Losing it

The lady who works in the space behind me makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with forks. But then I’d be blind and knowing Murphy, I’d still be forced to somehow work here. So rather than going blind, she makes me want to stick fire pokers in my ears. It's her voice. It annoys the ever lovin' piss outta me with its shrill that reminds me of cats in heat. It wouldn’t be so bad to deal with except she's on the phone with her husband several times a day using terms like “Buddy” and “Golly” and “Good boy” as if he was a dog. It drives me fucking insane. 

 

Insane.

 

I've tried leaving my work space when she gets on the phone with "Buddy," but then how could I look busy at work? 

 

I've tried playing the radio to help drown out her sounds, but because of the generally quiet work environment I can't keep the radio at a level loud enough to do so. (Wouldn't want to disturb daydreaming to the lulling whoosh of air pushing through the ceiling vents or fingers tap dancing across their keyboards. Wouldn't want to disturb eavesdropping on coworkers talking about the football game. Wouldn't want to disturb snapping back to reality when a phone rings or the nearby printer whirs and spits out someones work.) 

 

So I endure the shrill. 

 

I endure pet names and one million Mmm-hmm’s.

 

I endure it all because of a haunting image: 

I sneak up behind her, take the curly black cord attached to the phone she talks into and wrap it around her neck. Over and over and over again. The curls of the cord embed into her neck. She starts to gasp for air. A muffled "Hello!" seeps from the ear piece of the phone. Her arms and hands reach for me… flail for anything… but only find their way onto her neck where I pull even harder at the cord. Blood seeps from the curls of the cord tattooed into her neck now, and a smile emerges onto my face.

Golly gee, Buddy. Does this hurt? Does it hurt the way my ears hurt every fucking day I have to listen to you?!  

 

Between her and an old boss from an old job who’d clip his fucking nails at the desk next to me when he wasn’t chewing his food with his mouth open, it’s no wonder I haven’t lost my marbles quite yet at the workplace.

 

Or have I?

Muahahaha welcome to October at Finally Mom’s.

 

life at work these days

Soooooo

I'm having trouble viewing blogs at work. My computer there at work (I'm currently home- it's 643pm and Lovie's sleeping, after all) sucks ass. It's gotten out of hand, really. How insanely sloooooooooow everything is there. God I'm so sick of it. But. I need the job so I stick around and do my job.

Well, today I tried staying off the internet to see if things would move faster. They did. Shit. That means no blogging. I knew it was the blogs. Some of y'all have a shitton of crap going on on your blogs. Sometimes (for example) I get blogs that, when I go to close out of it, reopens in tab after tab after tab! It's crazy.

So it's for the best, folks.  Well, my best at least.

All that said, I understand if you want to unfollow me or whatever. I'll try my darndest to visit in the evenings but, well, I sit my ass in front a computer all friggin day long and the last thing I want to do is the same thing when I'm home.

And then there's my Lovie, of course. The absolute light of my life. If she's awake, I'm pretty much by her side playing, feeding, bathing, changing, wiping, tickling... you get the idea.

So yeah. I'll try to post when I can, and I'll try to visit when I can.  Sucks, too, cuz I just joined Twitter and was hoping to find new blogs that way (which I have) but I just can't do it when I'm at work.

focus

I'm pretty fortunate.

As much as I don't want to be at work (who does?), I've got it made pretty good here.

I had my review yesterday and I was a little afraid of what might be said because ever since Lovie's been born... I've changed. Quite a bit. And it's effecting my work life, too.

See, I don't really give a shit about anyone or anything- other than Lovie- anymore.

She's everything to me.

I realize how ... insane ... that may sound. So I'm hoping because I realize it's a little crazy- my absolute addiction to this child- that means I'm not really insane. KWIM? I mean, do crazy folk know they're crazy?

Yeah anyway, I've fucked up several times since coming back to work in early March. Several times. I went from never screwing up (seriously) to fucking up more than once. And that's costly for us.

You add that to the fact that things in the department have drastically changed and we don't make but half of what we used to and I'm really surprised I still have a job.

That's why I'm pretty fortunate.

Bossman happens to be a dad of 3 and he's one of those really involved dads... like, he's off on Halloween if it falls during the workweek.  I was hoping this would work well for me, and it has. Thankfully.

We talked about how it's been since being back and it's really the first time I've really thought about it and realized how much I've changed. (Of course I didn't tell him that I could give a rat's ass about what I do and if I fuck up. I mean, I don't like fucking up, but it's not like I'm saving lives here. There's really nothing to stress over. It's not like I can go back in time and fix what I broke.)  And admitting that out loud to him- that I've changed and "lost focus"??? That was some hard shit to say out loud to my Boss! I actually welled up! (But I'm a wuss so really that wasn't so shocking.)

But he was really cool about it... telling me that he understood, telling me that they were there to work with me, that they don't expect things to be perfect all the time, that we're all only human, that if I need to take time off (I have very little due to using it all during maternity leave) to let him know, etc.  I was really kind of touched.

Too bad I still don't give a rat's ass.

I just want my Lovie.

Manic Monday

Gotta make this quick as I’m swamped at work because that’s the way things go around here… left twiddling my thumbs for days, weeks, sometimes months on end and then all of a sudden BAM(!) there’s a shitload of work to get done and it’s all due yesterday. Fun times.

The weekend was good. No, actually, it was fabulous because it was spent with my two favorite people… but it all goes by too quickly. Saturday we headed out to the burbs where we were supposed to wait for a fridge to be delivered at the condo I own and rent out. (Yeah, we’re landlords. You’d think we had money then but we don’t. The dude’s rent doesn’t even cover my mortgage and then I have to pay a monthly association fee because it’s a condo, so he’s living there for nearly $400 less than if he were to own it. Thank you, Economy!) On the way to the condo, however, the delivery company said they had to reschedule. It’s a bunch of bullshit I have no desire to relive. Instead we went to my favorite burger joint in the whole wide world: Red Robin.

Lovie was phenomenal the entire day. She stayed put in her car seat for 5 hours before we got home (walked around the mall for a hot minute after burgers). And then when we got home and freed her from the car seat, she was all giggles until bedtime! It was so much fun. She gets so stinkin’ excited and her mouth opens wide into this big open mouthed smile and it looks like she’s about to squeal in delight but instead all that comes out is this quick cackle. It was hilarious and the hubs and I were practically on the floor rolling in hysterics!

Sunday was good for the hubs, apparently. I felt awful because I spent most of the day cleaning. I try my darndest to hold off for her naps but now that she’s getting older, her naps are getting shorter, and once this old chicka decides to clean, she CLEANS. So I spent all day cleaning: dusting, scrubbing, vacuuming, rearranging, purging… It feels SO GOOD though to sit down in a clean, organized room. It’s not spotless, but there’s no random crap here and there. And I love it. I do hope, hope, hope and pray that I can keep up with some cleaning every day because it really depresses me to go home to a gross apartment. I found this awesome journal of sorts that has inspired me - http://www.totallytogetherjournal.com/ - and I hope to refer to it and follow it every day.

That’s the plan at least.

The hubs said that he had a blast chilling out with Lovie though because he doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with her during the week (there are several days he doesn’t get to see her awake except for first thing in the morning when I bring her in to him on the bed while I get dressed). And I have to admit that seeing them together really warms my heart. Lovie just has this magical effect on people. She’s simply irresistible! And she loves her daddy so much; it’s super cute to see them play together!

The weekend ended on a bit of a sad note, though. After watching Celebrity Apprentice (go Brett!) I caught the beginning of the news and went to bed in tears. I’ve always had a very hard time listening to sad stories involving children (being abused, getting kidnapped, etc) but ever since Lovie’s been born, it’s become tenfold worse. Apparently last night an 8 year old boy fell into the river only a couple miles from where we live. They interviewed his older cousin who was playing with him at the time and the cousin broke down and lost it. Gah, I’m getting teary just thinking about it. They searched for the boy for 4 hours before it got too dark and they had to cease looking.

I never take ONE MOMENT for granted with my Lovie… but it’s stories like this that make you never want to let them out of your sight.

Sorry to end this on a downer note.

I’m sure something ridiculous will happen in a bit for me to bitch about. In the meantime, enjoy a picture from Friday night’s carrot dinner… and one of only 2 pictures captured on Mother’s Day (from the end of the day, a couple hours before bedtime):

Today sucks.

I really need a do over. Or a hug. Or a cigarette (ew, never mind). Or a drink. Or...

First, it was pouring here this morning. Pour.ing. And there's just no cooler thing than having to take a huge plastic garbage bag, cut along the sides of it to make a huge sheet of plastic, and rigging it up around your baby's stroller so that she doesn't drown by the downpour. Not cool. Meanwhile, by the time we finally make it down the street and to the car (um yeah, thinking about moving to a big city with no private parking, think about the rain and snow and 100% humidified 90 degree days!), I'm drenched from my head to my toes. But my baby girl remained dry as a bone so I guess I won. : )

Then I come to work and feel like I'm sitting a pile of shit all day because I'm doing work that I have no clue about. And regardless how much I try to understand what's happening, I don't... because it doesn't really pertain to me.  I just sort of take information that's given to me and supply it where needed. And now I'm the middle man and ... UGH.

I just need to be with my baby girl right now. So bad. She really is the cure-all to everything. God I miss that sweet face. ... This morning when I had her on the changing table, giving her kisses, she put her hand up to my face. She just held it there and didn't do one of her death grips which has become the norm lately. She gently touched my face as we looked into each other's eyes and smiled at one another. I gave her another kiss and kept my face super close to hers so she could keep touching my face and she lifted her other hand up and basically held onto my face.

I really need more of that, please. Stat.

(don't forget to vote if you haven't already)

SCORE! - or not.

Apparently, there are a couple - dare I say Benefits - to being a working mom. And most of them involve the internet.

Actually it all involves the internet.

I don't think that cherishing the time I do have with Lovie is a benefit to being a working mom because I'm here to scream it to the world if I need to: I love my daughter with everything I have, everything I am and even when I was home with her I cherished every friggin moment - from the screaming to the pooping to the cuddles to the smiles. EVERYTHING. I wasn't, nor will I ever be, one of those moms that wishes time would go by faster. I know you know who I'm talking about: The ones who are "bored" because they have a newborn who "sleeps all the time." You know, the ones who also bitch up a storm because those same "boring" newborns who were sleeping all the time, suddenly start waking every two hours at night... The ones who aren't really satisfied until their child has completely conformed to their life.

And if you happen to be one of those moms, I apologize if something I said or say might offend, but frankly, why did you have a child? I just will never understand the complaining (I mean, yes, even I've cried about being tired, for example, but not every day... and, of course, I'm not talking about postpartum depression either). What do people think happens when they have a child? I mean, REALLY. Or is that the problem? That a lot of people don't think about it - other than they want this little mini version of themselves to dress up and take places to show off like a trophy?!

Gross.

Oh my did I digress. My apologies.

Anyway. Back to the Benefits of being a working mom... at least one who has a desk job of sorts. The time I'm able to spend online while at work as opposed to when I'm home is incredible:

• The other week I figured out how to make the banner at the top of my page. All while at work. It's not perfect, but it'll do for me. And yes, that's mine and Lovie's hand. :)
• Today I ordered a cute (at least it better be once I get it) butterfly mobile I plan to put above Lovie's changing table... and I got it for almost half off. I also ordered, from a different website, 6 more pair of baby leggings since A) they're fucking cute (and poo on you if you don't think so), B) they're awesomely convenient for diaper changes, C) they were more than 1/2 off each (2 pair were actually 75% off!!).

SCORE!

But! While I'm proud of my purchases and enjoy being online, I'd trade it all in a heartbeat to be with Lovie right now. In.a.heartbeat.

Gah.

Never mind what I said about there being benefits to be a working mom. Nothing compares to holding my baby girl, to watching her discover new things, to comforting her when she's unhappy, to changing her stinky diapers, to feeding her empty tummy. NOTHING compares to the time one can spend with their child.

And now I'm in tears.

Three hours my little love bug... God give me the strength.

Perfection

When it comes to my job, I'm perfect! And I can prove it...

When I took over this position several years back, I moved things into the current century and the amount of errors dropped dramatically. In fact after one year on the job, I had NO errors - and things continued like this year after year.

When I went on maternity leave, I was afraid that A) They'd figure out how little I do thereby depleting my job and/or B) that I'd come back to a hot mess.

Neither happened thank god.

But with every passing week, there's a new error that sprouts. And it can all stem back to when I was home with my Lovie and others were filling my shoes.

See, I am perfect.

15 minutes my darling...

For Serious!

Another day ... another whole lot of nothing.

Ugh.

Oh but that's not entirely true.

Earlier this morning I did some actual work that took up about 15 minutes of my time.

Yes, I'm being serious.

Then at lunch I drove over to Babies R Us with my coupon in hand (25% off all clothes and shoes that can fit in a reusable tote bag they hand out upon entering) and spent $86 while saving $82 (Hells yeah!).

And now I'm online yet again.

What I wouldn't do to scoop my Lovie up in my arms, toss her in a warm outfit, grab a blanket, and head out to the park!

You people have no friggin clue how ridiculously draining it is to do nothing for 8 hours a day!!

Yes, I'm being serious!

1 hour baby doll, 1 more hour left to this work week!

Sucky Schedule

5AM - alarm sounds

5-615AM - wake and shower or wake and feed Lovie if she's awake; change Lovie's diaper and get her dressed; get myself dressed while Lovie plays with daddy; get her bottles together and my bag together and get out the door by 615.

620-645AM - drive to McDonald's for large coffee (6 cream, 3 sugar); drive to daycare and drop off Lovie, hoping she'll be sleeping when I get there so I don't have to say goodbye to an awake Lovie (kills me).

645-7AM - drive to work

7-315PM - "work"

315-330PM - drive to daycare and pick up Lovie and fall more madly in love with her as her face lights up when she sees me.

345-430/5PM - drive home in city rush hour traffic, singing to Lovie if she gets fussy but usually she just sleeps

445/5-630PM - play, talk, sing, laugh with Lovie if she's awake but she's usually napping :(

630-7PM - get Lovie ready for bed: bottle, bath (every other night), diaper change, pj's on, read bedtime stories, give hugs and kisses, turn on Seahorse, nighty-night Lovie!

730-9PM - eat dinner (take-out Mr brings home or delivery*); talk to/spend time with the Mr; clean bottles and prepare next days bottles; shit**; tidy up if there's energy to do so.

9PM - nighty night Mr

I'm lucky because Mr is a complete night owl (not me!) so he generally stays awake till around midnight so he's able to give Lovie a bottle when she wakes because she's still not sleeping thru the night. And if she doesn't wake before he's ready for bed, he'll wake her before he comes to bed so the past week I haven't had to wake at 3AM-ish to feed her because she's sleeping good, apparently.

*not sure how the hell we're ever going to lose the pounds we DESPERATELY need to since we don't cook... and it's not that we don't want to cook or know how to, it's more like WHEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO? Sorry, but I'm not about to give up the two measly hours I have with Lovie at the end of the day to cook. And Mr. doesn't get home until after 6 or 7 at night so I'm not about to wait to eat at 9PM! Not gonna happen!!

**sure feels like I have to even schedule my shits in!!

This schedule isn't a choice. I *have* to be here at work right now. We simply cannot afford for me to be home... but we will be looking at our budget this weekend to see what, if anything, we CAN do differently. I'm more than ready to ask to switch to Part Time. Clearly (um, this blog and my others?!) this position can be moved to part time. It will save the company money so why not? But I dare not bring it up until I know for sure we can hack it. Mr doesn't seem to think we can but I have to keep the hope alive... for Lovie. And for me. I just miss her sooo much.

2.5 hours Lovie...

Picture this

Here's something more I did yesterday... while - ahem - working.

Below is the After of one of my favorite pictures of

Lovie's hands holding onto her Daddy's fingers.

Below is the original picture which I thought was darling but would

be much cooler if the background were blurred out somehow.

I think I went a little too crazy on the blurring and blurred too much of the human outline but it's still kind of coolio. To me, of course. And really, that's all that matters! :P

Working mom Benefit

Oh my. I seemed to have discovered a benefit to working (aside from the obvious of being able to keep the electricity on and/or not having to live in a cardboard box in the alley)... Take a look up at the top of the page ::points to fancy new banner::.

*I* created that today. All by myself! Whoa, eh?!

I can hardly believe it myself.

And see the little pics of a baby holding someones finger? That's my Lovie's little perfect hand holding onto my finger and that was actually taken with my cell phone just this past (Easter) Sunday. (see original pic on left)

Yeah so apparently a "plus" to be a working mom is that I have time to work on pictures (I had a bitch of a time blurring the background of our hands) and banners for my blog.

Ridiculous, I know.

15 minutes my Lovie. 15 minutes and I'm out of here and on my way to get you and scoop you into my arms and smother you with kisses and hugs.

3 months

Happy 3 months, Lovie!!

Even though I'm sitting here at work doing everything possible to Not fall asleep and you're at daycare probably napping - or eating, or pooping, or playing, or swinging - I'd much rather be with you at home celebrating like we did the last two months... with a photo shoot! We had a fun weekend though and I guess that's what matters - that when we do spend time together, it's fabulous. And it was. Even though we didn't do anything, really. Other than hang. And I soooo love hanging with you. 24/7 if I could!!
________________________________________
Last night was rough. Not because of anything baby related. Well, not really but kind of: I have the yeast infection from hell...which was the dessert to the cold from hell two weeks ago! By god, I can't catch a break - and oddly enough, it's all only since going back to work!! Go figure!

Yeah so last night was very rough. I've basically been awake since 1AM because I just couldn't stop scratching my crotch. Oy. It hurts. And it itches. What a friggin conundrum, eh?! Argh. I finally went to the doc a bit ago and got a prescription by way of one little pill (had a bad experience with Monistat a couple years ago that made it seem like the sun was in my up my who-ha- Modern Family anyone??). Somethings gotta give.

2 hours and 15 minutes, Lovie...

Bitter Bitch

I'm really hating the moms I know who get to stay at home with their babies everyday.

One hour and fifteen minutes Lovie...

How tired?

Last night I fell asleep on the couch.

(heh, I love this picture. thank you google images)

This was after Lovie had her bottle and was taking a snooze in her swing - and before dinner arrived.

That's how tired I've been.

How tired?

So tired that I fell asleep on the couch waiting for dinner to come. I have so little energy that I not only don't cook these days but I also nap between Lovie's naps and dinner time.

I'm a sad Momma. (And by sad I mean pathetic)

I hope I can get used to all of this soon... though I reckon missing her whilst I'm at work will be one of those things I never get used to.

Money

One look into my checking account - and I "get" why I'm sitting here back at work as opposed to at home with Lovie. I is poor. Really. My account hasn't been this depleted since it was opened...and that was when I was like 20 or something! Scaaar-y!

It still doesn't make things any better or any easier. I miss my Lovie so much. So today instead of reading pathetic ramblings by ungrateful new moms, I actually worked a bit. May as well since I'm getting paid to sit here, right?

One more hour, Lovie. Momma's gonna see you in one more hour. Maybe you can be nice and awake like you were yesterday? And give me lots of smiles again?? I'm so excited to be seeing you again!!

Tired

I'm fucking tired today. Exhausted.

I hate being back to work. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I was impacting lives or, I dunno, busy. You'd think after two months off, I'd be busy. But noo. Not me. And I know I shouldn't complain. I know I'm "lucky" to have a job. This job. And it's not horrible or anything like that. I like the company for the most part. I like the building and my environment (except for the shrilly voiced, annoying as fuck woman that sits next to me). I like that I can face my computer in such a way that nosey passersby can't see what's on my screen. I like that I can accrue my vacation and sick time if I want.

But I don't like that I'm here and my baby is in daycare. I don't like that at all. I've waited so long to be a mom, to be blessed with the most amazing gift ever imaginable. And after only two months with her... just as she started to really become this little person with a smile and a giggle and a personality... I have to ship her off to someone else while I sit here blogging.

WTF?!

Whatever. It is what it is. I need to buck up and get a hold of myself and accept it already.

But that doesn't mean I have to stop complaining does it?

I need another cup of coffee right now.

I don't really have the energy at this time to complain anymore anyway... not after wasting the morning so far on creating yet another blog (you know, to add to the recipe blog, the pregnancy blog, the miscarriage blog, the 2nd pregnancy blog, the baby blog) with another free template.

Coffee. That's my mission right now. Find some and drink some. Now.