one year

A year ago today, I started back to work from maternity leave. (I started this blog a couple days later.) I dropped my sweet baby girl off at her first full day at daycare and bawled the entire drive into work. The ugly cry, too. The one that you can’t stop no matter how hard you try. The one that produces tears and snot galore. The one that leaves you wanting to vomit.


When I got in to work, I sent out an email to my immediate coworkers asking that any communication be done via email as I was having a really hard time being back and wanted to avoid eye contact and talking. And then I hung up this picture on my cubicle wall:

It’s still hanging there, too. Along with dozens of other pictures of my lovebug from the past year.


Lots has changed since then- especially with Lovie. Of course. She’s grown so much and brings so many smiles to my face. It’s truly incredible. She’s truly incredible. And I’m so disgustingly blessed to have her.

Another significant change is that the bitterness (from having to be a working mom) that overwhelmed me a year ago has subsided a lot. Instead, I focus on Lovie and on my time with her. I get down on the floor and play with her every chance I can (at least once a day!) and watch as her face lights up as I do so. We play hard and laugh harder. We cuddle all the time and I constantly smother her with hugs and kisses. Nothing else matters when we’re together. The messy house, the emails, the telephone calls, the television shows… none of that matters when Lovie and I are both awake and together.

Thing is… I’m gonna be hella screwed in 12, 13 years when Lovie wants nothing to do with me! I just pray the upcoming years don’t fly by as fast as this past one has…

I hate today.

It's a shame, really. Over the weekend I was thinking about this blog and how I was thinking that the tone might finally turn around and be something more than just ugly bitterness. I thought that maybe my tone when I first started was a result of PMS and the onset of a horrible cold.

But then this morning happened and now I realize that my ugly bitterness isn't a result of PMS or not feeling well... it's a result of being a working mom who wants nothing more than to be at home with her Lovie!!

Last night was night #3 without Lovie being swaddled for the night and once again, it was a little more difficult than when she was swaddled. But that's not what I'm complaining about, actually. I mean yes, I'm ass fucking tired as a result of her waking at 2AM and not falling back asleep for a good hour or more (though she was content and not complaining but I'm a light sleeper so if she's awake, I am) and then waking again at 430 for the day (alarm is set for 5). But you add that tiredness to what happened when I dropped her off at daycare, and the start of today has turned me into that ugly bitter bitch again.

Lovie, who sleeps in the car on the way to daycare and generally remains sleeping until after I leave daycare to come to work, woke up before I left daycare. And Her Momma, who loves to snuggle with and smooch on her Lovie whenever she can, scooped Lovie up into her arms to say goodbye. Then Her Momma (me!!) gave Lovie to her teacher and as I stood in the doorway putting my shoes on, watched as the teacher, talking very sweetly to Lovie, laid her down onto a play mat and started playing with her... and Lovie, who is THE cutest child in the world (period!), smiled and cooed.

And I looked on and felt the tears rush to my eyes. So I left and came here to work.

I really hate today.

I know it sucks a little more today because it's Monday and because I just had two fun-filled days with my Lovie, but it sucks so much nonetheless.

Hate hate hate today.

Bitter Bitch

I'm really hating the moms I know who get to stay at home with their babies everyday.

One hour and fifteen minutes Lovie...