a bit of a confession

That's right, I've got a bit of a confession to share. It may not come as a big shock to some people, but it is to me. It's the first time I've felt like this since having Lovie and, well, you can check it all out over at Shell's place:

I'd really love it if you'd visit me there today.

Thanks, Shell for having me.

not really Mama or Lovie related. well maybe a little.

Last year I got a little personal and told the world (all 5 of you that read this) that I was FAT.

I yammered on about how morbidly fat I am, but how I don't let it define me. While this still holds true today, my grasp on not letting it define me is growing weaker and weaker.

I still absolutely refuse to reveal any of these issues to Lovie. (Just yesterday she wanted to go to the park after school but I had to pee badly so we stopped at a Wendy's. And, of course, once she realized we were in a place with burger and fries she wanted a burger and fries. And I got her some. Because she's TWO. Because eating this shit in moderation IS ABSOLUTELY OK! Even if it's fried. Even if it's not organic. She ate 3/4 of the burger and all her fries, downed her water and barely touched her mini Frosty. And when she was done, we went to the park where she ran around for an hour.)

But, I have GOT to make some changes. I cannot allow my size to define me and I feel myself slipping toward that.

I deserve more. SHE deserves more.

I guess this is more Mama and/or Lovie related than I thought.

Anyway, I'm hoping this confession helps me get back to where I was a year ago. Actually, I'm hoping this confession helps me get back to where I was six years ago before my grandfather passed away when I was at the smallest size I'd been in all my adult life.



Pouring my Heart Out and Linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say.

On being an introvert

I need help… serious help. I have no idea how to socialize with people I’ve just met other than on message boards or via email, facebook, twitter. I’m a horrible introvert IRL and while I thought I had come a long way, the truth is that I’ve only come a long way in the media life, not real life. : (

I have no clue how to talk to people I’m just meeting when we’re face to face.


Yesterday Lovie and I stopped at the park again. A new park in the suburbs. A smaller, more peaceful park. At first she was one of three kids playing so it was no big deal. But by the time we left, 45 minutes later, the park was full of little and big people. At first Lovie was just enjoying the slide and checking things out. And then this little blonde haired, blue eyed beauty entered the scene and she just whizzed by Lovie going from one thing to the other like most 3 year olds do. This little girl’s mom wore the hugest smile as she watched her girl play and then when she saw Lovie, she laughed, her face brightened up even more, and, after a few minutes of watching the girls, she asked, “How old is she?”

"Almost 15 months."

“She is absolutely beautiful.”

"Oh thanks," I replied looking at Lovie. I wanted to return the compliment because I felt the same way about her daughter who reminded me of a young Thora Birch only I couldn’t remember the name of the young actress until just now. I kept seeing the image of the young actress with the eyes that popped every time I looked at this mom’s girl and I tried so hard to get the actresses name in my head so I could tell the mom, but it never clicked until two minutes ago when I remember the last name and did a google search.

But why couldn’t I at least tell her that her girl was gorgeous and reminded me of an actress? Why couldn’t I tell her that I was super impressed with the girl’s manners (she was asking things politely and saying thank you to her mom without the mommy telling her to do so)? I just felt like if I said something then, after she complimented my Lovie, she’d think I wasn’t genuine and that I was just returning the compliment because that’s what you’re “supposed to do.” And I really didn’t want her to think that, so I just smiled a lot. Like a friggin idiot.

UGH!

Lovie and I stayed at the little kids play area while the 3 year old and her mom went elsewhere but we soon met up again at the swings as Lovie seemed to really be attracted to the young girl who was now swinging. I tried getting Lovie to swing but like the day before and the Sunday before and last year, she didn’t want any part of it. She just wanted to watch the big girl swing. So the mom and I started talking about swinging etc. But when I say we started talking, I mean she did most of the talking and I smiled and kept my words very short.

I felt so stupid.

I just don’t know how to talk to people I don’t know. I can answer questions, I will look you in the eye, but I just have no clue how to change subjects or ask questions. I have no idea how else to explain it. I’m fine once I get to know a person but until then, I just clam up.

I think it has to do with the many years I isolated myself from others because I realized that people, generally, are very selfish. I spent time actually testing this theory out anytime I’d get into a conversation with a classmate or a coworker. We’d get into a conversation where I’d be talking and then, on purpose, I would abruptly stop talking for some stupid reason (tie my shoe, cough, bend down to scratch my leg, etc) and not continue a clearly unfinished story. On purpose. To see if the person who was allegedly listening would ask me to continue. And more than not they wouldn’t ask me to continue, but would start talking themselves.

I couldn’t even say how many times I did that and I think it just made me truly believe that people don’t give a shit about what I have to say and that, in turn, made me unable to socialize well with others.

And now, years later, I’m clueless when it comes to socializing with strangers IRL.

Again, throw that woman on a message board or facebook or some other media outlet and I won’t have a problem.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!??

UGH.

The mom gave me another chance when we met up at the sandbox. Lovie was sitting on the edge of it and the woman brought over her daughter’s sandbox toys (super duper nice- of course I thanked her!) for us to use while they continued swinging the bigger swings. Soon they joined us at the sandbox and we all sat together and she asked our names and we talked about the girls’ names and … I SUCK AT LIFE.

Why can’t I ask questions? Why can’t I compliment her daughter’s kindness and manners and friendliness to play with my child?

I found this woman to be a very genuine person- and I could actually see us running into one another again (which I really hope is the case so I can finally rectify this stupid mess I made). Hopefully she won’t run away if she sees us.

After the sandbox, Lovie and I made our way back to the little kid play area and played a bit alone- something I cherish! God, I love making my doll laugh and have fun! : ) Several minutes later, the mom and girl came our way and the girl started playing near Lovie again, which Lovie really enjoyed. The mom stood by and smiled and chuckled at them and again commented on Lovie’s beauty, “She really could be on a cover a magazine or something!”

My reply?!?? God, I’m so embarrassed to admit this… “Oh my!” I said shocked- because she really seemed so enamored with Lovie and after having mucked on other conversation chances with her, I just assumed she’d given up on us and I really was not expecting the comment. “Thanks so much!”

That’s IT. That’s all I said. UGH I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK!!

Her girl started running around from one thing to the other and Lovie was following the girl and laughing at her and really wanting to play with her- but I could see the mom really needed to leave. Something about daddy waiting for them so I told the girl that we would see them again and play with them more then and thanked her so much for playing with Lovie and letting us use her toys.

So I can talk to a 3 year old but not a 30 year old?!?!

God, I’m such a loser!


I have GOT to figure this out. I have GOT to figure out how to talk to strangers because I’ll be damned if Lovie grows up an introverted loser like myself. Right now, we’re complete opposites when it comes to socializing as she adores people- especially when they pay her even an ounce of attention. But if I don’t learn how to communicate in a better fashion with strangers in the park etc soon, she’s going to catch on and start acting that way, too. And I just cannot let that happen. I can’t!

Any thoughts on how to break free of the clamming up in real world social situations? Help!

Trendy Confession

The Trendy Part of this post:

Katie at Desperate for Coffee (please check her out... if you're into honest writing) nominated me for the Trendy Blog Award.

To receive this award, promise to share this with 10 other blogs that you think are Trendy too.
*Post about your award in your blog.
*Share with the bloggers.
*Ask them they need to give this award out to 10 as well.

So, the ten blogs I'm passing this on to...

Peppermint Bee
Mommy Glow
Because I Said So
The Pursuit of Happiness
This Adventure, Our Life
La Buena Vida
The Baker's Family Blog


Now for the confession part:

If you counted, I didn't include 10 blogs to pass this award on to? FOR SHAME!!

Why? 

Couple reasons: I'm at work (where I do most of my blogging, sadly) and the computer is a piece of shit. I know I've bitched about it before but it's worth mentioning again... because it is. A piece of shit. And that's frustrating as hell.

Some blogs I try to visit... I just don't get it.  I think it's bigger blogs or blogs with advertising or something. I'm not really sure. But when I go visit a blog (and it's never happened with a website other than a blog!), that blog will suddenly appear in three billion different tabs in my browser and my computer will freeze.

Sometimes I really feel like I'm losing my mind when this happens - and it's just NOT cool to happen when working. What happens if someone walks by or, I dunno, I need to do some work and my computer has three billion tabs open to a blog and no other program can hide it?

As much as I hate being a working mom, I need my job right now.

So yeah. I was nominated the other week for this award and tried playing, but again, I had the problem with the gazillion tabs opening thereby freezing my computer thing so I just gave up.

Blah.

Anyway, the most important part of this entry ... 

GO MIGHTY BLACKHAWKS!!

Gah I have chills after listening to those.

One is the loneliest number?

Lately I've been wondering if something is wrong with me...

I don't think I want to have another child. I think I'm perfectly content with just my Lovie.

But it's more than that. I can't seem to comprehend why some actually *want* more than one child. I mean, what difference does it make to me if someone else had 2, 3, 19 kids?! Who cares, right? But for some reason I do care and it does matter to me... but I have no clue why.

Maybe I'm trying to understand the purpose of having more than one child in the hopes that I, too, will want another?? Or maybe I'll feel more... human... if I understand it why I don't want another one.

But I don't get it and that makes me feel very ... ... I don't even know!!

I love Lovie so much. I've known for nearly 20 years now that I wanted to become a Mom and am so incredibly grateful to be one (finally)... so why stop now? Why not try to have another?

Gah, I don't know why!!

Maybe it's because it's only been 3 months since Lovie was born... maybe it's because I have to work (not a choice right now!) and I miss Lovie so much and can't imagine having to miss two babies this much... maybe it's because I'm selfish and am afraid that I couldn't possibly love another baby the way I love Lovie... maybe, maybe, maybe.

I just wish I had a reason- one that I believed- as to why I don't want another child... as to why I cringe when I hear someones pregnant again.

Because right now, all I know is that I really do not want another child. I just want Lovie.

1/2 hour baby girl!!

Confession

I have THE cutest baby ever.

I'd prove it by posting a recent picture of her but I don't wanna. This blog is Public and I just don't wanna expose the perfection that she is because of the many whackos that exist out there.

But trust me on this one. She's THE cutest, THE most perfect baby EVER.

And I get to see her in one our and fifteen minutes!! I cannot wait!