I'M GONNA MISS HIM

This morning was a bit rough: Lovie kind of lost her shit when it was time to go to school.

"I want daddy to take me!"

"Honey, you have to let us know beforehand that's what you want so daddy can arrange for that to happen."

"I want daddy to take me!"

"Daddy can you take her?"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I can't today."

"NOOOOO I WANT DADDY TO TAKE ME!"

This went on for several minutes. Tears flooded her face. She started to smack her hand down to emphasize that she was being serious (I guess). She was so very unhappy. And all I could do was look at the clock and get warmer and warmer because I detest running late and when I get anxious or angry or breathe, I get warm these days.

"Honey, daddy can take you another day, right daddy?"

"NOOOOO I WANT DADDY TO TAKE ME NOW!"

"I know that's what you want but we can't always get what we want." (ugh, I hated when my mother, brother or sister would say this to me... at least I didn't say, How does it feel to want? the way my asshat brother use to.)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"It's time to go."

"I DON'T WANNA!"

She just cried and wiggled herself against her dad who lay on the bed. And anytime we tried touching her or saying something, she'd just freak out even more. Finally it got to the point where if we didn't leave at that moment, I'd be very late so I just walked out of the room saying goodbye.

I know that's horrible, but it was that or scream.

Twenty seconds later I could hear the bedroom door open and I walked toward it and there Lovie stood, hand on the knob, sobbing. I got down to her level and calmly got close to her and gave her a hug and told her that I was so sorry she was so sad and upset. I told her daddy really wanted to take her but he had to do some work before going to work. I scooped her into my arms and held her tight for a minute. She just sobbed. She wasn't angry or yelling anymore. She was just... sad.

And boy did that make me sad.

I took her to the bathroom so she could go potty and that's where she revealed, "But I'm gonna miss him."

My heart just about split in half.

"Oh baby," I said. "It's okay to miss daddy, he's gonna miss you too. I bet he misses you already. But you still have to go to school, he still has to go to work."

"But I'm gonna miss him."

The tears dropped into the palms of her hands on her lap.

"Sweetheart, let's go give him big hugs and kisses and then you can tell him that you'll miss him."

So we did just that. And she burrowed her head into him and they hugged and hugged and he told her how he was going to spend a lot of extra time with her tonight when he got home.

And that was that. She was fine. She stood up and jumped into my arms like she always does in the morning and off we went to get our coats on and leave.







So it's Tuesday and Hey, it's my husband's birthday, too!

I honestly don't know what's going on with me, but I'm really trying to stay focused and keep writing but it's not easy. It's just not. I'm going to blame it on the fact things always get so damn crazy and busy end of year. 

Lovie and Zoe, taken the night before Zoe died. We had no idea. Besides me, Lovie is the only person Zoe ever allowed to get close to her. She was kind of a mean cat like that. Heh.

My cat Zoe died last Saturday. I could write about that, I suppose but-- and this will get me plenty of side eyes and what not-- I'm just not that upset. Sure I shed some tears, but they were mainly a result of Lovie's reaction to it all. Sure it was a ridiculous shock, but... she was a cat. She lived a good life with us. And now she's gone and now we're stuck with the one cat that makes a bunch of noise crying all the time.

I made this in Picmonkey! for FREE. I'll be printing it out and attaching it to lollipop sticks and popping it into her cake as a cake topper.

Lovie's birthday is coming up in... 41 days. A couple months ago, I found a company that does parties dressed as Disney Princesses. For less than what it would cost to have a jump house party, I could get Rapunzel or Ariel or whomever to come to my house for 90 minutes and be all princess-y and girly with Lovie and her friends. As much as I detest princesses, I had a feeling Lovie would be over the moon with a "real" princess sitting in her living room. Alas, she's been insisting on another jump house party and since it's her birthday, she gets to choose. She's also decided within the past couple weeks that she'd like a Paw Patrol cake and goodie bags. At least it's not Dora.

Speaking of birthdays, today is my husband's birthday. Lovie colored him a card last night and made a heart and signed her name inside it and gave it to him this morning. Then she had him read her a book we just took out from the library last night. Yay, it's your birthday, read to me. On the way home from work and school, Lovie and I will stop off for a cake for tonight. And then Saturday? Eek, Saturday the Tayester and I will be going to a hotel. Overnight. Alone. Together alone. Without Lovie. That's my gift to him. It'll be our first night together without our Lovie.

on this day one year ago

...I posted a little story about Boating Voting!

It made me giggle reading it just now so I thought I'd share the giggle with you. Go forth now and enjoy. ;)

a gorgeous Sunday in Fall

There's so many things I love about this photo below:

As you can see, it's not a gorgeous image or anything. There's nothing special about it, really. Not to the average person. But to me, there's so much I love: the colors from the trees, the fact that the sun is getting ready to slumber, the awesome playground structure, and, of course, the people jumping into action.

I took the photo with my cell phone this past Sunday. We had just gotten done eating a late lunch after a little photo shoot by a lake. It was quite chilly out, but beautiful. Gorgeous, really. A gorgeous Sunday in Fall. Lovie asked if we could stop at the park and we obliged. Why not, right?

Turns out we were the only ones there, which was fine by me. Lovie generally only wants to play with other littles when we go to the park these days, but she was quite content with just hanging with us for some reason. Which we ate up. Taye especially.


We've been together for 13 years now-- Taye and me. There have been hot moments and some downright bitter cold moments. The first year after Lovie was born, things were a little rough. I was so damn tired. I still am but it's different now. Life is different. Lovie is different. I'm different. Watching the two loves of my life interact... it just truly warms my entire soul. And that's what I got to do Sunday during our park visit. I got to sit and watch and take photos and laugh. Man, did I laugh. Because these two are like two peas in a pod. Neither of them needs much sleep, both of them are super damn funny and chatty and outgoing. And they both adore one another.


Lovie and Taye are leaping from the sidewalk on the playgrounds' edge, steps from where I was sitting on a bench. They were being superheroes. I had called for help -- my Kitties were in danger because they made their way to the Monster under the bridge (per Lovie) -- and Superdaddy and Superbaby (I can't believe she still lets us call her Baby. We don't tell her she's a baby because she's not, but we do call her Baby instead of her name most of the time and I'm just really surprised she hasn't yet put the kibosh on that. I hope she never does.) were off to rescue them! Over and over again and again. Poor Taye was exhausted, but kept up with Lovie quite well. I was pretty impressed.



These are them. These are the moments I cherish with all my heart. This is life right here. This is living. I never dreamed it could be this damn beautiful. Stunning, really.

Halloween: I don't think anything will ever out-cute the year of the Monchichi

Girl be pissed looking in 2010-- Quack, quack.

So this kid of mine...

So this kid of mine...

 

this child who makes a smile cover my face just when I think of her... this child who is so much more than I ever imagined... this child who is so damn smart and funny... this child who is quickly approaching 4... this child who is going to be a Pirate tomorrow for Halloween despite not allowing us to leave Costco one day last month without a Rapunzel costume (and wig)... this child who is worried that my hair is still white... this child who can't wait to have a baby come from her tummy one day... this child who is the essence of life, of beauty, of innocence, of purity...

She's said some fun things this year that I haven't really recorded here but probably should. Unfortunately I only started posting her quips to Facebook the other month so this is all I have:

Lovie: Mama can I have some hot chocolate?

Me: How about some warm milk?

Lovie: Well hot chocolate is made with milk so how about some hot chocolate?

 
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Lovie: Mama why is your hair white?

Me: Because I'm getting old.

Lovie: Does that mean you're gonna be dead?

Me, wanting to scoop her into my arms forever: No baby, hopefully not for a long time.   

 

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obviously this isn't a real conversation... not really:

Hi my name is Lovie and I'm so excited today is Saturday because that means we're having our tea party!! So because I'm so excited it took me extra long to fall asleep last night and then at 4:30 this morning I got up and came into my mommy and daddy's room because IT'S SATURDAY AND THAT MEANS WE'RE HAVING A TEA PARTY!!!! So what if the party isn't till 3 pm? IT'S SATURDAY AND THAT MEANS TEA PARTY DAY!!!!

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Me: [Lovie], can you pick up the popsicle stick from the floor?

 

Lovie: popsicle?? Did somebody say popsicle?

 

Me, looking at used stick on floor from popsicle she consumed minutes prior: Yes, can you please pick up the popsicle stick and throw it away?

 

Lovie: popsicle?? Yeah sure I'll have another popsicle.

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Me: So what do you want for Christmas?

 

Lovie, sitting upright in bed: A baby. I want a baby in my tummy (she pats her belly) because I haven't had a baby come from my tummy yet so that's what I want for Christmas.

 

Me, looking at her and then quickly back down to the books we were reading: Oh honey, it's going to be a long, loooong time before you can have a baby in your belly.

 

 

 

 

 

the pumpkin farm: 2010-2013

very random and emotional

I sit at my desk at work and look at pictures of Lovie-- from her birth announcement to a black and white printout of a shot from the other week's tea party.

I can't help but see how most of the photos are from photo cards with Lovie plastered on them: Easter/Spring, Christmas, Mother's Day, New Year's, Valentine's Day. And then it dawns on me that I haven't done a photo card in quite some time.

It's mid-October. I believe the last photo card I sent was last Christmas.

It's a symbol of the year I've had, I think.

Oma's passing in late March occupied so much of me-- both physically and emotionally, of course. It's been some time since I've last reflected on her (here on the blog). I've shed so many tears, felt so much heartbreak and poured it all out here.

Right now I'm crying... the tears flow once again.

I miss my Oma.

She loved getting the photo cards of Lovie. Any time I would visit her (and my mom), I would see the latest card displayed and I'd always find the others tucked in other places around the house as well.

My Oma and My Lovie: the two most important females in my life.

Wow, I'm incredibly sad right now. I'm not sure why to be honest, but the tears are making it quite difficult to compose this post. The tears and the shaking from trying to hold back the tears.

It's been a while... a long while since I've last reflected on Oma. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. Just odd that it's happening on such a random fall day.

I guess that's life though, huh?

Freezing time

Bliss is watching your child glow from doing something they absolutely love to do but don't get the chance to do it too often.

This past Saturday we took a long drive out to a friends house for a birthday party for a brand new 3-year-old. The weather, while threatening to rain, actually ended up being quite perfect. Especially for two hours of pony rides. There was Dolly (left) who was bigger and so pretty and then there was Macaroni (right) who was dolled up like a unicorn, of course. What birthday party is complete without a unicorn?!

Lovie was in heaven during all of the party. Aside from the two hours of pony rides, there were leaves with kid-size rakes to be raked, pizza and cake, and a sandbox.

But the absolute highlight was seeing her face washed with a smile around those ponies.

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Bliss is watching a lonely old man realize how loved and cared for he really is.

This past Sunday we threw a surprise party for my dad's 80th birthday. It wasn't very lavish and there were only about 25 people (local family) in attendance, but it was perfect because the surprise was an absolute success-- in the end.

My dad almost ruined the surprise by driving downtown instead of being home when my nephew went to pick him up, but luckily my nephew called him and ordered him back to the burbs where the party was being held in a pizza place near Lovie's school. We all watched from the party room (located upstairs) when my dad finally arrived and started frantically waving his arms around while his face got red because of whatever he was bitching about to my poor nephew. Something about how he had to rush everywhere because  "nobody can-ah answer the phone-ah when [he] calls-ah."

Seeing his reaction after he opened the door to the party and after everyone shouted SURPRISE made my heart fill with so much warmth. He looked so happy, so pleasantly surprised, as everyone lined up to give him a hug and wish him a Happy Birthday.

There was lots of laughter, running around, frosting being thrown, tickles... We had calamari, spinach dip and tortilla chips, salad, pasta, pizza and pop.

Several people told me how great it was for me to throw the party and while that was sweet of them to say, I just don't understand why it's a big deal. The man turned 80. Granted 80 isn't 100, but 80 is still a big friggin deal. Why not let someone know you care about them today before it's too late?!

I mean, I didn't throw it to be thanked. I didn't throw it because it was expected. I threw it because a) he's old and turned EIGHTY, b) he needs to understand that people really do still care about him even though he's living in a retirement home and doesn't always hear from us. And all of that was very much accomplished so yay!

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Bliss is feeling your baby girl's hand reach for your hand to hold onto while she drifts to sleep.

This love of mine did just that this morning at about 4:30 after she came in our room because she had to go potty. After she did her business, she sleepily said, "I go sleep in mama and daddy's bed now" while she slumbered into her room to grab her pillow and Grandmabear. She climbed up into our bed and planted herself in the middle between Taye and me, and a couple minutes later, she took my hand, which was near my face, and held onto it while she brought it closer to her. Slowly I could feel her grip lessen as she drifted off to sleep.

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There are times when you wish you could just freeze time. These are some of mine lately. What are some of yours?

a couple conversations and a quick tea party review

"Mama, am I still three and a half?"

"Yes, baby. You've got a couple more months till you're four. Remember, first there's Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then right after Christmas is..."

"My birthdaaaaaaay!"

"Yup."

"And for my birthday, I want to hang a pinyana at the jumpy house."

"A piñata?"

"Yes, a pinyana. Because yesterday the other day when we went to Target to get you coffee, Daddy and me saw the pinyana and that's what I want at my birthday party in the room with the pizza and cake not by the jumpy things."

"You got it, love."

"Mama, your hair is still white."

"Yes, you're right. It is. Why?"

"Well you can't be my mommy wif white hair."

"I will always always always always be your mommy, you hear?"

"But if your hair isn't like mine then you can't be my mommy."

"Well maybe I'll color it green."

Lovie looks at me, mouth ajar as I smile.

"I'll still be your mama with green or white or no hair."

 

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The Bitty Baby Tea Party was quite the success.

 

Seven little girls, all dolled up with their baby dolls. Tea party sets to play with. Finger foods. Cupcakes.

Lots of pink and purple, lots of giggles (and a little drama), lots and lots of fun.