April 5, 2013

where i'm at right now

This year - 2013 - has been a bit intense for me so far.

It started out with a certain someone turning into this three year old.

I've come to learn, accept, believe that most of her attitude the first couple of months is a result of us all getting back to normal, because the past month or so, she's been my sweet little lovebug again all the time instead of just a very small percentage of the time.

Of course I think a lot of it had to do with my lack of ... any and everything related to patience and energy, too. Oma was dying and it was really, really hard for me to come to terms with. I felt like I was mourning for months. Actually, that's exactly what was going on--I was mourning the loss of the absolute most amazing woman I'd ever known, yet she wasn't dead.

Do you know what that does to your head and heart?

It's been over a week now since she's passed and while I'm so very sad that I'll never be able to sit with her and see her smile, that sparkle in her eyes, it's all OK. She's finally in peace and she's back with my grandfather and her parents, whom I know she missed oh so dearly. The last couple of months with her have been so very difficult (for me to see, for her to live), but all so very wonderful, too.

Kinda messed up, eh?

I don't know. Maybe. But it is what it is. We're all going to die, yes, but knowing--really knowing--that it's "any day now" is ... interesting: The waiting is beyond horrific; the watching and wondering is heartbreaking to say the least. But taking advantage of every chance you have left with that person? That's gold. If you realize it prior to their passing, of course.

And I'm lucky enough to have realized it and I'm lucky enough to have been able to take full advantage of every chance I had to spend with Oma before she passed. So much so that I was the one who was there by her side for her last breath. A moment that was both the most horrific thing I've experienced as well as one of the most cathartic things.

Am I losing my mind here? How can one feel both horrified and free at the same time?

I haven't a clue but it's where I'm at right now--sad that Oma is gone, but feeling blessed to be alive with my girl by my side.


  1. It makes sense. I lost two dear friends the year T was born (both to cancer) and it was a wait/suffer situation with both. I'm sure it's a whole other feeling entirely when it's family, but the feelings make sense to me.

  2. I lost my neighbor who was like family-in her 80's a few weeks ago-I feel so old-so lonely that she isnt there. Just hug thatblittle one...they grow so fast beebeesworld

  3. It´s a normal but tough feeling. We all, including my Mom, waited for Mom to leave. Afterwards we cried, but also with relief. Wishing you strength.


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