Life

As soon as she said, “It’s a girl,” I instantly covered my mouth. Tears flooded my sight; my body started shaking and jerking a bit as I tried to stop the tears, but couldn’t.

“She’s healthy then?” I managed to ask through my sobbing.

“Yes, everything looks really great and you’re definitely having a girl.”

I looked at my husband who sat beside me with the largest smile covering his face. His eyes marveled up at the black and white images shown on the screen before looking at me and smiling even more.

“Are you OK?” he then asked with a shrinking smile.

“I’m just…” I tried speaking, but the tears kept flowing out.  “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes.”

The tech left us for a bit to get dressed and compose ourselves.

We were having a baby girl.

Everything looked great and healthy.

And just like that, the fear was squashed. Of course there was always a chance that something bad could happen until or at birth, but for the first time in 24 weeks, I allowed myself to truly be excited; I allowed myself to connect with my baby.

It was so hard prior to that moment. No matter how guilty I felt, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t connect. I was too afraid of losing another baby. I was just too scared to go down the road I went down two years prior. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it again, and I wasn’t strong enough to push the fear aside… Until that tech assured me that everything measured great and that everything looked good and healthy.

For the first time in over a year, I could finally kick Fear’s ass to the curb and enjoy the baby growing inside of me, enjoy Life.

 

In “On Writing” Stephen King wrote, “The scariest moment is always just before you start. After that, things can only get better.”

Write a memoir post – first-person and true – inspired by that statement.

Word limit is 300.

the weekend. a listicle. with pictures.

Mondays mean Listicles for me- at least the past dozen or so Monday have meant this. This week, however, I'm not following the prompt as it's too personal for me and while I'm pretty open about a lot of things here- including sharing gobs of pictures of my Lovie- I just don't feel comfortable sharing my family tree. Instead, I'll listicle my weekend for you because the fact is, I love me some Monday Listicles!

The H and I skipped out on work on Friday.

He needed to get new brakes on his car and I've been wanting to get out to the pumpkin patch during the week to avoid the weekend crowds. So we went for it on Friday. He dropped off his car, I got Lovie ready and picked him up and we headed way out to the burbs and stopped for breakfast.

Apparently the running around in the morning, tired out someone who was sound asleep once we hit the breakfast joint. She woke in time to nosh on some fruit though.

The pumpkin patch.

I've known about this pumpkin patch for years and years. It's at a farm that has a HUGE pumpkin on top of their barn so that you can see it from the highway very easily. Last year was the first time we went and man, did we have a great time. Lovie was only 9 months old and it made for some awesome pictures. Plus it was free (if you don't count the cost to drive out there).

This visit was even more fun because Lovie was all about "pumkins" so she had a blast trying to pick them all up. Plus there was a kick butt slide and my girl is a slide-aholic!

And then there's the gigantic chair that make my Loviebug look small. :) Could she be any cuter?!

And a pumpkin tunnel that she adored running through over and over and over again. : )

We actually didn't stay too long- it was HOT out there. And I do mean hot- like 80's without any shade. We were all exhausted after about an hour or two. No tears were shed when we left.

We got back into the city in record time and the H's car wasn't ready so we grabbed some lunch before Lovie and I finally got back home around 3. I was spent and very much looking forward to a nap but someone else didn't want to nap. Oy, was she beyond exhausted come 6pm.

Bryan Adams Saturday.

It was a bust. Wah, wah wah! : (  We spent the morning and early afternoon of Saturday hanging out and cleaning a bit. When Lovie took a nap, I did, too since I'm not used to staying up late and wanted to prepare myself for my evening with Bryan Adams. The phone rang when lunch was supposed to arrive but apparently it was Ticketmaster. Bryan Adams was postponing the show.

I felt so defeated. It's been over a year since I've gone out without Lovie, without the Hubs. My mom was coming over to go see Bryan Adams with me (her bday is in a few so the tix were a gift). The tickets were a gift from the H for my bday last month and now all I have to remember turning 39 is a near 6 hour trip to the ER. Boo hoo did I want to cry.

Instead, I asked my mom- an hour or two after she arrived- if she would mind if the H and I went out after Lovie was in bed. She was fine with it and the H and I went out alone for the first time since last winter. And while the movie was beyond shittastic, we had fun. The two of us. Alone. Without our Loviebug.  The movie was at a fancy movie theatre (down the road from the pumpkin farm, actually) that allowed for "chef prepared" meals to be served as you lounged in their plush recliners!

We talked and laughed a lot during the ride there and back. It was just nice to like my husband so the whole Bryan Adams canceling his show thing turned out to be OK.

Lovie's Park.

Sunday morning after we had some coffee (the adults) and pancakes, we all headed out to the park near our house. We've been going to this park since moved into this place last September and at first I wasn't too impressed with it and thought it was just too big for Lovie. But now that she's pushing 2 and fearless, it suits her just fine (and we stop here all the time as long as it's dry and below 80). So much so that yesterday she conquered the highest apparatus and slid down the highest curving slide by herself yesterday. Over and over again. "Peek a boo!" she'd exclaim as she got to the top and peered down at us. "I see you!" she'd squeal running to the slide.

It was in the 70s/80s all weekend. No rain, no clouds. All sunshine. As much as I hate the heat and absolutely love everything about fall, I figured we should take advantage of the weather and get to the park as a family.

While it was a great weekend with a lot of time spent outdoors... I really am truly beyond ready for the colder temperatures. We got a taste of them a couple weeks ago but the past week or two have just been too summer-like and I want Fall already!

Bull Bus

A waft of earthy scrumptiousness settles me in.

Soft, faint music from behind. 

Traffic moving in unison to my right, yet whizz by my left.

The wheels hit a bump: Da-thump, Da-thump!

A puff of cool air spits on my forehead. 

Sunbeams reveal dust gathering on the dashboard, some dancing in the light.

Giggly squeals from behind… My heart smiles.

Breathing in deeply, letting the heaven-scent of robust coffee fill my senses, I reach for the dry cup that sucks away moisture from my hands and bring it to my lips. The mist from the hot drink tickles my lip as I take a sip of delectable heaven. 

More giggles, but the whizzing starts to fade.

Reds, oranges, yellows on the trees - painted against the clear blue sky - line the side of the highway, taking my breath away and leaving my eyes moist. The skyscrapers smudged on the painted sky in the distance slowly become crisper. 

Brake lights illuminate all lanes.

“Bull Bus, Mama!” she sings from behind.

“Yes, baby girl, it’s a school bus! I see it, too!”

Rubbing the steering wheel, a smile invades my face despite the fact that we’re submerged in rush hour. 

This week we asked you to take us somewhere. Where was up to you -fiction or creative nonfiction- but we asked you to use your words to paint the setting as vividly as possible. In 200 words.

Into the Fire

2.) Tell us about your song.

Life - as thin as a thread
Sometimes you're lucky
Sometimes you're better off dead

Your first breath is taken and into the world you are cast
You long for tomorrow while living each day as your last

Well I know what your heart desires
But you can't take it with you
Into the fire

Now you've done all you can
Your life's at the crossroads
You watch as it slips through your hands

So you stand on the mountain and shout in vain at the sky
But nobody hears you - the words only echo inside

Oh shelter the flame - it may expire
Risin' up from the ashes
Into the fire

Just hold onto your life down to the wire
Oh out from the dragon's jaws
Into the fire

There's a moment in every man's life
When he must decide what is wrong and what's right

You could wait for your dreams to come true
But time has no mercy
Time won't stand still for you

Well I know what your heart desires
Crawlin' out from the wreckage
Into the fire

Here I go...Into the fire
I know...what your heart desires

Those are the lyrics from a song, Into the Fire- one of my all time favorite songs, written by Bryan Adams and Jim Vallance in 1987.

I've actually written about this song before for another workshop prompt, but I tied it in with the song we danced to on our wedding day (also a Bryan Adams song), Heaven. Even so, it's worth repeating (in summary), I think.

The song Into the Fire saved my life.

That's where my love and adoration for Bryan Adams comes from. He saved my life. I don't want to marry the dude, I don't want to have his baby; I just really respect him (the man loves his work, his art, his craft) and really am thankful to be here today, alive and well, to talk about it. 

Because of him, because of this one song.

I think we all have moments in our lives when we react pretty dramatically to our surroundings- what's happening in our lives- and, at that moment, it may seem like the world is absolutely crashing in on you. What I've gone through is nothing exceptional; there are far, far, far worse childhoods. But, at the time, when I was living through it, I, of course, thought my life was the absolute worst. And I wanted it to end. I just couldn't see past the hurt and pain of the moment to see that maybe, if I fight through it, the sun might shine again.

It started after my parents split when I was 9, and explained nothing to me. I internalized everything and therefore, since nobody told me they loved me (it just wasn't said by anyone in our family- stupid, stupid, stupid on everyone's part!!) and since nobody told me the demise of our family wasn't my fault, I felt unloved and that the split was because of me.

Things just escalated from there. By the time I was full fledged teenager, I still pretty much hated life. I was angry, hostile, and just not happy. We were moving every year, I had no friends, my siblings were gone, my parents seemed to forget how to parent. What was the point? I immersed myself in music and writing. It was my only escape. I could get lost in the music and dream of a better day and I could release some of the angst through my writing. But I still didn’t think I would live to see 20 years old.

I hated life that much.

And then I found out that Bryan Adams would be touring (1986) and I adored him and his music. I picked up his latest album at the time, Into the Fire, and purchased concert tickets the day they went on sale and listened to the album over and over again to sort of prepare for the concert (haha the mind of a 14 year old!). That’s when things started to turn around for me. His song Into the Fire touched me in a way that made me feel like maybe I wasn’t so alone in this world after all.

When the concert day finally arrived, it was all so very electrifying to me. The entire show, the fans, the whole experience was so ... alive.  And, after an encore, he came back out on stage and finally performed the one song I really hoped he would play:

http://youtu.be/m7xqtLTBrHY 

(i'm SO sorry i can't get this video embedded, this song is really worth a listen though)

And, at that moment, I knew that holding out for this concert was absolutely the right thing to do; I knew that I had to crawl out of the wreckage of my life and make my way into the fire.

Cheesy? Heck yes. But oh so true.

And in just 2 days, I get to see this man perform live again!  It'll be my... 10th time (I'm pretty sure) seeing him. And it never gets old. (Unfortunately, I can't remember the last time I've seen him play Into the Fire live. It never became a hit, especially here in the States, so I'm guessing he doesn't play it because of that?? Honestly, I'm not sure I could handle it if he did end up playing it live on Saturday! It's been over 20 years and... I just don't think I could handle it.) 

Wordful Wednesday

First thing's first: I've written a new piece for Lisa's blog. Lisa, also known as LOG, is a dear friend of mine who I met years ago whilst planning our weddings. She's good people so I really hope you go over and check out her blog and my guest post over at LOG's blog.

Secondly and almost finally, I forgot to mention the weekend... this past weekend. We did a whole bunch of nothing special, yet it was awesomely amazing and fun! Nothing, and I do repeat NOTHING, makes me happier than just being with my Lovie.

And by "being" with her, I mean just sitting with her, just watching her do her thing, just playing with her, eating with her, talking with her, chasing her, reading with her, watching TV with her...

Not a day goes by when she doesn't make me feel so in awe of her and all that she knows, all that she's learning, all that she remembers.

But really, it's the insignificant moments when she's just doing whatever that leave me with tears in my eyes over how incredibly beautiful she is- inside and out. She's got such a sweet little heart. And she's so incredibly smart.

And she's mine. All mine. I'm so incredibly lucky. I get to be her Mama and ... just wow.

Enough gushing, eh. Sheesh.

Anyway and finally, THREE MORE DAYS TILL BRYAN ADAMS!!! I'm so excited. So very excited. Last time I saw him I was a couple months pregnant with Lovie and he was on his acoustic tour. And I cried so much during the show. He's so awesome and to hear him acoustically... just wow. Nothing fancy at all. Just a man who absolutely loves what he does, doing it right in front of you.  I can't wait to see if he mentions his baby girl at all. What? You didn't know the 50+ year old's baby mama just had a baby? Yup. Mirabella Bunny.

I hope you enjoy my post over on LOG's blog! And if you're stopping over for the first time because of that post, WELCOME! :)

[linking up with Supermom and The Paper Mama]

The Escape

The door bounced closed and her back kissed the inside of it, shrinking down till she was in a sitting position on the sleek linoleum. Backpack slapping the coffee table, her hands- collecting dampness- held her crumbling face.

Her body simply collapsed and folded over.

Her ears thumped, her body hiccuped to the baritone sound coming from deep within.

Soon, her back straightened so that it kissed the door again, hands now massaging the slick floor. Her water stained face pointed toward the ceiling.

Her eyes scrunched, her crooked mouth unhinged, and a maddening shrill erupted.

This week Galit asked you to conjure something. An object, a person, a feeling, a color, a season- whatever you like.  But don’t tell us what it is, conjure it. In 100 words.

Editor's note: Today's piece is a continuation from last week. Why not, right?

a Quote-tasticle Listicle!

I love quotes, but I have a shit memory so there are only two that I remember when asked: One is from a movie (see below) and the other is from my grandfather who'd always ask how things were when he'd see you and wait for your response before saying, "Everything is new; today is a new day!"  Boy do I miss that man.

So for this listicle, I took to Pinterest. Gotta love the Pinterest. (click on each image/quote to link back to Pinterest where these all came from)

10 Quotes to remember (in no particular order):

"Demented and sad, but social." Said by the "criminal" in one of my all time favorite movies, The Breakfast Club. Boy did I love me some Bender.

I freaking LOVE this one. It's exactly how I feel and it's exactly why I make sure to share my adoration to Lovie as much as humanly possible.

I never heard/saw this one until after I had Lovie... and boy is it true.

I saw this one just before turning 39... perfect timing to see it and a nice little accurate reminder, eh?

 

Boom.

Beautiful and true.

This is something I learned a long time ago... and it's something I don't think many people truly grasp, sadly. I pray my Lovie grows to understand and appreciate this.

I just saw this the other day and... wow, it's pretty deep, no?

Ha, they all can't be deep and profound.

yeah, can't even say how long I've been thinking this way. Such a shame.

What are some of your favorite or memorable or worthy quotes?

September Favorite

linking up with the Paper Mama

Stuff

* Lovie turned 21 months old yesterday... 1.75 years... 1-3/4 year old.

I'm not sure what to say other than she's an absolute joy to be around, day in and day out. Sincerely an absolute joy. Her "Muh You"'s kill me, as does her increasing vocabulary (dudes, we're up to 4-word sentences these days... WHAT?!?!!), and memory of ... everything. I'm in awe of her daily. And her nighttime cuddles up next to me while we watch Blues Clues (a clue! a clue!!!) before bed... make my heart swell so much. I just... she's just... AWESOME.

But I don't think I'm telling you anything shocking so I'll move on.

* I created a new Facebook fan page. Wanna "Like" it?? Then click THIS HERE. Oh please!

* Tomorrow's October. How and when the hell did this happen exactly? Really, I'd like to know!

* 08 days from now I'll be seeing Bryan Adams in concert. I can't wait. Yes, really, Bryan Adams. Yes, really, I'm that old.

* How did I make that shirt in the photos above? EASY.

• I designed the numbers and star burst thingie on Indesign (but you can do it on whatever you have, I'm pretty sure)
• then print out image on regular paper from a color printer
• then applied Rubber Cement to the back of it and let it dry (and applied more then let it dry, and again- making sure that each time it's not wet when applying more)
• then, after it sits overnight, I cut the image out and stuck it to a $3 white shirt I picked up

The stickiness of the image is very temporary and will not stick permanently or even anywhere close to permanent! Plus the kid will probably end up tearing if off anyway. But if you want to do something like this just for photos- this is for you. If you want something to last longer, move along to doing some sort of iron on.

* We kind of figured out who will care for Lovie should we both die soon. Thanks to the comments I got on the post the other day regarding this heavy topic, I was able to broach the subject with the hubs again. And we both agreed, again, that yes, this was something that needed to happen soon. And, oddly, it wasn't too hard to think of who we'd want to care for Lovie. It's one of my cousins, but not my BFF cousin. I'm kind of sad about that but the fact is that the cousin we've chosen has two boys, a great job and home, and loves parenting. We just really think Lovie would accommodate the best in that home. Now, we just have to figure out a way to bring this up to my cousin. You know?  I mean, we're not neighbors or anything and we only get together on holidays or birthdays... I was gonna email her but the hubs was like, "is that something that should be done via email?" haha, Good point, Mr. Anyway, I think we're gonna try to contact them this weekend.

* Tomorrow's October. How and when the hell did this happen exactly? Really, I'd like to know!

Have a great weekend! :)

Just Daria

Daria’s long brown curls could often be spotted from the hilltop next to her grandparents’ home that overlooked the water. The lake was her favorite thing about having to stay with her grandparents while her mom got her act together again.

It was a small lake, surrounded by homes with large windows, big flowing trees, rickety docks storing small row boats, and a couple sandy areas. One of the sandy areas- the one Daria frequented- also housed a couple swings, a teeter totter, and a couple benches beneath some trees. One light, positioned on a large pole near the boat dock, brightened the little beach after the sun set.

Sometimes Daria could be seen swinging, her legs and toes pointing so far upward toward the sky as if she was reaching for the clouds with her feet, her back collapsed-looking and being held by her arms and hands holding onto the rusty chain, her hair nearly sweeping the ground every time her feet reached for the sky.

Sometimes she’d just sit in the swing and let the rusty chains twist, kicking her feet into the ground, looking out into the water that mirrored the sky. A fish would jump up on occasion, a car would drive by behind her. But otherwise it was just Daria.

Sometimes Daria went to the lake with her headphones listening to some of her favorite music. Sometimes she’d go with notebook and pen.  And when she did go to write, she always sat on one of the benches.

Writing was her therapy- even at 14.

Daria took to her journal like she was gossiping with a best friend. She wrote poems about her life, her wants, her needs, her anger, her sadness. She wrote letters to boys she had crushes on, to adults who she was angry with.

It didn’t matter what was going on around her at the time, when she sat on the bench overlooking the water and wrote, the world was a better place. It turned into the world she wanted it to be and allowed her to dream of a time when she’d be sitting there on that very bench…

The fog rolling in before sunset, tall historic buildings lurking behind her.

She was beautiful... Breathtaking.

Her long hair flowed so perfectly, gently. 

Her blue eyes sparkled in the twilight.

Jurien would put his hand on her shoulder and a smile danced across her face.

Her well-manicured hand would rest atop Jurien’s and the stone on her ring would display a little light show.

Daria and Jurien were oh so very happily married.

And rich.

And maybe even a little famous.