I was blogging to my baby at the time, with the hopes of turning the blog into a book to give to the baby one day. Here’s the entry from that day... the day I didn't think I would get through:
Apparently, it's time for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet little angel. Apparently our time together wasn't meant to be but for a little while. Still, I want you to know, that I loved you from the moment I found out you were in there.
You were created by your daddy and me because we wanted you. Desperately. But it just wasn't meant to be this time around.
We were both very confident going into tonight's appointment; we just knew that everything was going to be OK. We both had smiles on our faces and talked of nothing but positive things.
But I should've thought differently when I noticed that the ultrasound room was open. Instead I looked at your daddy and told him how awesome it would be if we did indeed get a third ultrasound in less than a week and if this time we saw the heart beat. I looked at him and he had a huge smile on his face.
"Wouldn't it be awesome?" I asked again.
Still smiling he said, "We'll high five one another."
A minute later the receptionist asked me to pee in a cup and a minute after that we were being told that the results from Saturday's blood test didn't look good - there was no increase in hCG. The doctor, himself, wanted to do an ultra sound.
We should've known for sure at that moment what was happening, but daddy and I kept our chins up high and believed everything would be OK.
But it wasn't, my sweet angel. You stopped growing. In fact, somehow, you weren't as big as you were on Saturday and there was absolutely no sign of "life."
I managed to ask if there was no chance whatsoever for something to turn back around and the doctor said that in his experience, with all the pregnancies and losses he's seen, he was 100% certain I was suffering a missed abortion.
Basically, my sweet angel, you stopped growing for one reason or another, but you didn't want me to know right away. And as sick as this sounds, I'm glad I got to be your mommy for as long as I did. It was my absolute honor.
The next couple of days will be rough for me...for us, but we'll pull through this. It's going to be OK.
Besides, Daddy promises that we'll still get our high five one day, and I intend to hold him to that promise.
I changed my mind... I'm not going to say good-bye, but rather good night.
Reading that again brings me to my knees. A part of my heart died that day. I honestly believe this. I have no idea how I drove home after that appointment (my husband met me with his car and we were an hour from home). The tears wouldn’t stop flowing. My gut wouldn’t stop aching.
The next morning, my husband drove me to the hospital and I had a D&C (surgery) and the next 9 months were some of the most darkest days of my life. I’ve written all about it in another blog. It was my therapy- writing. Without it and my husband, I’m not really sure how I could’ve continued on day after day, month after month. Thank God I did – now – but living in the moment… it’s just something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
A part of me died that day… fortunately (today), it wasn't all of me.