finally Mom

Firstly, thanks for the kind comments on my last post. I feel hypocritical posting today- from work- after posting what I did last night but the main reason I, myself, blog is to get thoughts out of my head (and sometimes heart) and something happened this morning that I need to express (and posting on my blog isn’t as time consuming and doesn’t seem to slow down the damn network like visiting other blogs, sadly).


It’s my Lovie. She makes me so proud, she really, really does. Sometimes I find myself not liking that I’m proud, though… like, I feel that I should be more sad at times. Sad that she’s doing so awesomely well.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. I mean, who in their right mind is SAD when their child is doing well?!?

crappy cellphone pic from the other day at school...clearly
she wanted me to GTFO as she scoped out what she could
get into that didn't involve her old fart of a mother.

I can try to explain it but I think I need to cut to the chase before you think I’m completely off my rocker: Lovie likes her school. She likes her teachers, she likes her friends. And while this makes me so incredibly happy and proud of my sweet angel for being such a good girl, it makes me sad, too. A sick part of me almost wishes she would miss me more. Why isn’t she crying for me when I leave her? Why does she so easily go to her teachers when they call to her?

The other day when I was picking her up, I was trying to get her coat on and she was more interested in still playing. One of the teachers started talking to her from a couple feet away and spread her arms out and told Lovie to go to her for a hug. And, with me standing right there, Lovie went and hugged this teacher.

Again, I’m really happy that this kind of trust has been built this past year and that Lovie likes it there so much. And I know very well that the reason she’s the way she is is because she knows very well how loved she is and that no matter what we’ll (her dad and I) always be there. I know we’ve spent all of her life (all 13.5 months of it) loving and doting and caring for her in a manner that has enabled her to be ok in certain situations without freaking out. I get that almost a full year of daycare has really helped her socialize and interact with other kids and some adults. That’s why it’s all OK. Those are things I think of when I get this weird feeling that she should be more upset when I leave her like some of the other kids are… because the fact is that she shouldn’t be more upset when I leave her. Not if she’s happy and healthy, not if we’ve been consistent with everything concerning her, not if she’s fully loved on, not if she gets all the attention from us at home... And all of this is, after all, what Lovie knows- and that’s why it’s so easy for her.

She started daycare at 2 months old. Barely. She was so insanely small. She still slept so much. She wasn’t able to sit and play. She just mainly laid there and slept or cried to be fed or to be changed. And the teachers she has today are the same ones that were there nearly a year ago (thankfully). This life of getting up insanely early Monday thru Friday and going to school while her parents are at work is normal to Lovie. That’s all she knows… but she also knows that I pick her up every single day. It’s always me. Always has been and, as far as I can see, always will be. And she knows that I will feed her dinner when we get home and that I will put her to bed. Sometimes dad makes it home in time, but usually not, sadly. She knows this though. It’s normal to her. She knows that when she gets her PJs on and I sing the song I made up over a year ago to the likes of a Christmas song to her that it’s bedtime. She knows that she shuts the light switch off and that when we lay her down and turn on her Seahorse, we’ll be walking out of the room and she is to go to sleep. This is normal to her. There’s not screaming or crying at bedtime in our house. That’s abnormal. She knows that weekends are spent with mommy and daddy playing and laughing and watching Wiggles videos and eating and napping and playing and laughing. This is normal for her. And I know this.

I know that our determination to be consistent with absolutely everything regarding Lovie has enabled her to be such an easy go lucky, adaptable, awesome kid. I really do believe this. Yes, some kids are “easier” than others from early on… but that’s not to say that the parents actions/reactions and attitudes don’t also have a role in this “easy” baby’s life! Lovie wasn’t always “easy”. She wasn’t one of those babies that slept 20 hours a day when she was born. In fact, I wondered where the hell that baby was when I was utterly exhausted day in and day out because of the hours when we couldn’t figure out why she was crying instead of sleeping like everyone elses kid was doing. (Oh and up until two short months ago, Miss Lovie did not sleep thru the night but for a handful of times.) But, we worked with our baby, worked with who she was and what she needed, and made decisions based on her and what she needed from us, and pretty much never swayed from those decisions- just adding to them.

So I totally get it all and I’m so appreciative that she’s turned out, so far, to be so awesome and adaptable and “easy”. I know it would break my heart to hear her scream like some of the other kids. She’s whined a couple times the past couple of months or so and it was really hard to hear and hard to shake once I left and came to work. So I totally get that I should be counting my lucky stars that she likes everyone so much and doesn’t cry because then what?!?

It’s just … hard sometimes.

It’s hard to watch your this little person you've created- this person whom you waited your whole life for, who is your whole life- walk up to someone else and let them scoop her up into their arms. And it’s hard to see that little lady not really react when I leave. Like she did earlier today when I dropped her off: She was all like OK ma, I’m here with my big friends and we’re gonna get down on some cheerios and then play so you can leave anytime you want and I’m all like Wah!

But she's good. She's happy and healthy and ... fucking awesome! And that's what is important and now I feel better. Because now, after writing all that out, I realize how silly it is of me to be sad that she’s HAPPY at school. My big girl. She doesn’t need me so much anymore… too bad for her, I’ll always be here (and/or there)! Even when she’s 13 and 16- and when she finally starts dating at 36. I’ll always be around in some way, shape, or form. So there, Lovie!! :D Take that, my little Chiquita banana!