it throbs

sorry for the downer... sadly it's not fiction. inking up with trifecta.


My head.

It throbs.

If I press against the wrinkles embedding my forehead whilst my eyes are closed, the pain lessens a bit.

In my head.

I feel like I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for months now. A sinus infection that won’t quite smack me down just yet. An infection that lurks around the corner waiting to jump out at me at the most inopportune time.

 

My cell phone vibrates for two seconds and stops. Then it buzzes again. Someone is calling and my heart leaps into my throat.

My head no longer hurts.

I look down and see a number I don’t know, an area code I don’t know. I hit decline and breathe a little easier.

For a moment.

My head throbs again.

 

The tears bled my eyes yesterday when I picked up Lovie from school. I had just learned Oma has “days” left, they believe (hospice).

So now I really wait. And think of ways to doctor my appearance the next time I’m with Lovie.

“Oma’s very sick,” I’ve been telling her.  “I need you to give her a big hug and kiss when we see her,” I told her last time I brought her for a visit a week ago. “And I really need you to look at her face, look into her eyes. Do you understand?”

She nods. “Oma’s sick?”

“Yes.”

How will I tell her she’s gone when she finally leaves us?

 
 

My head.

It throbs.

i'd like to contribute more but i'm ...

 

 

These are them.

These are the times I want to cherish forever more.

first ride on a pedal bike. can't wait to see her do this outdoors with more space. like the hair? i love it. also, if you look closely to the image from behind, she's wearing boys (mickey mouse) underwear she picked out. ;)

These are the times I wish to tattoo into my memory.

sleeping beauty loves napping with mama in mama and daddy's bed. who am i to argue?

I know there will come a time when she won't be this... three.

this is my Lovie. this is who she is. right now. age 3. perfection.

I know there will come a time when she won't be so enamored with... everything.

These are the times I cherish...

the times I've waited for my entire life...

the times that make it all make complete sense.

No more pullups.

Home today because of the snow. Let's be honest. It's not nearly as bad as it has been. And it looks all fluffy. Still, I'm not a fan of driving in it with Lovie in the car (we have a 20 mile commute to her school), so take advantage of snowing during rush hour I did. 

And we're home.

So far I've made nutella stuffed crescent rolls and eaten a few whilst being on my second cup of coffee. It's not even 9AM. I think I've done more today than during a normal workday.

Not much going on other than trying to potty train the kiddo. That's going ... not horribly. Hoorah. She's not potty trained by any shape of the imagination, but she pees very willingly when I get her on the pot. I started this a week ago when we got home for the day at about 4:30 in the afternoon. I told her there would be no more pullups. And there hasn't been. Well, not entirely.

Friday night and Saturday was a mess. Literally. She never once went on the potty but that's because I wasn't putting her on it. I was leaving it all up to her because I was certain she's been so defiant towards it all because we were forcing her and she was being stubborn. Finally, before her nap on Sunday, I took her into my lap and talked with her about it all and asked if she wanted to go back to pullups.

"No, I a big girl."

"Yes you are baby, but big girl's don't wet themselves."

I told her that for naps and bedtime we would put her into a pullup (we hadn't Friday night or all day Saturday and night), but that she'd still be a big girl. She was OK with this and she was able to sleep longer without getting drenched in pee.

Then I started sitting her on the potty every hour and... no accidents!

Repeated the same thing on Monday with just a couple accidents.

Tuesday I brought her into school in undies and extra clothes. She had only one accident. Ditto on Wednesday. She was still napping at school in a pullup and sleeping at night in bed with one, too.

Yesterday wasn't a very good day. She was in a pullup when I picked her up from school. All of her extra clothes were wet. Her shoes were wet! We stopped for groceries on our way home and, two hours after leaving school, we got home and I put her on the potty and she peed and peed. And she was dry! So off came the pullup and on came more undies. She started pooping in the damn undies 20 minutes later and I whisked off to the potty where she finished. Fun times. Then while bathing she announced that she had to pee. I whisked her out of the tub and onto the pot and PEE.

She's so proud of herself. And she should be.

Again, she's not potty trained and will very rarely ASK to go or just go on her own... but she's well on her way, I think.

There's just no stopping her.

Time just will not slow down for anything.

Limbo

I'm not digging this state of limbo I'm in lately.

I'm lacking in patience.

And energy.

It's just so draining.

The waiting.

Thank god I have this sunshine to brighten my day.

 

 

Even if she's part of the limbo.

Even if she's leeching away at my patience at times.

The older I get, the more I truly do understand.

But the waiting game still... it's just SO tiring.

33 words: Hyperbole

 

If not for the intense, infuriating mood swings

or the indubitable desire to drown in crap food,

the killer cramps and horror show scene in the

toilet will reveal: I have my period.

 

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Heh sorry for being so graphic but man does this feel good to get out. Thanks Trifecta!

TILTW: 2.9-2.15

* Saturday dance classes are going wonderfully well. I'm so glad I signed her up.

* Bedtimes are not going well. I introduced a chart the other night and thought that might help but I don't think it is. She just doesn't want to go to sleep. And she wants to play "I'm mad at you and will act like a brat until you give in and scoop me up into your arms to give me hugs and kisses and lay with me and tell me story after story until I fall asleep" every night. And when I try to interject the "I'm mad at you" part she just gets more upset and defiant. I think I might try extending her bedtime a half hour and see what that brings.

* I feel less ... annoyed (for lack of a better word) since staying off Twitter. I just can't keep up with it all and not even trying is such a relief.

* These are AMAZING and so incredibly easy.

YOLO rolo cracker sandwiches

it honestly doesn't get much easier (and yummier) than this. can't even recall how i came about this easy recipe but wow i can't wait to make these again.

bedtime by a 3 year old

I threw it on the ground and burst into tears. If she wants me to go to sleep without her laying with me then I would do all I could to make her mad so that I could start crying and tell her how sad she makes me feel and then she will hug me and try to shush away the crying. I just love when she hugs me. When she wraps me into her fluffy arms and boobs and tummy. I love when she’s nice and she’s nice most of the time but then she tells me to get into the bed and I just don’t want to. Not without her. And she won’t lay by me because the chart says I must stay in bed by myself. With my stuffed bear. So I thew the bear on the ground and burst into tears. I want her to lay with me. I want her to tell me stories. I want her to lay with me until I fall asleep. And if she won’t then I won’t let her go in peace.

“I want you to leave!” I shout, looking down at my bear and the sticker sheet lying beside it. I could stick those on my books and my dresser and my pajamas and mama’s pajamas and my hand and mama would look nice with one on her forehead and in her—

“Honey, it’s time for bed,” she coos.

“NO I DON’T WANNA. I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.”

“But what are you going to do if I leave?”

“NOTHING. I WILL DO NOTHING ON MY FLOOR!”

“Honey, it’s time for bed.”

“NO I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED. I WANNA DO NOTHING ON MY FLOOR!”

She shakes her head at me and turns off the closet light and turns off the light to the room and opens the door of my room and sits down on the floor in the doorway so that I can’t go in or out. Her back is to me. She won’t look at me. She won’t talk to me.  And now it’s my turn to cry.

“You make me sad,” I tell her.

“Honey,” she says, turning toward me and touching me. “It’s time for bed sweetie, and you tell me to leave you alone instead… Do you want me to hold you?”

“Yeah,” I sniffle. “And I need a tissue.”

“Ok, love. All you have to do is tell me you want me to hold you.”

She stands up. It’s still super dark.

“I want you to hold me.”

“Of course, love,” she giggles and scoops me into her arms.

She kisses me and kisses me and squeezes me into her and kisses me some more. She holds the back of my head with one hand as my butt sits in her other. She lays me down and tells me to get under the covers and then she lays next to me and tells me a story. And now me and my bear can finally go to sleep.

 

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fiction (kinda sorta) for the yeahwrite speakeasy peeps.

 

 

i love

i love watching her when she doesn't know i can see.
i love that i signed her up for something she absolutely loves to do.
i love that she tries so hard to follow along.
i love her hair and should do it more often.
i love that she's so Lovie.
i love feeling so blessed to be her mama.
i love.