I’m pretty sure that’s all normal, but … I really don’t like it.
I don’t like feeling off when Lovie is off. She’s 1, she has reasons to lose her cool because she can’t fully communicate yet and I suspect that’s when she throws a fit. And regardless that I know this, that I acknowledge this, I can’t seem to focus on it at the time but rather start to fume inside instead. :(
When she throws her food, I get pissed and want to throw it back, though I don’t; when she stomps her feet and wails, I get pissed and want to mimic her, but I don’t.
And while I don’t do what I feel at the time and while I really do my darndest to remain calm and collected on the outside, I want to feel that way on the inside, too, because I’m TERRIFIED of losing it one day and letting what’s brewing on the inside out.
I’m TERRIFIED of scaring the shit out of my little girl.
I would never ever physically hurt her and don’t even think that might happen, but I do think that I could yell or react in a way that would negatively impact her and while I know we’re all human and shit happens sometimes, I just have no desire for that kind of shit to happen to Lovie as a result of something I did.
I want her to know and trust that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her to turn to in good times and bad.
I want her to know and trust that she can count on Mommy no matter what.
I want her to know and trust that Mommy is and always be her rock she can lean on if needed.
I want her to have the kind of Mommy I never had but always wanted… the ones the Hallmark cards are made for.
Saying these things out loud will only do so much...Actions speak louder than words.
You're right- words only go so far. But, because you KNOW what sort of mom you want to be, you are so much closer to following through!
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing a fantastic job darlin.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that those are completely normal feelings and while we can't act on them, it is very healthy to have some way to let those feelings out especially on rough days.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a wonderful job, your daughter will always see your unconditional love.
You're doing a wonderful job as her mommy! The feelings and fears you have are completely normal, we all have the same ones. Since you know the kind of mom you want (and don't want) to be, I think that's a huge step in the right direction!
ReplyDelete