on turning three

December 29, 2012- 7:30 AM(ish):

she insisted on the bandage on her forehead, nothing is wrong.

After waking up to a room full of balloons, Lovie made her way into the living room where she was greeted by an unwrapped keyboard set up for her and one wrapped gift (new baby doll) on top. After playing the keyboard for a while, she wanted to watch TV. I was planning on making her favorite breakfast- pancakes- but she insisted I just sit and watch TV with her. Could she be any damn sweeter?

We left the house around 11:30 AM and drove slowly out to the burbs where her party was going to be held. I had to stop at Costco for the cake and water bottles and Taye and I ate Arby's in the car all while Lovie napped. I knew getting a brand new 3 year old in the car for a couple of hours was the only way she'd nap.

The party started at 2:30 and ended at 4:30.



this is my favorite collage- love some of the parents climbing OUT of the inflatables. :)



Such a fun, fun day.

 

Big shout out to PUMP IT UP for an amazing, amazing space and set up. We went from one jump house room to another before going into the party room to have cake and open presents. We were the only guests in each room during our time period and they brought in cake, etc, and set up all the presents, cut the cake, piled all the presents and belongings onto a cart, cleaned everything up... I mean, I just cannot say enough good things about this experience and I have a feeling we'll be jumping back over there in a year for her 4th birthday party.

 

New Year's Eve, 2012

The year is twenty-twelve...for another 14 hours or so, at least.

I never in my life dreamed of a day when I would be writing or thinking about the year 2012. That number is just so beyond cray cray to me. At least it was back when I was a little shit of a kid.

Yet here we are embarking on another year: 2013.

Mind blowing to me.

Seriously though, how lucky are we to be here today?!

Despite some horrible things happening to us, around us... we're still very lucky to be here today.

Some days can be so hard and trying and tiring but at the end of the day, it's so worth it. Because you had that day and, if you continue to be lucky, you'll have tomorrow, too.

I just feel so immensely blessed.

Every single day I feel so blessed.

It wasn't always like this- oh hell no it wasn't. I've spent most of my life enveloped in so much misery. But then when Lovie came into my life... it just all clicked for me. Everything in my life started making sense. Like really making sense.

When she was born, every single day was magic to me.

And it still is today.

I've spent some time this past year feeling guilty about my gratitude...like maybe I was just sugarcoating life for the sake of this blog (or Facebook or Twitter or our living room walls). But then I realized that that's just everyone else's possible perception and I'm not here to change that. Think what you want to think. Believe what you want to believe.

And if you're lucky enough, like me, you'll think and believe that life is absolutely amazing.



Amazing.

Happy and Healthy New Year!

***************************

Here's what stands out for me this past year (of course every single one of my posts stand out for me but yeah, these are some of my favorites me thinks):

The invasion of all things pink via
All That Matters
Pink Pink Pink and
Once Upon a Time Story

 

Plenty of Mom Sap oozed all about via

Dream Big

Soaking in Every Bit of It

Will She? and

Immeasurable*

 

Polly Perfect was all up in here via

Be Grateful and

Another Day

 

A Monster lurks within via

Not a Robot so a Bitch?

PMS: Day in the Life

RAGE

Sunshine

Normal

 

Shiz that tickled my funny bone via

Could Be Making Millions**

This is Why I Should've Used the Self Check-out and

Boating

Cray Cray

 

 

*really, really a favorite of mine

**really, really a favorite of mine particularly for the my artistic skillz

 

 

Happy and Healthy 2013!

three years ago at 1:20 in the morning

(taken from my journal written 12/30/2009)

12/29/09:
-shortly after midnight the decision for a c-section had been made and I was to "relax" until the anesthesiologist was ready to hook me up. I was absolutely miserable - very warm and very anxious. The more time they let me sit there and wait, the more I started to worry that something would go wrong. At this point it had been 16 hours since I could last feel my legs or anything and now they were about to make it so I couldn't feel my stomach either. I was drop dead tired and pissed off, to be frank. I feared that I would miss the birth of my baby because the whole thing had taken so long!

-about 12:30am, they finally wheel me away into the sterile surgery room and hook me up like Jesus onto a flat table. Drugs were being IV'd into me and soon I went from sweating to shivering.
For some reason I thought the surgery wouldn't take too long but it did and I tried so hard to stay awake. I was so tired though - and scared. DH sat by my side the whole time trying to make me smile. Finally after a near hour or so of laying there (or so it seemed in my head) with a big sheet hovering over me, people started to move about, peaking over the curtain and telling me that I'll feel some pressure but no pain, etc. Different voices saying different things. Pressure on one side and another. "It's going to feel like someone is sitting on your chest now," was one of the statements told to me.

-at 1:20AM I felt a tug and heard excitement in the various voices as the narrator of the event, the anaesthesiologist, told me they pulled her out. And she cried and screamed and ... my sweet Lovie was born unto us.
I had to lay there with the curtain enveloping me, while daddy was able to go see Lovie... and I later learned it was the most awesome experience for him - to meet his baby girl for the first time. Shortly after he met her, a nurse brought her over to me to see and my eyes met the most beautiful thing I have ever in my life seen.

My Lovie

Born December 29, 2009
1:20AM
7 lbs 12 oz
20 inches long

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY

TO THE MOST AWESOME,

MOST BEAUTIFUL,

SWEETEST LITTLE GIRL!

three years ago, 12/28

(taken from my journal written 12/30/2009)

12/28/09:
-7am Cervadil is taken out and another exam reveals more effacement and a softer cervix; they start the Pitocin

-contractions start to get stronger and stronger and closer together by around 9am

-at Noon I get up to pee and get into bed and as I situate myself into the uncomfortable bed, I feel a sort of twist inside on my right side near my lower abdominal area. I then feel like I wet the bed and this makes me start to freak out a bit. Surely my water couldn't be breaking just five hours after the Pitocin started! Something must be wrong with my sweetpea! DH calls the nurse and she's on break so her replacement comes in and at this point, I now feel the urgent urge to take a dump. This makes me freak out even more because I've heard time and time again how real labor pains feel like you have to push out the hugest poop ever - and that's what was happening to me... but again, surely it was too soon!
I try telling the nurse that I think maybe my water broke but had no clue - and that I had to really go to the bathroom. Apparently I wasn't very kind or maybe I was just freaking out a bit because the nurse, trying to remain calm and keep me calm, looked at me like I was crazy. She wanted to check and see if indeed my water had broken but I told her that I really needed to go to the bathroom. We went round and round for a hot minute. I have a feeling that while I did have the urgency to have a bowel movement, I was more freaked out that the whole "labor and delivery" thing was ACTUALLY happening. That, and I couldn't get all the I Didn't Know I was Pregnant shows I had seen out of my head where the moms end up giving birth to their babies in the toilet!
I finally calmed down enough to allow the nurse to ensure the water had broke and that's when my regular nurse came back in the room - and she did confirm that my water had broke and I was in active labor!
The contractions were fierce and scary. I was asked if I wanted an epidural and I immediately accepted. The room became incredibly warm and sweat dripped from every pore on my being as I clutched onto the nurse and rolled my back in position while listening to the doctor in charge of the epidural tell me not to move over and over again and again. The whole procedure took a good twenty or thirty minutes to complete (at least it did in my head), but once completed, life was good again. I felt NOTHING for hours to come.

-my cervix was checked a couple times in the hours to come and things were progressing nicely.

-finally around 9PM the doctor had come to see me to do an internal and I was 100% effaced and almost 100% dialated, but not quite there yet. She waited about an hour and in the meantime, I told them I was feeling quite nauseated to which they said "was good" as it would "help push" the baby out.

-around 9:30PM, after 28 hours without any solid food, I vomited for about 10 minutes straight

-around 10PM, the doc came back and I still wasn't quite 10 cm dialated but they decided to let me try and push and see what would happen.

-just before midnight, after two hours of pushing, the doctor urged me once again to have a c-section... this time because the baby's heart rate dropped every time I pushed. I assured everyone I was willing to keep trying to push her out but was wanting the best for the baby so opted for the c-section after a couple more minutes of pushing (apparently baby's head would start to come out and the doc would get a grip but as soon as I stopped pushing, the head popped back up inside the birth canal).

three years ago

Saturday, December 26, 2009 - week 39:

This is it, my love. This is my final pregnancy photo (posed to show growth progress at least).

This time tomorrow I'll be trying to relax and breath as I prepare to call the hospital to ensure there's a bed for me so that I can go in and get induced.

You should be in my arms sometime on Monday.

I can't wait. I really can't... but a part of me is a little sad, too. Sad because you will no longer be with me at absolute all times by default. But I know there is so much more greater and far more wonderful things to come, to witness, to revel in.

It really won't be long now, my love.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Sunday, December 27, 2009 - 2 hours:

I just called the hospital and they're looking good for tonight so we'll be leaving in about an hour or so to go to the hospital.

WOW.

I'm trying not to freak out too much but this is pretty big. I mean, this is it.

WOW.

Sometime tomorrow... we'll finally meet in person!!

WOW!!

Christmas recap

It astounds me that we're days shy from a brand new year.

It astounds me that we just celebrated our third Christmas with a child...our child.

Every day truly is a gift. Truly it is.

last minute gift

not only is it SUPER easy, quick to make, and pretty inexpensive, but it's damn tasty, too.

to You

Santa Claus lane

I haven't been able to scan in this year's photo on Santa's lap (we got one with her actually smiling) so this one below- with her inching her way toward the big guy- will have to do for now (no crying photos from my evil kid):

 

 

 

 

 

 

It

I haven't really been in a writing mood lately. Not sure if it's the worldly crap happening, not sure if it's that the world might come to an end on Friday, not sure if it's the holidays, not sure if it's that my baby is turning 3 in ten days and I'm in denial. Whatever the reason, I suspect (new) content here will be light through the duration of the month.

I suspect that will be the case everywhere. Hopefully people are spending lots of time with their loved ones. It sucks that tragic events put things in perspective for many people, but whatever. It is what it is.

For me, I finally discovered what It is all about over three years ago and I blogged about it on BlogHer back in February:

Hearing her say "Mama" makes me smile so dang much.

Granted she’s only 2 and I’m her entire world and since she’s my world, it works out wonderfully, but nevertheless, I can’t grow tired of hearing it. Even when she says it over and over (and over) again and doesn’t say anything else after I ask her to; even then my day is complete. Because I’m a Mom...her mom. And I’ve never been so happy in all my 39 years of life.

This is what it’s all about…For me, at least.

I didn’t always want to be a mom, though. As a product of divorce, I always told myself I would never have kids to avoid doing to them what my folks did to me. Then I grew up and started watching my siblings have kids, and started to really see the beauty and wonderment that is a child.

The innocence, the joy, the ... life.

When I was in my mid-20s, I lived with my brother and his little boy. My brother just divorced and really needed some help taking care of his boy. Since I vowed at a young age to never let a child hurt the way I hurt when my parents split and nobody communicated with me, I took on the responsibility with open arms. Pretty instantly, I fell madly in love with my then 4 year old nephew. He became everything to me; I loved that little boy so hard.

But I wasn’t his mom.

He had a mom and she wasn’t me. So after four years of living with him and treating him like my own, I made the gut-wrenching decision to leave my nephew and move out on my own in the hopes that I could find my way in life.

Shortly after that, I met my (now) husband and after 6 months of marriage (after 7 years together), we agreed it was time to try procreating. I was 35 and the clock was ticking so loud, it’s all I heard. Seven months from the time we started, I got a positive pregnancy test and was over the moon happy. Four weeks later I was in the hospital having my baby surgically removed. S/he stopped growing. And after my doctor assured me it was over, I opted to have the d&c rather than try to wait for things to end on their own.

For closure.

To move on faster.

But none of that happened.

I didn’t get closure; I got insomnia and an awful haircut because I needed a change. I got fatter from trying to eat away all the sadness that enveloped me. And when the sadness started to diminish, bitterness ruled. Every single place I turned stood a big pregnant belly or a snotty nosed cherubic face. The tears that streamed from my eyes and heart and soul during those darkest days of my life flowed so freely. It was hard to hide, hard to continue on; but I did just that because while those were the darkest days of my life, they were also some of the most enlightening for me: It’s when I realized that it wasn’t a baby I wanted, it was that I wanted to parent; I wanted to be a Mom.

I had to be a Mom.

A year and a half after that surgery, I was in the operating room having another surgery: a C-section (I was induced at 39.5 weeks because of gestational diabetes and while labor progressed and I pushed for two hours, I was told that my baby’s heart rate dropped with every push and a C-section was imminent after all.)

The absolute light of my life was born end of December 2009 and the moment I heard her cry and the laughter in the room erupt, my dreams finally came true.

I was a mom.

I AM a mom.

Sure I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a great aunt, a cousin, a friend; sure I work a full time job. But more than anything else in this world, I’m a Mom. A “Mama” to be precise. And it’s the most amazing thing in the world.

Santa

My dear sweet baby girl,

When the day comes when you ask if Santa is real, I hope to be able to show you this:

I saw this on Facebook. I am not the author; I'm not sure who is. But that matters not to me because what matters is the message about love and magic and hope and happiness... the message that Santa represents all of that.

Believe.

caption this

I'm totally open to any other bubble thoughts.

TILTW: 12.8-12.14

*
Counting and time-outs work quite well with my perfectly well-behaved, non-whiny child.

**
I still hate potty training.
***
I missed writing this week, but I enjoyed being kinda crafty as exemplified here and here.
****
I need to make Lovie another blanket for the car. I knitted her one before she was born- it's super thick and was awesome for covering her in her infant carrier. Now that she's like a big kid, the blanket barely covers her legs in the cold car. It's been a while since I've knitted but it may be time to pick it up again.
*****
Less than two weeks till Christmas and only two weeks one day till Lovie turns three.

HOLY CANNOLI!

******

if your child is coming to Lovie's party don't let them see this

The goody bags have been assembled and I cannot wait for the 29th!

 

There will also be Bubble Guppies party hats (and the birthday girl will be wearing a Bubble Guppies birthday shirt). I took some short cuts to save a ton of money but I think they're super damn awesome bags if I do say so myself.

 

Firstly, I got everything from Shindigz.com whom I discovered when I hosted my Fisher Price Playdate via HouseParty.com.

 

Then I google image searched high res Bubble Guppies artwork and found the image shown on the bag, downloaded it, and added the Thank You message. I then printed them out in color, cut them down, and glued them onto the plastic bags (from Shindigz for an insanely cheap price).

 

NickJr.com actually has a ton of printables so that's where I got the images for the hats (not shown yet). You can just assemble the party hats after printing and cutting, but i took it a step further and ordered super cheap plain party hats from, you guessed it, Shindigz and will affix the Bubble Guppies image to them.

 

For her cake, I'm just going the same route I did last year and getting a big sheet cake from Costco. Then I'll make lollipop sticks of some Bubble Guppies to stick in the cake- much like I did last year with her Team Umizoomi cake and Ni-Hao Kai Lan cupcakes (wow, do we need to back down from the TV much or what?).

 

Man, I cannot wait till the party day. And, bonus! I just ordered some new bras so maybe I'll be able to jump with the kiddies without injuring anyone! : )

All opinions stated here in this post and elsewhere on my blog are my own unless otherwise stated. None of the companies mentioned here even know I exist; I'm not being compensated to write this. We clear?

inexpensive holiday gifts

The other week I made some Merry Mix-Mess and Chocolate Pretzel Buttons with the purpose of packaging it all up and gifting it out this season. Then, I found these adorable Dixie brand coffee cups with lids (12 each to a package for less than $3.00) at either WalMart, Target, or Meijer. I put the snacks in a ziploc baggie, tucked those inside the coffee cup, and BOOM: instant little cheap, yummy, festive gift! If only I picked up more of the cups because I can't seem to find them anywhere online! :(

damn love/hate feelings messing with me

Although I’m pretty submerged in social media like blogging, message boards, Facebook, Twitter, it still scares the shit out of me most days. On one hand I love it all, but on the other hand I hate it. Especially Twitter and Facebook. I just hate feeling like the freaking outcast I was back in high school.

 

I admit that being immediately up-to-date about pretty much anything anywhere is pretty awesome. But I just don't dig the cliques. Still, I haven't given it up. Instead, I just do what I did back in high school—I withdraw. And then I get pissed at myself because I lived so much of my life on the sidelines and I just can’t do it anymore. So I don’t withdraw completely like I did back then; instead, I take a step back when things become too annoying for me and then jump back in when I'm ready. (I guess that's me just being a Big Girl.)

I concede that feeling like an outcast is of my own doing. I’m just not an outgoing person and I tend to back off when things get too intense. I’m just not passionate enough about my own ideas and beliefs, I guess. Unless it’s about my Lovie, of course.

The funny thing is that without social media, I’d never have met my husband who answered a personal ad I placed on Yahoo Personals in 2000. (Thank God for the Internet may or may not have been the theme to our wedding. No, I'm kidding; we're not that dorky.)

Seriously, there are a ton of great things about social media. I can't dispute that. I mean, through years and years of blogging and trolling posting on message boards, I’ve made some fantastic real life friends. Hell, without social media, I wouldn’t really have a social life at all.

So what’s my hang-up then?

It scares me.

 

There’s so much info out there available in a millisecond. I’m terrified for my child’s future. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be alive today had Facebook been available back in the late 80s when I went to high school. I’m pretty damn certain of it, actually. After all, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" is completely non-existent today thanks to social media.

But as much as this frustrates me at times, I can’t log off, I can't delete my accounts.

 

I’ve backed down on participating with a lot of it, yes, but I can’t give it up completely. Because the truth of the matter is that without it, I’d be so lonely: I wouldn’t have met my husband who gave me my incredible Lovie; I wouldn’t have made some of the best friends a girl could have; I wouldn’t be able to find out that my nephew who’s struggled most of his life because of shitty parenting just got a new position as Assistant Manager; I wouldn’t be able to know that my best friend in the whole world is going through some horrifically scary times during her early pregnancy.

 

I do think the good outweighs the bad when it comes to social media, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be leery of it all and worry for my child’s future.

Fortunately, that guy I met and married through an online personal ad? He's a computer guru who will be able to keep tabs on Lovie’s online interactions so hopefully that will ease my worry a bit when she’s 30 and able to finally date and use the interwebz.

Whoa

Lovie is Child of the Month at school so I was just going through pictures to bring in for them to put up on the bulletin board... I just quickly went through my mobile uploads to Facebook this past year. Girlfriend has changed so much.

I suppose when set up like this it's not so noticeable but going through them one by one? Whoa. Her little chubby cheeks when sucking the frosting off her finger in her 2nd birthday photo compared to now? She's a little girl. Truly.

************

Speaking of being wowed... One of my posts for The Bump Blog got picked up from Yahoo Shine! 

Whoa! :)

 

TILTW: 12.1-12.7

*
I really love December. It's so busy, but it's so much fun with a kid in tow.
**
I'm excited because this year I'm finally into giving more again. I've always enjoyed giving to others more than receiving (gifts, people/pervs, gifts), but for a while I was just so tired of coming up with stuff to give. I don't have the funds to give real gift-gifts, so I generally just make stuff. But that was hard the past several years. This year, however, I've already made some Christmas Crack, Pretzel Buttons, and Cake Batter Cookies all of which I will be making more of to package and give to Lovie's teachers, friends, some family, coworkers, neighbors. It makes me giddy to be able to give this shiz away.
***
I thought I was done Christmas shopping, but I was wrong. You can read more about that over here at the Bump Blog! : )
****
What have you learned this week?

cake batter cookies

soooooooooo easy and yummy. makes three dozen cookies- perfect to package up and give away around the holidays.

the journal entries { - FICTION - }

You have exactly one hour.

That’s all I’m giving you. One fucking hour. Not one minute more, not one minute less.

One fucking hour away from him, away from her, away from everyone and everything.

If you don’t calm the fuck down in one fucking hour, you will drive yourself to the hospital and demand they do something… Like lock your ass up!

You’re a monster.

Out of fucking control monster.

They deserve so much more than you. They’ve never done anything to you but bring you joy and here you are freaking the fuck out on them time and time again. Because he dropped some fucking play-doh on the floor, because she didn’t want to eat the goddamn meatballs you took all of 60 seconds to nuke. You freak the fuck out on them. You know you’re doing it. You know you’re scaring them. Your voice gets so loud. Your face—dear god, I can only image the face I make when they fucking set me off!

You make them cry. You berate them. You torture their feelings, their thoughts, their innocence.

You fucking monster.

Deep breathing, stepping outside, food, listening to The Doors… nothing helps anymore. And you know you can’t drink because you have no control. So just go and get some help already. Send this to someone. Show Anthony this so he can see just how royally fucked up you are. But why hasn’t he done something by now? Other than warn me that I’d end up like this? That he could see little child under a table hiding from Mommy, telling him, “Mommy’s in the bathroom crying again!”? Why not get me some fucking help instead of mocking me. Fuck Anthony. Fuck the kids. Fuck you!!!

***

One week later:

My PMS is out of control. Clearly. I just got my period yesterday and just like that I can come here and be rational. I don’t need to spew such god-awful things. Look what I wrote up there. Look at it. Maybe I should just take this to someone. But who?

I could show Anthony but I can’t see him saying anything more than, “I told you so.”

Yes, he told me he worried for the safety of our children before we had them. Yes, he told me he worried about my anger.

But I was sure it would subside with kids. And it did at first but it’s just gotten so bad lately… this past year. So very bad. And scary.

I’m a completely different person when I’m PMSing. It’s not a fucking joke. I really need to get help- for them. They really do deserve a better Mommy than who I am most of every month.

Editor note: This piece is fiction but it comes from my reality with PMDD.

Chocolate Pretzel Buttons

I'm not sure if it was NaBloPoMo or what, but I'm fresh out of shiz to write about. I've got a couple more hours to come up with something to link up with the folks at Yeah Write and/or The Speakeasy, but, as of right now, I got nothing.

Nothing but food.

Over the weekend I made some Merry Mix-Mess to give away at Christmas to Lovie's teachers, friends and maybe some of my coworkers. I also made a small batch of Chocolate Pretzel Buttons. And, with the help of Lovie, I made another batch last night.

These are the easiest damn things ever.

Ingredients:
Hershey Kisses and/or Hugs, unwrapped (I've tried using the peppermint and they don't melt as nicely as the kisses and hugs ... I find the Hugs melt the nicest and it's probably best to use only ONE KIND at a time!) (btw, my almost 3 year old loved helping me unwrap all these.)
Plain M&M's (I used some peppermint M&M's and those are just nasty but if you like chocolate mint, I don't see why you can't use them- though they are bigger than plain M&M's)
Square Pretzels

Directions:
Cover a baking sheet (lined with parchment paper) with square pretzels. Put unwrapped Kiss/Hug on each pretzel. Bake at 200 for 5 minutes (do not let the Kisses/Hugs melt- just let them get soft). Top each Kiss/Hug with an M&M and let cool in fridge.

Flashback favorite from 2012: January

the Merry Mix-mess (aka Christmas Crack)

Found this recipe on Pinterest the other day and thought it sounded yummy and easy. It sounded as if it would make a lot and I thought it might make a good little treat to give out this season to Lovie's teachers. While in Target gathering supplies yesterday, she asked if we could give it to her friends, too. Why not? There really is a TON of it and if I don't give it away my stomach will hate me.

I've changed the name because I'm thinking The Merry Mix-mess is a little more age appropriate for 3-year-olds than Christmas Crack but this shiz is definitely appropriately named as its original, Christmas Crack.


I went off the original recipe but changed up my dry ingredients a bit and followed someone's suggestion in the comments to make it less sticky. The result? Insanely good. And addictive. Oh so addictive.

Ingredients:
box of Golden Grahams
box of Rice Chex
bag of pretzels, broken up a bit (didn't have nuts but would definitely add some)
holiday M&M's
2 cups corn syrup
2 cups sugar
3 sticks butter

Directions:
Mix cereal, pretzels in a huge bowl (I needed to use two bowls- there's LOTS of it!). Cook corn syrup, sugar, butter in large saucepan for about 10-15 minutes till your thermometer reads 234 degrees. (Suggestion in comments was to drop a bit of the liquid in cold water and if it balls up, it's ready.) Pour hot liquid over dry ingredients and mix, mix, mix. Add some M&Ms for color and different texture. Stir. Spread out on PAM sprayed cookie sheets and let cool, stirring a bit to break it up. You can then bake for an hour on 250 (original recipe doesn't do this) and it will become less sticky because the sugar hardens... but it HARDENS. And it becomes more candy-like, in my opinion, but oh so good. And it's a bit of a bitch to then break up but sooo worth it, really.

I was able to fill up three gallon size freezer zip lock bags and will store in the fridge till I'm ready to divvy out in little packages. (Assuming I don't keep sneaking handfuls of it.)

TILTW: 11.24-11.30

*
I'm so glad NaBloPoMo is over as of this post. I like my little blog. I love writing. But feeling like I have to do so every single day is just not for me... or a bunch of other folk. ;)
**
I'm elated that our family circles don't really do gift wish lists.
***
I really want to give more to those in need. Last year I was able to adopt a family to give a gift to at Christmas. This year they're not doing that and it sucks. Yes, I bring in canned goods and unwrapped toys for Toys for Tots, but I want to give more. And I want Lovie to see me give more. Her school set up a large decorated box next to the sign-in area for toy donations. I mentioned to Lovie that we need to get a toy or two to bring in for the box. She started sulking, "But I want a new toy." It was pathetic and I know she wants and deserves a new toy (we don't buy much throughout the year and her birthday is 4 days after Christmas so she's in "need"). She's still so little and doesn't grasp that there are people out there who need--truly need--food, shelter, clothing, toys. Sadly we don't belong to a church or anything that might have a wishing tree or whatever where you can adopt a family and since we're not doing it at work, I need to find out where to be able to do this. I need Lovie to be a part of it- pick the family or something. She's not grasping it when we go shopping and buy for others because she wants it... maybe if she's a part of picking the person/family, it will click more? I don't want her to feel bad or sad, but I need her to know that this season isn't about receiving.
****
A month from today, we'll be recouping from Lovie's 3rd birthday party and preparing to ring in a new year. WOW does time fly.

"Mom" by Lovie

I was gonna do this and then I wasn't. I was gonna do it and then had her do it but then decided to post this instead. But then I saw and read this and laughed so hard I had to share mine after all.

So that's that and this is it... Lovie's portrait of ... Me:

I stood by her as she created this. She kept looking at me and saying, "Ok now for the ... ears!" or whatever it was she drew next. She didn't look at me for the face, eyes, hair, or nose because I guess those she knows by heart. The rest she looked at me and studied me for 2.2 seconds before adding to her masterpiece.

So here's the breakdown, per Lovie:

 

Truth of the matter is, she's got it about right: I'm a blob.

The last month

One month from today, my sweet baby doll will be turning three years old.

 

THREE

 

There's one thing I can say for certain about that...

These have been the best three years of my life.

 

 

Oh me oh my I'm so incredibly blessed.

 

Now, please excuse me as I get a bit verklempt thinking about all this.

 

 

 

words absolutely can hurt

My mom shipped me and my brother off to stay with my grandparents during the summer before I turned 10. My grandparents lived in the city in a 2 flat with my uncle living in the apartment below them. On weekends, my favorite cousin in the world, just six months older than me, would visit her dad (my uncle). It was the highlight of my time at my grandparents that summer because during the week, when it was just my brother and me and my grandparents, life was horribly dull. We weren't allowed to watch TV, we weren't allowed to be in the house most of the time. We could only eat what was provided at the time it was provided and we had no contact with our friends back home.

I was miserable and angry, so one day during my stay at Oma and Ota's, I wrote a letter to my cousin describing my misery. In it I referenced our grandmother as being a bitch. I tucked the letter in a dresser in my cousin's room for her to find the next weekend she'd visit her dad.

A day or so later, my uncle asked me to come down into my cousin's bedroom where he confronted me about the letter.

He was so very upset with me, I thought he might cry. I was so shocked he found the letter, I didn't really know what to say. All I knew was that I didn't mean the words as they were taken.

"Please don't tell Oma I said that," I remember begging.

He assured me he would never say such horrible words to her and I breathed a sigh a relief, but he also assured me that he was horribly upset with what I had done. He made me promise to never even think such awful things about Oma again. And I promised. I cried and I promised because the truth of the matter is that Oma always was and always will be the most important woman in my life.

She means so much to me, I can't even clearly express it. So the fact that I know I wrote those words of my own fruition, and that her beloved son read them and interpreted them in the worst way possible, slices my heart. Even at almost 10. And it still does today.

photo unknowingly snapped from my cell phone on 11/24/12

I have a shitty memory but that's one moment I will never forget. And every single time I see my grandmother and hug her frail body, I think of the damn letter and the awful words I wrote and thank God she never found the letter that my uncle destroyed before she could see it. If she ever, even for one moment, thought I disrespected her in such a way, I'd be mortified.

She's my Oma and I love her more than words could ever say.

the night shift { - FICTION - }

You know, I don’t even remember his name- and I’m ok with that. I had desires that needed to be met and he met them. Wonderfully well. Actually, he exceeded them. How can I not remember his name then? Because it was a one-time thing and that’s what happens: You don’t talk much, you just fuck.

I enjoyed it so much I’m not sure what took me so long to go for it-- the one-night stand with a stranger.

I'd had a one-night stand before, of course, but I knew the guy. His name was Bruce and I lusted over him for quite some time before something happened. We were really good friends at work and he was going through a divorce. I wasn’t initially attracted to him, but time and alcohol in front of a bonfire happened, and that left me with a big smile on my face.

Until he told me two days later that it was a mistake and that he really just wanted to get back together with his soon-to-be-ex-wife. “But of course we could still be friends and hang at work.”

Oh boy was I crushed.

Until I started to dabble with online personal ads. After a couple months of flirting via email and instant messaging, I started meeting up with some guys. Soon, I discovered I was a hot commodity as they all seemed to want more than just sex. I wasn’t in a place for all the extra bullshit that comes along with more. I didn’t give a shit about their families or their past. I just wanted to get laid. And while that happened a couple of times, most wanted more and I began to pick up on it almost immediately.

The last guy I met up with from an online ad was pretty clear with his desires for a girlfriend as soon as we sat down at the bar, so after several strong drinks, I ditched him to go to the bathroom. When I came out, my eyes locked with this older guy standing at the end of the hallway of the bathrooms. As I turned to walk through the masses of people sweating and dancing to get back to my date at the bar, the older guy grabbed my arm.

Shocked, I turned to look at him and his mouth opened to say something, but the vibrating music ruled all. The force from his yank caught me off guard and I ended up nearly jumping on him as he said whatever he said before leaning in and breathing his warmth onto my neck.

I was absolute mush at that point and he knew it. He started kissing me and I kissed him back, tongues dancing with vigor. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me closer to him as he sat on a bar stool where I felt his hardness. I pushed away from him, grabbing his hand to follow me, and pressed our way through the crowds.

My fingers inside the waist of his paints pulling him toward me, I asked “Where’s your car?” as the cold, outside air smacked me in the face.

He smiled and I could see the wrinkles fold around his eyes. Then he led me to his car, and once sitting inside, we immediately started kissing again. I reached for his pants and he gripped my hand and said that we needed to get out of the parking lot we were in.

“Fine by me,” I said.

He drove to a desolate area near a strip mall and parked. We kissed some more before I unzipped his pants and went down on him. After a couple minutes he pulled me off him by my hair and asked if he could take me to a motel.

“Let’s go,” I answered. “I don’t normally do this kind of stuff but—“

He wasn’t listening.

“I don’t have condoms,” I lied.

“I do.”

He pulled into a motel and ran into the office. I sat there debating whether or not to get out of the car. I didn’t know the guy from Adam and he could’ve been some mass murderer or something. But I needed to get laid, so I took my chances. We got into the room and there was just a bed with a table. I don’t even think there was a TV but I suppose there must’ve been. All I know is he started peeling his clothes away, sat on the bed, told me to come toward him and lifted my shirt off. Then he took off my skirt and panties.

A couple hours later, still pitch black out, he said he had to go and asked where my car was. I told him it was at a McDonald's near the highway. We left the room and hopped in his car. He stopped outside the office and ran in to pay the bill while the clerk looked out at me. I knew what she was thinking because I was thinking it too, but I also didn’t give a fuck because for the first time in forever, I felt like a woman- cliché as that is.

He drove me to my car in silence and that was that.

I drove toward home and in the 45 minutes it took to get there, the sun was coming up. It was the perfect Saturday morning to stop off for fresh donuts for my husband and the kids.

Dispatching the overnight sure did have some perks.

 

day 26 NaBloPoMo: Listicle

Not a day goes by when I'm not grateful and thankful for my phone. It's not an iPhone but it is a smart phone with a nice little camera and man, what a godsend that handy little thing is... How lucky will Lovie be to have all these photos of her and her life to look back on (opposed to the not even one photo album from my youth... third child problems).

1= the sleeper part of our third "new" couch from Ashley Furniture in two months- the sleeper part constantly bottoms out and ends up on the floor. it's super hard not to get frustrated about this. the love seat is perfectly fine so I'm guessing it's just that this piece shouldn't be made as a sleeper, but the fact that Ashley won't just say that and rectify the situation with a new non-shitty sleeper, has really gotten on my last nerve.

2= Lovie on Thanksgiving night with 8 pony tails in her hair, napless, and about ready to pass out

3= Lovie putting ornaments on the tree the other night

4= Taye and Lovie watch Sofia the Princess

5= Finished Christmas Tree

6= Yesterday's "quiet time" results

7= Pancakes or Cheerios?

8= Christopher Pop-in-kins (cuter version-IMO-of elf on the shelf) has made his appearance

9= Miss "No I don't wanna nap" before a birthday party the other week.

10= Homage to Hostess

Day 25 NaBloPoMo: one month from today

not the greatest photo quality since this comes from my cell phone but it's better than nothing:

here's the before SOTC:

Day 24 NaBloPoMo: time

I can't believe it's Saturday already. And it's going to be damn busy-- gymnastics, lunch, long drive out to my mom and grandmothers place. We'll be lucky to be home by 7 tonight. Ugh I like slower days at home. At work the days drag and what I wouldn't do for some of that drag at home on the weekends. Thinking about having to blog every day doesn't help matters either. If I've learned anything through this month's commitment of blogging daily, it's that I'm really not a blogger. I'm just a doting mama who likes to write.