June 23, 2011

in search of... something?

I'm getting quite... concerned... worried... that my happiness comes from my Lovie.

I've waited such a long time to have her and I knew I wanted her more than anything in the world and now that she's here I really couldn't be happier... but... I only feel this way when I'm with her or when I think of her.

I must sound completely loony.

I don't have any other passions in life. Not even for my marriage or my family and friends. It's like I don't give a shit about anyone or anything other than Lovie.

How can this be healthy?

I think "not giving a shit" is too big because truth be told I care a lot... but it's once I hear about or see something. I don't care enough to ask though.

I'm absolutely gone, aren't I? Wrap me in white and toss me in a corner.

I enjoy other things outside of Lovie. Like eating. I love to eat food. The badder the better. I enjoy a good book. I still love me some Bryan Adams. I love taking pics with my unprofessional, under $300 camera and I love looking at these pictures and editing them- particularly when they involve... you guessed it... my Lovie.

But that's really it.

I love being her mom. I love being a mom, but I love being her mom so stinkin much.

I could be having the shittiest day of my life with the worst attitude enveloping me and she can look at me and holy shit do I just melt right there in a big fat puddle of mush.

And I know all of that is natural (right?!??!????), but I'm sincerely worried about what happens when Lovie gets older and wants to do things that don't involve me. I'm terrified that everything else in life (my marriage, my family and friends) won't be around anymore for me to bother with. And while I feel this way, I have no real desire to rectify any of this right now.

I do not want to reach out to do things without my Lovie. I don't want to be away from her more than I am now, at work, 5 days a week.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about or what's up my ass these days. Maybe that's my point?!?


  1. It's perfectly fine and right and normal to feel that way about your child. However, I do think that you should feel SOMETHING more than a "shit" :) about other things. Especially your marriage. Your friends. Because you can't be the best mommy to Lovie if you aren't living your life too.

  2. It's got to be good that you are thinking about this. I agree that there is no way to love your kids too much - she is perfect and adorable! But putting all your eggs in one basket is maybe not such a good idea. I think that having something of your own serves two purposes:
    1. It sets a good example for Lovie to see her mom doing something passionately. You're showing her how to live, right?
    2. You're right, one day she will go on her own. Having your own thing will make that time easier for you and for Lovie. The tighter you hold on the more she will pull away (at least that's what I did with my mom).

    As far as I can tell, you're good at lots of things: you're a funny writer and tell great stories. You love your kid like the dickens. There was a list you made in there too. Now that your mind is working on it something will bubble to the surface as your thing.

  3. Happiness is happiness so however you can get it is great. But I do think you want to try to be happy about other things in your life. Whatever it is, I think everyone needs passions and interests to keep them sane.

  4. I totally relate to this. My son Jackson is my entire life. I rarely go out without him. I rarely see my friends anymore (except guy friends, who come over to hang w/my husband too). And guess what? I'm usually OK with this. I figure, he's only a kid for a short time, so I want to be there & soak that up as much as I can. I'm starting to feel pangs of wanting to find something other than being a mom to spend some time on, but I have no idea what that would be. All of the things I'm passionate about are related to being a mom (breastfeeding, PPD awareness, etc). It will come, though, when I'm ready for it. Be patient with yourself. Soak up Lovie's childhood, like you're doing. :)


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