July 11, 2012

such a shame

My mom likes to tell people that when I was a newborn, I was so tiny that she’d tuck me into a shoe box inside an open drawer to nap. I was her third and final baby born and I "slid right out.”

As a small child, I was a shit of a kid wanting nothing to do with baby dolls and girly stuff and everything to do with soccer and boy stuff. I didn’t watch a lot of TV; instead, I was always outside playing with friends. But then my parents split when I was 9 and absolutely everything changed. I didn’t know what was going on because nobody explained anything—they just told me what to do and I did it. Like go to three different grammar schools and four different high schools. As a result, I had no friends.

No friends but food.


I've recently lost nearly 20 pounds of this bullshit fat, but nobody can notice. Twenty pounds is nothing to sneeze at but nobody can tell I've lost it because I have so much more to lose. It's disgusting, really. And sad.

I try so hard not to dwell on how much more I need to lose to be closer to an average size. Instead, I try to focus on the fact that I feel really great right now: My energy is up, I sleep better at night, I'm more active with my Lovie when it's not 100 degrees out. But then something like yesterday happens and I get slammed into the reality of it all: I'm morbidly obese.

I got certified in CPR yesterday afternoon.

When it came time to kneel on the floor in front of our victim (a dummy) to check for signs of life and/or perform CPR, I knelt just fine. Yeah it wasn't comfortable to kneel but it wasn't comfortable for any of us. When it came time to join our hands together to perform chest pumps, I did just fine. When it came time to lean in to the victim to check for air, I nearly fell over. Literally. And when it came time to breathe into my victim, I simply couldn't do it.

I couldn't bend over enough to give my unconscious victim mouth to mouth resuscitation. My huge boobs and big fat belly stopped me from bending over enough. I tried with all my might to force the fat to move, but it wouldn’t budge and I couldn’t pinch the victims nose and breathe into its mouth at the same time.

WHAT IF THAT WERE MY CHILD ON THE FLOOR?!?

I could feel my face get hot and refused to look up from my dummy.


While I’ve been fat most of my life, I’ve never been one to let it define me. It’s a part of who I am, yes, but it’s not all of who I am… until a moment pops up when shame seeps inside of me and takes over.





23 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that happened. I can't tell you how many moments I have like that...when you're just going along and then all of a sudden you get a big old slap in the face. 20 pounds is AMAZING you should celebrate the loss of every. single. one. of them!

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  2. You should be proud of 20 pounds - it's a beginning and a good one. My heart breaks for you in your story because I know that feeling of sadness and worry that I may not come through for my kid.

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  3. Stop that trash talk right now. You are doing awesome. You are awesome. If that was your child, you would put her up on a table and do what you had to do. If there wasn't a table adrenaline + mama bearness would overcome any physical obstacles.

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  4. 20 pounds is a fantastic start and Laura is absolutely right!

    You have to overcome a very sad and confusing part of your life...
    Good luck and heaps of power to you!

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  5. Don't let that incident keep you from celebrating the 20 lbs you've lost so far! It's wonderful to hear you say that you try to focus on the positives. That'll keep you going. We all have feelings of shame and doubt that threaten to keep us from reaching goals and living better lives. Congratulations!

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  6. I so agree -- 20 pounds is a lot of weight and every pound lost was worth the effort. Do not be ashamed for starting this journey because there are so many, including me, who haven't started it at all.

    And I am pretty sure that you would find a way if it wasn't a plastic dummy. Why? Because you're a mom and you'd die trying before you gave up.

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  7. I don't think there's a parent alive that doesn't worry if they'll be able to save their child if the situation called for it. Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I worry about what I'd do if there was a fire. Somehow, I'd have to make sure all three of my children got out. Twenty pounds is just the beginning for you!

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  8. Twenty pounds does not mark the end of your journey, just the beginning.

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  9. I love how honest and naked this was. Very moving.

    Congratulations on losing what you have, that's a huge accomplishment.

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  10. Oh honey, this is so beautifully written, and so BRAVE. 20 pounds is significant! And the next 20 will be even more significant. Please do not feel shameful, feel proud that you have had this realization, and proud that you are doing something about it. Your Lovie is gorgeous and loves her mama no matter how you look.

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  11. Aw man, Christina. I feel where you're coming from, and I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))

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  12. This is a beautiful post and made me cry. Really. Because I'm right where you are (minus the 20 lbs).. I just keep getting heavier and heavier as food is the only stable thing. But I can't even bring myself to write about it anymore. You are so brave. And 20 lbs is amazing. Awesomely amazing.

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  13. This is so raw and brave. I imagine this feels like a setback but don't let it be. Twenty pounds lost should be celebrated!

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  14. I'm sorry that happened to you. Do not diminish the 20 pounds you have lost - as well as the motivation you have gained - everything starts with just one step. Yay you!

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  15. Twenty pounds is a big deal, mama. You worked hard to get to your goal and you should be proud of it.

    As for what happened to you, I am quite positive that if it had been an actual child -- yours or anyone else's -- you would have found a way.

    Thank you for sharing a difficult experience so bravely and honestly.

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  16. REALLY well done. Girlfriend, you are far from disgusting. I really hate that you used that word to define yourself. Good for you for making positive changes for YOU - go girl! Thanks for sharing this story and trusting us with it.

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  17. I'm sorry, Christina. 20 pounds is a great start. Soon, we'll be toasting to your great health! I can't thank you enough for being so honest. It takes a lot of courage to open up like you just did. You can do it!

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  18. Every success starts with a single step, a single word, a single pound. Stay strong. Ellen

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  19. I know exactly how you feel. I've put on weight over the years but I always had an excuse. The words, "morbidly obese," were a wake-up call. I've lost 20 lbs. over the last couple of months and even if it is just a start, it's an accomplishment. You should be proud of that and don't let this incident discourage you. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself and that precious child. You can do this! ((Hugs))

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  20. Maybe others do notice and they just don't know what to say. Twenty pounds is a lot. You should be proud of yourself. And if that were your kid on the floor, you'd find a way to get her the air. I'm sure of it.

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  21. You can do it! Twenty pounds is a huge success and a commitment to health and strength. I'm glad you are already feeling the energy from it.

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  22. That must have been so difficult. Congratulations on your 20 pounds. That is an achievement because losing any of it is damn hard. Keep thinking of how you are feeling better and keep the motivation.

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  23. You are a strong, brave, talented and beautiful person, no matter what. Don't let anyone or any inner dialogue tell you differently. You've got this, pretty mama!

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