on turning three

December 29, 2012- 7:30 AM(ish):

she insisted on the bandage on her forehead, nothing is wrong.

After waking up to a room full of balloons, Lovie made her way into the living room where she was greeted by an unwrapped keyboard set up for her and one wrapped gift (new baby doll) on top. After playing the keyboard for a while, she wanted to watch TV. I was planning on making her favorite breakfast- pancakes- but she insisted I just sit and watch TV with her. Could she be any damn sweeter?

We left the house around 11:30 AM and drove slowly out to the burbs where her party was going to be held. I had to stop at Costco for the cake and water bottles and Taye and I ate Arby's in the car all while Lovie napped. I knew getting a brand new 3 year old in the car for a couple of hours was the only way she'd nap.

The party started at 2:30 and ended at 4:30.



this is my favorite collage- love some of the parents climbing OUT of the inflatables. :)



Such a fun, fun day.

 

Big shout out to PUMP IT UP for an amazing, amazing space and set up. We went from one jump house room to another before going into the party room to have cake and open presents. We were the only guests in each room during our time period and they brought in cake, etc, and set up all the presents, cut the cake, piled all the presents and belongings onto a cart, cleaned everything up... I mean, I just cannot say enough good things about this experience and I have a feeling we'll be jumping back over there in a year for her 4th birthday party.

 

New Year's Eve, 2012

The year is twenty-twelve...for another 14 hours or so, at least.

I never in my life dreamed of a day when I would be writing or thinking about the year 2012. That number is just so beyond cray cray to me. At least it was back when I was a little shit of a kid.

Yet here we are embarking on another year: 2013.

Mind blowing to me.

Seriously though, how lucky are we to be here today?!

Despite some horrible things happening to us, around us... we're still very lucky to be here today.

Some days can be so hard and trying and tiring but at the end of the day, it's so worth it. Because you had that day and, if you continue to be lucky, you'll have tomorrow, too.

I just feel so immensely blessed.

Every single day I feel so blessed.

It wasn't always like this- oh hell no it wasn't. I've spent most of my life enveloped in so much misery. But then when Lovie came into my life... it just all clicked for me. Everything in my life started making sense. Like really making sense.

When she was born, every single day was magic to me.

And it still is today.

I've spent some time this past year feeling guilty about my gratitude...like maybe I was just sugarcoating life for the sake of this blog (or Facebook or Twitter or our living room walls). But then I realized that that's just everyone else's possible perception and I'm not here to change that. Think what you want to think. Believe what you want to believe.

And if you're lucky enough, like me, you'll think and believe that life is absolutely amazing.



Amazing.

Happy and Healthy New Year!

***************************

Here's what stands out for me this past year (of course every single one of my posts stand out for me but yeah, these are some of my favorites me thinks):

The invasion of all things pink via
All That Matters
Pink Pink Pink and
Once Upon a Time Story

 

Plenty of Mom Sap oozed all about via

Dream Big

Soaking in Every Bit of It

Will She? and

Immeasurable*

 

Polly Perfect was all up in here via

Be Grateful and

Another Day

 

A Monster lurks within via

Not a Robot so a Bitch?

PMS: Day in the Life

RAGE

Sunshine

Normal

 

Shiz that tickled my funny bone via

Could Be Making Millions**

This is Why I Should've Used the Self Check-out and

Boating

Cray Cray

 

 

*really, really a favorite of mine

**really, really a favorite of mine particularly for the my artistic skillz

 

 

Happy and Healthy 2013!

three years ago at 1:20 in the morning

(taken from my journal written 12/30/2009)

12/29/09:
-shortly after midnight the decision for a c-section had been made and I was to "relax" until the anesthesiologist was ready to hook me up. I was absolutely miserable - very warm and very anxious. The more time they let me sit there and wait, the more I started to worry that something would go wrong. At this point it had been 16 hours since I could last feel my legs or anything and now they were about to make it so I couldn't feel my stomach either. I was drop dead tired and pissed off, to be frank. I feared that I would miss the birth of my baby because the whole thing had taken so long!

-about 12:30am, they finally wheel me away into the sterile surgery room and hook me up like Jesus onto a flat table. Drugs were being IV'd into me and soon I went from sweating to shivering.
For some reason I thought the surgery wouldn't take too long but it did and I tried so hard to stay awake. I was so tired though - and scared. DH sat by my side the whole time trying to make me smile. Finally after a near hour or so of laying there (or so it seemed in my head) with a big sheet hovering over me, people started to move about, peaking over the curtain and telling me that I'll feel some pressure but no pain, etc. Different voices saying different things. Pressure on one side and another. "It's going to feel like someone is sitting on your chest now," was one of the statements told to me.

-at 1:20AM I felt a tug and heard excitement in the various voices as the narrator of the event, the anaesthesiologist, told me they pulled her out. And she cried and screamed and ... my sweet Lovie was born unto us.
I had to lay there with the curtain enveloping me, while daddy was able to go see Lovie... and I later learned it was the most awesome experience for him - to meet his baby girl for the first time. Shortly after he met her, a nurse brought her over to me to see and my eyes met the most beautiful thing I have ever in my life seen.

My Lovie

Born December 29, 2009
1:20AM
7 lbs 12 oz
20 inches long

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY

TO THE MOST AWESOME,

MOST BEAUTIFUL,

SWEETEST LITTLE GIRL!

three years ago, 12/28

(taken from my journal written 12/30/2009)

12/28/09:
-7am Cervadil is taken out and another exam reveals more effacement and a softer cervix; they start the Pitocin

-contractions start to get stronger and stronger and closer together by around 9am

-at Noon I get up to pee and get into bed and as I situate myself into the uncomfortable bed, I feel a sort of twist inside on my right side near my lower abdominal area. I then feel like I wet the bed and this makes me start to freak out a bit. Surely my water couldn't be breaking just five hours after the Pitocin started! Something must be wrong with my sweetpea! DH calls the nurse and she's on break so her replacement comes in and at this point, I now feel the urgent urge to take a dump. This makes me freak out even more because I've heard time and time again how real labor pains feel like you have to push out the hugest poop ever - and that's what was happening to me... but again, surely it was too soon!
I try telling the nurse that I think maybe my water broke but had no clue - and that I had to really go to the bathroom. Apparently I wasn't very kind or maybe I was just freaking out a bit because the nurse, trying to remain calm and keep me calm, looked at me like I was crazy. She wanted to check and see if indeed my water had broken but I told her that I really needed to go to the bathroom. We went round and round for a hot minute. I have a feeling that while I did have the urgency to have a bowel movement, I was more freaked out that the whole "labor and delivery" thing was ACTUALLY happening. That, and I couldn't get all the I Didn't Know I was Pregnant shows I had seen out of my head where the moms end up giving birth to their babies in the toilet!
I finally calmed down enough to allow the nurse to ensure the water had broke and that's when my regular nurse came back in the room - and she did confirm that my water had broke and I was in active labor!
The contractions were fierce and scary. I was asked if I wanted an epidural and I immediately accepted. The room became incredibly warm and sweat dripped from every pore on my being as I clutched onto the nurse and rolled my back in position while listening to the doctor in charge of the epidural tell me not to move over and over again and again. The whole procedure took a good twenty or thirty minutes to complete (at least it did in my head), but once completed, life was good again. I felt NOTHING for hours to come.

-my cervix was checked a couple times in the hours to come and things were progressing nicely.

-finally around 9PM the doctor had come to see me to do an internal and I was 100% effaced and almost 100% dialated, but not quite there yet. She waited about an hour and in the meantime, I told them I was feeling quite nauseated to which they said "was good" as it would "help push" the baby out.

-around 9:30PM, after 28 hours without any solid food, I vomited for about 10 minutes straight

-around 10PM, the doc came back and I still wasn't quite 10 cm dialated but they decided to let me try and push and see what would happen.

-just before midnight, after two hours of pushing, the doctor urged me once again to have a c-section... this time because the baby's heart rate dropped every time I pushed. I assured everyone I was willing to keep trying to push her out but was wanting the best for the baby so opted for the c-section after a couple more minutes of pushing (apparently baby's head would start to come out and the doc would get a grip but as soon as I stopped pushing, the head popped back up inside the birth canal).

three years ago

Saturday, December 26, 2009 - week 39:

This is it, my love. This is my final pregnancy photo (posed to show growth progress at least).

This time tomorrow I'll be trying to relax and breath as I prepare to call the hospital to ensure there's a bed for me so that I can go in and get induced.

You should be in my arms sometime on Monday.

I can't wait. I really can't... but a part of me is a little sad, too. Sad because you will no longer be with me at absolute all times by default. But I know there is so much more greater and far more wonderful things to come, to witness, to revel in.

It really won't be long now, my love.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Sunday, December 27, 2009 - 2 hours:

I just called the hospital and they're looking good for tonight so we'll be leaving in about an hour or so to go to the hospital.

WOW.

I'm trying not to freak out too much but this is pretty big. I mean, this is it.

WOW.

Sometime tomorrow... we'll finally meet in person!!

WOW!!

Christmas recap

It astounds me that we're days shy from a brand new year.

It astounds me that we just celebrated our third Christmas with a child...our child.

Every day truly is a gift. Truly it is.

last minute gift

not only is it SUPER easy, quick to make, and pretty inexpensive, but it's damn tasty, too.

to You

Santa Claus lane

I haven't been able to scan in this year's photo on Santa's lap (we got one with her actually smiling) so this one below- with her inching her way toward the big guy- will have to do for now (no crying photos from my evil kid):

 

 

 

 

 

 

It

I haven't really been in a writing mood lately. Not sure if it's the worldly crap happening, not sure if it's that the world might come to an end on Friday, not sure if it's the holidays, not sure if it's that my baby is turning 3 in ten days and I'm in denial. Whatever the reason, I suspect (new) content here will be light through the duration of the month.

I suspect that will be the case everywhere. Hopefully people are spending lots of time with their loved ones. It sucks that tragic events put things in perspective for many people, but whatever. It is what it is.

For me, I finally discovered what It is all about over three years ago and I blogged about it on BlogHer back in February:

Hearing her say "Mama" makes me smile so dang much.

Granted she’s only 2 and I’m her entire world and since she’s my world, it works out wonderfully, but nevertheless, I can’t grow tired of hearing it. Even when she says it over and over (and over) again and doesn’t say anything else after I ask her to; even then my day is complete. Because I’m a Mom...her mom. And I’ve never been so happy in all my 39 years of life.

This is what it’s all about…For me, at least.

I didn’t always want to be a mom, though. As a product of divorce, I always told myself I would never have kids to avoid doing to them what my folks did to me. Then I grew up and started watching my siblings have kids, and started to really see the beauty and wonderment that is a child.

The innocence, the joy, the ... life.

When I was in my mid-20s, I lived with my brother and his little boy. My brother just divorced and really needed some help taking care of his boy. Since I vowed at a young age to never let a child hurt the way I hurt when my parents split and nobody communicated with me, I took on the responsibility with open arms. Pretty instantly, I fell madly in love with my then 4 year old nephew. He became everything to me; I loved that little boy so hard.

But I wasn’t his mom.

He had a mom and she wasn’t me. So after four years of living with him and treating him like my own, I made the gut-wrenching decision to leave my nephew and move out on my own in the hopes that I could find my way in life.

Shortly after that, I met my (now) husband and after 6 months of marriage (after 7 years together), we agreed it was time to try procreating. I was 35 and the clock was ticking so loud, it’s all I heard. Seven months from the time we started, I got a positive pregnancy test and was over the moon happy. Four weeks later I was in the hospital having my baby surgically removed. S/he stopped growing. And after my doctor assured me it was over, I opted to have the d&c rather than try to wait for things to end on their own.

For closure.

To move on faster.

But none of that happened.

I didn’t get closure; I got insomnia and an awful haircut because I needed a change. I got fatter from trying to eat away all the sadness that enveloped me. And when the sadness started to diminish, bitterness ruled. Every single place I turned stood a big pregnant belly or a snotty nosed cherubic face. The tears that streamed from my eyes and heart and soul during those darkest days of my life flowed so freely. It was hard to hide, hard to continue on; but I did just that because while those were the darkest days of my life, they were also some of the most enlightening for me: It’s when I realized that it wasn’t a baby I wanted, it was that I wanted to parent; I wanted to be a Mom.

I had to be a Mom.

A year and a half after that surgery, I was in the operating room having another surgery: a C-section (I was induced at 39.5 weeks because of gestational diabetes and while labor progressed and I pushed for two hours, I was told that my baby’s heart rate dropped with every push and a C-section was imminent after all.)

The absolute light of my life was born end of December 2009 and the moment I heard her cry and the laughter in the room erupt, my dreams finally came true.

I was a mom.

I AM a mom.

Sure I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a great aunt, a cousin, a friend; sure I work a full time job. But more than anything else in this world, I’m a Mom. A “Mama” to be precise. And it’s the most amazing thing in the world.