playing with toys. I'm sure I could get her excited enough to stay fully awake these two hours before bedtime... but that's not going to help her. She needs the sleep. Clearly.

UGH. I just miss her. I miss her so stinkin much!!

Things that Get my Goat

I'm not sure what the dealio is but lately I've been very passionate about some baby-related things. Well duh, lady, you got a 7.5 month year old!  Uh huh, but I'm not one of those parents who've done all this reading and research during my pregnancy; I'm not someone that has an idea of the way things should be done and stick with it. I like to think that I'm pretty easy go lucky with all that stuff.


Cloth diapers: Ugh, I just don't have the time, energy, or care enough, frankly, to do it. Sorry. I'll take Pampers with that awful Dry Max, please.

Homemade baby food: Well sure, that'd be great, but we rarely eat anything homemade as it is so when the hell am I gonna pull out the food processor to grind up some shit that I can just get from a jar? Hell, I don't think we even have a food processor or a blender or the like!

Pacifier:  Well yes, please. She's a baby after all... but she only has it at nap/bedtime and in the car. That is it. You won't see my Lovie crawling after the cats... with a pacifier in her mouth. You won't see her jumping in the jumperoo... with a pacifier in her mouth. You won't see her playing with her toys... with a pacifier in her mouth. I'm not sure where my passion for this came from, but I cringe anytime I see a baby who can play on his own with a pacifier in his mouth.  It really bothers me for some reason.  And when I see a child who can walk and talk with a pacifier in his mouth, I want to scream.  I could care less what it does to his mouth or teeth, I'm just solely bothered by seeing an older child with one during playtime because to me, it SCREAMS that the parent or caretaker is pacifying the child and not wanting to hear from them. And that saddens me immensely.

Television?  NO. This is the baby-related thing I'm probably the most passionate about. Not so much that I go preaching to others about it (although is that what I'm doing with this blog post?), but I do have my opinions about it and while I really do like to think I'm open minded and try to see both sides of the coin, when it comes to babies watching TV, nothing I've heard or read can change my mind that babies who cannot talk and walk should NOT be watching TV.  I have no facts, no references to back up my thoughts, but I really feel strong about this one.

Oh but Babyboy loves watching his Baby Einstein videos! BULL.SHIT. Babyboy never knew something like that existed until you sat his happy ass in front of the tv to watch it. Why on earth would a parent do that to a baby?!? I cannot fathom this and I'm being dead serious. And I don't want to hear that it's educational either. Give me a fucking break. So then my parents and generations before them (remember I'm old) who grew up without TV are stupid- since they didn't have these "educational programming" available to them??  Sorry, but the only reason a baby is watching TV is because his parent or caretaker is lazy and doesn't want to interact with a baby.  That's the ONLY reasoning I can come up with.  That, or it quiets a fussy baby.

Now before everyone gets their panties all bunched up, I'm not going to pretend that my child doesn't watch TV- because the fact of the matter is that I, myself, LOVE Television!! Therefore the TV is usually on when we're home... but I promise you that Lovie has NO interest in it and watches nothing more than 30 seconds here and there.  Maybe my Lovie really is the most brilliant child to exist, but I really think she's like most babies who just want to explore and play and touch and put things in their mouth.  So on the extremely rare occasions she might get sucked into the sights on the TV, it gets shut off and she happily moves onto her next fixation.

Oh but Babygirl loves watching Dora in the morning while I get ready for work.  Uh huh, RIGHT.  Again, how the hell does she know she loves watching it unless you put her there in the first place?! Sure she's gonna get sucked in to it and be quiet for 20 minutes so you can get ready, but why can't she just play in her crib or pack N play instead?  Again, maybe my Lovie is just that awesome and brilliant that she has the ability to do this - to entertain herself in the crib in the mornings with a couple stuffed animals, some links, a book, and her mobile moving and the music softly playing. 

I don't know.  It just really gets my goat when I hear parents of babies say how much their little one loves Elmo or Dora when the only way that's possible is if they're being sat in front of the TV nearly every day to watch it.  And that, like the three year old with the pacifier, saddens me greatly when every day brings something new to be discovered for these young, growing minds yet they're moved in front of the TV for part of it!!


And now I'm off to go buy my Lovie a BOOK. ; ) : D

You take the good, you take the bad

So daycare (DC). Lovie goes to an independent center that’s actually a Preschool… they even having Kindergarten classrooms. This was an awesome plus when deciding to let Lovie attend the place because she wouldn’t be plopped in front of a tv (none there!) and all of the teachers are sure to have a higher education in early education so there are actual lesson plans- even in the infant room! Sure it’s more expensive than in-home care, but I sincerely feel that this is the best place for Lovie. She’s thrived and I really do attribute a lot of that to the care they provide. Plus, because we’re most likely on team One and Done, she gets the social interaction she most certainly wouldn’t get at home alone with me if we could afford me to stay home with her. (Please, please don’t tell me if we cut back on things and sacrifice here and there, I could be a SAHM. I can’t. Not now. I bring too much debt and a condo that can’t sell for what I owe into the big picture, so until things turn around with the economy, we both have to work full time.)

So for the most part, I really am grateful for Lovie’s DC. It’s been nearly five months now (next week- holy shit eh!) and I really like all of her teachers and even the babies in her room. But there’s one thing I don’t care for- and haven’t since nearly the beginning: Lovie naps like shit when she’s there.

See Lovie’s quite the observer and needs to be up in everyone’s business. It’s not that she has to be right there in the middle of whatever’s happening per say, but she does have to be able to at least see what’s going on. She’s always been like this- even from birth when she was pulled out of me… She wouldn’t scream for the doctors (I think her Agpar- or whatever it's called level- was like 5 or something because of this!!) because she was too busy looking around (true story!)! The doctors even had to zap her with this buzzer thing a couple times to get a cry out of her! I mean, what healthy baby doesn’t scream as soon as they’re set free from the warmth of the womb?!?

Anyway back to the lack of napping thing…I’m tired of picking her up from DC and her passing out as soon as we get in the car. I mean, yes, it’s great that she sleeps so easily in the car because the commute can be over an hour some days but it’s more than that. When we finally do get home, she still naps and naps and naps. Yesterday for example, she napped a total of ONE HOUR at school. She’s there for 9 hours! How is a one hour nap for a near 7 month old even acceptable?!

“She was feisty, today,” was the response I got regarding the one, 1-hour nap.

Grrr. I really try not to let it get to me but it’s just hard. I do understand it’s hard for them because she really does like to constantly be in the middle of everything but golly gee, maybe if her crib wasn’t RIGHT NEXT TO THE PLAY AREA, she might be able to close her eyes?!

I guess I just need to pull up my big girl panties and confront them once and for all and ask WHY her crib is first and if they can move it to the back of the room.

I mean I totally understand that she naps much better at home because there isn’t 11 other babies running, screaming, crying, playing, eating, shitting, whatever. I get that. But it’s not like it’s a library at home, either; we talk in our normal voices, we watch TV at a regular level, etc.

I just miss my baby doll so much during the work day and rush to pick her up to spend some time with her- but then when we get home all she does is nap (yesterday was the worst- napping from the time we hit the car until her bedtime, waking up once to have a bottle and going right back down!).. And, yes, I can be selfish and keep her awake (most days) but that’s really not good for her. She, like every baby, needs to get their rest.

This is all just one more reason why I don’t even think I’m going to do a trial two week run with a compressed work week my job is offering – because it’ll mean she get even LESS nap time in during the nine days I’d be working later.

Ughs. Anywaaaaaaaaay. It’s Friday. Tomorrow I have to get a root canal (which I’m actually looking forward to so hopefully I can go one day without a screaming headache by the end of it) and Sunday the husband has to go into work early which means it’s just me and my Lovie! Cannot wait!

I HATE SUMMER!

The hot sun beating down.

The 100% humidity day in and day out.

And it's not even mid-July yet FFS!

It's seriously no wonder I don't really know anyone who was born in April!

BRING ON THE SNOW, PLEASE!

a'scared

*Gulp*

I have to go to the dentist today.

I can't put it off any longer.

My mouth hurts too much and I'm getting headaches every day as a result (pretty sure).

I hate the dentist.

I know, I know: Who likes going to the dentist?  Freaks, that's who. ;)

Besides the pain and the embarrassment (I couldn't even tell you how many fillings, crowns, etc are in there), it's just so fucking expensive. Even with "dental insurance".

And besides all that, I'm just - plain and simple - a'scared.

*gulp*

... and I forgot toothpaste so I can even brush before I go.

I'm not sure if it's this shittastically hot and humid weather, the fact that I've had killer cramps and really heavy bleeding now for days and days, or the fact that I'm just a miserable bitch... but I'm feeling so Blah lately.

Thank God for Lovie.  That's all I can say, really.  I've been in this place before...this place in my head...this place that leaves me questioning so many different things.  And it sucks so bad. 

Thank God for Lovie.

Here we go again.

It's official. I'm in the midst of sickness number four since starting back to work and putting Lovie in daycare four months ago. So I should expect to feel like ass at least once a month then?  And this is in addition to  Aunt Flo visits, too. FUN!!

Grumble.

So yesterday they let us out of work early because the power went out and there was no a/c. That means I got to pick up my Lovie a couple hours early! HOORAH!! When I walked into her room, she was sitting in a high chair (my big girl) whining. HahaHehe. She was looking at one of the teachers and whining to her - that's why I found it funny. Because I know my girl and my girl was telling this teacher she was hungry.  And I want my baby doll to speak up if she wants something. ;)

I put my bag down and said, "Oh what's wrong, baby girl?" Her eyes left the focus on the teacher and her whole body shifted to the entrance of the room. Once she saw me her face lit up.

Angel's sing.

"Why are you whining?" I said as her arms and legs started to go all crazy with excitement and a big smile covered her face. "Are you hungry?"

Again her arms and legs were all crazy and her little pursed mouth was making Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm sounds.  Don't get me wrong. These Mmmm sounds aren't like Mmmmm Good and Tasty, but rather Mmmm!!!! Mmmmm!!!!  Does that make any sense? Probably not but it's not a satisfactory sound, but rather a OMGI'MSOHUNGRY sound. :D

The teacher told me they were about to feed her but it could wait if I wanted. I told her I would feed her. And I did. And she gobbled the carrots all up like a big, good girl.

All the while one little girl, much bigger than Lovie so I'd have to put her at or very near 1, was screaming. And I mean screaming. She wasn't crying as there were no tears, she was just plain unhappy. And she was in one of the jumperoo things.  Apparently, the teachers were ordered by this child's mother that the girl is to stay in the jumperoo or the high chair at all times.

WTF?!

I started to get upset when they told me this. I mean, here I am feeding my Lovie and then picking her up all while this poor child is screaming because she can't move any more than the stupid jumperoo would allow. All because the teachers are doing what they're told by the parent.

Apparently the girl has become quite mobile with her crawling and is thereby getting hurt a lot so to avoid the scratches and bumps and bruises, the parent has ordered that she stay in the jumperoo or high chair at all times whilst there.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I'm sorry. I know my baby doll is only (almost) 6 months old and isn't crawling yet (though she's getting super damn close which is freaking me), but I EXPECT that once she starts becoming more mobile that things will start happening.  Isn't that par for the friggin course?!?

I was really upset by this news. Not only do I have to listen to this poor child scream, but so do the teachers- only they have to listen to it ALL DAY LONG. All so the child doesn't CRAWL?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

The more she screamed the more my blood boiled and the faster I needed to leave before I started releasing that boil! Wow. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to hold my tongue today if the same thing happens when I pick up Lovie.

I'll probably be too wrapped up into the fact that my head feels like it's under water to focus on anything else.

How I spent the weekend before Summer's start.

We survived the weekend and all I got was this crappy head cold to show for it! Grrr. I should've known, really. Late last week, I found myself asleep on the couch after Lovie was put to bed- and her bedtime is 7!  Being ridiculously tired is always my first sign of a sickness about to knock me out.

Saturday we went to look at a couple apartments (one awful, one perfect- but too small!) and then went to a baby shower for the husband's cousin and his baby mama. What a fucking waste of a day. The invite said 2-6 so we show up at 210 and the guest of honor showed up at ... wait for it ... 420!!  I was pretty steamed and felt pretty fucking insulted to be honest. Just rude.  If it were my family, I'm pretty sure I would've left.  But then again, if it were my family, it wouldn't have gone down like that. There's just no excuse. Particularly when we find out that the mom-to-be lives 5 minutes away from the venue.  RUDE!

My MIL showed up after 3 (and the whole day was a reminder and an understanding of sorts as to why she showed up to my shower two hours late), saw us (there was one other person there on time), walked right up to us, put her purse down, and took my Lovie out of my hands without saying anything.  I understand she loves and adores Lovie and that she's her only grandbaby but come on!  Say something before just yanking her out of my arms.  And the next time I was actually able to see my baby and hold her (to change her diaper of course) she smelled like MIL: gnarly old lady perfume and moth balls. FUCK!!!

What is it with women and their perfume?!  Why the hell does perfume even exist?  I haven't worn any since I was like 13. Because it stinks. And it always makes me sneeze or gag. Always. Just slap on some fucking deodorant like the rest of us, would you?!  UCK!!

When we finally left the stupid shower, we had to head over to my dad's place to do the Father's Day thing with him.  It was almost 7 already!  Wha?!?!  After an hour and a half or so we were on our way home.

Lovie was incredible the whole day despite only napping for half an hour or so at the shower.  She fell asleep while we were at my dads and then went straight to bed when we got home... but she did end up waking at  3, 330, 4 and 6 for the day. Yikes.  That's when I started feel my head pounding and my throat closing.  Fortunately Lovie's able to play independently so I let her do so in her pack n play and in the Jumperoo before breakfast and her first nap of the day. And when she was down for her nap (in the swing), I placed the husband's gift (a framed collage of photos of him and Lovie since her birth) and a card on his office chair and laid down on the couch next to Lovie in the swing. It was 8am.

At around 11, Lovie was still swinging and napping and I was asleep on the couch next to her when I hear sniffing.  I get up to find the husband in the office with tears streaming down his face (he'd probably kill me if he knew I was blogging about this). He found his gift and LOVED it. That or he was just so disgusted by it that it brought him to tears.

Lovie said her first real words yesterday, too: Da da da da was heard as she and her daddy were playing. The husband and I chuckled about it because while it was clear that she said "Da Da", it was was also clear that she had no clue what she was saying. But the timing of it happening on Father's Day was just priceless!

For lunch, I treated to Fogo de Chao which was a hit as always.

Lovie was, again, such a good girl. She sat in a high chair (first time in a restaurant) the whole time! My BIG GIRL! Everybody passing by stopped to tell us how cute she is. One woman even said, "I just have to say she's the cutest baby I think I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of babies in my life!"

At one point when I was holding her near the end of lunch, she was very smiley and chatty with the people sitting next to us. The people were enamored by her, laughing and talking to her, and exclaiming, "I swear she just said Hi!"

I swear she does, too. That and I Love You.  I swear she's talking already in addition to sitting and practically crawling. And she's not even 6 months old yet!  INSANITY.

And now I have to drown myself in water and hot tea and pray I can wash the shit that's in my head out so that I don't miss a single thing with Lovie... the countdown to her Half Birthday has officially begun: 8 more days!!

Warning: Cursing inside

I’m in a weird mood.

Work was crazy busy this morning and it has nothing to do with me, yet I have to be the one to come up with the answers. Make sense? No, not to me either! Fuckers.

Went to the bathroom moments ago and saw blood. WTF? I thought I stopped bleeding last night and now there’s blood on my panties again. Seriously. It’s bad enough I gotta deal with this shit every month, can’t it just be consistent?! Bleed or don’t bleed. Don’t fucking tease me by letting me go 15 hours with no bleeding. Bitch.

Yesterday’s mail included two handwritten pieces addressed to both me and my husband. No mention of Lovie. One was an invite to a wedding shower, the other was the invite to the wedding. It doesn’t say “no kids” but it’s pretty implied, I think. I know when I got married, I was all for having kids (to me, personally, weddings are a big family thing and family means kids- and yes, we paid for our own wedding in its entirety tyvm) attend and addressed the invite to Smith Family... and since these invites in yesterday's mail were only addressed to the hubs and I, I have to assume that means no Lovie.

Gross.

I know lots and lots and lots of people would jump at the chance at having a night out without the kid. But I’m not one of those people. I’ve waited such a long ass time to be a parent and I just want to parent, by god. I don’t want a break. I get one every fucking day I come to work. I miss my baby doll so much. Even when I’m with her I miss her. And now I have to miss her not once but twice coming up? WTF?!

Pre-Lovie, I would’ve thought that I just wouldn’t go to the event, but I really like the people who are getting married – well, at least the bride to be since I don’t know the groom to be. I really want to be there to show my support and share in this glorious time with them. But I also want to be with my Lovie and my Lovie comes first. Always.

Does that mean I don’t go? OMG, I don’t know!! I have to go. I want to go. But … MAN THIS GROWN UP SHIT IS HARD SOMETIMES!

Monday Morning Madness

I got AF last night. Again. WTF.

I prepared Lovie's bottles last night for today's daycare. Like I do every single night. Only this time I left them sit on the counter all night long. WTF.

I have horrid cramps- in the front and the back. WTF.

The highway ramp I use to get on to the expressway in the morning and off in the evening is closed for who knows how long for repair. WTF.

It's Monday. WTF.

Whatever.

All I have to do is look at, or think about, this baby doll of mine:

She's sitting in her crib in this picture. She's been sitting unassisted for about three weeks now. It started out slowly and she'd topple over after a couple seconds. Then she was able to stay up for about 30 seconds and last week she was able to sit for several minutes before flopping over.

Then this past weekend, we were visiting her grandfather and we had Lovie sit on the floor and play with a soccer ball (it's World Cup time dontcha know!). Twenty minutes later she was still SITTING there trying to get this ginormous ball into her mouth.

Then yesterday the same thing: she just sits and plays with stuff. And is content as can be. In fact, I'd venture to guess that she's even happier these days then in days past and she's been a pretty happy baby since birth!

We're so blessed.

So F off Monday Morning Madness!!

Trendy Confession

The Trendy Part of this post:

Katie at Desperate for Coffee (please check her out... if you're into honest writing) nominated me for the Trendy Blog Award.

To receive this award, promise to share this with 10 other blogs that you think are Trendy too.
*Post about your award in your blog.
*Share with the bloggers.
*Ask them they need to give this award out to 10 as well.

So, the ten blogs I'm passing this on to...

Peppermint Bee
Mommy Glow
Because I Said So
The Pursuit of Happiness
This Adventure, Our Life
La Buena Vida
The Baker's Family Blog


Now for the confession part:

If you counted, I didn't include 10 blogs to pass this award on to? FOR SHAME!!

Why? 

Couple reasons: I'm at work (where I do most of my blogging, sadly) and the computer is a piece of shit. I know I've bitched about it before but it's worth mentioning again... because it is. A piece of shit. And that's frustrating as hell.

Some blogs I try to visit... I just don't get it.  I think it's bigger blogs or blogs with advertising or something. I'm not really sure. But when I go visit a blog (and it's never happened with a website other than a blog!), that blog will suddenly appear in three billion different tabs in my browser and my computer will freeze.

Sometimes I really feel like I'm losing my mind when this happens - and it's just NOT cool to happen when working. What happens if someone walks by or, I dunno, I need to do some work and my computer has three billion tabs open to a blog and no other program can hide it?

As much as I hate being a working mom, I need my job right now.

So yeah. I was nominated the other week for this award and tried playing, but again, I had the problem with the gazillion tabs opening thereby freezing my computer thing so I just gave up.

Blah.

Anyway, the most important part of this entry ... 

GO MIGHTY BLACKHAWKS!!

Gah I have chills after listening to those.