Favorite photo from February

there's so much i love about this photo- how she looks like she's walking the runway, for example, despite the fact that she was just turning around to show me her new pink tutu on Valentine's Day just after Daddy helped her put it on. but more than anything, i love the way she's absolutely glowing in this photo. pure joy, pure happiness. my heart explodes with love everytime i see this photo.

linking it up with The Paper Mama

Fierce and Forty, take one: The Gift

Another edition: TILTW

* As evidenced by the above photo, Lovie still adores pink and is still as cute as friggin ever. ;)

* I'm beginning to realize exactly how it is that all those parents I've seen tune out their kids, tune them out. It used to boggle my mind when a parent would blatantly ignore their screaming, whining, snotting, whatevering child while, in my head, I was screaming and shaking the Mom to TAKE CONTROL, ALREADY!  I mean, you know and have seen (or maybe have even been) the Mom in Target who is paying her tab with one kid in the cart screaming, one kid hanging on the outside of the cart pulling the kid inside the carts hair, and one kid on her hip crying for the goldfish crackers next to the cash register- all while never once even looking at the kids or telling them to STFU. After two years of parenting, I'm finally getting it now... they don't shut up sometimes! Hehe. When Lovie learns something new and cool to her (which is everything), she talks about it. NON STOP. Last week we stopped at the park but I told her that we had to play fast and leave soon because the sun was going down. Oh man did that open up a can of worms and discussion. And now, every morning and every afternoon during our car rides (and sometimes upon first waking in the morning), I hear "Sun goes down and it gets dark." "Sun goes down and it gets dark, Mama?"  "Sun goes down and it gets dark." "Sun goes down and it gets dark, Mama?" "Sun goes down and it gets dark." "Sun goes down and it gets dark, Mama?" "Sun goes down and it gets dark." "Sun goes down and it gets dark, Mama?" "Sun goes down and it gets dark." "Sun goes down and it gets dark, Mama?" "Sun goes down and it gets dark." "Sun goes down and it gets dark, Mama?"

* I'm fortunate enough that the husband and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting.

* I'm fortunate, period. And blessed. And oh so grateful. Every day... every.day. (On that note, I'd like to say thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts from last week's need for Peaceful thoughts for my friend who lost her mom a week ago. While her mom is finally at peace and no longer having to suffer from ALS, my friend is still, very understandably, in a lot of pain. So really, any Peaceful vibes you can muster are more than appreciated. And for those of us who are fortunate enough to still have our moms or a very special loved one, try to let them know your appreciation a little more this weekend. Be grateful.)

* I gave in and finally purchased Mixed Chicks* hair product for the Loviester. Today is day 6 since her hair has last been washed (she bathes much more often, don't fret), and it still looks great. The curls are much more ... curly than when we weren't using the Mixed Chicks product. So far so good.

* Amazon Prime* (I'm a "guest" of my husband's account) is SCARY. I have to remember that this is REAL MONEY I'm using! (It's also where I purchased the aforementioned- so I paid what MC charges but didn't pay for any S&H and got the product the next day!!)

* Tomorrow is the start of the Fierceness in 2012: my BFF/cousin is turning 40! And I'm so very excited. She's having a dinner party with champagne and cupcakes to follow. :) She's such an amazing, giving person. I'm so very lucky to have had her right by my side these past (almost... for me, at least) 40 years. The gift I'm giving her is a collection of memories from our past all piled into a reusable bag. I found the perfect card to go along with it all and I've written, from my heart, a little ditty about why I've chosen the gifts I've chosen... but mainly I was able to sum up my love and gratitude for her in one phrase which I've bolded in my little ditty: I pray that Lovie has a { BFF/Cousin's name } in her life. I know I'm going to cry tomorrow because I'm already getting verklempt thinking about it... it's just that this chica has always been such an incredibly giving person, always there to listen and give advice. She's one of the most self-less people I've ever encountered and it's more than time for her to find some true happiness and peace in her own life.

* Mixed Chicks and Amazon Prime don't know who I am and have no idea I'm writing about them or linking to them; these are simply my own personal opinions stated because I want to state them.

Still hate it.

One of my favorite photos from 2011 is one I took of Lovie in the dead of summer on July 31st. We were at the park. Yet again. She was on this piece of equipment that is in the shape of a large blue circle that spins, tilted, around and around. Above the spinning circle is a circular bar that also spins. Apparently this piece of equipment (seriously anyone know WTF I'm talking about?!) is for an adult or very tall child to utilize by standing on the blue, spinning, tilted circle/platform, while holding on to the circular bar (kind of looks like a steering wheel) above and spinning. Or something.

All I know for certain is my girl LOVES this thing. She flocks to it every time we go to the park. And if she happens to be on the swings or running around by the slides and sees someone else go to the blue spinning platform thing, she scrunches up her face, points to the blue spinning platform (WTF IS IT CALLED?!?), makes eye contact with me and cries out.

Ha!

Anyway, despite that photo being my favorite, despite the fact that I really do love seeing her play at the park, I still don't miss it... Summer. I still hate it. A lot. And I'm not looking forward to it either. The sweltering heat, the sticky humidity, the sweat moistening every inch (and there's a lot of inches people) of my body. YUCK!!

WW: Date night

Daddy had to work late so Lovie and I stopped off at Target for some shopping and then headed to the nearby Steak N Shake for dinner where a little someone charmed everyone in sight... so much so that some older lady asked to take her picture! I was so taken aback at the request that I allowed it but the more I thought about it, the more weird I thought it was. What would you have done?  The lady commented, while snapping a photo, that her daughter would love Lovie so I'm guessing the photo was to show her daughter but even so, it's just weird to me to take a picture of some stranger's kid- even if she is the cutest kid in the world. Oooh maybe the daughter is some fancy agent and we'll be getting a call today about how they need Lovie to be their next big star. But probably not since they have no info from me other than a photo of Lovie.

Be Grateful

When I was a kid, my mom and siblings would tell me that I complained a lot.

"Is that all you ever do? Complain?"

And I swear that made me complain even more.

But here's the thing: it's the only thing I was able to do that would get a response out of them. So I kept doing it. I know and understand all this now, but I didn't back then- and neither did they, apparently.

I'm not saying I don't still complain today, but I don't think I'm a Complainer. No, that would be my dad whom I really do love oh so dearly and who I, apparently, take after (according to mom who divorced him 30 years ago).

I spent many many years alone in my life. (Keep in mind, I'll be 40 this year, eh.) In my pre-teen years, I had very few friends (we moved a lot, I changed schools a lot). During my adolescent years that number was even less. I'm not exaggerating either. I was a loner, the Wallflower. Even during my 4 years at college (commuter college so I still lived at home) getting my Bachelor's, I still had very few friends. And no love life (not even close).

During those years, I spent a lot of time inside my head. Yes, I had a friend or two. Yes, I did things like go out to movies, dinner, concerts. With a friend or two. I even went to a party or two and a bar or a hundred in my time. But at the end of the day, until I met my now husband in 2000, my best friend was in my head. And on my plate, but that's a whole other story.

I think spending so much time alone, truly alone, has allowed me to really grasp some things about life... my life.  And I've learned a fuck of a lot, I think.

I'm not a perfect person in any way, shape, or form. I have so many faults it's ridiculous. But it's part of who I am. All of me. And while I don't love the size I am on the outside especially since it's getting harder to get down to Lovie's level to play, I do love who I am as a person on the inside. And at the end of the day, that's what matters the most because if I'm not in love with myself, then how can I fully love others around me and they me?

That's how I see it at least.

And I also see that I'm incredibly blessed. Life is far from perfect, but my little world is pretty damn near perfect. And I do my damndest to think about this every.single.day.

Of course there are some not-so-great moments, days, weeks... hell even years (fuck you most of the 1990's and 2008, specifically), but all those years I spent alone has really helped me move past the bad and focus on the good, focus on being grateful for what I do have.

Which is so stinkin much.

Awesome, huh?

But how do I teach this to my kid?

I know she's gonna complain because we all do. But I just hope she's not one to bitch and moan all the time.  "Life's so unfair!"   "Wah wah oh woe is me."

Again, I know we all do it. All of us. But how do I teach her that there's so much more than that? How do I teach her to focus on the good? To be grateful for what she does have?

I learned it a hard way, I think, and I have no fucking desire in this world for my daughter to repeat my life. I don't wish that kind of loneliness and emptiness on anyone (and I'm bloody well sure there's deeper and darker loneliness and emptiness out there today, sadly!).  Yes, in retrospect I am grateful for all those lonely days- because it's really helped me gain perspective today- but, nevertheless, I need for Lovie to learn another way. A better way.

I know part of it is to lead by example so I guess that's a great place to start... right?

expectations

Lovie's been taking a Gymnastics class ($) on Saturdays since the end of October. It's an excuse to get out of the house on the weekends and a great excuse to keep her active in the colder months.

The class is at a little kid gym place where there's lots of free play time with the different gym equipment (big exercise balls and smaller balls, a ball pit, trampoline, slides, stuff to climb, etc), but there's also some structured time as well. Early on in the hour, there is "circle time" where everyone sits in a big circle and says their name (or the parents do) and stretches and learns a new tumble for the week. Then there's free play, then there's some new equipment brought out that the kids go one one on with the teachers help (tumbling mat, hanging from the bar, etc). More free play. Etc, etc. Unless you go during and Open Gym class, they gear the classes to age groups and because we can only go on Saturdays, Lovie's in a class with 22 month olds- 3.5 year olds.

We went on Saturday like normal (we've only missed one or two classes and once was per Lovie's request- which was weird to us but whatevs). When we got there we took off our shoes and socks and went and played with the big exercise balls, bounced on the trampoline, etc. Daddy reminded Lovie that "circle time" was coming soon and that we'd have to join the circle soon. He did this several times because the past couple of classes, she's been making us sweat while we try keeping her in the circle. When it was time again for this week's "circle time" Lovie didn't want any part of it. Again. Sigh.

They don't require the kids to partake in circle time but I'm not sure why, we as parents who are paying for the class, wouldn't require the child to participate. I mean, why not just go to the playground if it's OK for the kid not to participate? That's how the hubs and I see it and I'm so SO grateful we're on the same page with these thoughts.

Lovie not only was trying to run free (again, normally I don't have a problem with her doing her own thing except that we're paying for this class and they're trying to teach and she needs to learn to listen even if she is only 2), she added screaming to the mix. (Coincidentally or not, during last week's class, there was a screaming child who didn't want to participate during any of the class when asked and her mom threatened they would leave but they never did and the child did as she pleased... and she's not alone; there are generally about 3 or 4 kids {out of 15-20} that are running around- so I totally understand why Lovie wants to as well.) So I immediately removed her from the circle to talk to her. She wanted a snack. I told her it wasn't snack time. I told her she could choose between going home or playing in the circle. She didn't say anything but stopped squirming so we made our way back into the circle and she started thrusting her body and screaming. I walked her right back out of the circle again and started to get her coat and shoes on. She fought it (all while DH was holding her) and said she would listen so I gave her one more shot at joining the circle. We made our way toward it just fine and just as we were about to join, she started screaming.

Lovie is truly not a screamer (thankyousweetlord).

I immediately removed her and handed her to the hubs who held her (still screaming and crying and jerking around) and talked very calmly to her while I wrestled to get her coat and shoes on (not enjoyable in the least and something I should've done the very first time around).

We left.

Lovie cried and screamed for 10 minutes at least. We calmly spoke to her through it all, assuring her that we loved her and that it was OK to play before and after the circle time and that we would try again next week.

Like I said, we've been going to this Gym for 4 months now. Lovie had her 2nd birthday party there. She loves it and talks about going and looks forward to going!

It sucks that no other parent really forces the issue with their kids so that she sees other kids playing while she's expected to listen. Of course she wants to play, too. She's 2 for crying out loud. But. She does need to learn to listen, too. And wait. And that she can't always have her way or what she wants the instant she wants it.

I know the teachers were surprised to see us leave. One of them quickly came over to us once they saw we got Lovie's shoes and coat on to ask if we were going. And I'm certain some of the parents there (or reading this) were probably bothered by the way we handled it- maybe thinking we're way too strict or something. Or maybe not. Maybe nobody even noticed we left since we removed the screaming child right away. I don't know. I don't really care to be honest. She's my kid. I'm her Mama. Yes she's just a kid. Yes she should have fun and play and explore. But she also has to learn things like listening and waiting and if we don't help show her how, then who will? And when?

Puddin' Cake

A while ago I wanted to make some kind of dessert to bring over to my mom and Oma's house... but I didn't want to measure or bake. I wanted easy. So I did some research and found Ice Box Cakes and made an Eclair one. I don't have the recipe anymore since it was insanely easy, but the other night I was in the mood for something sweet and made it again from memory.

For Lovie's sake, we call it Puddin' Cake.

You'll need:
1 box of graham crackers
1 box of vanilla instant pudding- the kind you add milk too and let chill.
1 container cool whip
2 cups milk (or however much the pudding package says!!)

What to do:

• In a 9x12ish pan or dish, put one layer of graham crackers to cover the entire bottom. Use whole pieces as much as possible and cover the whole bottom in one layer.
• Add the milk to the pudding mix and wisk till it thickens a bit (couple minutes).
• Add half the container of cool whip (I used the Lite version) and wisk in.
• Pour some of the pudding mixture atop the graham crackers and spread to cover all crackers.
• Add another layer of graham crackers atop the pudding.
• Pour more pudding mixture atop and spread.
• Add another layer of crackers.
• Pour the rest of the pudding mixture atop and spread.
• Add a final layer of crackers.
• Cover and chill in refrigerator overnight.
• The next day you can eat as is (my husband and daughter love it like this) or frost the top with chocolate frosting, cut, and enjoy chilled with some milk or coffee.

 It's sooo easy and really very tasty.

The Builder

hooking it up with The Paper Mama's photo challenge

Thing I've learned this week.

After 5 years of marriage (in vearly {very+early} June), 12 years together (in mid June), and 2+ years of motherhood, I'm finally becoming domesticated. Or something.

I know how to cook but I don't do it very often outside of weekend breakfasts (which I RULE I will admit). But over the weekend I had to cook something. So I made an awesome pork dish with some mashed potatoes and roasted broccoli. It was freaking awesome. And so were the leftovers. Mmmm.

Then last night... I made the eafatastiest (easiest+fastest+tastiest) dessert consisting of cool whip, vanilla pudding, and graham crackers. I cannot wait to dive into it tonight (I'll post more about it later).

*************************************

By now, we all know I've succumbed to the Pink Princess crap because of the outcome when I do succumb to it. Well now, Lovie is insisting on wearing her "Red Shoes" with every outfit. I stopped her yesterday from wearing Red with the Pink, but I'm not sure I can do it again.

Psst, I adore that outfit above. The sweater dress (Old Navy) was one I was eyeing last year and she's had it since September but she hasn't worn it much. Not sure why, really. But I freaking adore it. And paired with her jean jeggings and Red shoes?! I LOVE IT. But pairing the Red Shoes with her pink crap?? Ick. But you know what? If it makes her happy, so be it! Because her happiness is mine.

*************************************

There are moments in all of our lives when we experience tough times. I don't think anyone is exempt from that. And often during those tough times there's a lot of waiting: Waiting to finish school... to become an adult... to get married... to get that BFP.

Waiting can be the hardest part.

But when you have to sit by- day after day after day- and watch someone you love wither away to nothing...all while all you can do is watch and wait? That's beyond being the hardest part. It's downright cruel. It downright makes you really question so much. Oh so much. I would imagine.

A friend of mine has been doing this exact thing for too fucking long- Waiting. Waiting and watching as her mom, a mere 50-something, wastes away to nothing while ALS (Lou Gehrig's) disease takes her life away. It's disgusting that something like this exists. Disgusting.

My friend was told a couple days ago that her mom would finally find peace in the next couple of days. Her mom would find peace and maybe, after more time trying to finally and officially mourn the loss of her beloved mother, my friend could find some peace.

But she's still waiting.
Please, PLEASE pray for PEACE for these people.