I think my husband is trying to kill me.

Ughs, I'm soo bloody tired. It's not even funny.

Sunday I was in bed all day because I was feverish and puked my guts out midday. Monday I stayed home from work and stayed in bed all day (till I picked up Lovie from school) because I was exhausted. Tuesday and Wednesday I had to work so no resting during the day and I feel like I'm just walking around in a haze today as a result. Because while I very well am going to bed early enough, I can't fucking get more than a couple hours of solid sleep a night.

Because my husband is trying to kill me.

Really, I'm starting to really wonder if this is what is happening.

He comes to bed after me, always has. Way after me. Like I go to bed by 9 (generally) and he doesn't come to bed for hours later. Like hours.

And when he does he hits the pillow and starts snoring pretty immediately.

Which I can generally deal with.

Unless he gets on his stomach and starts attacking his face.

RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB RUB

Deep groan in that gets held for so long I wonder at times if he stopped breathing.

Whooshing of blowing air out.

But it's never consistent or I may be able to somehow ignore it and drift back off to sleep... except that the RUB RUB RUB part always wakes me up because he shakes the whole fucking bed while he's doing it, while he attacks his face (nose).

I nudge him; I kick him; I ask, "Did you take a Claritin today?" until he answers me. Sometimes I will just bark, "Get off your stomach!"

It's fucking maddening. MADDENING.

So maybe he's not trying to kill me after all. Maybe he's just trying to drive me fucking insane.

tired

Hot. That’s how I would describe the weekend. And that’s not right…not for October in the Midwest! It should be nice and cool and crisp but instead we had to turn the damn a/c on to ease up on the damn sweat that oozed from our pores. Boo! Not a fan of summer heat as it is and then when it invades my Fall, I just wanna throw out a big “Ef You” to it.

I wonder if the heat and my hatred of it played upon my mood this weekend. I wasn’t very happy and that makes me sad. I love seeing and being with my Lovie, yet when she got up both Saturday and Sunday hours before the sun, I was angry. And that saddens me… that I was angry. I wasn’t angry at her, just that she refused to sleep in – or even play by herself in the crib for a bit. I mean I got my fat ass up and gave her some toys and turned on her closet light and told her she could stay awake… and 6 minutes later she stood hanging onto the crib rails like a prisoner and screamed. And cried. And chewed on the railing. And screamed and cried and screamed. All while the husband snored. Are you kidding me, man?!? Angrily I got up (both days) and stormed back into her room, threw the light on, scooped her up and out of the crib and placed her on the floor and placed my fat ass in the chair we have in there. And both days she looked at me, made her way to a toy, looked at me and smiled as she played.

She was so happy to be free of the crib, to be with her momma, and moments prior I was angry.

I suck!!

I’m just so tired…all the time. (Lovie has only STTN maybe a dozen times in her life- and no matter how frustrating it might be to get up, I cannot fathom letting her “cry it out”.) And the fact that I can’t seem to ever catch up on sleep just pisses me off even more. And I hate being pissed off over something like that because the fact of the matter is that I’ve never been happier in my life. Because of her. My Lovie.

She just smiles at me and it’s like … magic. I may be tired, I may be upset that I’m up before the sun while my husband snores in bed, but all she does is look at me and smiles and everything in the world is great again.

this pic is exactly (oddly enough) 2 months old
bc she's not a fan of the camera these days

I'm tired again.

Go figure.

Lovie slept great last night. I put her down at 7, she woke around 11 and Her Daddy fed her while I slept. Then at 130am Her Daddy came to bed and started with his obnoxiously loud snore-then-abruptly-stop-snoring-so-he-could-rub-off-his-face bullshit. It doesn't matter how many times I bitch to him about how ridiculously annoying it is to be woken up in the middle of the night because he's rubbing off his face in his sleep, he won't do anything about. It's only been 10 years, man. COME ON ALREADY!!

At about 2am I finally had had it. Try as I might to get him to roll back to his back or side instead of his stomach, he wouldn't budge. So I got up and went on the couch after looking in at my beautifully perfect Lovie who's arms were spread out over her head.

I laid there trying to calm down for having to get up, for having my precious sleep disrupted and just as I started to drift, Lovie started to stir and fuss. It was about 3AM. I let her go at it for about 10 minutes before she got louder and louder and then fell silent for 10 minutes. Yay, my big girl is learning to soothe herself! I went back to lay on the couch and about 10 minutes later, she started fussing loudly again so I got up and gently put a Binky in her mouth and rubbed her head and belly. Her tiny eyes were closed and remained closed after the Binky went in her mouth. She fell back to sleep immediately so I went back on the couch, knowing very well that she would stir again in 20 minutes and I'd need to go warm a bottle.

I drifted off and dreamt that I was getting a manicure and the people wanted to charge me like $250 when it was all said and done and when I balked at the price, they said I could get the every day manicure for like $150. I wanted to balk and leave the room but felt stuck. And then my alarm went off and it was 5am!

Lovie didn't wake up after her 3 AM Binky. I was amazed and went to make sure she was OK and found her laying on her side so that her head was up against one side of the crib while her feet were against the other (!), Binky off to the side. I got a bottle together and stuck it in some hot water while I showered. She still wasn't awake when I was done, so I had to wake her. Boo. Not a fan of waking my sleeping baby doll!!

Yeah so anyway. I'm ass fucking tired again. And my fucking throat hurts again!! And this snatch down the hall is coughing up a lung.

Momma's not gonna be happy if she gets sick again!

3 months

Happy 3 months, Lovie!!

Even though I'm sitting here at work doing everything possible to Not fall asleep and you're at daycare probably napping - or eating, or pooping, or playing, or swinging - I'd much rather be with you at home celebrating like we did the last two months... with a photo shoot! We had a fun weekend though and I guess that's what matters - that when we do spend time together, it's fabulous. And it was. Even though we didn't do anything, really. Other than hang. And I soooo love hanging with you. 24/7 if I could!!
________________________________________
Last night was rough. Not because of anything baby related. Well, not really but kind of: I have the yeast infection from hell...which was the dessert to the cold from hell two weeks ago! By god, I can't catch a break - and oddly enough, it's all only since going back to work!! Go figure!

Yeah so last night was very rough. I've basically been awake since 1AM because I just couldn't stop scratching my crotch. Oy. It hurts. And it itches. What a friggin conundrum, eh?! Argh. I finally went to the doc a bit ago and got a prescription by way of one little pill (had a bad experience with Monistat a couple years ago that made it seem like the sun was in my up my who-ha- Modern Family anyone??). Somethings gotta give.

2 hours and 15 minutes, Lovie...

How tired?

Last night I fell asleep on the couch.

(heh, I love this picture. thank you google images)

This was after Lovie had her bottle and was taking a snooze in her swing - and before dinner arrived.

That's how tired I've been.

How tired?

So tired that I fell asleep on the couch waiting for dinner to come. I have so little energy that I not only don't cook these days but I also nap between Lovie's naps and dinner time.

I'm a sad Momma. (And by sad I mean pathetic)

I hope I can get used to all of this soon... though I reckon missing her whilst I'm at work will be one of those things I never get used to.

Tired

I'm fucking tired today. Exhausted.

I hate being back to work. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I was impacting lives or, I dunno, busy. You'd think after two months off, I'd be busy. But noo. Not me. And I know I shouldn't complain. I know I'm "lucky" to have a job. This job. And it's not horrible or anything like that. I like the company for the most part. I like the building and my environment (except for the shrilly voiced, annoying as fuck woman that sits next to me). I like that I can face my computer in such a way that nosey passersby can't see what's on my screen. I like that I can accrue my vacation and sick time if I want.

But I don't like that I'm here and my baby is in daycare. I don't like that at all. I've waited so long to be a mom, to be blessed with the most amazing gift ever imaginable. And after only two months with her... just as she started to really become this little person with a smile and a giggle and a personality... I have to ship her off to someone else while I sit here blogging.

WTF?!

Whatever. It is what it is. I need to buck up and get a hold of myself and accept it already.

But that doesn't mean I have to stop complaining does it?

I need another cup of coffee right now.

I don't really have the energy at this time to complain anymore anyway... not after wasting the morning so far on creating yet another blog (you know, to add to the recipe blog, the pregnancy blog, the miscarriage blog, the 2nd pregnancy blog, the baby blog) with another free template.

Coffee. That's my mission right now. Find some and drink some. Now.