TILTW: 5.25-5.31

(It's been too long since I've done one of these)

On Sleeping: My girl could quite possibly pull an all-nighter already if I allowed, and, especially if TV is involved. I'm astounded at her ability to watch TV and stay awake. That said, she needs to sleep. We all do. And I've come to terms that she currently only will sleep 9 hours at night. I might try to cut out the nap but I'm afraid. She really needs more than 9 hours of sleep in a day. Not because of anything other than her crappy attitude and demeanor when she doesn't get a good 11 hours in a full day. So I've accepted (relented) that I need to lay with her on school nights in order for her to fall asleep. It's not ideal, but if it gets her to sleep within an hour of bedtime opposed to the minimum two hours we've been dealing with for months, I give. And the thing is, there will come a time--probably sooner rather than later--when she won't even want me in the room with her anymore, let alone lying on the floor telling her stories and singing songs while we hold hands and both fall asleep. She's my baby. Always will be. But she's growing so fast so may as well relish in these peaceful times.

On Learning: Earlier last week, Lovie spelled out S T O P. When I asked her what she spelled (whilst sitting at a stop sign), she said, "Stop." (We're city folk so she's seen plenty of stop signs.) As we drove on, I asked her to spell "Stop" again and she did: "S.T.O.P."  I asked her if she could spell her (real) name and she said no and continued to look out the window. She knows what letter her (real) name starts with but that's about it. Well, yesterday we left school and the skies opened up on us. Driving through a monsoon with a 3 year-old is fun times, oh yes it is. To keep myself calm and not get her fearful of the lightening striking near us, I started asking her to spell things again. She spelled Stop and then I asked her to spell her name. She started with the first letter but that's it (there are 7 letters in her real name, 3 syllables). I started spelling it in a sing-song way. Over and over. She started repeating it. And by the time we got home, she could spell her name. Also, by the time we got home, she could spell Mama and Dad. She's so proud of herself, as am I. She loves learning and proving that she's learning and that elates me. I got her this workbook for PreK kids and pulled it out when we got home. She started tracing the letters. This is SO the time I wish I could be at home with her more during the day. Being a working away from home mom won't stop me from doing these things with her, but I do wish there was more time for it. How thrilling it is to witness your child learn and grow at such a rapid speed. Bittersweet times.

On Growing: Lovie's 4T pants are starting to get short on her. They're way too big around her waist, especially now that she's in undies, but they're getting to be too short. Same with her 4T dresses. I'M NOT READY FOR SIZE 5 YET. I know it's just clothes but jeez kid, SLOW DOWN! Also, her feet. She was in a size 4 shoe forever. Then a 5 forever. Then a 6 forever. Then last year in the summer, she moved into a size 7. In the past two months, I've had to buy her new shoes- size 9!- and pack away a bunch of size 7 and 8's that she's barely worn, if at all! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN SO FAST?!

On Potty Training: I was always told she'll get it when she was ready. TRUTH. This chica doesn't even need night-time pullups anymore! She even gets up in the middle of the night to pee and goes right back to sleep. LIKE A PERSON!

On Rules: This chica seems to thrive on rules. The other week we went to the grocery store and I experienced the worst tantrum by her ever. Like I was shaking by the end of it as she sat in the car screaming and thrashing about, climbing her way into my hatch and banging on the back window as she shrieked, "LET ME OUT!" All because the store didn't have a kid shopping cart or a large racecar cart for her. All because she either had to walk with me to get the few items we were going for or ride in a regular cart. All because I couldn't magically get what she wanted to appear at that moment. I gave her a couple warnings that if she (the whining and actual crying) didn't settle down, we would have to leave. By the third warning, I had to make good on my promise and that's when she lost her mind. (I believe the entire "episode" lasted about an hour- from the time we got to the store, I got her out, I got myself into the car after calming down, and we got home and she got herself calmed down enough to go in the house.) NOW when we go anywhere, like a store, there are rules that are discussed even before we get there. During the drive, we'll talk about the rules: where we're going, why we're going there, the behavior that will and will not be tolerated. Honest to god, I haven't had a problem since. Granted, it's only been a couple of weeks but now anytime we go somewhere she will ask about the Rules. And she knows... she knows... I will follow through.

Guest Post: Technology, Family, the Workplace – 5 Tips for a Working Mom

Written by Kristin Steward

Many working mothers will say being separated from your children and family during the work day is often very difficult and is a sacrifice many mothers make today. Luckily, through technology, working moms can connect with their families during the time they are at work.

1.       Screensavers and wallpaper – Your child or children can be part of your workday when you create a screen saver or wallpaper for your work station or mobile phone. You can have a family night taking funny pictures to make a “workday release” slideshow for your screensaver and wallpaper.

2.       Digital picture frames – Having a slide show of all of your favorite photos, on the corner of your desk, can bring a smile to your face in even the most stressful of situations. From your family vacation to Walt Disney World, to movie nights, to baking cakes and attending baseball games, these photos can fill your digital picture frame with your favorite family memories. Depending on how many of your favorite family memories you want to have with you at the office, you can get different sizes and features on your frame.

3.       Custom iPhone cases – Any photo of your newborn, family pet and family can be incorporated into the design of your iPhone case. Shutterfly has great options where you can add multiple pictures to your iPhone case. This will remind you that inside are the first videos and photos you and your spouse took while you were creating all your family memories. Look at them on your break and share them with your friends at work. It will give you that boost to get you through the rest of the day.

4.       Videos – If your baby is in daycare, many have cameras where you may check in from time to time. If your kids are at home with a nanny, Mr. Mom, the grandparents, or a friend you can use Skype to say a quick hello over your lunch break. You can also use Dropcam or Apple’s FaceTime to check in on your family pet, kids, and even your sick hubby anytime throughout your hectic workday!

5.       Social Networks – Facebook and Twitter can allow instant interaction with friends and family. You can share photos, status updates and check in with your family while at work. As we all know, social networking can be very time consuming, so make sure your activity online it is not distracting you from your work at hand!

Only you know the emotions that tear at you when you have to leave your family for the work day. When you leave for work and think about the hours that stand between you and your cherished family time, a pang of longing may take over. Fortunately, you can now begin to utilize some of the tips listed above to enjoy your family throughout the whole day! I can tell you that they do help! 

Kristin Steward is a mom trying to fulfill a New Years resolution to write more. She can be found on Twitter @InstaMommy.

If you're interested in a Guest Post, drop me a line: finallymom@gmail.com.

Went to the pumpkin farm yesterday and had a blast.

A BLAST!

We fed giraffes carrot sticks and had their long-ass tongues envelope our hands while their gooey saliva trailed long after their heads poked back behind the fence.

We saw a dinosaur eating pumpkin that roared and... chomped on pumpkins.

We saw and fed a bunch of other animals.

Someone rode a pony for the first time ever.

We ran around and played on everything at least once.

After four hours, we went to get lunch and then someone passed out in the car.

And, last night, someone also slept her first night in a big girl bed (she climbed out three times the other night).

Happy Friday, Happy Weekend, Happy Fall Y'all.

a day in the life of (when we're home): The Listicle

It's Monday Listicles Day!

I'm playing a bit differently than the rest and presenting a day in the life of (when we're home). Today's Listicle is immediately followed by pictures with greater explanation... I hope you enjoy!

1.       Smiles and snuggles in bed

2.       Cheerios (and milk!)

3.       Glue sticks and crafting fun while listening to Christmas music (I'm not even exaggerating one bit when I say that Lovie sat in her chair the entire time we made our wreath! I never knew a glue stick could hold an almost 2 year old's attention even more than Team Umizoomi!)

4.       TV break

5.       Time to make some cookies and eat lunch

6.       Nap time

7.       Snuggles and TV

8.       Daddy’s home

9.       Tuna sandwiches and chips

10.   Bath and bedtime

In greater detail...

Bedtime Saturday night was a tad later than normal so Lovie didn't get up Sunday morning till Daddy got up to go to work at about 8 (this is completely abnormal- neither of us work weekends). He brought her in to me and she was all smiles. What a way to wake up! (Normally I get her up.) We snuggled in bed for about half an hour, watching Chica on Sprout TV. Then we got up, had some cheerios, and started our day as Daddy went to work. 

After daddy got home, we all had tuna sandwiches and chips, watched Team Umizoomi (while I played on the computer) and colored. Then daddy gave Lovie a bath and we got ready for bed (watched an episode of Ni Hao Kai Lan before retiring to Lovie's room and reading for about 15 minutes).

I'm not sure what I would do with myself if every day was as awesome as this.  We could go on walks, to the park, visit the old folks (my dad's retired, his parents are retired, my Oma is ailing). We could go to the library and book stores, out for coffee and hot chocolate. Or we could just stay home like we did this day and do a lot of nothing- yet oh so much!

Thank goodness I have work to snap me back into reality.

Seriously, thank goodness for days like yesterday. I take NONE of it for granted and I very well realize how lucky I do have it- to at least be blessed with such an amazing little girl who calls me Mama.

Reason #5646438

I'm not a fan of summer and I've never been one to hide my disdain toward it. All winter long when people moan and groan about how awfully cold and gray it is, I smile thinking At least I can sip some hot chocolate and put on an extra sweater and a pair of socks to get warmer. What about when it's blazing hot out?!?

Man I hate summer. I hate so much about it- the heat, the humidity, the bugs, the skinny bitches, the kids smelling like... kids who've been playing outside all day, etc etc.

Well yesterday was the 4th of July and here in the good ol' U S of A, it's a day to celebrate the red, white and blue. It's a day for good foods cooked out on the grill (cuz it's not hot enough out there with the beating down sun!), corn on the cob, ice cold watermelon (ok this one I'll give you summer fanatics- I do love me some watermelon and ice cream... can't ever forget the ice cream though my kid actually chose grapes over ice cream the other day, the little weirdo), fireworks when the sun goes down.

We had none of that planned.

We live in the city. In an apartment with very little outdoor space to grill let alone picnic with the damn mosquitoes, bees, and other buzzing tiny annoying creatures.

But it was the 4th of July, gosh darnit.

So I came up with a plan and as soon as Lovie went down for a nap with no fussing or fighting, I told the H about it: when she wakes, we're going to drive by the park to see if it's busy and if it's not, we're picking up some McDonald's and having ourselves a little picnic in the park (and if it is busy, we'll just eat out first and then go back to the park to play).

Lovie slept for nearly 3 hours (third day in a row, too!). When she woke, we got dressed and left. The park was empty. HOLLA! We picked up McDonald's and went back to the park and ate. Only Lovie didn't want to eat much. We were sitting with our backs to the sun and I suspect the sun was bothersome. It's ALWAYS bothersome to me but I didn't think a couple minutes would matter much. We moved farther from the playground area to where there was more cover. She still wouldn't eat much more than three fries and one chicken nugget (and my girl LOVES french fries and chicken nuggets).

We stayed for about an hour and when Lovie wasn't near us under shade, she just kind of stood around. No laughing, no squealing, no climbing all around... basically no Lovie behaviors displayed.

Finally she came up to me and laid in my arms and I knew we needed to leave. When we got home, minutes later, I stripped her down to her diaper and she felt SO warm. She had a friggin 103 fever! I felt SO friggin bad for her.

Here I was trying to put my hatred for summer to the side so that she could have a fun (well more so than just staying inside and playing with our boring asses) 4th of July and I ended up making her more sick! (I'm SURE the 85 degree temps and not a cloud in the sky sun made her temp rise.)

About an hour later, she puked.

My poor sweet baby doll.

She laid on one of us for the next couple hours before she finally started drinking some water and eating some crackers. Then it was bedtime and she went down without a word.

I went in to check on her every couple hours.

This morning she seemed OK but I kept her home and came in to work for a couple hours so that I could get some shit done that needs to get done. I'll be leaving soon though to be with her so that the H can go in to work as his work is more important than mine.

My heart aches so bad. I hated driving in without her. I hate not being with her right now.

And I'm blaming it all on Summer.

Because I can.

signs it's a Monday

• dread fills your being as the alarm sounds
• you wake before your baby
• you smell like fried food because cooking was actually done on the weekend when there's actual time to cook- and because the smell is left lingering on clothes that were are technically clean but just smell like they aren't (blech blech blech!)
• you leave daycare dropoff in tears- not because your child is upset (because she's not ever upset to be or go to school), but because you miss her so fucking much even though you just spent the past 48+ hours with her
• you think of reasons to leave work early as soon as you pull into a parking spot

Feel free to add your own.

commutes, schedules, laundry oh my!

As I was driving out to the burbs earlier to drop off Lovie at daycare and myself at work, I was listening to the radio and they were talking about some statistic stating that if your commute is over 45 minutes you're more likely to get divorced. They then had listeners call in to talk about if their commute is the biggest reason their relationship has issues.

This all got me to thinking about my commute, about my H's commute, about our schedules, etc.

When we first married in 2007 we were living in the H's apartment only 4 miles outside of downtown. The commute was fucking awful- especially in the summer or anytime there was any kind of inclement weather. Awful. The 25 miles I drove to get out to the burbs, to work, took me 45 minutes to an hour in the morning and an hour to two hours in the afternoon to come home. It was horrible. Disgusting. Repulsive. And I wasn't the hugest fan of the apartment and the neighbors so it just wasn't a great time.

Fortunately we moved in 2009 and that move brought us more north and about 8 miles outside of downtown. While it was only a difference of 4 or 5 miles, it was a pretty significant change in my commute which went from 45-60 mins in the morning to 30-45 minutes, and from 60-120 minutes in the afternoon coming home to 45-90 minutes.

Of course changing my work schedule also helped with the new commute times... I was working 830-445 and then, when my company became more open to change, I was able to work 730-345.

Currently, I work 7am to 315pm. (I did have a chance to change my schedule again once Lovie came along, but decided not to... it's been nearly a full year since I made that decision not to make that change and I'm really glad I didn't.) And currently my commute in the morning is 20-40 minutes to Lovie's school, an hour in total to get to work (includes leaving the house, stopping for coffee, dropping off Lovie), while the evenings are generally a lot worse- 10-15 minutes from work to Lovie's school, 20-90 minutes back home. I've done it in 20 minutes before but that's on a very rare and random day. Usually it's more like 30-45 minutes. Basically I leave work at 315 and we're always home by 5- including a stop off at the playground for 15 or 20 minutes!

A typical workday looks like this for me:

445am: alarm sounds, I shower and get ready but not dressed
530-545am:  wake up Lovie and get her dressed and bring her in to our bedroom to say Hi to sleeping daddy and watch some TV
545-6am:  get dressed, gather bags, Lovie, etc and out the door by 6
630-640am: drop off Lovie at daycare
7am: arrive at work
315pm:  leave work
330pm:  pick up Lovie from daycare... if weather permits we stop at the park; if weather does not permit we may stop at Target or something but that's rare
430-5pm: arrive home and get dinner ready for Lovie... while she eats, I tidy up kitchen
530-6:15pm: Lovie watches TV, I read on the couch with breaks for spurts of tickles and giggle fests
6:15-640pm: bath time
640-7pm: pjs, milk & snack, book and/or more TV (which means SNUGGLE TIME!)
7-715pm: lights out for Lovie
720-8pm:  the H and I eat dinner (he typically gets home around bath time on a good night, after Lovie's in bed on a bad night), watch TV.
830pm:  fall asleep on the couch
9pm: drag ass to bed

Truth be told, I'm okay with the schedule... as okay as I can be considering working is a necessity right now. Now that Lovie is older and finally able to handle just one nap at school a day, she's awake the whole time we're together and while I may read and she may watch TV for an hour of that time (usually more like half an hour), we're together, we snuggle, we giggle, we tickle, we talk (I love deciphering her words), etc.

Had I gone with the condensed work schedule that was offered, my commute time would probably double in the evening (or come close to doubling), I don't think we'd be able to stop off at the park because she'd be starving, and there would be even less time together before she had to go to bed!! Sure the condensed week would give me all of (every other) Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with her but... the stress it would add and the time it would take away from Lovie on the other work days just isn't worth it to me. And I thoroughly enjoy spending time playing with Lovie every day as opposed to just three days.

All I have to do is look at my H, who generally gets 10 to 20 minutes with Lovie awake before bedtime maybe three times a week and know that my schedule rocks (as much as full time working schedule can rock).

So when do we clean? When do we do laundry?

Ha. Well, household stuff is just not important to us... It's just not. I tidy the kitchen when Lovie eats (fortunately we have a dishwasher ... also, we don't really cook much during the week). I tidy the living room, if it's needed (we really don't have a lot of shit and neither of us save much crap- except for Lovie's stuff), when she watches TV. Garbage is taken out by the H when I beg or it stinks up the house or it's flowing over the bin. Laundry gets done on the weekends- as do the bathrooms. Sometimes we skip a week in cleaning- and still get by.  Fortunately we rent so there's no upkeep necessary of the outside (and really, I have NO idea how we'd add something more to take care of!).


So what about you? What kind of commute do you and/or your SO have? What are your schedules like? And how, HOW do you get it all done? Just please don't comment if you're able to do it all and add workouts and four course home cooked meals to your day as well! ; )  : D

During the workweek

It kills me that I can't feed my baby when she cries at 4am during the workweek.

It hurts my heart that she cries as I shower.

It makes me want to cry when I hand her off to her sleeping daddy so that he can give her a bottle as I continue to get ready for work.

But, what hurts the most is when she starts crying (after having stopped once I pick her up) because I leave the room... She just wants her momma to hold her. She just wants her momma to look down at her lovingly. She just wants her momma to kiss her head and tell her she's so incredibly beautiful. She just wants to snuggle into her momma's bosom. She just wants to feel loved by her momma.

And yet I have to walk out of the room during the workweek, and while she'll get over it and adapt, it still fucking sucks ass!

But regardless how it hurts, regardless how it sucks ass, I have to grin and bear it.

I have to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and allow her daddy to spend some alone time with her... and I have to be grateful for the life I do have. For the fact that I at least have my Lovie... for the fact that she does need me and want me... for the fact that I have her daddy in my life who can lend a hand if needed... for the fact that we live where we live, eat what we eat, do what what we do comfortably... for the fact that she won't know what it's like to buy with food stamps... for the fact that she won't know what it's like to have to boil water to take a bath because the gas bill wasn't paid.... for the fact that she's able to go to school every day and play and socialize and create art projects... for the fact that she knows how to socialize, thanks to preschool, at 15.5 months way better than her momma can at nearly 38.5 years.

life at work these days

so that i can get my fix whenever i want

one year

A year ago today, I started back to work from maternity leave. (I started this blog a couple days later.) I dropped my sweet baby girl off at her first full day at daycare and bawled the entire drive into work. The ugly cry, too. The one that you can’t stop no matter how hard you try. The one that produces tears and snot galore. The one that leaves you wanting to vomit.


When I got in to work, I sent out an email to my immediate coworkers asking that any communication be done via email as I was having a really hard time being back and wanted to avoid eye contact and talking. And then I hung up this picture on my cubicle wall:

It’s still hanging there, too. Along with dozens of other pictures of my lovebug from the past year.


Lots has changed since then- especially with Lovie. Of course. She’s grown so much and brings so many smiles to my face. It’s truly incredible. She’s truly incredible. And I’m so disgustingly blessed to have her.

Another significant change is that the bitterness (from having to be a working mom) that overwhelmed me a year ago has subsided a lot. Instead, I focus on Lovie and on my time with her. I get down on the floor and play with her every chance I can (at least once a day!) and watch as her face lights up as I do so. We play hard and laugh harder. We cuddle all the time and I constantly smother her with hugs and kisses. Nothing else matters when we’re together. The messy house, the emails, the telephone calls, the television shows… none of that matters when Lovie and I are both awake and together.

Thing is… I’m gonna be hella screwed in 12, 13 years when Lovie wants nothing to do with me! I just pray the upcoming years don’t fly by as fast as this past one has…

I caved

So I did it last night. I turned on the TV to Sprout specifically so that it could babysit Lovie.

not my pic, not my Lovie, not my TV. i mean, whose tv is that small?

Sigh.

Lovie and I got home and the first thing out of her mouth as we stood outside of the house was, “Pop Pop”. But I had to pee. Badly (again... ever since having her, I can’t hold my pee for nothin’. Really need to get to doing those damn kegals again!). She wasn’t happy with my immediate stop to the bathroom and decided to hand me all the tampons and pads in the drawer before she tried grabbing the Bitch Cat’s tail (we have two cats- one is a Bitch, one is Dumb). When I was done peeing, I realized I had to start on making something for dinner for her as heating up chicken nuggets or meatballs (both premade/packaged freezer items) wasn’t an option for a third night in a row. Plus her high chair was filthy as was her tray and I just knew I needed to get cracking before she started getting hungry in three minutes.

I gave Lovie a couple plastic containers to play with and a straw sippy cup of water. No. She wanted goldfish. Fine. It’s not like I still don’t have to vacuum the other Nemo’s so what’s a couple dozen more? I finally started to clean and she immediately started whining. I ignored and continued cleaning and she started reaching for the damn stove knobs and I said No three million times before I picked her up and, with her legs kicking wildly, moved her away from the stove.

The tears. Oh the tears.

None of this behavior surprised me. It’s not that she behaves this way every day because she doesn’t… unless she’s needing to sleep. And since yesterday was Wednesday and I was at work, she napped for a whopping one hour all day long whilst at daycare. Yippee Skippee to a one hour nap for an almost 14 month old that has to be up at 530 in the morning.

I knew putting her down for a nap was pointless as she was overtired and ready for actual bedtime and not just a nap. So she’d fight me on that and really, why make an already unhappy camper unhappier just to get her out of the kitchen. My poor lovebug!

So.

I did it. I caved.

I placed her on my hip (she immediately stopped crying of course) and walked down the hall and into the living room. I turned on the TV, turned it to 127, ensured that 127 was indeed Sprout, set her down and told her I’d be in the kitchen for a bit if she needed me.

I expected to hear whining and her little paws running after me but halfway down the hallway (it’s a long hallway- an office, two bathroom, and a bedroom are off of it!), I turned around and saw nothing.

I felt bad because I HATE HATE HATE when I see her get sucked into the TV. I hate it. I’ve kept it off all this time and she knows no shows or characters other than the Wiggles (from some videos we’ve watched on youtube). I hate the way the world around her ceases to exist once the TV has got ahold of her- and that’s why it’s very rarely on (notice I didn’t say never? that would just be rude and frankly, I’d have a breakdown without TV!). But, I really needed to get the kitchen in order and dinner made before she had a complete meltdown.

After several minutes without her and with dinner on the stove cooking, I quietly snuck into the living room and peeked around the corner and saw her just standing there watching the TV. I was glad she was OK, but I was sad she was sucked in as much as she was.

After a couple more minutes (during a boring adult commercial I suspect), she came in to the kitchen whining. I asked if she was hungry and she responded with an enthusiastic “mmmm” so I placed her in the high char, loaded up a plate with cheddar broccoli noodles (prepackaged- just add water, milk… though I also steamed some mixed veggies, blended those for a second and mixed it all in together), and girl went to town on dinner.

Afterward, we went to play. The TV was still on and it can be seen from her playroom which is off the living room (the couch separates the two). We played for all of five minutes before she noticed the TV and, like a friggin zombie, walked over to the TV and just stood there watching. I let her for a few minutes, hoping she’d come back to me to play but she didn’t. So I joined her and sat her in my lap for a few minutes before the next commercial.

Then I told her it was bath time and off we went to the bathroom to get that ready.

After bath, it was bedtime (6pm- cuz of that lousy nap), and she slept till 530 this morning.

All in all, she probably watched a total of half an hour’s worth of TV. And in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that much… except that she’s only awake and home for two hours.

every day

I may have to put her into daycare for 9 hours every day, Monday thru Friday.
I may feed her food that’s heated up from the freezer and that, more than not, is just regular food and NOT organic.
I may have given her chicken nuggets (a couple times) and a cheeseburger (once) from McDonald’s.
I may have allowed her to have French fries and cookies.
But.

Every day I love her more and more.
Every day I sit with her and play- on her level.
Every day I read to her.
Every day I kiss her, and tickle her, and hug her, and squeeze her, and smother her with affection.
Every day.

And today's every day couldn't come soon enough! (even though i feel like i could sleep for 90 hours straight and i'm coughing up a lung, again, i still cannot wait for today's every day to start)

Firstly, thanks for the kind comments on my last post. I feel hypocritical posting today- from work- after posting what I did last night but the main reason I, myself, blog is to get thoughts out of my head (and sometimes heart) and something happened this morning that I need to express (and posting on my blog isn’t as time consuming and doesn’t seem to slow down the damn network like visiting other blogs, sadly).


It’s my Lovie. She makes me so proud, she really, really does. Sometimes I find myself not liking that I’m proud, though… like, I feel that I should be more sad at times. Sad that she’s doing so awesomely well.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. I mean, who in their right mind is SAD when their child is doing well?!?

crappy cellphone pic from the other day at school...clearly
she wanted me to GTFO as she scoped out what she could
get into that didn't involve her old fart of a mother.

I can try to explain it but I think I need to cut to the chase before you think I’m completely off my rocker: Lovie likes her school. She likes her teachers, she likes her friends. And while this makes me so incredibly happy and proud of my sweet angel for being such a good girl, it makes me sad, too. A sick part of me almost wishes she would miss me more. Why isn’t she crying for me when I leave her? Why does she so easily go to her teachers when they call to her?

The other day when I was picking her up, I was trying to get her coat on and she was more interested in still playing. One of the teachers started talking to her from a couple feet away and spread her arms out and told Lovie to go to her for a hug. And, with me standing right there, Lovie went and hugged this teacher.

Again, I’m really happy that this kind of trust has been built this past year and that Lovie likes it there so much. And I know very well that the reason she’s the way she is is because she knows very well how loved she is and that no matter what we’ll (her dad and I) always be there. I know we’ve spent all of her life (all 13.5 months of it) loving and doting and caring for her in a manner that has enabled her to be ok in certain situations without freaking out. I get that almost a full year of daycare has really helped her socialize and interact with other kids and some adults. That’s why it’s all OK. Those are things I think of when I get this weird feeling that she should be more upset when I leave her like some of the other kids are… because the fact is that she shouldn’t be more upset when I leave her. Not if she’s happy and healthy, not if we’ve been consistent with everything concerning her, not if she’s fully loved on, not if she gets all the attention from us at home... And all of this is, after all, what Lovie knows- and that’s why it’s so easy for her.

She started daycare at 2 months old. Barely. She was so insanely small. She still slept so much. She wasn’t able to sit and play. She just mainly laid there and slept or cried to be fed or to be changed. And the teachers she has today are the same ones that were there nearly a year ago (thankfully). This life of getting up insanely early Monday thru Friday and going to school while her parents are at work is normal to Lovie. That’s all she knows… but she also knows that I pick her up every single day. It’s always me. Always has been and, as far as I can see, always will be. And she knows that I will feed her dinner when we get home and that I will put her to bed. Sometimes dad makes it home in time, but usually not, sadly. She knows this though. It’s normal to her. She knows that when she gets her PJs on and I sing the song I made up over a year ago to the likes of a Christmas song to her that it’s bedtime. She knows that she shuts the light switch off and that when we lay her down and turn on her Seahorse, we’ll be walking out of the room and she is to go to sleep. This is normal to her. There’s not screaming or crying at bedtime in our house. That’s abnormal. She knows that weekends are spent with mommy and daddy playing and laughing and watching Wiggles videos and eating and napping and playing and laughing. This is normal for her. And I know this.

I know that our determination to be consistent with absolutely everything regarding Lovie has enabled her to be such an easy go lucky, adaptable, awesome kid. I really do believe this. Yes, some kids are “easier” than others from early on… but that’s not to say that the parents actions/reactions and attitudes don’t also have a role in this “easy” baby’s life! Lovie wasn’t always “easy”. She wasn’t one of those babies that slept 20 hours a day when she was born. In fact, I wondered where the hell that baby was when I was utterly exhausted day in and day out because of the hours when we couldn’t figure out why she was crying instead of sleeping like everyone elses kid was doing. (Oh and up until two short months ago, Miss Lovie did not sleep thru the night but for a handful of times.) But, we worked with our baby, worked with who she was and what she needed, and made decisions based on her and what she needed from us, and pretty much never swayed from those decisions- just adding to them.

So I totally get it all and I’m so appreciative that she’s turned out, so far, to be so awesome and adaptable and “easy”. I know it would break my heart to hear her scream like some of the other kids. She’s whined a couple times the past couple of months or so and it was really hard to hear and hard to shake once I left and came to work. So I totally get that I should be counting my lucky stars that she likes everyone so much and doesn’t cry because then what?!?

It’s just … hard sometimes.

It’s hard to watch your this little person you've created- this person whom you waited your whole life for, who is your whole life- walk up to someone else and let them scoop her up into their arms. And it’s hard to see that little lady not really react when I leave. Like she did earlier today when I dropped her off: She was all like OK ma, I’m here with my big friends and we’re gonna get down on some cheerios and then play so you can leave anytime you want and I’m all like Wah!

But she's good. She's happy and healthy and ... fucking awesome! And that's what is important and now I feel better. Because now, after writing all that out, I realize how silly it is of me to be sad that she’s HAPPY at school. My big girl. She doesn’t need me so much anymore… too bad for her, I’ll always be here (and/or there)! Even when she’s 13 and 16- and when she finally starts dating at 36. I’ll always be around in some way, shape, or form. So there, Lovie!! :D Take that, my little Chiquita banana!

Soooooo

I'm having trouble viewing blogs at work. My computer there at work (I'm currently home- it's 643pm and Lovie's sleeping, after all) sucks ass. It's gotten out of hand, really. How insanely sloooooooooow everything is there. God I'm so sick of it. But. I need the job so I stick around and do my job.

Well, today I tried staying off the internet to see if things would move faster. They did. Shit. That means no blogging. I knew it was the blogs. Some of y'all have a shitton of crap going on on your blogs. Sometimes (for example) I get blogs that, when I go to close out of it, reopens in tab after tab after tab! It's crazy.

So it's for the best, folks.  Well, my best at least.

All that said, I understand if you want to unfollow me or whatever. I'll try my darndest to visit in the evenings but, well, I sit my ass in front a computer all friggin day long and the last thing I want to do is the same thing when I'm home.

And then there's my Lovie, of course. The absolute light of my life. If she's awake, I'm pretty much by her side playing, feeding, bathing, changing, wiping, tickling... you get the idea.

So yeah. I'll try to post when I can, and I'll try to visit when I can.  Sucks, too, cuz I just joined Twitter and was hoping to find new blogs that way (which I have) but I just can't do it when I'm at work.

Dear Lovie

My dear sweet baby doll,

Only half an hour left and I get to come get you. I get to watch your face light up once you’ve discovered I’m standing there, and I get to watch as you run to me. And then I get the honor of being able to scoop you up and into my arms and smother with you kisses!!

Oh how I can’t wait, my love. It’s been a long day and I’ve thought of you throughout it. I wondered if you would be in the Infant Room today or in the Toddler Room (TR) like yesterday.

You’re doing so well in the TR- all the teachers say so and it’s so obvious you love it; hopefully they won’t make you wait the 2 ½ months till your 15 months old to make the move permanent! This morning when the main entrance was frozen and we had to enter through the TR door and you ran to play with the balls, then got upset when I tried giving you a hug and kiss good-bye… that was more than enough proof that you’re ready to be in the TR full time. And I get it, I do… You’re a toddler. You’re a big girl. Your independence is growing by leaps and bounds. But do you really have to snub me that way?

It’s okay, lovebug. You made up for it within minutes when your eyes met mine as I stood by the door ready to leave. I smiled and waved bye bye and your face lit up like it does when I pick you up, and you ran to me the same way you do when I pick you up for the day… and I didn’t hesitate to scoop you up and smother you with kisses either.

Oh the love I have for you, child! I really do wish I could put it into words… but I can’t. I just can’t.

Just know that my love is there for you and with you, always. And every single day, it grows by leaps and bounds.

Xoxo,
Mama

focus

I'm pretty fortunate.

As much as I don't want to be at work (who does?), I've got it made pretty good here.

I had my review yesterday and I was a little afraid of what might be said because ever since Lovie's been born... I've changed. Quite a bit. And it's effecting my work life, too.

See, I don't really give a shit about anyone or anything- other than Lovie- anymore.

She's everything to me.

I realize how ... insane ... that may sound. So I'm hoping because I realize it's a little crazy- my absolute addiction to this child- that means I'm not really insane. KWIM? I mean, do crazy folk know they're crazy?

Yeah anyway, I've fucked up several times since coming back to work in early March. Several times. I went from never screwing up (seriously) to fucking up more than once. And that's costly for us.

You add that to the fact that things in the department have drastically changed and we don't make but half of what we used to and I'm really surprised I still have a job.

That's why I'm pretty fortunate.

Bossman happens to be a dad of 3 and he's one of those really involved dads... like, he's off on Halloween if it falls during the workweek.  I was hoping this would work well for me, and it has. Thankfully.

We talked about how it's been since being back and it's really the first time I've really thought about it and realized how much I've changed. (Of course I didn't tell him that I could give a rat's ass about what I do and if I fuck up. I mean, I don't like fucking up, but it's not like I'm saving lives here. There's really nothing to stress over. It's not like I can go back in time and fix what I broke.)  And admitting that out loud to him- that I've changed and "lost focus"??? That was some hard shit to say out loud to my Boss! I actually welled up! (But I'm a wuss so really that wasn't so shocking.)

But he was really cool about it... telling me that he understood, telling me that they were there to work with me, that they don't expect things to be perfect all the time, that we're all only human, that if I need to take time off (I have very little due to using it all during maternity leave) to let him know, etc.  I was really kind of touched.

Too bad I still don't give a rat's ass.

I just want my Lovie.

It's been a while since I've really bitched and moaned.

Hasn't it?

Whatever.

I'm really frustrated right now. It's 530PM and my doll is sleeping.

from yesterday/picture day, hence the "little black dress" (hehe)

I picked her up at 330 and was greeted with lots of smiles, hugs, and kisses. ::HEAVEN::  I see on her sheet that she had only one nap, but at least it was longer than her normal 30 minutes (at school) and clocked in at an hour and a half! Still, it was only one nap. And she woke at 5 this morning to a wet bed.

We get in the car and she falls asleep. To be expected. It's a long ass boring drive. I wish I could nap!

We get home and she's starving. I had one of her bottles in my crotch the whole ride home trying to warm it up (see, it sometimes comes in handy to be fat) so I feed her. She guzzles all 7 ounces in five minutes flat (I timed it).

Near the end of the bottle, she could barely keep her eyes open. God is she so incredibly beautiful!!

I hold her close to me and rub her back as I stand from the kitchen chair and walk slowly to her bedroom.

I sing her one of her songs softly and sway. She gets a bit restless in my arms and wants down.

I lay her in the crib, she rolls over and goes to sleep.

Just like that.

Dreamy, right? How lovely it must be to have a baby take naps or go to bed without any real fuss? 

Guess what?! I'd love her to fuss! I'm bitching right now because she does NOT fuss for naps or bedtime.

I'm bitching because I'm fucking ass tired of getting up at 5AM and quickly getting myself ready before waking Lovie at 530 so that we both can be out the door at 6... so that she can be at school when it opens at 630...so that I can be at work by 7... so that I can get her picked up for the day by 330... so that we could be home by 5...so that we could have 2 hours before bedtime together... all just so that she can nap until that bedtime. I'm tired of it. I MISS MY BABY.

At least if she fussed for naps or bedtime, there would some sort of interaction!

My lord, this is hard.

THIS is what is hard about being a parent, people. 

Not the shitty diapers, the 2 hours of sleep, the whining, the crying, the snotty nose.  That's all gravy compared to this.  Compared to missing your baby so much it makes your heart hurt and your eyes swell with tears.

And that's where I am.

It's been nearly seven months now that she's been going to daycare full time. I'm thinking this is the way things are gonna be from herein out. I'm thinking there's no real chance she's going to adapt to napping better there so that we have more awake time before bed. I'm thinking this is exactly what it's like to be a working fucking mom.

God does it suck so hardcore to be an adult sometimes.

I miss my baby so much. And she's just in the other room.

I could keep her awake you know. I could get her all riled up and excited and have her start chasing the cats and playing with toys. I'm sure I could get her excited enough to stay fully awake these two hours before bedtime... but that's not going to help her. She needs the sleep. Clearly.

UGH. I just miss her. I miss her so stinkin much!!

You take the good, you take the bad

So daycare (DC). Lovie goes to an independent center that’s actually a Preschool… they even having Kindergarten classrooms. This was an awesome plus when deciding to let Lovie attend the place because she wouldn’t be plopped in front of a tv (none there!) and all of the teachers are sure to have a higher education in early education so there are actual lesson plans- even in the infant room! Sure it’s more expensive than in-home care, but I sincerely feel that this is the best place for Lovie. She’s thrived and I really do attribute a lot of that to the care they provide. Plus, because we’re most likely on team One and Done, she gets the social interaction she most certainly wouldn’t get at home alone with me if we could afford me to stay home with her. (Please, please don’t tell me if we cut back on things and sacrifice here and there, I could be a SAHM. I can’t. Not now. I bring too much debt and a condo that can’t sell for what I owe into the big picture, so until things turn around with the economy, we both have to work full time.)

So for the most part, I really am grateful for Lovie’s DC. It’s been nearly five months now (next week- holy shit eh!) and I really like all of her teachers and even the babies in her room. But there’s one thing I don’t care for- and haven’t since nearly the beginning: Lovie naps like shit when she’s there.

See Lovie’s quite the observer and needs to be up in everyone’s business. It’s not that she has to be right there in the middle of whatever’s happening per say, but she does have to be able to at least see what’s going on. She’s always been like this- even from birth when she was pulled out of me… She wouldn’t scream for the doctors (I think her Agpar- or whatever it's called level- was like 5 or something because of this!!) because she was too busy looking around (true story!)! The doctors even had to zap her with this buzzer thing a couple times to get a cry out of her! I mean, what healthy baby doesn’t scream as soon as they’re set free from the warmth of the womb?!?

Anyway back to the lack of napping thing…I’m tired of picking her up from DC and her passing out as soon as we get in the car. I mean, yes, it’s great that she sleeps so easily in the car because the commute can be over an hour some days but it’s more than that. When we finally do get home, she still naps and naps and naps. Yesterday for example, she napped a total of ONE HOUR at school. She’s there for 9 hours! How is a one hour nap for a near 7 month old even acceptable?!

“She was feisty, today,” was the response I got regarding the one, 1-hour nap.

Grrr. I really try not to let it get to me but it’s just hard. I do understand it’s hard for them because she really does like to constantly be in the middle of everything but golly gee, maybe if her crib wasn’t RIGHT NEXT TO THE PLAY AREA, she might be able to close her eyes?!

I guess I just need to pull up my big girl panties and confront them once and for all and ask WHY her crib is first and if they can move it to the back of the room.

I mean I totally understand that she naps much better at home because there isn’t 11 other babies running, screaming, crying, playing, eating, shitting, whatever. I get that. But it’s not like it’s a library at home, either; we talk in our normal voices, we watch TV at a regular level, etc.

I just miss my baby doll so much during the work day and rush to pick her up to spend some time with her- but then when we get home all she does is nap (yesterday was the worst- napping from the time we hit the car until her bedtime, waking up once to have a bottle and going right back down!).. And, yes, I can be selfish and keep her awake (most days) but that’s really not good for her. She, like every baby, needs to get their rest.

This is all just one more reason why I don’t even think I’m going to do a trial two week run with a compressed work week my job is offering – because it’ll mean she get even LESS nap time in during the nine days I’d be working later.

Ughs. Anywaaaaaaaaay. It’s Friday. Tomorrow I have to get a root canal (which I’m actually looking forward to so hopefully I can go one day without a screaming headache by the end of it) and Sunday the husband has to go into work early which means it’s just me and my Lovie! Cannot wait!

I hate Mondays

This morning was rough for me.

taken this morning as Lovie sat on my lap as we waited for school to open

I cried as I left Lovie. And now as I’m typing this, I’m getting all choked up again.

I just adore my girl.  She sincerely is the light of my life.  This is sincerely what “it” is all about.  She is life. She is everything. And tomorrow, she’ll be half a year old already!

Ack.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend, including this morning. I think that’s why the tears came, to be honest.

See, work has offered a new work schedule that I thought I would take complete advantage of: Basically you get every other Friday off. Currently my full time schedule is 37.5 hours a week. With this new schedule, I’d have to work 40 hours during the 5 day week and 35 hours during the 4 day week.

Totally doable, right?

Ummm, let’s dissect:

I drop off and pick up Lovie from daycare every day. My husband and I work in completely different directions so he can not take over any of that (not consistently at least). Right now I drop her off between 630-645 every morning and pick her up at 330. We’re home usually by 430-445. Her bedtime is 7. So I get a couple of hours with my Lovie, in addition to the car time (which I don’t really count since she normally sleeps and if she doesn’t, it’s not like we’re interacting much since we can’t see one another – though we do sing at times).

With this new proposal, drop off time would still be the same because the soonest her school opens is 630. So during the 40 hour/5 day week, I wouldn’t be picking her up till 4-415, thereby not getting home until 5-530 (traffic is REALLY BAD during rush hour); the 35 hour/4 day week, I wouldn’t be picking her up till 445ish, thereby not getting home till 6, on a good day.

Basically… do I give up any real time with her for 9 days and deal with a guarantee much more hectic and much more frustrating rush hour drive so that I can have 1 full day with her, in addition to the weekends?

I have a ton of people telling me YES! DO IT! But I have some that say NO! And this weekend, I’ve gone back and forth with YES! DO IT! And NO!

And I’m really thinking it’s going to be a NO! (Probably doesn’t help that I watched My Sister’s Keeper over the weekend!!)

Am I totally nuts? I’m possibly giving up on a chance to have 1 full day with Lovie every other week! What’s wrong with me?! I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me: I just can’t fathom spending any LESS time with Lovie on those 9 days. I can’t do it. Maybe when she’s 14 I’ll change my mind, but right now I need every moment I can get with her every day- not just every other week.

I dunno. Maybe I’ll try it out since that’s an option (to try it for two weeks). It’ll be my luck though that’ll it’ll be OK and I’ll sign up to do this and then after their “trial period” (end of year), the company will decided to stop offering it.

So if you’re a working mom, and assuming this was a do or don’t thing and there was no option to test it out, do you think you’d sign up for it?