PYHO: blech

I actually had something else planned (in my head) to write about for today's PYHO. It's been a while since I've participated and the original thing I planned was super fitting for the reason behind my lack of participation with PYHO- I just don't care much these days. But. I'll have to save that for another PYHO because I have something else to pour out of my head and heart. Something that's been bugging me for a month straight: I'm becoming quite hateful of preschool drop offs these days.

 

For the past two years (come March), Lovie and I have been going to school in the mornings bright and early: around 630 when the center opens.. Lovie was one of a small handful of kids to arrive that early. We would go in, the teachers would dote on Lovie, we'd chat about this and that- sometimes it even was relating to kids. The other few kids would all gather around Lovie before she could walk and then once she could walk, they'd all play together despite the fact that most were older. There wasn't ever much of a battle with dropping her off. She liked going to school.

Now... the past month especially... it's all changed. And very drastically.

And it's kind of pissing me off, to be frank.

This morning, for example, I made sure to be there at 630 on the nose so that she'd be one of the first ones there because I suspect that's why she's been freaking the F out this past month at drop offs. Because lately, there's like a dozen flippin kids there when we get there. At 630-645am. That's a lot of kids when it used to be 3 or 4 TOPS. And I swear to god most of them are all related and huddle together and stare when you walk in the room. And who likes to be stared at?

But this morning was no different than it's been for a month now. At 630 on the dot, there was already a good dozen kids already in the drop off room. Ugh.

Since realizing this is probably the reason why Lovie's been hating drop offs lately, I've been trying my best to ensure that she not know I'm irritated by it all as well. I try to stay upbeat and smiley and fun. We walk in and I say to the all the staring eyes, "Good morning!" They stare back. Lovie starts to whine and clutches onto me. I tell her how much I love her and that I'll see her after snack time like always. She starts to cry. The teacher comes over trying to coax her with cheerios or sitting at the big table. Lovie starts to scream as she reaches for me while the space between us grows. My heart breaks a little. Beady eyes all around. I force a smile, saying "I love you" as a I blow kisses as I exit the room. Her hands and arms reach for me as the tears flood her face and her scream echos inside my head all the way into work.

It sucks ass.

I know she's fine once she gets to go off into her room. But it just sucks ass that for a half hour every morning, she's got to be miserable.

I could bring her in later but then that takes away our time together that we have because it will mean working later and worse traffic which eats at our free time. And color me selfish, I enjoy being with my kid as much as possible.

Ugh, I have a headache thinking of all this.

Firstly, thanks for the kind comments on my last post. I feel hypocritical posting today- from work- after posting what I did last night but the main reason I, myself, blog is to get thoughts out of my head (and sometimes heart) and something happened this morning that I need to express (and posting on my blog isn’t as time consuming and doesn’t seem to slow down the damn network like visiting other blogs, sadly).


It’s my Lovie. She makes me so proud, she really, really does. Sometimes I find myself not liking that I’m proud, though… like, I feel that I should be more sad at times. Sad that she’s doing so awesomely well.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. I mean, who in their right mind is SAD when their child is doing well?!?

crappy cellphone pic from the other day at school...clearly
she wanted me to GTFO as she scoped out what she could
get into that didn't involve her old fart of a mother.

I can try to explain it but I think I need to cut to the chase before you think I’m completely off my rocker: Lovie likes her school. She likes her teachers, she likes her friends. And while this makes me so incredibly happy and proud of my sweet angel for being such a good girl, it makes me sad, too. A sick part of me almost wishes she would miss me more. Why isn’t she crying for me when I leave her? Why does she so easily go to her teachers when they call to her?

The other day when I was picking her up, I was trying to get her coat on and she was more interested in still playing. One of the teachers started talking to her from a couple feet away and spread her arms out and told Lovie to go to her for a hug. And, with me standing right there, Lovie went and hugged this teacher.

Again, I’m really happy that this kind of trust has been built this past year and that Lovie likes it there so much. And I know very well that the reason she’s the way she is is because she knows very well how loved she is and that no matter what we’ll (her dad and I) always be there. I know we’ve spent all of her life (all 13.5 months of it) loving and doting and caring for her in a manner that has enabled her to be ok in certain situations without freaking out. I get that almost a full year of daycare has really helped her socialize and interact with other kids and some adults. That’s why it’s all OK. Those are things I think of when I get this weird feeling that she should be more upset when I leave her like some of the other kids are… because the fact is that she shouldn’t be more upset when I leave her. Not if she’s happy and healthy, not if we’ve been consistent with everything concerning her, not if she’s fully loved on, not if she gets all the attention from us at home... And all of this is, after all, what Lovie knows- and that’s why it’s so easy for her.

She started daycare at 2 months old. Barely. She was so insanely small. She still slept so much. She wasn’t able to sit and play. She just mainly laid there and slept or cried to be fed or to be changed. And the teachers she has today are the same ones that were there nearly a year ago (thankfully). This life of getting up insanely early Monday thru Friday and going to school while her parents are at work is normal to Lovie. That’s all she knows… but she also knows that I pick her up every single day. It’s always me. Always has been and, as far as I can see, always will be. And she knows that I will feed her dinner when we get home and that I will put her to bed. Sometimes dad makes it home in time, but usually not, sadly. She knows this though. It’s normal to her. She knows that when she gets her PJs on and I sing the song I made up over a year ago to the likes of a Christmas song to her that it’s bedtime. She knows that she shuts the light switch off and that when we lay her down and turn on her Seahorse, we’ll be walking out of the room and she is to go to sleep. This is normal to her. There’s not screaming or crying at bedtime in our house. That’s abnormal. She knows that weekends are spent with mommy and daddy playing and laughing and watching Wiggles videos and eating and napping and playing and laughing. This is normal for her. And I know this.

I know that our determination to be consistent with absolutely everything regarding Lovie has enabled her to be such an easy go lucky, adaptable, awesome kid. I really do believe this. Yes, some kids are “easier” than others from early on… but that’s not to say that the parents actions/reactions and attitudes don’t also have a role in this “easy” baby’s life! Lovie wasn’t always “easy”. She wasn’t one of those babies that slept 20 hours a day when she was born. In fact, I wondered where the hell that baby was when I was utterly exhausted day in and day out because of the hours when we couldn’t figure out why she was crying instead of sleeping like everyone elses kid was doing. (Oh and up until two short months ago, Miss Lovie did not sleep thru the night but for a handful of times.) But, we worked with our baby, worked with who she was and what she needed, and made decisions based on her and what she needed from us, and pretty much never swayed from those decisions- just adding to them.

So I totally get it all and I’m so appreciative that she’s turned out, so far, to be so awesome and adaptable and “easy”. I know it would break my heart to hear her scream like some of the other kids. She’s whined a couple times the past couple of months or so and it was really hard to hear and hard to shake once I left and came to work. So I totally get that I should be counting my lucky stars that she likes everyone so much and doesn’t cry because then what?!?

It’s just … hard sometimes.

It’s hard to watch your this little person you've created- this person whom you waited your whole life for, who is your whole life- walk up to someone else and let them scoop her up into their arms. And it’s hard to see that little lady not really react when I leave. Like she did earlier today when I dropped her off: She was all like OK ma, I’m here with my big friends and we’re gonna get down on some cheerios and then play so you can leave anytime you want and I’m all like Wah!

But she's good. She's happy and healthy and ... fucking awesome! And that's what is important and now I feel better. Because now, after writing all that out, I realize how silly it is of me to be sad that she’s HAPPY at school. My big girl. She doesn’t need me so much anymore… too bad for her, I’ll always be here (and/or there)! Even when she’s 13 and 16- and when she finally starts dating at 36. I’ll always be around in some way, shape, or form. So there, Lovie!! :D Take that, my little Chiquita banana!

Save or Toss?

As we approach a full year of daycare, I've got quite a bit of stuff to show for it- aside from the huge depletion of money (if we were able to afford daycare this past year, how were we not living in a mansion or something before? i mean WTF were we doing with all the money going to daycare before it went to daycare?!??!?), of course. Mainly, I've got a ton of papers.

First it was her Daily Reports that let me know what time her diaper was changed and if it was W (wet) or BM (poopy aka Bowl Movement) and if BM the was it BML (loose poop); what time she ate and what or how much; if anything such as diapers, wipes, clothing was needed. I started saving them (why?!? i dunno!) and finally tossed them when I came to terms with the fact that not even a grown up Lovie would want to see this stuff. Duh!

Then there's the Accident Reports that told me that she was playing with a toy when one of her "friends" came over and "accidentally" bopped her in the head with a toy and that Ms. gave her lots of "TLC" and held an ice pack on it.  Thankfully, we've only collected a couple over the year.

Next there's the Book Order Forms they give every other month or so rather than every week or whenever they come in. You know, the little pamphlet made on the thinnest paper known to mankind? I think I've opened up one in the past year and ordered none. Oops. Those pretty much got tossed right away. I just don't have the time to look through them, to be honest!

Finally, and most importantly, is Lovie's Artwork. Now this stuff... I love. I do. I know very well that she's not really creating anything; I get that the teacher simply holds her in her lap, grabs her hand, sticks it in paint and then slaps it onto a piece of paper. I get it, I do. I get that Lovie didn't think to make me something personally- like the mug holder I made in Shop Class back in 8th grade for my single dad who never dated or remarried and therefore only had and needed one mug in life.  There really isn't anything personal about this artwork and I really don't think Lovie would be damaged in any way if I just tossed it... but I can't.

I can't get rid of the pieces of paper with random scribbles on it. I can't. And I won't.

I'm not sure if it's because I have absolutely nothing (tangible or memories as my mom's answer is always "I don't remember") from when I was a child or what, but I really want Lovie to know about her young life. These are the absolute best, most amazing days of my life... and, while it's because of Lovie, she won't remember any of it!! How sad is that??!

I guess by holding on to this infant artwork, I'm hoping that it may spark some memory in me to share with Lovie when she's older... Or maybe she'll ask questions about when she was a kid and I'll be able to actually have something to show her from when she was little.

I know I was loved and wanted. I know this... but... I dunno. For some reason, it's extremely important to me that Lovie know just how much she was loved and wanted. The truth of the matter is that it's pretty impossible to convey this into words ... the love I have for her. So maybe by hanging on to some of the "little" things, it will help.

Anyway, rather than just toss all her artwork in a box and pray it will hold up for years to come, I decided to use it as ... well... art (some individual pieces also hang in her room, the bathroom, the living room, etc):

These hang in the hallway between the kitchen and her bedroom- the french doors on the left of this photo is her room.

I actually got this idea from a blog I saw one day a while back. And, sadly, I'm not sure whose blog, which sucks and I'm really and truly sorry to you if it was yours (just let me know so I can acknowledge it here!) I thought it was brilliant when I saw it- she used wire, I believe, to hang the pictures on... and she screwed them in to those eye hook things (the ones you hook through and then screw into the wall).  I remember the line was more straight than my sagging one. Mine is just a ribbon cord I found on clearance at Hobby Lobby tied onto push pins.

Daycare Woes *edited- ha!*

So there's this teacher at Lovie's daycare, we'll refer to her as "Red". I'm not sure how long she's been there but I didn't start seeing her until just the past two months or so. To be blunt, I don't care for her. At all. And I'm doing my best not to let it get to me but there's just something about her that really rubs me the wrong way (and I'm generally a very good judge of character).

See, Red never ever ever greets me in the morning when Lovie and I arrive. She sits her happy pasty white ass in the chair at the only table in the room which I need to utilize to date Lovie's bottles and just ignores us. I understand not wanting to be all chatty first thing in the morning (630ish) since she's not Lovie's teacher but, um, if you're gonna sit there and be in my way, an acknowledgement (you know- nod your head, make eye contact, SOMETHING) would be nice. She never says boo to Lovie either. She just sits there and stuffs her face with a bagel and talks to the other teachers who are Lovie's teachers or a couple other kids who are generally there (older and able to communicate).

I could let all this go. I could and I have. Ignore me... fine. Ignore my kid... and my eye is on you but I can still let it go because I'm confident in Lovie's teachers.

But then there was a week several weeks ago when she was acting director. I wasn't seeing her in the morning, but I was seeing and hearing her in the afternoon when I'd pick up Lovie. And every single day, she'd be all, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Like I was Bryan Adams or something! And each day I tried my best to ignore her but I just don't roll like that- not when someone says Hi. I try to treat others as I would like to be treated so because I would like others to acknowledge my existence, when they do, I can't ignore them.

But I felt sick every time I'd say Hi back. And in my head, I was all, "Yeah you can say Hi now to me you little bitch because you've got super powers now that you're director wannabe."

UGH. It's so silly, I realize this.

Anyway, for the past couple weeks, I just drop any eye contact should my eyes meet hers. Plus Lovie hasn't been at daycare too much the past month because of all the damn diarrhea so I just haven't seen her much or felt the attitude from Red.

Well now we're back to daycare this week. Today is day 2. And today was day 2 of Red ignoring us. And I've about had it. Seriously. She fucking sits there and talks shit about the older kids running around like I'm not even there ("Oh look at Lily's hair.. it looks... nice." Nice meaning "Nice- for once."). She ignores me and Lovie. I'm just really beyond being in 8th grade, frankly. I hated it then, I hate it tenfold now.

I'm SO close to snapping on her little ass. I mean, I'm all snarky in my head but I just zip my mouth shut. Why? Because a) I don't want Lovie to be a mean bitch like I can be, b) I don't want Lovie's teachers treating her differently, c) I'm just not one to stir the pot... unless it's about to boil. Then, for some reason, I'm fucking good at stirring the pot (I've gotten people fired, for example. Gross, I know!).

So. Do I...

1. continue to let this shit boil inside of me
2. snap on Red the next time I see fit
3. say something to the director
4. who the fuck cares

What would you do?

EDIT (or would this be an update or amended?? I think this is actually AMENDED!):

*so I wrote this post quickly then ran to lunch and on my way back (from checking out the pizza joint for Lovie's party), I realized that I probably sound like an idiot. I'm ranting over some little teenie bopper (OK maybe she's all of 20- sorry!) ignoring me and Lovie when she's not even Lovie's teacher. Who's the tool now? Ugh. Can I blame this rant on my period? Because I did just get it last night and I'm a bit... raged because of it.

You take the good, you take the bad

So daycare (DC). Lovie goes to an independent center that’s actually a Preschool… they even having Kindergarten classrooms. This was an awesome plus when deciding to let Lovie attend the place because she wouldn’t be plopped in front of a tv (none there!) and all of the teachers are sure to have a higher education in early education so there are actual lesson plans- even in the infant room! Sure it’s more expensive than in-home care, but I sincerely feel that this is the best place for Lovie. She’s thrived and I really do attribute a lot of that to the care they provide. Plus, because we’re most likely on team One and Done, she gets the social interaction she most certainly wouldn’t get at home alone with me if we could afford me to stay home with her. (Please, please don’t tell me if we cut back on things and sacrifice here and there, I could be a SAHM. I can’t. Not now. I bring too much debt and a condo that can’t sell for what I owe into the big picture, so until things turn around with the economy, we both have to work full time.)

So for the most part, I really am grateful for Lovie’s DC. It’s been nearly five months now (next week- holy shit eh!) and I really like all of her teachers and even the babies in her room. But there’s one thing I don’t care for- and haven’t since nearly the beginning: Lovie naps like shit when she’s there.

See Lovie’s quite the observer and needs to be up in everyone’s business. It’s not that she has to be right there in the middle of whatever’s happening per say, but she does have to be able to at least see what’s going on. She’s always been like this- even from birth when she was pulled out of me… She wouldn’t scream for the doctors (I think her Agpar- or whatever it's called level- was like 5 or something because of this!!) because she was too busy looking around (true story!)! The doctors even had to zap her with this buzzer thing a couple times to get a cry out of her! I mean, what healthy baby doesn’t scream as soon as they’re set free from the warmth of the womb?!?

Anyway back to the lack of napping thing…I’m tired of picking her up from DC and her passing out as soon as we get in the car. I mean, yes, it’s great that she sleeps so easily in the car because the commute can be over an hour some days but it’s more than that. When we finally do get home, she still naps and naps and naps. Yesterday for example, she napped a total of ONE HOUR at school. She’s there for 9 hours! How is a one hour nap for a near 7 month old even acceptable?!

“She was feisty, today,” was the response I got regarding the one, 1-hour nap.

Grrr. I really try not to let it get to me but it’s just hard. I do understand it’s hard for them because she really does like to constantly be in the middle of everything but golly gee, maybe if her crib wasn’t RIGHT NEXT TO THE PLAY AREA, she might be able to close her eyes?!

I guess I just need to pull up my big girl panties and confront them once and for all and ask WHY her crib is first and if they can move it to the back of the room.

I mean I totally understand that she naps much better at home because there isn’t 11 other babies running, screaming, crying, playing, eating, shitting, whatever. I get that. But it’s not like it’s a library at home, either; we talk in our normal voices, we watch TV at a regular level, etc.

I just miss my baby doll so much during the work day and rush to pick her up to spend some time with her- but then when we get home all she does is nap (yesterday was the worst- napping from the time we hit the car until her bedtime, waking up once to have a bottle and going right back down!).. And, yes, I can be selfish and keep her awake (most days) but that’s really not good for her. She, like every baby, needs to get their rest.

This is all just one more reason why I don’t even think I’m going to do a trial two week run with a compressed work week my job is offering – because it’ll mean she get even LESS nap time in during the nine days I’d be working later.

Ughs. Anywaaaaaaaaay. It’s Friday. Tomorrow I have to get a root canal (which I’m actually looking forward to so hopefully I can go one day without a screaming headache by the end of it) and Sunday the husband has to go into work early which means it’s just me and my Lovie! Cannot wait!

"I really like your baby"

It's another emotional day today.

My sweet baby doll is 6 months old.

That's right, Lovie's 1/2 a year old and you best not mess with her! : )

That picture makes me literally laugh out loud every single time I see it. She's just too badass looking in it not to laugh.

Here's a few more from the big photo shoot.

I made the tutu myself and it was so simple and so unlike me. I'm not girly girl. I hate frilly shit. And big flowered headbands. And bows and crap. So I don't dress Lovie like that... normally.  But I knew I wanted to make a big effing deal about her Half Birthday so I ordered the 1/2 onsie and made a tutu. At least there's black in the tutu!

She's even wearing this outfit at school today (though I did bring a pair of shorts in case the tutu becomes too much), which is why I took these photos this past Sunday.

And as if I wasn't all verklempt about my itty bitty baby doll Lovie celebrating her HALF Birthday, as I was leaving her at daycare and held the door open for another mom and her two kids- a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy (I'm guessing on the ages)- the girl looks up at me and says, "I really like your baby" with the sweetest little smile.

I was so shocked and so incredibly touched! I said, "Thank you. I do too!" and left the school with tears leaving my eyes.

I hate Mondays

This morning was rough for me.

taken this morning as Lovie sat on my lap as we waited for school to open

I cried as I left Lovie. And now as I’m typing this, I’m getting all choked up again.

I just adore my girl.  She sincerely is the light of my life.  This is sincerely what “it” is all about.  She is life. She is everything. And tomorrow, she’ll be half a year old already!

Ack.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend, including this morning. I think that’s why the tears came, to be honest.

See, work has offered a new work schedule that I thought I would take complete advantage of: Basically you get every other Friday off. Currently my full time schedule is 37.5 hours a week. With this new schedule, I’d have to work 40 hours during the 5 day week and 35 hours during the 4 day week.

Totally doable, right?

Ummm, let’s dissect:

I drop off and pick up Lovie from daycare every day. My husband and I work in completely different directions so he can not take over any of that (not consistently at least). Right now I drop her off between 630-645 every morning and pick her up at 330. We’re home usually by 430-445. Her bedtime is 7. So I get a couple of hours with my Lovie, in addition to the car time (which I don’t really count since she normally sleeps and if she doesn’t, it’s not like we’re interacting much since we can’t see one another – though we do sing at times).

With this new proposal, drop off time would still be the same because the soonest her school opens is 630. So during the 40 hour/5 day week, I wouldn’t be picking her up till 4-415, thereby not getting home until 5-530 (traffic is REALLY BAD during rush hour); the 35 hour/4 day week, I wouldn’t be picking her up till 445ish, thereby not getting home till 6, on a good day.

Basically… do I give up any real time with her for 9 days and deal with a guarantee much more hectic and much more frustrating rush hour drive so that I can have 1 full day with her, in addition to the weekends?

I have a ton of people telling me YES! DO IT! But I have some that say NO! And this weekend, I’ve gone back and forth with YES! DO IT! And NO!

And I’m really thinking it’s going to be a NO! (Probably doesn’t help that I watched My Sister’s Keeper over the weekend!!)

Am I totally nuts? I’m possibly giving up on a chance to have 1 full day with Lovie every other week! What’s wrong with me?! I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me: I just can’t fathom spending any LESS time with Lovie on those 9 days. I can’t do it. Maybe when she’s 14 I’ll change my mind, but right now I need every moment I can get with her every day- not just every other week.

I dunno. Maybe I’ll try it out since that’s an option (to try it for two weeks). It’ll be my luck though that’ll it’ll be OK and I’ll sign up to do this and then after their “trial period” (end of year), the company will decided to stop offering it.

So if you’re a working mom, and assuming this was a do or don’t thing and there was no option to test it out, do you think you’d sign up for it?

Here we go again.

It's official. I'm in the midst of sickness number four since starting back to work and putting Lovie in daycare four months ago. So I should expect to feel like ass at least once a month then?  And this is in addition to  Aunt Flo visits, too. FUN!!

Grumble.

So yesterday they let us out of work early because the power went out and there was no a/c. That means I got to pick up my Lovie a couple hours early! HOORAH!! When I walked into her room, she was sitting in a high chair (my big girl) whining. HahaHehe. She was looking at one of the teachers and whining to her - that's why I found it funny. Because I know my girl and my girl was telling this teacher she was hungry.  And I want my baby doll to speak up if she wants something. ;)

I put my bag down and said, "Oh what's wrong, baby girl?" Her eyes left the focus on the teacher and her whole body shifted to the entrance of the room. Once she saw me her face lit up.

Angel's sing.

"Why are you whining?" I said as her arms and legs started to go all crazy with excitement and a big smile covered her face. "Are you hungry?"

Again her arms and legs were all crazy and her little pursed mouth was making Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm sounds.  Don't get me wrong. These Mmmm sounds aren't like Mmmmm Good and Tasty, but rather Mmmm!!!! Mmmmm!!!!  Does that make any sense? Probably not but it's not a satisfactory sound, but rather a OMGI'MSOHUNGRY sound. :D

The teacher told me they were about to feed her but it could wait if I wanted. I told her I would feed her. And I did. And she gobbled the carrots all up like a big, good girl.

All the while one little girl, much bigger than Lovie so I'd have to put her at or very near 1, was screaming. And I mean screaming. She wasn't crying as there were no tears, she was just plain unhappy. And she was in one of the jumperoo things.  Apparently, the teachers were ordered by this child's mother that the girl is to stay in the jumperoo or the high chair at all times.

WTF?!

I started to get upset when they told me this. I mean, here I am feeding my Lovie and then picking her up all while this poor child is screaming because she can't move any more than the stupid jumperoo would allow. All because the teachers are doing what they're told by the parent.

Apparently the girl has become quite mobile with her crawling and is thereby getting hurt a lot so to avoid the scratches and bumps and bruises, the parent has ordered that she stay in the jumperoo or high chair at all times whilst there.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I'm sorry. I know my baby doll is only (almost) 6 months old and isn't crawling yet (though she's getting super damn close which is freaking me), but I EXPECT that once she starts becoming more mobile that things will start happening.  Isn't that par for the friggin course?!?

I was really upset by this news. Not only do I have to listen to this poor child scream, but so do the teachers- only they have to listen to it ALL DAY LONG. All so the child doesn't CRAWL?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

The more she screamed the more my blood boiled and the faster I needed to leave before I started releasing that boil! Wow. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to hold my tongue today if the same thing happens when I pick up Lovie.

I'll probably be too wrapped up into the fact that my head feels like it's under water to focus on anything else.

Weepy

I don't know what it is this morning but it's taking everything in me not to cry right now... not like sad tears just... ack... I dunno. I'm just weepy right now (PMS?!??).

This morning when I dropped off Lovie, like every morning, she's all smiley and happy. She absolutely loves her morning teacher. This girl (23) is SO sweet and good with these kids. Maybe it's just a show but I think I have a good read on most people. And she adores Lovie and Lovie adores her.... so much so that her face lights up and when Charice, the teacher, says "Are you ready for school?" and her arms go up and to the side - her way of saying Pick Me Up/Hold me (cuz she doesn't quite know to lift them straight up like most kids do when they want up- if that makes sense).

ACK.

I'm happy Lovie likes them and they like her, but it just like hurts sometimes because *I* want to play with her and watch her learn and grow.

The other thing is that she's sitting now.

Like sitting!!

You put her in place and she sits there and gets so excited. She'll stay for SEVERAL MINUTES and when she's tired and flops over she goes onto her belly... and ... STARTS LIFTING HER BUTT INTO THE AIR WITH HER LEGS AND FEET.

I swear to god she's going to start scooching and crawling soon!!!

She's only 5.5 months old!!!

And, she STTN again last night, too...
and doesn't seem to care for peaches! (weirdo)
and I found her this morning in the complete opposite direction from where she was laid down last night...

My baby girl is getting sooooo big, soooo fast!


Yesterday during our drive home after work and school, I saw this (what I would call) Punk Girl, who looked to be about 15 tops, walking with this Punk Boy, about the same age.  They were walking down the street coming toward us (we were stopped at a red light). I watched as they walked and noticed how close they walked to one another, how both had big smiles on their faces, how no hands were touching or anything. I imagined it to be the start of a budding relationship... and then I thought, "My god, one day that will be Lovie!" which led me to wonder how parents let their kids... live... when they get older. How do they find the trust- not in their own child but in the rest of this sometimes fucked up world?!? How do they believe their child will be able to do good things and fight the bad? How do they let them out of their sight?!?!

Ha!

I just try to push those feelings and thoughts out of my head and try to just focus on the now.  Because right now, my baby doll is growing so fast and I just want to savor every.single.fucking.precious.moment I have right now with her.

Today, tomorrow, yesterday, next month.

Because before I know it, she's going to be walking down the street next to a boy.

empty

I miss her so much this morning.

I think it has something to do with the fact that she only napped like an hour and a half all day yesterday while at daycare. I knew she was ass tired so I let her sleep (obviously) in the car during the ride home yesterday, as well as when we got home. I didn't try taking her out of the car seat or anything either because I knew she needed to sleep.

She proved me right by not waking until almost 6.

Her bedtime is at 7.

I pick her up at 330 everyday and by the time we get home (city traffic can blow chunks), it's usually around 445.

In plainer terms, she slept from 330-6 yesterday. Then she woke and I gave her a bottle after trying to give her carrots first (she just cried- she was starving and couldn't wait for the carrots). Daddy came home and snuggled her for a bit. Then he gave her the rest of the carrots (she's such a good eater!), then a bath, then I read a couple stories, and then she went to bed.

I hate days like yesterday. I hate getting an hour with the love of my life. I want more time with her. I miss her so stinkin' much.

And now I'm at work and she's at daycare and they get to see her smiles and hear her giggles and all I get is an empty car seat in the back of my car.

Until 330.

Gosh, I hope she takes a longer nap(s) there today.

...7.5 more hours peanut butter (dear god please make it go by fast!)

my heart sank

It's been well over two months now that I've been back to work and, more importantly, Lovie's been in daycare and we've been apart during the day.  It still hurts like hell to drop her off every day but I've definitely gotten more used to it.  Until today.

Today marks the second day I've carried Lovie into daycare sans the car seat.  She's 15 pounds (ish) on top of how many pounds the car seat is and it's just too much work... particularly when I have to pick her up and work my way around ten snot-nosed faces looking up at me to see if I'm their momma, their rescue to get back out the door.

But then I had to run to the grocery store during my lunch break earlier for snacks/lunches for the week, and when I got back to my car with the bags, my heart sank. My eyes drifted, naturally, to the back seat to where Lovie sits every time we get in the car.  And instead of the car seat base, there sat an empty car seat with her red hand-knitted blanket (by me!) and hippo toy but no Lovie.

God I miss her so. I just... uck. I just can't wait to get out of here so that I can pick her up and hold her.

(Unrelated: I know the girls at her daycare must think I'm nuts. I've been there plenty of times holding Lovie, kissing on her, when another parent comes and goes. I'm sure they're probably like, "Why not take the kid and go already?" and I would love to but it sucks hair pimply balls because when I leave with Lovie, it's to put her in the back seat of the car where I can't see her - and that goes on for almost an hour before we get home! And then she's usually asleep - so those moments I get with Lovie when I pick her up from daycare are so precious to me. Like gold!!)

...45 minutes love bug!!

(don't forget to vote if you haven't done so already - and thanks!)


Hi, if you're visiting from the D-listed Mom Blogs for the first time! Been trying to get a badge to work here but can't for whatever reason...

daddy makes me... poop

I'm not sure what the dealio is, but whenever I pick up Love from daycare and notice a plastic grocery store bag hanging from her coat hook (where I grab her bag and car seat before going into her room), I get a little pissed off. It means that they changed her clothes.

Why does it piss me off that they're taking care of my baby girl?  Stupid, right?  But I never have to change Lovie when she's home with us. Ever. Yet I can't even say how many times they've had to change her clothes and it's usually because of blowouts which makes no sense to me because she never has blowouts at home. So for a hot second, when I see that plastic bag hanging there on the hook, I get (stupidly) pissed.

Such was the case yesterday when I picked her up... I dropped her off looking cute as ever in a Daddy Makes Me Smile onsie (pink, yet still cute) and jeans (I think the jeans made the outfit cute, offsetting the pink of the onsie) but when I picked her up she was wearing a pink shirt with a panda on it and pink and white striped footed pants with panda on the feet.  (I leave all the pink shit at daycare cuz I rarely dress her in pink and when/if I do, it's never a completely pink outfit like the panda one!)

When I made a comment about her change of clothes, one of the teachers said that she pooped up her back.  (This makes no sense to me. She never does this at home and we don't change her diaper every 2 hours the way they have to. I'm guessing they need some lessons on closing the damn diapers properly.)

"So I guess Daddy makes her have blowouts, then?" I commented with a chuckle. (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes!)

None of the teachers seemed to get what I was saying so I quickly added, "That's the second time she's worn that onsie - Daddy Makes Me Smile - and each time she had a blowout and you've had to change her."

They all laughed. 

I don't know if they got it or not, but whatever. I thought it was funny, damnit.

(don't forget to vote if you haven't already)

Post-free Weekends

Funny how I claim not to post on the weekends because I'm all up in Lovie's buisness and then, lo and behold, this is like week three with a post. But, again, it's because she's napping.

And I'm certain she's still napping (three hours now) because she's catching up on her lack of napping that gets done at daycare; because while there's classical music playing in the background pretty loudly, it's still pretty quiet here and she's able to sleep instead of catnap and be woken up by a screaming kid or a flying toy (or both, eh).

Happy early Mother's Day everyone... including those not officially moms. You know - like aunts, sisters, cousins, even some dads. I know it used to steam me every Mother's Day that passed and I would never get wished a HMD even though I always loved my nephews and nieces as if they were my own.  I don't believe there's an Aunt's Day or anything.

So Happy early Mother's Day to anyone and everyone out there who loves, nurtures, cares for another in a motherly way.

My perfect afternoon

I rushed out of here (work) as soon as I was allowed (315PM) and quickly made my way to Lovie's day care. It was beautiful out -sunny skies, cool breeze.

I made my way into the center and immediately noticed that it didn't reek of poop. Yahoo! When I made my way into Lovie's room (it's a huge center with classrooms for every age group including a Kindergarten - and though I call it a day care, it's actually a preschool as every teacher is degreed in education), I immediately saw her sitting in a Bumbo nearby the entrance. She was facing the door so when I said, "Hiiiiii" in my momma-loves-you-more-than-anything-and-everything voice, her eyes darted to me and her face immediately lit up like she had just won the lottery even though it was me who feels this way anytime I'm with her.

I scooped her up into my arms and smothered her with kisses and she rewarded me with some chunky spitup. One of the teachers gave me a light blue tissue wrapped something. I figured it had something to do with Mother's Day. They gave me her "report card" (states when she ate, how much she ate, when and how long she napped, when her diaper was changed and if she pee'd or pooped, if she needs clothes or diapers or wipes, etc) and told me she guzzled her bottles down at each feeding. I also noted she napped a good amount which made me happy because it meant she might stay up with me until bedtime!

While the car ride home wasn't her best (she's normally pretty quiet but wasn't too happy for some reason), she eventually passed out and we made it home and up the stairs as she continued to nap. I quickly logged the times and quantity she ate and threw her last bottle into some hot water as I knew she'd be hungry. After changing my clothes, I got her out of the car seat and into my arms where she stretched and molded herself into me (god I love that feeling). We talked for a minute, I gave her a ridiculous amount of kisses, and then I fed her the bottle which she guzzled.

We chatted for a bit and practiced standing (she just loves to stand and sit straight) before I let her chill out in the bouncy chair (she used to hate sitting in this until recently) while I opened the tissue wrapped gift from earlier.

How absolutely ridiculously sweet is that? The stems of the flowers is a cutout of her hand imprint. And the pot says I am like a flower that's raised with love by you. You help me grow up big and strong. Mom, thanks for all you do.

So darn sweet. :)

We played and talked and sang and giggled the next hour and half. (Lovie's getting very close to sitting on her own; I think we both can taste it.)

At 630, we made our way into the kitchen where I sat Lovie down in the Bumbo and made some rice cereal and another bottle. She ate up all of her cereal and cried again when I didn't put more into her mouth (there was no more but I think that after 3 days of tasting it and liking it and crying when there is no more proves I can start making and giving a bit more). I scooped her up and assured her that she was getting a bottle, too. We made our way to the couch where we relaxed while she drank up her bottle. (And again, although it was only an hour and 45 minutes since her last feeding, she drank it all up!)

I changed her diaper, put her in some pj's, read a book, sang "Momma loves you" (a song I made up to the tune of some Christmas song) to her as I rocked her for just a minute before laying her down in the crib, popped in her binky, danced with the Seahorse, turned on the noise machine, placed my hand on her belly as I bent over and into the crib to kiss on my baby doll, and said Good-night.

I left her room to wash the bottles and prep them for today which was when the hubs finally got home. He went in to kiss his baby girl and said she was just about asleep.

After bottle duty, I farted around with some pictures on the computer, ate dinner, and went to bed only waking twice to pop a binky in Lovie's mouth (third night in a row - shhhhh - she's slept through the night without any feedings!).

And I get to do it all over again today! Cannot wait until 315!