Leaving

In just a couple days I'll be going away for several nights. I'm flying into "Paradise" and meeting my BFF/cousin. Together we'll cab it to a beach location where we'll do as little as possible for three days and nights. We're doing this together because this is the year we both turn 40.

Age is just a number but for some reason, turning 40 is a big deal to me. Maybe it's such a big deal because, for the most part, I really enjoyed my 30s. I felt really true to myself in my 30s. Maybe it's such a big deal because I could be considered middle aged. Or maybe it's because I can finally, for the first time in my life when turning another century old, look back and smile.

Regardless of the whys, I've never really made a big deal about any of my birthdays, nor have I had anyone else make a big deal about it. No surprise parties or lavish gifts for me. And I wanted it to be different this time so all of that adds up to booking a trip to Paradise.

Doesn't it sound ridiculously wonderful?!?

It does, I know ... but ... I'm going alone: No husband, no child.

I love my husband and all but he's not the one I'm thinking about today. It's her. My Lovie.

I know people leave their kids all the time to do things without them. I understand that and I understand people wanting that break. But I don't. I don't want that break. I get enough of that break Monday thru Friday when she goes to school and I go to work for nine hours.

Would I feel differently if I didn't work outside of the home? Maybe, maybe not. It's tough to say because the thing is, I've waited so long to be mama to this little girl and I just want to soak up all of it. Every bit of it. The good and the bad. The screaming and the laughter. It's all a part of who she is and I want every last drop of it. Because one day, she'll be turning 40 and then what? Then she'll have her own life and want her own celebration.

I'm just a little nervous about this trip. It's only for three nights but it will be the first three nights away from her and... I already miss her.

...and I can't stop wondering about what if something goes wrong.

There, I said it.

I know that's not a good way to think but dear god almighty will she know, believe, understand, comprehend how much she meant to me if I don't return? How much she's loved and adored and cherished? Is she at the age where she could remember me if something happens? Will the photos tell a proper story of how she's absolutely everything to me? My sunshine? The air I breathe?