April 19, 2011

During the workweek

It kills me that I can't feed my baby when she cries at 4am during the workweek.

It hurts my heart that she cries as I shower.

It makes me want to cry when I hand her off to her sleeping daddy so that he can give her a bottle as I continue to get ready for work.

But, what hurts the most is when she starts crying (after having stopped once I pick her up) because I leave the room... She just wants her momma to hold her. She just wants her momma to look down at her lovingly. She just wants her momma to kiss her head and tell her she's so incredibly beautiful. She just wants to snuggle into her momma's bosom. She just wants to feel loved by her momma.

And yet I have to walk out of the room during the workweek, and while she'll get over it and adapt, it still fucking sucks ass!

But regardless how it hurts, regardless how it sucks ass, I have to grin and bear it.

I have to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and allow her daddy to spend some alone time with her... and I have to be grateful for the life I do have. For the fact that I at least have my Lovie... for the fact that she does need me and want me... for the fact that I have her daddy in my life who can lend a hand if needed... for the fact that we live where we live, eat what we eat, do what what we do comfortably... for the fact that she won't know what it's like to buy with food stamps... for the fact that she won't know what it's like to have to boil water to take a bath because the gas bill wasn't paid.... for the fact that she's able to go to school every day and play and socialize and create art projects... for the fact that she knows how to socialize, thanks to preschool, at 15.5 months way better than her momma can at nearly 38.5 years.

3 comments:

  1. I can so empathize! We are experiencing elements of this in our house. I have the same internal dialogue too - being so grateful for what we have, knowing I'm doing the right thing, but still resenting how freaking painful it can be to leave her.
    XO,
    peeper

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  2. You've been awarded! http://feliz4life.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-first-award.html

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  3. I've been reading your blog for sometime. One comment really struck me in this piece, "I have her daddy in my life who can lend a hand if needed." How about letting go a little bit and letting him parent along with you - and stop talking about him like he's there to just make your love affair with your daughter easier.

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