Guess how much

If you don't have a Borders card, you should. Particularly if you have kids. Nothing steams me more than finding a parent who doesn't read to their child. Like my own brother, for example.

Gross.

So to help celebrate my brother's youngest sons 1st birthday coming up next month, I'm sending him a book. TO READ. And since the near-1 year old can't read, maybe his momma or papa will. Even though they actually pride themselves as being non-readers.

Tools.

Anyway... because I'm a Borders member and signed up to get emails - something else I'd highly encourage - I got a 40% off coupon good until tomorrow. So during my lunch break I headed over to Borders and picked up three sale priced board books (I didn't see this marked anywhere but apparently they are buy 2 get 1 free so score for me!!) for my Lovie and my brothers and the full price book that I chose to have the 40% coupon be applied to is one I've been wanting to get for a while: Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney.



If you haven't read it, you should.

If you have a child you should get it for them. Now. And then read it to them over and over again and you'll create a memory for a lifetime.

Want proof?

Well that same brother I mentioned above has an older son who will be 18 tomorrow. Without going into the sordid details, my brother and nephew haven't been in contact with one another for YEARS now.

Disgusting, I know.

I lived with my brother and said nephew when the boy was 4 until he was almost 9 (long story left for another day- maybe). I read to him every single night. And every single night, before going to bed we would tell each other, "I love you." And, because of Guess How Much I Love You (really, you must read it and get it for your child), we extended that to "I love you to the moon and back and more." (My nephew added "and more.")

And even though said nephew will be 18 tomorrow, my Facebook message today wishes him a Happy Birthday and it also says, "I love you- to the moon and back and more." Actually it says "I love you TTMABAM" because it's 2010 and that's what you do to long phrases.

So there you have it: Proof that every parent (or person desperately wanting to be a parent and/or acting as a parent) should read to their child.

Guess what I'll be reading to Lovie tonight? Hint: Not Goodnight Moon! ;)



2 more hours, baby doll...

I hate my guts!

Let me start from the beginning: I'm fat. Probably obese, to be honest.

When I knew that we would soon be ready to try and conceive a child, I went to my OBGYN and talked to him about a lot of stuff, including my weight. I was concerned that it, along with my age, might play a role in getting pregnant or not. He assured me that while it may have an impact, and that it would be best if I was at a lower weight, it didn't mean that I shouldn't try to get pregnant and have a baby. And when I did get pregnant and lost the baby, again I questioned him about my weight and again he assured me that it most likely was not the only reason I lost the baby (missed miscarriage) if it was even a reason at all. He urged me to keep trying to have a successful pregnancy if that's what I wanted to do.

So I did. And while I tried to lose weight in the meantime, it wasn't happening because I was very hurt, very angry, very bitter after my miscarriage- and, sadly, I tend to turn to food in times like that. Poor excuse? Absolutely, but it's the truth and I own it.

When I got pregnant with Lovie, again we talked about my weight and again he assured me that everything should be fine, that I should just make sure to take my prenatal vitamins and try to eat healthy. And let me just say that finding out I was pregnant (both times) was great incentive to eat better. And I did. In fact, I only ended up gaining like 10 pounds during my pregnancy with Lovie and after birth, was 20 pounds lighter than I was when I first got pregnant! HOLLA!!

Another reason I questioned my doctor so much about my weight and pregnancy is because I've read that larger women tend to have c-sections more often... And when I brought this up to him he assured me that he likes to do the opposite with heavier women. He likes to avoid c-sections at all costs regardless who his patient is, but especially if they are overweight.

Unfortunately, he wasn't on call the day I went into the hospital (induction)- December 27th. Nor was he on call the next day after my water broke. And when it came to start pushing (finally!!) at 10PM on December 28th, he still wasn't on call. So I pushed on the advice of another doctor in the practice whom I met twice prior - once being the week before induction when she urged me then to go with a c-section before even being induced.

Now, I wasn't one of these women who have this strict birth plan written down to be followed like the Bible. My main goal was to have a happy and healthy baby and my only Plan was to listen to what the doctors suggested I do to ensure that I get a happy and healthy baby. So when she told me to push, I pushed with a vengeance. I couldn't feel a thing (drugs!) but made sure to push as if I was trying to get a Mini Cooper out of me. I wanted to meet my Lovie more than anything in the world so that's all I focused on.

Two hours later, I stopped pushing. Lovie's head would start to crown and then as soon as I would take a breath, she'd slide back up the canal. That and every time I pushed, her heart rate dropped. So it was time to go get sliced open.

I was very upset. Not because I didn't want a c-section, not because it wasn't in my Bible Birth Plan, but because I was incredibly exhausted and hungry (I had gestational diabetes so hadn't been allowed anything more than water since 8PM on December 27th and it was just about to roll into December 29th!). Fortunately I fell asleep while they were getting everything ready (they took their time because Lovie's heart rate was fine as long as I wasn't pushing so this wasn't an "emergency" c-section) and once they rolled me into the operating room and laid me out like Jesus on the cross, Lovie was born shortly thereafter at 1:20 in the morning on December 29th.

Recovery was rough. I won't lie. It hurt like hell just going home in the car...and I don't even want to think about how I got up the stairs into our apartment!

Anyway, ever since the surgery, my guts have hurt. And I swear they must've put things back in wrong or something because stuff just doesn't digest the way it used to!! So when I get my period or food isn't digesting properly, man do I hate my guts! I have to blame it on the c-section, right?

4 months old!

This is taken from my Lovie's blog - a private blog documenting Lovie's life and my love for her, a blog which will be turned into a book and given to Lovie one day.

My dear [Lovie],

Today marks your 4th month here with us and for some reason today’s milestone leaves me quite emotional. Let’s be honest here, I’m generally a pretty emotional person to begin with – especially when it comes to you; but there’s just something about 4 months that’s hitting me kind of hard.

Maybe it’s that you’re officially no longer a Newborn… maybe it’s that you’re really growing into this amazing little person instead of just the cutest baby in the world… maybe it’s that I waited so long to have you and now that you’re here, time just seems to slip through my hands and I just want to cherish every single moment – yet here you are 4 months old already! Whatever the reasons for my emotional ride today, they are fantastic reasons because they all revolve around you, my love.

You’re really becoming such an amazing little person, [Lovie]. Every day we have these little chats and I swear you understand what I’m saying at times, and boy can’t I wait to start really understanding what you’re saying, too…Because you’re definitely saying a lot. And singing, too!

It’s really incredible to be witness of all this amazing growth of yours, to see all the wonderment in your world every single day – and not only to witness it but be such an integral part of it.

Your latest fascination is with your hands (still) and feet. You’ve been using your hands more and more with every passing day and lately you’re getting super close to really learning how to manipulate things with your hands. Often when you’re eating, your hands help hold the bottle. And if they’re not holding the bottle, they’re holding onto my hand (or a finger). The same thing is happening with toys and it couldn’t come at a better time because we’re pretty sure you’ve been teething and it will come in great convenience once you learn that your hands can help bring stuff you grasp to your mouth. I think my favorite thing you’ve been doing with your hands lately, is resting them onto my hand as if to hold my hand – particularly in the middle of the night when I’m saying goodnight or trying to soothe you. That, and when you bring your hands to my face. They are such incredibly sweet and tender moments and ones that really make me realize just how incredibly blessed I am to be YOUR mommy!

Your hands are also grabbing your feet and toes a lot lately, too. When laying on your back, you’re constantly throwing your legs up in the air to grab at and hold onto your feet and toes. It’s so stinkin’ cute! Soon, those feet will be in your mouth, I’m sure of it! And when we’re playing and “I’ve got your feet!” you giggle so much – especially when I pretend to eat your little piggies! :) So much fun we have!!

Another thing that you’re learning to master lately is sitting. Any time we’re playing or I’m reading to you or whatnot, you’re always trying to sit up straight which is why we got the Bumbo chair for you several weeks back. And boy do you like sitting in that… it turns you into a big girl and gives you a whole new perspective on your surroundings.

On the contrary, you also LOVE to stand. Of course we have to hold you up, but boy oh boy does your face light up with the biggest smiles when we hold you up and your feet hit the ground or our lap. “Look at the big girl!” I exclaim and it’s like we won the lottery!

And that’s exactly how I feel about you, my love bug. Like I’ve won the lottery. Life simply couldn’t be any better and it’s all because of you… and some days, I start to believe that you actually get that – how incredibly loved and cherished you are: You’re always looking for me when I’m not holding you and whenever our eyes meet, your face just lights up with a big smile. And my heart just swells and I just can’t help but to think, Yup, I won the lottery; after 37 years, I finally won the lottery and it comes in the shape of a 4 month old named [Lovie].

Happy 4 months, sweetheart.

if you have to ask...

Sometimes I'm left wanting to scream at people but then I realize they can't hear me through the computer.

And I'd probably get fired.

I spend far too much time online while working. I fully admit this. And because of this, I'm oftentimes reading some really stupid things (it's the internet after all) and my latest annoyance are the questions people ask:

Is it wrong if I...

-run outside naked?
-send hundreds of text messages to a guy I'd boink if I wasn't married?
-leave my newborn in the car with the doors locked while I run into the gas
station for smokes and a Red Bull?

Sure those may be silly examples, and not necessarily ones I've run across (though maybe they are... hmmmm), but my point is that lately I've seen this a lot and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs:

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK... ... ... ...

Clearly you know the answer to such a question ... OR YOU WOULDN'T ASK IT. You just want some other asshole to validate that you're not alone with what you want to do or think. But the truth of the matter is that Yes, It is Wrong but it doesn't matter because you're going to do it anyway.

OK. I'm all better now.

3 in 2

I'm battling a cold.

Ridiculous.

I've been back to work for 2 months (next week) and I've been sick three times and have gotten my period three times.

Is this the Universe's way of telling me something? I mean, I don't WANT to be at work so I'm not sure what the point could be.

Thank God Lovie's been OK - aside from having a stuffy nose since day three at daycare, which has since turned into a runny, snotty nose the past couple weeks. And holy hell can I not take those slimy stretchy boogers!!

Stinky, shitty diapers - ok.

Slimy, stretchy boogers - NASTY!

Heh, yet what I wouldn't do right now to be sitting trying to catch said slimy, stretchy booger from Lovie's tiny button nose instead of sitting here at work bitching about how I'm battling a cold whilst "working".


7 more hours love bug...

A year ago today

taken from my pregnancy blog:

I don't even know where to begin... a part of me feels sick to my stomach, a part of me wants to cry with joy, a part of me just doesn't believe it quite yet. But just in case it's true, I need to start this blog up today.

According to an online Due Date Calculator I found, I very well could be having a baby around January 1, 2010!

Right now, I have tears forming. Oh my God!

This isn't the first time I've been down this road... a road where we hope and pray that with every passing cycle, AF would skip town and I would be pregnant with our first child. Sadly, the first time we went down this road, I was blessed with four weeks of falling more and more in love with someone that I would never meet. Thursday will mark nine months since we had to say goodbye. It's been one of most trying roads I've ever traveled in my 36 years of life. And I pray to God that I don't have to go down that path again.

That said, you'd think that I would know the "rules" by now: A line is a line is a line is a line! The thing is that this has been such a crazy cycle (my temp took a dive for two days and I had four days of spotting). Plus the HPT I took this morning, just 2 and a half hours ago, had a very faint line and last time I got a very faint line, I ended up having to have a d and c four weeks later.

I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm .... everything right now.

I want this more than anything and I actually do feel like this is it: I'm pregnant and I'm having a New Year's baby.

Hahaha!! :)

A New Year's Baby! It's funny because as every month escaped and got closer and closer
to 2010, I started hoping that we could conceive in time for a 2010 baby - the first one of the year. And then when I checked the online
calculator and matched it to my chart, by God it very well could happen! Ha!

I told S just before I left this morning. He's still sleeping when I leave so I crawled in bed with the test and gave him smooches like I normally do and told him that I was trying not to get too excited but that I thought I was pregnant. He pried open an eye to look at me and gave me a hug. I told him the test was the cheapie Dollar Store test, and the line was extremely faint like the last time.

"Do you think this could be it?" I asked him.

"I always think there's a chance you could be pregnant," he answered.

I wiped the tears and told him I would continue to temp the next couple days and if it's still high, then I would test with a digital at the end of the week.

Dear God, please please please please please let our
dreams come true and grant us this amazing gift which we promise to take care of like no other.

And gloriously, that line on a pregnancy test turned into this miraculous beauty just 8 months and 2 days later:

My life has never been more complete.

I'm jealous of Michelle Duggar

I'm not kidding.

Bitch probably has had her period less times in the past 20 years than I've had this year alone!

I really hate Aunt Flo!

Post-free Weekends

I normally don't post on the weekends.

I'm usually... ehm, more like ALWAYS ... too occupied with a little someone who is the light of my life, my everything, my Lovie.


I mean, really. Blog or look at that face? Blog or watch her giggle? Blog or clean that cute little butt of hers? Even when she's napping, like right now, I normally lay next to her and watch her... in fact, that's where I'm headed right now.

Hope your weekend has been as glorious as mine. And if you have a wee one at home, I really can't imagine how couldn't be.


P.S. Aunt Flo arrived earlier. Whorebag.

Little Piggies

I guess I was wrong with my guesstimation the other day when saying Lovie's tootsies had a good foot or so before touching the floor whilst in her Jumperoo. As you can see from above, it's only a couple inches. ;)

I put her back in it yesterday (these pics are from day before though) and she really likes playing with the toys. And to keep her from just hanging there, I tuck a pillow under her feet.

Ack, I could just so easily nom on those little piggies!

6 hours 15 minutes, baby doll...

Lead by Example

Late yesterday I noticed something on my sister-in-law's Facebook. It was something I took offense to - and not in the way I think they think. Basically a picture was posted and the caption was quite stereotypical toward one race. This wasn't the first time she's joked around about stereotypes (ALWAYS toward black people). And while I haven't said anything to them directly in the past, I'm done holding my tongue now.

I'm not black, but my husband is and my daughter, therefore, is half black. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let my own family spew such ignorance. So I commented, basically stating what I just said and asking that they not get defensive but rather just move on and try not posting such comments in the future where I can see.

Of course that didn't go over well. I'm not sure what the fuck I was thinking. No, actually I do know what I was thinking. I was thinking about Lovie, like I always do. I was thinking that it's a fucking shame that in 2010, with a 1/2 black President, my own fucking family can't stop with the damn stereotypes. I was thinking that I need to come up with a plan - already - as to what to teach Lovie when it comes to racism and how to handle it. I was thinking that it's fucking RIDICULOUS that I have to think about this when she's not even 4 months old!

No, my SIL didn't use the "N word". No, she didn't come right and say something derogatory toward black people. But the innuendo was there and frankly I've put up with three years (that's how long they've been married) of their utter bullshit.

So after picking up Lovie from daycare (thanks for the big smiles baby doll) and getting home, I commented on the picture and then I closed out of the computer and played with Lovie, fed her, gave her a bath, and put her to bed.

My time is her time. My life is hers.

After Lovie was asleep and after eating some dinner I tried watching American Idol but ended up falling asleep. It was barely 8. I decided to just go ahead and go to bed but had to go to the bathroom first. So whilst sitting on the pot, I checked Facebook (stupid fangled technology allowing me to go online using my cell phone!) and saw the responses from my ignorant, white trash family (just my SIL and brother- I shouldn't say 'family' and insinuate that *all* my family is as ignorant as those two are).

I got pissed. I wanted to respond for them to actually READ what I wrote as I didn't see how Lovie being beautiful has a fucking thing to do with their stereotypes not affecting her. She's 1/2 black. If you're fucking throwing negative innuendos out there toward one specific race then guess what? Whether a person be cute or talented or rich or only 1/2 of that race makes no difference! You're still talking about them! DUMB FUCKING MORONS!

Needless to say I didn't sleep well. I was steaming. I tried not thinking about it but I just couldn't let it go. I kept thinking of my rebuttal.

Then the husband came to bed at 130am and Lovie started to cry at 2am. So I was awake. And I wanted to go on Facebook but I didn't. I just laid on the couch outside Lovie's room stewing. She started fussing again at 330 and when I went in to give her a binky, she looked at me.

The trust this innocent life has in me is just so incredible.

I gave her a binky and shhhh'd softly as my hand rested on her little chest and my finger stroked her soft cheek.

She just looked at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. Her hands wrapped around my hand and held me there as she sucked away on her Binky.

I nearly cried through my smile.

I love this little being so much. It's just all so incredible.

I do believe I would actually kill for her, which is kind of scary to think about.

I just want to protect her and hold her, but at the same time, I want her to see the world and all the beauty that does exist... like the big open sky and the leaves on the trees which she watches every morning as we walk to the car.

And that's all that matters when it comes down to it: Lovie... and her happiness and her innocence and her trust and her everything.

I cannot change anyone. I can only change myself. I can only be sure to represent someone that I hope Lovie will become one day. No, I don't want her to be me... but I want her to be a good, caring, loving, respectable, open-minded, giving, honorable person. So I need to be this person. I feel I am generally this person but I can't let anger and other people's ignorance get to me because I don't want it to get to Lovie when she's older.

Lead by example.

All that said, I decided to let it go and ignore my SIL and my brother's comments. Clearly nothing I say or do will change what they think, say, or do. That's all on them now.

(Ironic thing to this posts' ending, which wasn't planned and just happened - gotta love the written word at times, eh? - the picture that my SIL posted was of her teen son and the caption that got under my skin was his words apparently and she was just being "proud" - her words, not mine - of him. LEAD BY EXAMPLE, PEOPLE.)

SCORE! - or not.

Apparently, there are a couple - dare I say Benefits - to being a working mom. And most of them involve the internet.

Actually it all involves the internet.

I don't think that cherishing the time I do have with Lovie is a benefit to being a working mom because I'm here to scream it to the world if I need to: I love my daughter with everything I have, everything I am and even when I was home with her I cherished every friggin moment - from the screaming to the pooping to the cuddles to the smiles. EVERYTHING. I wasn't, nor will I ever be, one of those moms that wishes time would go by faster. I know you know who I'm talking about: The ones who are "bored" because they have a newborn who "sleeps all the time." You know, the ones who also bitch up a storm because those same "boring" newborns who were sleeping all the time, suddenly start waking every two hours at night... The ones who aren't really satisfied until their child has completely conformed to their life.

And if you happen to be one of those moms, I apologize if something I said or say might offend, but frankly, why did you have a child? I just will never understand the complaining (I mean, yes, even I've cried about being tired, for example, but not every day... and, of course, I'm not talking about postpartum depression either). What do people think happens when they have a child? I mean, REALLY. Or is that the problem? That a lot of people don't think about it - other than they want this little mini version of themselves to dress up and take places to show off like a trophy?!

Gross.

Oh my did I digress. My apologies.

Anyway. Back to the Benefits of being a working mom... at least one who has a desk job of sorts. The time I'm able to spend online while at work as opposed to when I'm home is incredible:

• The other week I figured out how to make the banner at the top of my page. All while at work. It's not perfect, but it'll do for me. And yes, that's mine and Lovie's hand. :)
• Today I ordered a cute (at least it better be once I get it) butterfly mobile I plan to put above Lovie's changing table... and I got it for almost half off. I also ordered, from a different website, 6 more pair of baby leggings since A) they're fucking cute (and poo on you if you don't think so), B) they're awesomely convenient for diaper changes, C) they were more than 1/2 off each (2 pair were actually 75% off!!).

SCORE!

But! While I'm proud of my purchases and enjoy being online, I'd trade it all in a heartbeat to be with Lovie right now. In.a.heartbeat.

Gah.

Never mind what I said about there being benefits to be a working mom. Nothing compares to holding my baby girl, to watching her discover new things, to comforting her when she's unhappy, to changing her stinky diapers, to feeding her empty tummy. NOTHING compares to the time one can spend with their child.

And now I'm in tears.

Three hours my little love bug... God give me the strength.

Hump Day

While it may be Hump Day for some, it's not for me. I doubt, at least. We've had The Sex one time since Lovie's been born... and whilst pregnant, had it twice. Yeah, I'm a little deprived but oh well. I just have no desire to do the deed at 2 in the morning when the hubs finally crawls his ass into bed. And I can't very well complain to him that he needs to come to bed sooner because he handles the midnight feeding which means I get more sleep.

And sleep, lets face it, trumps sex these days.

Oy.

I'm really that old.

So the raZberry Teether thingie I bought yesterday and was excited to get home to sanitize and then give to Lovie? Yeah... FAIL. Well, yesterday it was a fail at least. I don't think she was digging the fact that although it was like a pacifier, it was much larger. Here I thought she'd dig that and the fact that it has little nubbies on it to rub up in her mouth but I guess I was wrong. She took it and just let it fall out of her mouth every time.

We'll see how it goes today.

OMG, speaking of teething... it's impossible that she's teething from the top, right?!? I mean, everything I read says the bottom front two come in first but when she puts our finger in her mouth and chews, I swear we're feeling a little something on the top. This is just our imagination, right?

In the meantime, I'm still anxiously awaiting when those little hands of hers that grab at and hold mine to her little chest (love love love this!) start to grab and manipulate toys and stuff. She's SO close I can taste it. And I can't wait to see her face when it starts to happen for her.

Speaking of watching her reaction to things... the hubs went and got her a Jumperoo yesterday (and of course he had to spend $90 to get one brand spankin' new because Daddy's Girl has to have the shiniest and best!). So funny!! Lovie has definitely grown a lot over the past couple of months but when you see her in the Jumperoo she looks so tiny. And she's got a good foot or so (I suck at scoping out measurements) before her little tootsies can touch the floor!

It was late yesterday (of course) when he got it together and we put her in it, but hopefully today- assuming she takes another three hour nap at daycare- I can get some blankets and pillows under her so she can play in it for a couple minutes. I need to take some pics of her little tootsies though- and how far she's got before reaching the floor. Stinkin' cute.

It's tough having the cutest baby in the world, you know. ;)

Lunchping

So at lunch, I went shopping. Hence the title. Clever, I know.

Lovie's been teething, we think, and she's just not happy with her pacifiers and gets super frustrated at not being able to manipulate teething toys and stuff (like this ridiculously expensive teether I bought a month ago because it came so highly recommended- argh! still waiting for Lovie to even notice this damn thing!) so I did some research and went out and got her a teething binky of sorts. The raZberry teether.Doesn't it look ... scrumptious? I mean, I kinda wanna stick it in my own mouth and Nom Nom it!

I'm hoping it gives her some relief. Must go home and boil it before giving it to her (yes I'll wait till it's cooled off!) but I'm excited and optomistic that this $4.00 thing works instantly as opposed to that $15 one mentioned above!

I also picked up some more Boogie Wipes- which we LOVE and would even use for our own noses if they weren't $4.00 a pack. Poor Lovie's had a stuffy nose since, I kid you not, two days after starting daycare well over a month ago and her itty bitty cute as a button nose just can't handle anything but these wipes so THANK YOU to the creators of them!

I also got another sleep sack since we de-swaddled several weeks ago.

My Lovie. God I miss her so much... and it doesn't help that 4 people today have asked how she's doing.

One hour and fifteen minutes, my doll...

Hello Clear Skin!

My oh my how I've missed you Clear Skin!

At 30-something, you'd think I'd be OK with my skin... or at least know what products to use to be OK with it. And I was, I really really was.

Until I got knocked up.

Nearly as soon as the HPT indicated a positive, the red blemishes started to invade my face. It was quite frustrating because nothing would stop the hideousness that became my face. I tried cover up, I tried using the most gentlest of facial cleansers, I tried using just water, I tried moisturizing one day and going without the next... nothing worked. My face became that of a 15 year old. In fact, it was worse than when I was a teen (I was lucky, I admit).

But I was pregnant and that pregnancy turned into Lovie and that's all that mattered.

And now that Lovie's nearly 4 months old (how in the hell did THAT happen??!?!? WHEN did that happen?!??!!?), I see that Clear Skin is BACK! And I'm LOVING it!!

So Hello Clear Skin!! Welcome Back! I truly hope you stick around forever!

And thank you to my favorite products for making my rosacea-infested face more normal looking:

(these pads are just awesome! they leave my skin soooo soft and silky every day! and yes, gentle enough to use every day)

(I really like this moisturizer but only use it in the winter [I sweat a lot when it's warmer out] or when I start to see some red splotches)

(Love this under eye cream. Can't say enough about it other than my lack of wrinkles can be attributed to the daily use of this product, I believe)

Perfection

When it comes to my job, I'm perfect! And I can prove it...

When I took over this position several years back, I moved things into the current century and the amount of errors dropped dramatically. In fact after one year on the job, I had NO errors - and things continued like this year after year.

When I went on maternity leave, I was afraid that A) They'd figure out how little I do thereby depleting my job and/or B) that I'd come back to a hot mess.

Neither happened thank god.

But with every passing week, there's a new error that sprouts. And it can all stem back to when I was home with my Lovie and others were filling my shoes.

See, I am perfect.

15 minutes my darling...

Teething

Yesterday was an off day for my little Lovie. She's teething and it's becoming more and more evident- not only from the puddles of drool nearby wherever she may be, but also because she cannot stop chewing on her hands, my shirt (shoulder), etc!

Poor baby.

She's still too little to grab and manipulate things at the same time. She tries so hard but something still isn't connecting... so while she may be chewing on a teether for a minute, as soon as she moves or it moves, she starts to fuss.

And Lovie is not a fussy baby, normally. No really!!

She was happiest yesterday when I held her - but only if I held her so that her head looked over my shoulder... not because she needed to get into the action yesterday, but because she needed to be able to put her mouth on something and that something was my shoulder.

I swear I can still feel the wetness from her drool on my shoulder even though it's been an hour since I held her last!

She slept a lot yesterday, too. And that sucks ass because Saturday and Sundays are the days we look forward to most because there's no daycare for her and no work for us. The past weekends, I'd wake her if she slept more than four hours from the last time she ate... but yesterday was very different.

I'm guessing it's the teething.

She napped so much yesterday and when it was time to eat, she didn't eat much.

I really hope it's nothing more than the teething.

Last night when we put her to bed, she pretty much fell right to sleep. But then an hour later, she woke up crying and wouldn't stop crying. NOT normal Lovie behavior. The hubs tried changing her diaper and giving a frozen binky but she wouldn't have any of it. She just cried and that brought me to near tears.

I scooped her up and held her super tight to me and started singing "our song" (You are my sunshine) and rocked her while she gnawed on the shirt on my shoulder. After the song was over and she was quiet (about 6 minutes after I picked her up), I gently laid her back in her bed and gave her another frozen binky.

She went right back to sleep.

The husband took care of her midnight-ish feeding (he's a night owl) like normal and at about 3AM she started to fuss so I went in and gave her a Binky and she fell asleep for about 20 minutes before fussing again. I fed her at 4am, she didn't eat the whole thing, but seemed OK. After a couple minutes of holding her and letting her, once again, leave my shoulder all wet, I laid her down. She didn't want her binky. She laid there and gently talked to her hands for a while before drifting off to sleep.

Before leaving for daycare and work, I had to wake her to get her dressed and she was a little fussier than her normal smiley self. I was going to let her sleep in the car seat when I dropped her off at daycare, but she woke when I took off her hat, so I scooped her up to say goodbye (kills me!) and held her for a few minutes... when I gave her to the teacher, I saw she left me a present of a huge wet spot on my shoulder again.

I hope she'll be OK at school. I told the morning teacher that she was a little more fussier and more clingy than normal- most likely because of teething- so hopefully they'll be able to find some time to coddle her a bit today.

My poor baby.

I absolutely hate having to be away from her on a day like this... it's one thing when I know she's having fun and learning and growing, but to know that she's not feeling well and letting someone else try to make her feel better.. UGH!

nappies

Once again, it's been a long week. It just doesn't seem to go by as fast as it does when I'm with Lovie all day.

Sigh.

Every day this week, I've been holding her when we get home from work/school. She's ALWAYS asleep when we get home and because I really do think she needs the sleep, I let her sleep in the car seat while I log the times that she ate and the quantities and get a few other things done. Then, I'll carefully get her out of the car seat and just hold her... and all week she's been letting me do this and just continues to sleep on my chest as scrunched up as she can get.

It's not like it used to be though.

When she was younger, she'd scrunch up on me and fit perfectly on me - her body would lay on my stomach under my huge boobs, and she'd use those as a pillow. Now, she still tries to scrunch up but her legs often fall and hang in my lap and her arms drape across my neck while she uses my neck as a pillow.

She's grown SO much.

I love when she sleeps on me. I love that I can provide that comfort for her... something I hope I can always do for her.

AWFUL weekend

I made frozen pizza Friday night and ate most of it within a couple hours leaving one and a half pieces which the husband finished off near midnight (he was doing his parents' taxes and out all night as a result).

The next morning, I fed Lovie and found myself running to the bathroom every hour. I couldn't hold her or play with her much; just kind of fed her and dumped her back into the crib while I ran to the bathroom and then back to bed.

The husband soon was doing the same... except by 10AM, I could hear the violence coming from the bathroom and it was coming out both ends for him (I was feeling nauseous the entire time but thankfully hadn't puked).

By 1PM, I was puking violently while we both kept racing to the bathroom and then back to bed and/or the couch. Poor Lovie was still in the crib. I called my mom in tears and she came out by 4PM (lives an hour and half away!) and stayed for several hours, playing with Lovie.

It was the worst day of my life. No matter how much I wanted to hold my baby girl and play with her, I couldn't. I just had no energy and what little energy I did have, I needed to use to go the bathroom.

But thanks to my mom, Lovie did get to smile and giggle some on Saturday!

Yesterday was better for the husband but I pretty much spent the entire day still running to the bathroom. Today, it's the same thing. Nothing will stay down, yet I'm still here at work.

I'm never having Red Baron frozen pizza again. Ever.

For Serious!

Another day ... another whole lot of nothing.

Ugh.

Oh but that's not entirely true.

Earlier this morning I did some actual work that took up about 15 minutes of my time.

Yes, I'm being serious.

Then at lunch I drove over to Babies R Us with my coupon in hand (25% off all clothes and shoes that can fit in a reusable tote bag they hand out upon entering) and spent $86 while saving $82 (Hells yeah!).

And now I'm online yet again.

What I wouldn't do to scoop my Lovie up in my arms, toss her in a warm outfit, grab a blanket, and head out to the park!

You people have no friggin clue how ridiculously draining it is to do nothing for 8 hours a day!!

Yes, I'm being serious!

1 hour baby doll, 1 more hour left to this work week!

One is the loneliest number?

Lately I've been wondering if something is wrong with me...

I don't think I want to have another child. I think I'm perfectly content with just my Lovie.

But it's more than that. I can't seem to comprehend why some actually *want* more than one child. I mean, what difference does it make to me if someone else had 2, 3, 19 kids?! Who cares, right? But for some reason I do care and it does matter to me... but I have no clue why.

Maybe I'm trying to understand the purpose of having more than one child in the hopes that I, too, will want another?? Or maybe I'll feel more... human... if I understand it why I don't want another one.

But I don't get it and that makes me feel very ... ... I don't even know!!

I love Lovie so much. I've known for nearly 20 years now that I wanted to become a Mom and am so incredibly grateful to be one (finally)... so why stop now? Why not try to have another?

Gah, I don't know why!!

Maybe it's because it's only been 3 months since Lovie was born... maybe it's because I have to work (not a choice right now!) and I miss Lovie so much and can't imagine having to miss two babies this much... maybe it's because I'm selfish and am afraid that I couldn't possibly love another baby the way I love Lovie... maybe, maybe, maybe.

I just wish I had a reason- one that I believed- as to why I don't want another child... as to why I cringe when I hear someones pregnant again.

Because right now, all I know is that I really do not want another child. I just want Lovie.

1/2 hour baby girl!!

Sucky Schedule

5AM - alarm sounds

5-615AM - wake and shower or wake and feed Lovie if she's awake; change Lovie's diaper and get her dressed; get myself dressed while Lovie plays with daddy; get her bottles together and my bag together and get out the door by 615.

620-645AM - drive to McDonald's for large coffee (6 cream, 3 sugar); drive to daycare and drop off Lovie, hoping she'll be sleeping when I get there so I don't have to say goodbye to an awake Lovie (kills me).

645-7AM - drive to work

7-315PM - "work"

315-330PM - drive to daycare and pick up Lovie and fall more madly in love with her as her face lights up when she sees me.

345-430/5PM - drive home in city rush hour traffic, singing to Lovie if she gets fussy but usually she just sleeps

445/5-630PM - play, talk, sing, laugh with Lovie if she's awake but she's usually napping :(

630-7PM - get Lovie ready for bed: bottle, bath (every other night), diaper change, pj's on, read bedtime stories, give hugs and kisses, turn on Seahorse, nighty-night Lovie!

730-9PM - eat dinner (take-out Mr brings home or delivery*); talk to/spend time with the Mr; clean bottles and prepare next days bottles; shit**; tidy up if there's energy to do so.

9PM - nighty night Mr

I'm lucky because Mr is a complete night owl (not me!) so he generally stays awake till around midnight so he's able to give Lovie a bottle when she wakes because she's still not sleeping thru the night. And if she doesn't wake before he's ready for bed, he'll wake her before he comes to bed so the past week I haven't had to wake at 3AM-ish to feed her because she's sleeping good, apparently.

*not sure how the hell we're ever going to lose the pounds we DESPERATELY need to since we don't cook... and it's not that we don't want to cook or know how to, it's more like WHEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO? Sorry, but I'm not about to give up the two measly hours I have with Lovie at the end of the day to cook. And Mr. doesn't get home until after 6 or 7 at night so I'm not about to wait to eat at 9PM! Not gonna happen!!

**sure feels like I have to even schedule my shits in!!

This schedule isn't a choice. I *have* to be here at work right now. We simply cannot afford for me to be home... but we will be looking at our budget this weekend to see what, if anything, we CAN do differently. I'm more than ready to ask to switch to Part Time. Clearly (um, this blog and my others?!) this position can be moved to part time. It will save the company money so why not? But I dare not bring it up until I know for sure we can hack it. Mr doesn't seem to think we can but I have to keep the hope alive... for Lovie. And for me. I just miss her sooo much.

2.5 hours Lovie...

I'm tired again.

Go figure.

Lovie slept great last night. I put her down at 7, she woke around 11 and Her Daddy fed her while I slept. Then at 130am Her Daddy came to bed and started with his obnoxiously loud snore-then-abruptly-stop-snoring-so-he-could-rub-off-his-face bullshit. It doesn't matter how many times I bitch to him about how ridiculously annoying it is to be woken up in the middle of the night because he's rubbing off his face in his sleep, he won't do anything about. It's only been 10 years, man. COME ON ALREADY!!

At about 2am I finally had had it. Try as I might to get him to roll back to his back or side instead of his stomach, he wouldn't budge. So I got up and went on the couch after looking in at my beautifully perfect Lovie who's arms were spread out over her head.

I laid there trying to calm down for having to get up, for having my precious sleep disrupted and just as I started to drift, Lovie started to stir and fuss. It was about 3AM. I let her go at it for about 10 minutes before she got louder and louder and then fell silent for 10 minutes. Yay, my big girl is learning to soothe herself! I went back to lay on the couch and about 10 minutes later, she started fussing loudly again so I got up and gently put a Binky in her mouth and rubbed her head and belly. Her tiny eyes were closed and remained closed after the Binky went in her mouth. She fell back to sleep immediately so I went back on the couch, knowing very well that she would stir again in 20 minutes and I'd need to go warm a bottle.

I drifted off and dreamt that I was getting a manicure and the people wanted to charge me like $250 when it was all said and done and when I balked at the price, they said I could get the every day manicure for like $150. I wanted to balk and leave the room but felt stuck. And then my alarm went off and it was 5am!

Lovie didn't wake up after her 3 AM Binky. I was amazed and went to make sure she was OK and found her laying on her side so that her head was up against one side of the crib while her feet were against the other (!), Binky off to the side. I got a bottle together and stuck it in some hot water while I showered. She still wasn't awake when I was done, so I had to wake her. Boo. Not a fan of waking my sleeping baby doll!!

Yeah so anyway. I'm ass fucking tired again. And my fucking throat hurts again!! And this snatch down the hall is coughing up a lung.

Momma's not gonna be happy if she gets sick again!

Picture this

Here's something more I did yesterday... while - ahem - working.

Below is the After of one of my favorite pictures of

Lovie's hands holding onto her Daddy's fingers.

Below is the original picture which I thought was darling but would

be much cooler if the background were blurred out somehow.

I think I went a little too crazy on the blurring and blurred too much of the human outline but it's still kind of coolio. To me, of course. And really, that's all that matters! :P

Working mom Benefit

Oh my. I seemed to have discovered a benefit to working (aside from the obvious of being able to keep the electricity on and/or not having to live in a cardboard box in the alley)... Take a look up at the top of the page ::points to fancy new banner::.

*I* created that today. All by myself! Whoa, eh?!

I can hardly believe it myself.

And see the little pics of a baby holding someones finger? That's my Lovie's little perfect hand holding onto my finger and that was actually taken with my cell phone just this past (Easter) Sunday. (see original pic on left)

Yeah so apparently a "plus" to be a working mom is that I have time to work on pictures (I had a bitch of a time blurring the background of our hands) and banners for my blog.

Ridiculous, I know.

15 minutes my Lovie. 15 minutes and I'm out of here and on my way to get you and scoop you into my arms and smother you with kisses and hugs.

I hate today.

It's a shame, really. Over the weekend I was thinking about this blog and how I was thinking that the tone might finally turn around and be something more than just ugly bitterness. I thought that maybe my tone when I first started was a result of PMS and the onset of a horrible cold.

But then this morning happened and now I realize that my ugly bitterness isn't a result of PMS or not feeling well... it's a result of being a working mom who wants nothing more than to be at home with her Lovie!!

Last night was night #3 without Lovie being swaddled for the night and once again, it was a little more difficult than when she was swaddled. But that's not what I'm complaining about, actually. I mean yes, I'm ass fucking tired as a result of her waking at 2AM and not falling back asleep for a good hour or more (though she was content and not complaining but I'm a light sleeper so if she's awake, I am) and then waking again at 430 for the day (alarm is set for 5). But you add that tiredness to what happened when I dropped her off at daycare, and the start of today has turned me into that ugly bitter bitch again.

Lovie, who sleeps in the car on the way to daycare and generally remains sleeping until after I leave daycare to come to work, woke up before I left daycare. And Her Momma, who loves to snuggle with and smooch on her Lovie whenever she can, scooped Lovie up into her arms to say goodbye. Then Her Momma (me!!) gave Lovie to her teacher and as I stood in the doorway putting my shoes on, watched as the teacher, talking very sweetly to Lovie, laid her down onto a play mat and started playing with her... and Lovie, who is THE cutest child in the world (period!), smiled and cooed.

And I looked on and felt the tears rush to my eyes. So I left and came here to work.

I really hate today.

I know it sucks a little more today because it's Monday and because I just had two fun-filled days with my Lovie, but it sucks so much nonetheless.

Hate hate hate today.

Today's Wish

It's April 1, 2010.

My checking account is the lowest it's been since I opened it two bank names ago!!

My wish: I would absolutely LOVE it if my checking account balance was an April Fool's joke.