They all said that time would go by so fast, that I should enjoy it all while I had the chance.
Enjoy what? The screaming? The crying? The endlessness to it
all?
Time couldn’t possibly move any slower; I don’t understand
what the fuck everyone was talking about it “going by so fast.”
I’m so fucking tired.
I don’t want this.
I’m not strong enough for this.
And where the fuck is Hank in all this? Why the fuck can’t
he ever get his lazy fucking ass out of bed and help me? How the hell can he
sleep through the screaming and crying? Even when she’s not screaming and
crying, doesn’t he still hear it? Am I
the only one that hears the screaming and crying 24/7?! LUCKY ME!
When Hank’s gone and she’s crying, I strap her in the swing
and take a shower. I didn’t always do this but she doesn’t move. Only her mouth
moves when she’s screaming and crying. And sometimes her head moves and her
hands and feet wiggle. But it’s not like she’s going to fall out of the swing,
crack her head on the floor and finally shut up. It’s just not going to happen
that way.
At first I tried picking her up and feeding her or holding
her or rocking shushing singing to her but she doesn’t shut the fuck up once
she starts. So now I just lock myself in the bathroom and turn on the shower. Sometimes
I get in the shower and just let the water run over my body, hoping that each spray
of water are knives slicing into my scalp and skin.
But I can still hear the crying. Motherfuck, it doesn’t ever
stop.
And when I finally unlock and open the bathroom door, there
she is tucked in the swing. Nobody came and took her. She didn’t fall out. And
she didn’t shut up.
When I move in closer, I can see that she’s still. She looks
rather peaceful. Her lips are pursed together, her eyelashes curl over her silky
skin.
She’s not crying, she’s not screaming, but I swear to god, I
can still hear her.
Dear god, I feel so motherfucking trapped. How the hell did
I get into this fucking mess?
Wow, that was nicely done. Captured some great angst and frustration.
ReplyDeletethanks so much. nice to know since my experience was really nothing like this.
Deleteoh wow, every mother has that thought in those screaming days. Every single one of us..and you captured the crazy place we go when we do in such good, graphic detail. Freedom is taken here, it's non existant..and we feel the hurt. WOW.
ReplyDeletei really tried hard to put myself in the position so thank you for your comments.
DeleteSounds like my first few months as a mother. I had to learn to put up with the screaming otherwise I would be caked with 2 weeks worth of dirt and grime at a time!
ReplyDeleteGreat job.
thanks, Carrie. and i'm sorry your first few months were rough like this! mine were not, thankfully; but i can certainly see how it could be.
DeleteWhat a great job showing the lack of freedom here! Your imagery of the frustration is so vivid.
ReplyDeleteOoh so saturated with anger. Well done!
ReplyDelete