September 28, 2011

So very sad.

[Warning: cussing below.]

I was perusing baby names for a friend and started looking at baby names that celebrities have named their kids and came across a whopper of one: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof.  She's the teen daughter of the late INXS rocker, Michael Hutchence (and looks just like him!) and the late Paula Yates.

I loved INXS. I mean LOVED. I remember seeing them when I was like 17 or so and holy hot hell did Michael Hutchence know how to make all the girls in the crowd swoon as he glided across the stage. And then he had a kid. And then he offed himself. Stupid fucker.

Okay so I don't know for sure if he killed himself or if he was just found hanging. I remember hearing that he died during some sex act where you, the man, chokes yourself in more than one way. Regardless if it was an accident or on purpose, I remember feeling a bit ticked off. He had this little baby at home, damnit!!  (I remember feeling even more pissed off when I heard of Kurt Cobain's suicide. And I don't give a shit what direction anyone points me in, he definitely killed himself. Selfish fucking bastard. Sorry but when you bring a kid into this world, it's not about you and your selfish ass anymore. I don't give a shit how motherfucking distraught and sad you are, you find a way to move past it and RAISE YOUR KID.)

So anyway as I'm looking at baby names I come across this one- Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof- and then I started looking for pictures of the now Tiger Lily (I guess she legally changed her name, dropping the first two names and adding the adoptive father's last name), which then led me to this video:

And that video, folks, made me cry. Like for real. (And I don't even have sound here so it's just the images that got to me.)

I don't know this child, I didn't know her parents, but I just can't fathom the utter sadness she must feel (or have felt at some point??) over the loss of not one but both of her parents. And I know that this happens in life and it's not just to the famous and it all just makes me sad. So very sad.

This poor girl's dad was found hanging when she was like 1 and her mother was found dead due to an overdose!! WHAT.THE.FUCK?!!!

I look at Lovie every single fucking day. I study her. Every single day. I'm not exaggerating here, folks. Every day I study her; I watch as her little fingers barely touch her lovey when she sits with me on the couch just before bed watching Blues Clues. I watch how her plump little mouth turns into a smile when something goofy happens. I rub her head and feel the tight curls form little balls in my fingers. Every day, I watch and study and smile and remember and cherish and wonder and worry and... then when my thoughts drift to bad ones where I think about dying children, the tears instantly well in my eyes and heart and I quickly think of something- anything- else.

I don't watch the news anymore. Ever.

If I hear any kind of negative toned story on the radio, I quickly change the channel.

I'm clueless when it comes to the current world outside of Lovie.

I know that may not be the healthiest lifestyles to lead, but the mere brushing of thought of her leaving my world scares the ever loving shit out of me. I honestly have no doubts- none whatsoever- that my life would be over if hers would end.

And I'm guessing most, if not all parents think this way.

But I rarely think of what will happen to her when I leave. I mean, I have a private blog dedicated to her that I plan on turning into a book(s) so that she can read herself how deeply I love her... but is that enough?

I have no fucking clue who would care for her if her dad and I died tomorrow. She has no godparents. We have no will. (Partly because we have no clue who to have as her godparents or put into the will!!!) As an only child, this could be a problem. Especially if we die soon!

Gosh, I'm just so sad right now thinking about all of this. So very sad.

I mean, at least Tiger Lily had someone else to look out for her when both of her asshat parents left her... Lovie has nobody but us. And even though we're not self-loathing/destructive people, wouldn't that be like Murphy's Law or something to fuck with us and get us killed leaving Lovie an orphan?!

We need to figure this out soon.  For Lovie.


  1. One of the first things we did when we learned Ada was coming was see a lawyer to create a trust for Ada and directives for ourselves. We also got life insurance policies. When my mom died, the importance of having this done by a professional was crystal clear. It is a tremendous burden for those who outlive you to have to try to figure out what you wanted. The online things are not good either - easily contestable in court and frankly, they don't mean shit. Besides, laws vary from state to state.

    It is critical - you MSUT do it no matter how hard it is. It wasn't easy to think of the people we would rely on for this - it took a lot of deliberation and deep conversation between Tim and I. We have revised that list once already based on changed circumstances.

    The process did spin me off into a bizarre funk, I won't lie. But that wasn't the point. The point, at least as we saw it, was to provide for our child in the best manner possible whether we were alive or dead.

    Seriously, mama. Go. Do it. You will feel so much better if you do.

  2. I feel your pain, Christina. I'm forever fretting about death and worried about The Boy being alone in the world. I wish I was as organized as Monica, but despite 2+ years of thinking about wills and directives we have nothing but a verbal agreement with Hubs' sis that she'll take him if anything happens to us. And she lives 6,000 miles away... in another country. Blech.

    And note to self; online wills are dodgy.

  3. Oh Christina. I'm sitting here with PJ, while he watches Robots, his arm linked with mine. Maggie is sound asleep in her room. I'm in tears.

    I agree with you. Once you have a child it no longer matters what is YOUR problem. Because this child needs to be loved. To be raised. To be shown how precious he or she is.

    We don't have a will. We need to get one. John can't quite handle doing it yet since his dad died. I have a feeling losing my mom is going to prompt us to do it.

  4. we'll take Lovie. no thought needed. absolutely. in a second.

    it's a terrible decision to have to make, but it's nice knowing it's sorted just in case. thankfully i have several siblings, all of whom want Pie so at least we didn't have too hard to find someone.

  5. I totally agree. I think suicide is very selfish. I know depression is a disease just like cancer, but people with cancer get help and medication.

    Also Tiger Lily was in the fucking house for a day or two with her mom's dead body, because she was even doubly selfish and od'd. Ugh!!!

    good post.

  6. I like where your mind wondered with this. Most people would have just fed of the gossip but you applied it to your life. Because you know celebrity or not, we are all living in the real world.
    Yes, you should make a will. We did as soon as my son was born. We nominated a couple in our family that we feel has the most similar lifestyle to ours so my son would not feel out of place if he had to go live with them tomorrow. Do not base your decision on who loves Lovie the most but on who can take care of her needs best. I mean an elderly family member might not be able to care of her...
    Just jot it down, ask whoever you intent to nominee and have it not notarized. Then keep it in a fireproof baox and let someone else know where it is. Done.


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