desperation

Photo credit: Bérenger ZYLA / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

 

 

She’s got to be here somewhere.

“Mama? Mama?!!”

Who are all these people? Where’s my mommy?! What happened? Where am I? Oooh there she is… I thought. Oh where is my mommy?

 

"Mommy?!!"

 

 

 

 

hooking up with Trifecta again.

 

 

 

praying... begging for peace

The evening news ended and my grandfather, 90, was walking from the bathroom to the bedroom to get some rest. My grandmother (Oma) was knitting in the living room and still watching TV. Their eyes met. He smiled at her, waved, and blew her a kiss—his way of saying good-night. Thirty seconds later, Oma heard a disturbingly loud thump in the bedroom. She called out his name and ran into the bedroom to find him lying on the floor. She screamed out to my sleeping mother (who had moved in with them just one week prior and with whom my grandfather told he was glad she was there so that Oma wouldn’t be all alone) to call 9-1-1.

He was pronounced dead an hour later at the hospital.

It was such a shock to get the call from my mother in the middle of the night.

So many things ran through my mind and every inch of me screamed in aching pain.

My beloved, highly respected, very healthy grandfather was gone… just like that.

His death changed me, that’s for sure. And, I believe, it changed me for the better: it was then that I truly realized that life is a gift that can be taken from us at any moment.

 

That was seven years ago. Since his passing, I’ve really done my damndest to live each day to the fullest. Even during not-so-great times like after I miscarried in 2008.

But now… Oma is dying.

She’s been dying for several years now. A slow death thanks to Congestive Heart Failure (CHF). A gruesomely slow death to the absolute most giving, most nurturing, most loving woman you would ever meet.

My heart not only aches for her, it bleeds.

2013 has not been kind to her at all. She really didn’t think she would see Christmas 2012 and yet here we are in mid-March and she’s still breathing… barely.

She cries to my mother, her primary caregiver, asking why she can’t die. Why everyone else can die, but she can’t.

She’s literally skin and bones.

The CHF has her breathing through oxygen tubes 24/7. It’s also destroyed any ability to eat.

Witnessing all of this… supporting my mom as she cares for her dying mother 24/7… it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s downright cruel the way this is happening to her!

 

I’m not a religious person. I was raised Catholic but I haven’t practiced in a good 20 years. This is a time when I wish I did practice. Maybe then my prayers would be answered?

 

source

 

My prayers for peace.

I’m not wanting her to keep living. I’m not looking for a miracle here. I just want peace for her.

 

Dear God, Dear Universe, Dear Who/Whatever please give her peace. Please.

 

the empty chair

There's stuff I want to say here but just can't.

So much stuff.

But it's just too hard.

Instead...

this photo makes me smile so much.

It's a party Lovie created. My little 3-year-old set this table by herself for no real reason. She loves doing this kind of stuff. Always has. She's such a caretaker, this one. Always caring for her friends, and her dolls. Man, does she love her dolls.

It's not just her middle name that takes after my grandmother. It's her personality, too.

* smile *

My goodness, I'm truly so blessed.

No matter what happens and when, I'm so very blessed.

33 words: Stone

The gravestone—

purchased 30+ years ago after her parents’ burials

—has been waiting for her.

Her husband’s final date was added in 2005.

Her own expiration date will appear there soon.

In stone.

hooking up with the talented peeps of Trifecta again. constructive criticism always welcome.

oh cereal. how i love thee.

When it comes to cereal, I don't think I can really pinpoint a favorite.

I love cereal.

I could eat cereal morning, noon, and night.

I'm not even sure why exactly I love it so--the ease, the readily availability of it, the taste, the crunch--but I just know that I feel sorry for people who don't like cereal. In fact, I find people who dislike cereal to be a bit ... strange.

There is one cereal, however, that I cannot eat. It was a favorite of my older brother and sister growing up and I tried many times to eat it but I always ended up never being able to eat a full bowl, sometimes even getting sick from it: Cap'N Crunch.

Should be called Cap'N Gross if you ask me.

Even thinking about it now, I get the heebie jeebies. Didn't matter if they were the plain ones, the peanut butter ones, or the strawberry ones. They were all nasty to me and I wanted to cry anytime I saw a box of them in the pantry.

Other than those though, I love all cereals. I'm an equal opportunity cereal lover, if you will.

Now Lovie? Granted she's only 3 but her favorite cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. She's a lot like her mama, that one.

YUM!! NOW I WANT SOME CEREAL DAMMIT!



linking this up with Mama Kat, who's Losin' It.

Well shit.

Here it is.

This is exactly why I can't write. CLICK ME.

Thank you, dear friend, for letting me know it's going to be OK.

xoxo

Yesterday's nap

Snow day Angel

baby items still being used or talked about 3 years later

My very best friend in the whole wide world happens to also be my cousin. She's pregnant and due in June with her first. She wants to register for only the basics, so I thought I'd put together a list of must have's--from my perspective--for things to get for baby's arrival:

#1: The IKEA Gulliver crib. $99. One of the sides comes down when the child starts climbing out. Lovie still sleeps in this as we just took the side down several months back.

#2: The Miracle Blanket: $32. It's not called the Miracle Blanket for nothin'. Really. Babies love to be swaddled. They're swaddled when they're baking away so swaddle them when they're done baking. Makes sense to me. And this blanket will assure you get it right. We obviously don't still use it today, but think back on the early days with much gratitude towards this product.

#3: Noise machine. Not sure as it was a gift one Christmas before I was even pregnant. Still using!

#4: Little lamb swing. $85 though I got a huge deal. Regardless, it was worth every penny. I'm not sure how we would've gotten any sleep those first several months without it.

#5: The Tiny Love Classic Mobile. $35. Not only did Lovie adore this thing once we put it up, but she still has the music/night light part of it on her bed- and still uses it every single night.

#6: Diaper Genie. $30. You may think you'll take out the garbage every day and maybe you will, but there will be times this thing will become a godsend. 

#7: Expedit shelving unit. $140. This piece has been amazing for Lovie's room. You can put cube boxes in it or not. So much storage for any and everything. Awesome piece of furniture.

#8: Malm dresser. $70. We put a changing table pad atop and voila- dresser and changing table. Still using today as a dresser.

#9: Dr. Brown's Formula Mixer pitcher: $15. Dude. This thing. If you have to give formula, you want this thing to mix your formula in. Please believe me. It eliminates much of the bubbles and you can make a big batch at a time.

#10: Costco membership. $55 a year. This is a must to get their baby wipes, diapers, etc.

#11: Amazon mom and Prime Membership. $79 a year. Look for the free trial!! Worth every penny. Do the Subscribe and Save for Diapers!! We still use this today (not for diapers). You get free second day air on any Prime products. And there are a TON. LOVE LOVE LOVE Amazon.

#12: Infant car seat carrier cover. $25. Even if you're not in a car often (BFF lives in NYC), if you go for walks etc when it's cold, this thing is invaluable when they're little and still in an infant carrier. 

the fortress and bedtime

We've been watching a lot of Tangled in our house lately. So much so that not only do lines get repeated while watching it, but we often reenact scenes. And what better time to reenact than at bedtime? Because every little thing comes up at bedtime:

I gotta go potty.
Read me another book.
Tell me a story.
I need a bandage.
The colors won't stop looking at me. (the light from her closet?)
I need some water.
Why won't this work?
Daddy needs batteries for the Wiggles. (the CD in the car skips so she thinks it's low on batteries!)
What does Mama start with?
What does Greasestina start with? (she can't say Christina)

And on and on and on.

I know you feel my pain. And I know that I need to buck up and say good night and get the hell out of her room but, well, I'm just so tired by then and I know what will happen if I try to leave so I give in. I know... I KNOW... the put-the-child-back-into-bed-with-no-eye-contact-and-no-emotion-every-single-time-they-get-out-of-bed-no-matter-how-many-times-that-is thing will work after just a couple of nights of doing it but I'm just too tired to do it. That's the truth.

So I give in to the million requests, including the ones where I'm the nasty mean Mother from Tangled and my darling Princess is, of course, Rapunzel.

And in order to really reenact it all we need a tower, right? So what better tower than her bed? MAYBE IT WILL GET HER TO STAY IN HER BED!!

So the other night, I got some cheap Walmart blankets and thought about it and thought it: How can I get these up onto her bed and get them to stay without looking like total shit? And then things started coming together...

I took one long crib bumper and shorter one and tied them together (they were in her closet) and rigged them from one side of her open crib to the other side- across the top of the crib sides. Then I laid blankets over top. But how would they stay up when Lovie inevitably moved and jumped around?

I got some clothes pins (big package for $1 at the Dollar Tree) and pinned the back of the blankets so they had some weight. Then I taped the clothes pins to the rails of her crib with washi tape. Bada boom, bada big a fort was made!

Lovie adores it. She calls it a Fortress- or her tower if we're playing Tangled.

The first night... it didn't work. She kept coming out of bed and I asked her if she wanted me to take the fort down. She said yes to try to call my bluff but this Mama can be a Mother and took it down. Man was she pissed. I kept telling her I'd put it back up the next night and it would stay up as long as she wanted or as long as she STAYED IN BED at bedtime.

Last night... it worked. She stayed in bed.

We still had a millions stall tactics, but at least we didn't have to strap her down* into her bed to get her to finally settle down and go to sleep.




*That's a joke, people; we don't ever strap her down into the bed.