Secret Thursday

Another Thursday, another secret. This one's not so juicy and not very fun, but it's life I suppose: My Oma (grandmother), the namesake behind Lovie's middle name, is dying.

She had a piece of her lung removed 10 years ago when they told her she had lung cancer (she's never smoked a day in her life). Four years ago, while at a baby shower for my niece, Oma told me that the cancer was back and that she wouldn't be doing anything about it because of the pain she endured last time and because Ota (my grandfather) was no longer alive (he passed away the year prior to this conversation). She insisted she was old and had lived a long life already.

It took everything in me not to break down into hysterics. I know I welled up, but I tried to just remain calm and listen.

I've cried many a night since then.

The thought of a world without my Oma breaks my heart. The warmth and goodness this woman exudes is indescribable. She's everything I could ever hope to be in life and I've known for a very long time that should I ever have a girl child, she would be somehow and someway named after my Oma. 

About a year ago my mom, who now lives with Oma, told us (me and my brother and sister) that Oma had congestive heart failure but that she would be OK as long as she didn't overexert herself. I was pregnant with Lovie at the time and it had been my dream that Oma at least be able to hold my child at least once- that I could have at least one picture of Oma with my own child. 

And she has. When Lovie was only a couple weeks old, we made the drive out to Oma's house despite the frigid temps. I was still healing from my c-section and Lovie was this itty bitty little thing. Seeing Oma's face light up as I handed her my Lovie is an image I will never forget. And it's one that we've been able to redo at least once a month since then, not taking any time we have with her for granted.

Then just a couple of months ago my mom told me that she was at the doctor with Oma for a check up and not only does Oma have congestive heart failure but that the lung cancer that was removed 10 years ago and returned 4 years ago was completely covering her lungs.  She said the doctor showed them both the x-rays to see just how much was covered. Fortunately, her heart wasn't covered though.

She didn't come right out and say it, but she basically said that it's only a matter of time.

*inhales deeply*

I met my mom for lunch today. I talked up a storm about Lovie and how she survived 6 days of diarrhea and the worst case of diaper rash. And then my mom nonchalantly told me that she thinks Oma is getting pneumonia.

Surprisingly I didn't cry.

Of course now as I type this... it's a whole other story.