Mother’s Day is next weekend. Already.

Last year, I knew exactly what I wanted for my very first (official) Mother’s Day. I wanted to spend the day with my Lovie, I wanted to take our moms and my grams (only grandparent still alive for both the H and I) out for brunch, and I wanted a camera bag so I could carry along my camera when I went to work or we went out.

DH made all of that happen. It turned out to be a very lovely day, actually. Sadly, I think I’ve used the camera bag three times in the last year. It’s just too much to lug around along with my bag for work and Lovie’s bag for school. Now I just take pics with the cellphone if we’re out. Whatever. I’m not gonna win any awards with my pictures but that’s not my goal in life, really, nor is it why I wanted the bag to begin with… I just want to document Lovie’s days the best I can and if that’s with a crappy cellphone, such is life sometimes.

I digress.

This year, I’m not sure what I want outside of spending the day with Lovie and DH. I almost don’t even want to do the brunch thing again this year because I would like to just be the three of us… but how incredibly selfish is that of me?! And besides, they are our mothers (and grams)!!

I dunno... I'm just in such a weird place lately.

I think it’s because the weather is getting warmer and, with that, comes less clothes and lots more disgusting sweat (lord do I hate sweating!) and, with that, comes the reminder that I’m so incredibly fat.

What I really want for Mother’s Day, my birthday, etc is for someone to wave a magic wand and for the fat to melt off my body. I’m not asking to be down to a size 4 or something… a 14 will suffice (and I realize that a 14 to a lot of folks is fat but whatever; it’s a fat I’d love to be rather than the fat I actually am).

Ugh. I try so hard not to whine about being so fat because it really is all of my doing. It’s not like I’ve got some medical condition that makes me eat cheeseburgers and fries and ice cream whenever I want; I just have no farking control sometimes. I know what I should be eating, what I should be doing… but I just can’t seem to eat/do it. (And no worries to the fat haters out there: Lovie eats very healthy and doesn’t see me consume the shit food I consume at times since that’s generally done whilst “working”.)

Blargh.

Maybe I’ll ask for a trip to the salon to get a pedicure (haven’t had one in a year or so) and/or to get my hair did (haven’t had a cut or color or anything done to my hair since August 2009)… maybe a little change in my appearance will spark something in me to make the rest of me do the hard work to change what’s really needing to be changed. This isn’t about me anymore, after all.

from May 2010

What do you want for Mother’s Day??