TILTW: 6.15-6.21

*

Near 80-year-old people who aren't computer literate, should NOT have a Facebook account. I could strangle the cousin who signed my father up for a Facebook account. Not because he has access to my personal life or anything, but because he just doesn't comprehend that every fucking update or photo posted by one of his "friends" is not directed at him personally. Holy mother of all there is I just don't know how to explain this to him. I wouldn't really be bothered by this accept for the fact that I am the person he calls to complain/whine/interrogate.

**

I absolutely love my mornings with Lovie. I can remember a time not so long ago when I felt that every morning was a shitshow, that she was always such a pill because I had to wake her and who wants to be woken up when it's still dark out? But then I read somewhere that it's good for kids to wake up slowly. It's good to hold them and softly talk with them... or just hold them and rub their back. Basically just give them some intimate one on one time for just a few minutes before getting dressed and starting the mad rush of the day. I remember thinking that I didn't have time for this, that waking at 4:45 in the morning was the absolute earliest I could do. And I still get up then, but I also still cuddle with Lovie every single morning. I scoop her into my arms and we sit on the cheap IKEA Poang chair in her room and she burrows into me like she did when she was a newborn. Only now, of course, it's like holding onto 20 of newborn Lovie's. I rub her back and we talk. The cats come in and we laugh at them when they fight. We talk about whatever and then we try to "beat the clock" and get dressed as quickly as we can before heading into bed with Daddy to watch a few minutes of TV while I get dressed-- minutes before heading out the door. As long as we have those few minutes every morning, getting out the door is a breeze. And I just love that one on one time...When she looks me right in the eye with no TV, no Daddy, no toys. It's good for both of us to get moving in the morning.

***

I really really really really like the McDonald's egg white delight breakfast.

****

I booked a flight out to visit my cousin (whom I threw the virtual baby shower for) and her 9-day (today) old baby girl. I haven't been this excited about holding a baby since Lovie was born. I've always liked babies, but I never was too keen on holding them for too long before. Sure there's some nom-licious looking babies out there, but for the first time since Lovie was born, all I can do is think of holding and nomming on this baby girl. And I'll be able to do so in just two weeks.

well what do you know?!?

I go and give up on something because it was kind of making me feel like shit, and my "popularity" grows.

Thanks Renee.

radiohead's creep was/is about me.

I was a loser in high school. A loner. A lost loner perhaps? I went to four different high schools in three years (mom was busy evading collection calls) and pretty much gave up on making friends a couple weeks into the last school I attended my junior year.

I remember buying a new pair of shoes that I would wear to that last school. My "school shoes." I couldn't tell you what they looked like today- even if they were sneakers or what- but I just know I bought new shoes specifically for that school year. And I remember wearing them to school those first couple of weeks and realizing that I was never so alone in all my life.

OK so I was only 16, but do you remember how you knew it all at 16? Like you'd lived all these years?

Everyone at that school looked the same. They all wore the same fucking ugly brown loafer shoes.

They all looked so pristine. Not a hair out of place. Makeup. Jewelry. Expensive looking handbags and backpacks. There I was with my new shoes. I'm pretty sure I bought them from Payless. Have you ever bought shoes from Payless? Have you worn them? How about when you were in high school?

Everyone at that last school knew each other and it was quite clear that I was an outsider. If they couldn't tell by my appearance--flannels, concert shirts, ripped jeans (it was the late 80s and I was all rebel-like), men's shoes (because I couldn't afford the Dr. Martens I wanted so badly),

image from etsy.com, heart bokeh from picmonkey.com

men's sport coat from a thrift store (I like to think I was Hipster before Hipsters were a thing because man oh man I'm not a fan of today's Hipsters)--they could tell by my lack of matching shoes or giggly friends by my side.

People stared at me and if ever eye contact was made, a sneer was tossed my way.

image via darkhorizons.com

I quickly learned to walk with my eyes avoiding all others.

I tried at first, I really did. I went with an open mind, hoping and praying that this school would be different. That because I was starting in the beginning of the year opposed to middle of the year, it would be easier. I never even considered the fact that the school was in a much smaller location than I'd ever lived- 50 miles away from the last one. I never even considered that everyone would know everyone else and not even be open to saying a fucking Hello to someone new.

Stupid, stupid me.

All that said and done, that fourth school helped shape me into who I am today: fiercely independent and generally not really giving a shit about what others say or think of me. So for that I can say thank you to all the motherfucking assholes and pristine bitches from my junior and senior years of high school.

Thing is, lately whenever I'm on Twitter, I start to feel like I did back in high school... like an outcast, a loser, a loner. Those icky feelings are creeping back in again and I don't like it. Not one bit.

Fortunately now, I don't have to go to school anymore; I can drop out without it being frowned upon.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm dropping out of Twitter High School.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

damn love/hate feelings messing with me

Although I’m pretty submerged in social media like blogging, message boards, Facebook, Twitter, it still scares the shit out of me most days. On one hand I love it all, but on the other hand I hate it. Especially Twitter and Facebook. I just hate feeling like the freaking outcast I was back in high school.

 

I admit that being immediately up-to-date about pretty much anything anywhere is pretty awesome. But I just don't dig the cliques. Still, I haven't given it up. Instead, I just do what I did back in high school—I withdraw. And then I get pissed at myself because I lived so much of my life on the sidelines and I just can’t do it anymore. So I don’t withdraw completely like I did back then; instead, I take a step back when things become too annoying for me and then jump back in when I'm ready. (I guess that's me just being a Big Girl.)

I concede that feeling like an outcast is of my own doing. I’m just not an outgoing person and I tend to back off when things get too intense. I’m just not passionate enough about my own ideas and beliefs, I guess. Unless it’s about my Lovie, of course.

The funny thing is that without social media, I’d never have met my husband who answered a personal ad I placed on Yahoo Personals in 2000. (Thank God for the Internet may or may not have been the theme to our wedding. No, I'm kidding; we're not that dorky.)

Seriously, there are a ton of great things about social media. I can't dispute that. I mean, through years and years of blogging and trolling posting on message boards, I’ve made some fantastic real life friends. Hell, without social media, I wouldn’t really have a social life at all.

So what’s my hang-up then?

It scares me.

 

There’s so much info out there available in a millisecond. I’m terrified for my child’s future. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be alive today had Facebook been available back in the late 80s when I went to high school. I’m pretty damn certain of it, actually. After all, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" is completely non-existent today thanks to social media.

But as much as this frustrates me at times, I can’t log off, I can't delete my accounts.

 

I’ve backed down on participating with a lot of it, yes, but I can’t give it up completely. Because the truth of the matter is that without it, I’d be so lonely: I wouldn’t have met my husband who gave me my incredible Lovie; I wouldn’t have made some of the best friends a girl could have; I wouldn’t be able to find out that my nephew who’s struggled most of his life because of shitty parenting just got a new position as Assistant Manager; I wouldn’t be able to know that my best friend in the whole world is going through some horrifically scary times during her early pregnancy.

 

I do think the good outweighs the bad when it comes to social media, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be leery of it all and worry for my child’s future.

Fortunately, that guy I met and married through an online personal ad? He's a computer guru who will be able to keep tabs on Lovie’s online interactions so hopefully that will ease my worry a bit when she’s 30 and able to finally date and use the interwebz.