September 28, 2010


Yes. I'm talking 1st Birthday already. Lovie'll be 9 months tomorrow, and I'm already thinking about her 1st birthday.

Truth be told, I've been thinking about it for quite some time. Some days I try not to think about it and just enjoy today because it really is going by in a flash. But more than not, I'm left here wondering about it. After all, what else is there to do at work? ;)

So a bit of a background- don't roll your eyes, this will be quick:
  • Lovie is our one and probably only child. I'm old, remember? And very tired
  • She's not Baptized or anything so we have NOT had any huge gathering since her birth
  • There are lots of family and friends who've never even met her even though we're all in the same vicinity
  • My parents are divorced and my dad isn't over this fact... even though it's been nearly 30 years already
  • Unless we make the gathering Lovie's Grandparents (and her one and only Great Grandparent) ONLY (or keep it just the three of us, which we'll do on her actual birthday regardless), we'd have to rent a place, which we're open to doing if need be
  • We live in Chicago. Lovie's birthday is end of December. Weather could be... who knows, really, but definitely not warm and sunny
OK so now check out the Poll over there on the left side of the page where Lovie's picture normally is and tell me what you think we should do. Please?

BaBa Baby

The other day I mentioned that I have another blog (private) to and for Lovie... here's another snippet (posted just moments ago):

I'm getting it down... just in case.

The past several days, I've noticed you saying "BaBa" very clearly when talking to me- or when you're upset (in the crib wanting out, on the changing table). I don't know what it was exactly but it dawned on me that I thought you were saying something- that "BaBa" meant something to you and not 'bottle' and not just sounds you were making.

You've been saying "Dada" and the like ("Dadadadada Dada Dadadadadadadada") since Father's Day, but we still don't think you mean Daddy when you say it (though there have been a handful of times lately when maybe that is what you mean). But this BaBa??

I suspect it means... ME!! I think you're saying Mama only it's coming out BaBa because you haven't done any M sounds.

I could be totally wrong, but earlier today you woke at 445 and were crying out and BaBa could be heard. When I came in you were all smiles and clung to me like saran wrap not saying anything, not making any sounds. Then when I laid you down to change you, again you cried, "BaBa!" and looked right at me. I calmly and softly told you I loved you and you looked at me and smiled- like I figured it out and you were happy I had done so.

Of course I could be DREAMING all this in my head, and be way off... and if I am, so be it. But, just in case we come to discover that BaBa is
Love you!

So I'm totally dreaming, aren't I? There's no way my 9 month old (tomorrow) is talking already, is there? I mean, yes, she does say Kitty Cat (not including the K, C, T) whenever she sees either cat and she's been making other sounds and babbles for months and months but this BaBa?? I'm dreaming, right?

September 27, 2010

Monday Minute

This is my first Monday Minute (and this is the first one with a new host apparently- go figure!).

(1) What’s the last restaurant you went to and what did you order?
We actually just went to a place called Fiddlehead Cafe. My cousins were visiting yesterday and one of them treated us to lunch for my birthday (earlier this month). I got a burger and fries- but of course.
(2) What's your greatest phobia?
I would have to say my greatest fear has something to do with losing my Lovie. I don't think like that often, but the thought has crossed my mind ("what if...") and nearly took my breath away.
(3) On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot are you?
Um, yeah... no. Not a hottie here. I'm fat and I'm old and oh so bloody tired all the time. I'll say I'm a 6 though because I've got pretty awesome hair (though it's graying fast and furiously) and pretty eyes and naturally plump lips.
(4) You just found out you (or your partner) are having a baby. What's your reaction?
Initial: OMG, NO.  I love my Lovie with all my heart and soul. She's absolutely everything to me. But I have no desire to ever be pregnant again, no desire to have another baby. Once I got used to the idea: I'm sure I'd get happy about it. No doubts, really. I love kids. I think they're all kinds of awesome and if I weren't so old and tired, I would definitely want gobs more I'm sure.
(5) You just won a free vacation to anywhere in the world. Where would you go?
Maine. I know that's probably lame to so many people but Maine used to be my dream place to go and then my husband took me there (7 years ago) and it was everything I imagined and more. So peaceful, so beautiful, so .. Maine.

September 23, 2010

Writer's Workshop: Not sure how I got through it.

July 29, 2008, a typical summer day with temperatures up in the 80s and the sun blaring down. It was the fourth doctor’s appointment in one week- four weeks after finding out my dreams of becoming a mother were coming true (after getting my first ever positive home pregnancy test). None of the visits were good up to this day, yet I still kept my chin up high and remained pretty positive about things.

I was blogging to my baby at the time, with the hopes of turning the blog into a book to give to the baby one day. Here’s the entry from that day... the day I didn't think I would get through:

Apparently, it's time for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet little angel. Apparently our time together wasn't meant to be but for a little while. Still, I want you to know, that I loved you from the moment I found out you were in there.

You were created by your daddy and me because we wanted you. Desperately. But it just wasn't meant to be this time around.

We were both very confident going into tonight's appointment; we just knew that everything was going to be OK. We both had smiles on our faces and talked of nothing but positive things.

But I should've thought differently when I noticed that the ultrasound room was open. Instead I looked at your daddy and told him how awesome it would be if we did indeed get a third ultrasound in less than a week and if this time we saw the heart beat. I looked at him and he had a huge smile on his face.

"Wouldn't it be awesome?" I asked again.

Still smiling he said, "We'll high five one another."

A minute later the receptionist asked me to pee in a cup and a minute after that we were being told that the results from Saturday's blood test didn't look good - there was no increase in hCG. The doctor, himself, wanted to do an ultra sound.

We should've known for sure at that moment what was happening, but daddy and I kept our chins up high and believed everything would be OK.

But it wasn't, my sweet angel. You stopped growing. In fact, somehow, you weren't as big as you were on Saturday and there was absolutely no sign of "life."

I managed to ask if there was no chance whatsoever for something to turn back around and the doctor said that in his experience, with all the pregnancies and losses he's seen, he was 100% certain I was suffering a missed abortion.

Basically, my sweet angel, you stopped growing for one reason or another, but you didn't want me to know right away. And as sick as this sounds, I'm glad I got to be your mommy for as long as I did. It was my absolute honor.

The next couple of days will be rough for me...for us, but we'll pull through this. It's going to be OK.

Besides, Daddy promises that we'll still get our high five one day, and I intend to hold him to that promise.

I changed my mind... I'm not going to say good-bye, but rather good night.


Reading that again brings me to my knees. A part of my heart died that day. I honestly believe this. I have no idea how I drove home after that appointment (my husband met me with his car and we were an hour from home). The tears wouldn’t stop flowing. My gut wouldn’t stop aching.

The next morning, my husband drove me to the hospital and I had a D&C (surgery) and the next 9 months were some of the most darkest days of my life. I’ve written all about it in another blog. It was my therapy- writing. Without it and my husband, I’m not really sure how I could’ve continued on day after day, month after month. Thank God I did – now – but living in the moment… it’s just something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

A part of me died that day… fortunately (today), it wasn't all of me.

Mama's Losin' It

September 21, 2010

You got me!

I have another blog that's private written to and for my Lovie. The plan is to turn it into a book one day for her- much like I plan on doing (still) with my pregnancy blog.

I was just sitting here thinking of her (shocking, I know) and remembered to post something there before I forgot to do so yet again... something not so incredibly significant, yet very much so. I thought I'd share here, too. Maybe it will inspire someone to "note" something not so incredibly significant, yet very much so. Or maybe I just am so in love with my kid that I want to AW her awesomeness everywhere today. Whatever. Like it or don't. I personally love it.

I keep forgetting to come here and tell you- you're a funny kid! : ) No, really. As each day passes, the more and more you learn and do, and the more funny you become. And it's on purpose, too!

Case in point: for weeks now when we're playing, just you and I, you blow raspberries on me the way I've done since almost day 1 on your belly during diaper changes. I noticed it about a month ago when we were farting around on our (mommy and daddy's) bed. I would "get you" and hold you and kiss you and then pretend like I was eating you (not sure how really to put this into words- my voice drops though and I make Nom Nom Nom sounds really loud as I nuzzle into your little neck). And you always get all giggly and whatnot when I do that. Then I would let you go out of my grasp and you'd turn around and kind of lunge onto me. I'd fall back and yell "You got me!!" while laughing hysterically (because it really is that funny in the moment). And then one time when "You got me!!", my bare belly was showing and you put your face up to it and blew a raspberry, then looked up to me and our eyes met and yours were saying "haha I got you momma" and I started laughing so hard. : )

So now whenever we fart around like that you always, inevitably, end up "Getting me."

I can't even really put it into words how unbelievably awesome it is to be "Gotten" by you.

: )

Yesterday is another good example. You were playing on your bedroom floor and I wasn't feeling so hot so I was sitting in a chair. You crawled over to me and climbed up to me wanting me to pick you up. I, of course, obliged ever so willingly. I scooped you up and hugged you tight. 'My sweet baby doll.' You nuzzled into my neck and blew a raspberry!

You got me!! : )

September 17, 2010

Pillow talk

I think it may be time...

We've witnessed her using her Seahorse or one of her Grandma Bears as a pillow before...

We've witnessed her trying to use the bumper before, too...

But we've never found her this passed out on it.

I could just eat her up... how could she be *that* beautiful?!

I think it's time for my not-so-itty-bitty-anymore baby doll to get her first pillow. Wow. Do they even make baby pillows?

September 16, 2010

It's been a while since I've really bitched and moaned.

Hasn't it?


I'm really frustrated right now. It's 530PM and my doll is sleeping.

from yesterday/picture day, hence the "little black dress" (hehe)

I picked her up at 330 and was greeted with lots of smiles, hugs, and kisses. ::HEAVEN::  I see on her sheet that she had only one nap, but at least it was longer than her normal 30 minutes (at school) and clocked in at an hour and a half! Still, it was only one nap. And she woke at 5 this morning to a wet bed.

We get in the car and she falls asleep. To be expected. It's a long ass boring drive. I wish I could nap!

We get home and she's starving. I had one of her bottles in my crotch the whole ride home trying to warm it up (see, it sometimes comes in handy to be fat) so I feed her. She guzzles all 7 ounces in five minutes flat (I timed it).

Near the end of the bottle, she could barely keep her eyes open. God is she so incredibly beautiful!!

I hold her close to me and rub her back as I stand from the kitchen chair and walk slowly to her bedroom.

I sing her one of her songs softly and sway. She gets a bit restless in my arms and wants down.

I lay her in the crib, she rolls over and goes to sleep.

Just like that.

Dreamy, right? How lovely it must be to have a baby take naps or go to bed without any real fuss? 

Guess what?! I'd love her to fuss! I'm bitching right now because she does NOT fuss for naps or bedtime.

I'm bitching because I'm fucking ass tired of getting up at 5AM and quickly getting myself ready before waking Lovie at 530 so that we both can be out the door at 6... so that she can be at school when it opens at that I can be at work by 7... so that I can get her picked up for the day by 330... so that we could be home by that we could have 2 hours before bedtime together... all just so that she can nap until that bedtime. I'm tired of it. I MISS MY BABY.

At least if she fussed for naps or bedtime, there would some sort of interaction!

My lord, this is hard.

THIS is what is hard about being a parent, people. 

Not the shitty diapers, the 2 hours of sleep, the whining, the crying, the snotty nose.  That's all gravy compared to this.  Compared to missing your baby so much it makes your heart hurt and your eyes swell with tears.

And that's where I am.

It's been nearly seven months now that she's been going to daycare full time. I'm thinking this is the way things are gonna be from herein out. I'm thinking there's no real chance she's going to adapt to napping better there so that we have more awake time before bed. I'm thinking this is exactly what it's like to be a working fucking mom.

God does it suck so hardcore to be an adult sometimes.

I miss my baby so much. And she's just in the other room.

I could keep her awake you know. I could get her all riled up and excited and have her start chasing the cats and playing with toys. I'm sure I could get her excited enough to stay fully awake these two hours before bedtime... but that's not going to help her. She needs the sleep. Clearly.

UGH. I just miss her. I miss her so stinkin much!!

September 14, 2010


1.  "Light" string cheese is NASTY.
WTF? I didn't mean to buy Light. I had no idea there was such a thing and am a little concerned how they even make it "Light".

2.  Generic "Triscuit" crackers suck ass.
Much like Heinz Ketchup, I will never buy generic for these two products again.

September 13, 2010

Meetup Monday Minute

1. Decided to try a new blog hop thingmajig and the Meetup Monday:

snapped from my momma's cell phone yesterday
2. Am noticing that the older Lovie gets, the more active she is, the less pictures I snap. This revelation saddens me greatly. I've always envisioned taking picture after picture to capture absolutely all that I could- and then some (I'm the youngest of three and there aren't many pictures of me growing up so maybe this is why I thought I'd take a ton of pics??). But now that Lovie is doing her own thing, which oftentimes includes crawling up on me, it's just hard to snap anything worthwhile. I got a shitton of head shots over the weekend- but they're all of the back of her head or the top of her head. Oh well.

3. Lovie was rather clingy this weekend. So Saturday, while her daddy was out picking an awesome kitchen table and chair set and some shit from IKEA, I ended up getting down to Lovie;s level in the middle of her play room and acting like an 8.5 month old. And it was so much fucking fun. No, really! And then Lovie's face lit up like a Christmas Tree before she jumped on me and we started wrestling. Hehe. Fun, fun times. And just another reason why I don't understand parents who don't get down to their kids level to play with them at least once in a while.  It really does do a heart good.

4. For the first time in about five years, we finally have a kitchen table and chairs and sat down at them yesterday! It may sound silly and quite trivial, but wow was it nice. My momma came over to visit for a bit and we were all able to sit at the table to eat, to feed Lovie (she's eating SO much these days btw), and then after Lovie went down for a nap, we conversed. The three of us- me, hubs, my momma. Sitting around the kitchen table talking about whatever. Including how we were sitting around the kitchen table!

5. My right eye is crusty and oozy. I'm sick of it. I haven't worn *any* eye makeup (which used to be the *only* form of makeup I'd wear) in months because of it. I finally got my ass into the doctor's office the other day and he told me it was allergies and prescribed me not one, but two different eye drops. It's been like 5 days and there's no improvement. WTF?!

September 10, 2010

I've been really trying to avoid posting this.

I was really hoping things would get fixed and everything would go back to being wonderful... but they haven't.

My cousin's baby boy, six month old Tyler, had a liver transplant on August 31st. He's been having issues since the day he was born and has been fighting to live every day since.

He and his parents have been living at the Children's Hospital here for about a month now. Things were touch and go once the transplant took place but I guess now they are not looking so good again.  Tyler may need yet another surgery.

I'm in tears writing this. He's SIX MONTHS OLD. We have yet to meet the little guy. He and Lovie have yet to play together!  This should not be happening!

I'm not asking for anything other than a thought, a prayer, any little POSITIVE thing you can muster if you're reading this. Please. Just take one moment to send some positive energy Tyler's way.

September 9, 2010

Dance Dance...there goes the cat! *UPDATED*

I love just watching her ... be.


Lovie's PJ's are from Old Navy, the play table is from Fisher Price, and the mat is from COSTCO and comes HIGHLY recommended. It's not that big (the room in the video was intended for a dining room) so we started to place an industrial mat around it (also purchased from COSTCO for much cheaper than the play mat).

Linking up with the ever so cool Freckles and Fudge... because I can and because she cusses! :)

September 3, 2010

Happy Bday to Me!

Go Shorty!
It's your Birthday!
Gonna partay like it's your Birthday!
Drink Bacardi like it's your Birthday!...

Well Monday it is. Happy Labor Day to my momma, eh? :D

So far for my birthday I've...

*gotten a new driver's license
*found a dollar bill outside my car
*will be leaving work an hour early because of the holiday


What more can an aging quack want?

September 2, 2010



Just to prove how old I am: My license expires in 4 days on Labor Day, my really pushing 40 birthday. Gross.

I have to get to the DMV at some point between here and there. And I have to take the written and driving test again, I believe. Because I'm that old.

I mean, shit; I've been driving for over twenty years now. WHAT?!