February 12, 2013

radiohead's creep was/is about me.

I was a loser in high school. A loner. A lost loner perhaps? I went to four different high schools in three years (mom was busy evading collection calls) and pretty much gave up on making friends a couple weeks into the last school I attended my junior year.

I remember buying a new pair of shoes that I would wear to that last school. My "school shoes." I couldn't tell you what they looked like today- even if they were sneakers or what- but I just know I bought new shoes specifically for that school year. And I remember wearing them to school those first couple of weeks and realizing that I was never so alone in all my life.

OK so I was only 16, but do you remember how you knew it all at 16? Like you'd lived all these years?

Everyone at that school looked the same. They all wore the same fucking ugly brown loafer shoes.

They all looked so pristine. Not a hair out of place. Makeup. Jewelry. Expensive looking handbags and backpacks. There I was with my new shoes. I'm pretty sure I bought them from Payless. Have you ever bought shoes from Payless? Have you worn them? How about when you were in high school?

Everyone at that last school knew each other and it was quite clear that I was an outsider. If they couldn't tell by my appearance--flannels, concert shirts, ripped jeans (it was the late 80s and I was all rebel-like), men's shoes (because I couldn't afford the Dr. Martens I wanted so badly),

image from etsy.com, heart bokeh from picmonkey.com

men's sport coat from a thrift store (I like to think I was Hipster before Hipsters were a thing because man oh man I'm not a fan of today's Hipsters)--they could tell by my lack of matching shoes or giggly friends by my side.

People stared at me and if ever eye contact was made, a sneer was tossed my way.

image via darkhorizons.com

I quickly learned to walk with my eyes avoiding all others.

I tried at first, I really did. I went with an open mind, hoping and praying that this school would be different. That because I was starting in the beginning of the year opposed to middle of the year, it would be easier. I never even considered the fact that the school was in a much smaller location than I'd ever lived- 50 miles away from the last one. I never even considered that everyone would know everyone else and not even be open to saying a fucking Hello to someone new.

Stupid, stupid me.

All that said and done, that fourth school helped shape me into who I am today: fiercely independent and generally not really giving a shit about what others say or think of me. So for that I can say thank you to all the motherfucking assholes and pristine bitches from my junior and senior years of high school.

Thing is, lately whenever I'm on Twitter, I start to feel like I did back in high school... like an outcast, a loser, a loner. Those icky feelings are creeping back in again and I don't like it. Not one bit.

Fortunately now, I don't have to go to school anymore; I can drop out without it being frowned upon.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm dropping out of Twitter High School.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Didn't have my glasses on...had to delete due to typos!

    I loved when you favorited one of my tweets (being a newbie and all). I know what you mean about how homogenized all these kids were/are. It wasn't so bad for me going to Catholic HS because they forced us to look and act the same (another type of problem, I'll add). But high school in Hinsdale where my kids went is every bit as you describe. One was just ok and the other hated it and both couldn't wait for their "real" lives at college to start. It was brutally hard to see as a parent as well. I get this.

    Now if you said you were dropping out of your blog, I'd freak!!!

    1. :) thanks for stopping by, Gina. :) i'm actually keeping the Twitter connected to the blog and my blog's facebook page so you may see tweets but i'm just kind of over it. :/

  3. We were definitely long lost high school sisters. Chucks and thrift store men's suits were my uniform until I got a pair of docs and shed some puppy fat.

    I experienced a brief period of cool in the 90's but have been under no illusions since then that I am the same maladjusted dork I was back at school.


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