Walrusgeen

"Mama we go to Walrusgeen? For milk? And medicine? And cheese chips?"

This is what I heard 512 times yesterday on our way to Walgreens for milk, my prescription (medicine), and some cheese puffs (cheese chips).

Every day when I pick her up from school, Lovie always asks to go somewhere: Mama, we go to da park? Mama, we go to Target? We go to da soccer game, Mama? (This one was a fun request to fill- girlfriend didn't even know what a soccer game was but insisted we go to one so as I drove home, I looked everywhere and prayed to see some kids playing soccer. Finally, near home, I saw some kids playing in a huge park. I went around the block to get back to the field...and they were playing softball. Argh. When we got home, she was pissed. I had to promise to show her a soccer game on the computer to hopefully appease her. Thank GOD for the internet!) We go buy lallow banas, Mama?

The girl loves her shopping, what can I say.

Yesterday I needed to stop for some milk and a prescription so when I confirmed that we'd be going to the store and she started yammering on about all this stuff (milk and lallow banas and carrots and yogurt...oh I want Dora yogurt, Mama!) we were allegedly going to go buy, I had to put the kibosh on her thinking and let her know we were only going to Walgreens. For milk, medicine, and maybe some cheese puffs.

"Oh," she hummed. "We go to wall-es, Mama?"

"Yeah, baby, we're going to Walgreens."

Back and forth over and over and over again for 45 minutes until we finally arrived.

At Walrusgeen. 

PMS: a day in the life

I hate when I get like this. Especially that I feel like I have absolutely no motherfucking control over it. My body is so uncomfortable that it just sends my irritability rating through the roof. And any and everyone around me has to suffer then.

It's ridiculous and it's childish, but again, I feel like I can't control it.

I could, actually. I could take some drugs or drink till I pass out or something. Then I'll just sleep it all away but there's too much fucking crap that needs to get done: laundry, dishes, meals, laundry, laundry, "I hungry!", "I wan' milk!", "Mama?"...

I just want to fucking wither away into a corner with something tightly wrapped around my midsection to cease the cramping. I want to sleep eat cry. I want to be left alone. I don't want to hear any fucking thing- no goddamn dogs barking, cats whining, husband snoring, child laughing.

I feel like I'm on edge to doing something really awful.

When I get like this, I envision bad things happening. I think I can understand how women, in particular, do horrendous, god forsaken things to their loved ones. It MUST happen when they're PMSing. If they're not PMSing, then I can't understand.

I'm so fucking tired, so fucking irritable, so fucking angry agitated annoyed hungry sad.

I just want to fucking bleed already.

I just want to fucking bleed so heavily that I bleed through a super plus tampon and onto a pad that I have to wear at all times when I get my period lately.


It's been 30 years since I got my first fucking period and I still cannot control my... mood before I get it.

It's a cruel fucking thing to happen and it's a wonder how there aren't any more women serving murder sentences as a result.

It's these thoughts on these days that make me feel like I'm surely losing my grip on sanity.

Yeah, her smile warms me up and soothes me a bit, but... not enough. Not anymore. Not today.

Because my back hurts so fucking bad and the cramping is making me nauseous despite my hankering for chocolate peanut butter ice cream. In a waffle cone. OMG no. A shake. A thick milk shake. And a bag of potato chips.

What is it going to be like when she starts getting her period, too?

My poor husband.

Fuck him. He's on the couch snoring like I'm not in this mood, like I'm not on the verge of losing my fucking mind. The dryer is about to buzz for the fourth time today and guess who gets to go fold all the shit and put it away? Yeah, the one who's on the verge of stuffing someone into it.

Maybe I should just get out of here for a few minutes.

Maybe I should just go and get that milkshake and potato chips and drugs and alcohol.

I think I need some fucking pads and tampons anyway.

Motherfucking PMS.

(NOTE: this was written yesterday {Sunday} but I didn't hit Publish for some reason. having seen that it wasn't Published, i wasn't going to actually Publish it, but i'm still in a pisser of a mood and have no desire to Publish much else so at least now you know why. not that you care. ALSO: nobody was harmed in the making of this post. FINALLY: i never did get my chocolate peanut butter shake fix, but i did devour a greasy cheeseburger and fries and half a piece of the world's greatest key lime pie before sitting on the toilet for about an hour and shitting like i haven't shat since who knows when... glad you stopped by?? COME AGAIN! AND NEXT TIME BRING MY SHAKE AND CHIPS!)

TILTW: 4/21-4/27

* I'm addicted to the internet. Yesterday, about an hour after getting into work, my computer freaked the F out. Turns out I had a virus. Man, was that embarrassing. And a LONG day without much internet access. I had to actually ... work. *shudder*

* 1-2-3 Magic is awesome. We've implemented some new things into Lovie's bedtime routine as a result of this book and ... so far so good! *love*

* I think I have to low carb again. Ugh. I'm trying so friggin hard to eat better but... I'm just friggin hungry. And I'm pretty sure it's the carbs. I've pretty much cut out all sugar, but I'm still eating some carby foods and DAMMIT WHY CAN'T I JUST LOVE SALADS?!? *fark!*

* Making "to do" lists do work. Posting them on your blog is a great way to try to stick to the list, too. Try it. I composed one back in January- for things I wanted to accomplish before turning 40. Let's see how it's going, shall we (comments from today are in red)?

* finish Lovie's 1 year book (up to 9 months now) and 2 year book

* go down two pant sizes (not even close to this- ugh)

* get new wedding/anniversary bands for our 5 year wedding anniversary in June (we'll have been together 12 years) (this is happening but hasn't yet since it's not June so can't cross off yet)

* start being more active again- walking when i can, taking the stairs (haha. no... hahahahahaha. ugh)

* do something ALONE at least once a month- even if it's running out to Target (this has happened a couple times! and even though i was home alone while the hubs and Lovie were out, it was still ... nice!)

* get out to a dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse with the hubs alone (it's our favorite and we haven't been since days before Lovie's birth)

* take a weekend trip to NYC to visit my BFF/cousin - alone - to celebrate our 40th birthdays (she's 6 months older than me) (should be booking this trip today as a matter of fact- WOOT!)

* start knitting again- and reading more (reading more when i can but that knitting thing? not sure when the hell that will happen)

* start writing more again (this is ongoing here on the blog- though not much fiction)

* and, again, the number one thing to do before turning 40 is get myself healthier (this is ongoing. i've already gotten a physical, gotten a mammogram and i'm trying to eat better.)

WW: the bench

The other day I posted a photo for a challenge. It's one of my favorites lately, but I love this one more (I entered the other one in the challenge cuz the hubs said it was more colorful) because it's more... Lovie. She's so silly and fun and cute and pretty and crazy and TWO!  And plus?? She's NOT WEARING ANY PINK!

Sunshine

“I wanna share da donuts,” she sweetly says from the backseat of the car as we drive out of the city and toward school.

“You did share the donuts,” I reply, trying to keep things positive without saying the word No. “We got some yesterday and you did a great job sharing.”

“NO! I WANNA! SHARE! DA DONUTS!!”

If she wasn’t 2, I probably would’ve pulled the car over and asked her to get out and cool off for a minute. I mean, really? YOU WANNA SHARE DONUTS?! Good for you! Heh. But she’s 2. And this, from everything I hear and read and remember from my nephews and nieces, is par for the course for 2. So instead I drive on- and start to smile as I think about last night:

“She demanded that you sit,” the hubs recounted, as we sat on the couch watching The Voice. He was marveling over our Good Nights with Lovie and how she … demanded that I sit after she conned me into singing some bedtime songs even though she insisted, just a moment prior, that she was going to bed when given the choice between singing and bed.

“Yup,” I said. “She does that a lot lately.”

The demands are coming more and more and it’s a bit hard to digest since they’re coming from a 2 year old. A 2 year old who sincerely is the sweetest little thing in the world. But I stand my ground (usually by ignoring) because I’m much bigger and refuse to live with a tyrant... Especially one that barely comes up to my waist. But really, it’s not that hard to deal with. She’s just expressing herself, I get it. I’d much rather her express herself than to hold it all in and eat it away or take it out on other kids or something. Not only that, but all I have to do is wait a minute and her sweetness prevails. Always does.

“Listen to sue-mic?” she says more softly a minute later.

I turn up the volume on the car radio and she starts singing a couple seconds later... But not to the song on the radio. Instead she starts singing one of the songs I sing to her before she goes to bed at nap or bedtime- if she lets me.

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
And when I woke dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you; please don’t take my sunshine away.

My smile gets bigger and tears creep into my eyes as we get closer to school.

“That was beautiful, honey,” I say a moment after she finishes.

"Thank you, Mama."

We never did stop for donuts. And it was no big deal. But her singing our bedtime song, the one I've been singing for nearly 28 months? Huge deal.

Me and my Lovie: snuggling on the couch watching TV before bed.
Yes that's authentic, natural silver hair. And yes, that is a binky her mouth.

Booktasticle Listicle

Books are awesome. Period.

The written word is awesome. Period.

If you have kids, books should be everywhere in your home. Period. Please don't argue with me on this one. Just don't.

Some of Lovie's favorites (that she reads or requests I read):

Bark, George- This book was gifted to us by a woman who works in my department. It's a silly book about a dog named George who moos, meows, quacks, etc instead of barks when his owner asks him to bark. The owner takes George to the vet to get to the bottom of the situation. It's silly, it's repetitive, Lovie loves it.

You're My Little Love Bug- This books was gifted to us by an aunt of mine. It's a board book which is great for little hands, and its tale is sweet and fun to read. There's a heart shaped opening on the last page where you can slide in an image of your little Love Bug. I enjoy reading this one and Lovie does now, too.

Christmastime is Here!- I picked this one up during this past Christmas season to talk about the holiday with Lovie before it came. Lovie took to this one and asked that we read it several times a day. I had to hide it (on top of her bookshelf) after Christmas because I just couldn't take it anymore. It's a Fisher Price flap book and I picked up another one after her obsession with this one- and she adores it just as much. These are MUST haves for toddlers in my opinion.

Potty- I picked this one up during at Target run just a couple months ago when the thought of potty training started to seep into my thoughts. Lovie took to this one right away and loves when we read it and talks about wanting to wear undies all the time, as a result. Too bad the book didn't actually do the training part.

I Love You So...- This book... I just cannot say enough good things about this book. I've written about it before and it's a book that I will be sure to hold on to forever. I bought it the day I found out Lovie was a girl and I cried the first several times I read it to her while she was still baking away. It's not a short book, but the pictures and the flow is nice and easy- and it's just my all time favorite books for my Lovie.

Some of My favorites:

As I Lay Dying- I had to read this one a good 20 years ago in one of my fiction writing classes in college. And I quickly fell in love. There's just so much about it- particularly the way it's written, the way the story is told that always makes me say this is my number 1 favorite book. Ever.

The Help- I love this book. I just really love this book. It makes me smile, it pisses me off, it makes me teary. It's just an all around fantastic read.

Running with Scissors- This is another one that I just absolutely love. It's funny, it's crazy, it's bold, it's sarcastic, it's brave. Love it and love Augusten Burroughs.

Little Bee- Oh boy. This isn't a book I care to ever read again but it's one that will stay with me in a kind of haunting way forever, I'm guessing. Oh the tears shed whilst reading this book.

Room- Thinking of this one, again, moves me. I guess that's what a good book, to/for me, does: it moves me. And if it moves me, if it touches me, it stays with me.

Multicolored

It was cool but sunny yesterday- a perfect day for a long walk/bike ride to the park and back. On the way back, I finally got some pictures of my Lovie on this bench, a favorite of mine in this hectic city; I asked her to climb on it for a minute. She chose the spot, she chose the "poses". Her hair looks awesomely out of control- thanks to her bike helmet- dontcha think?

Linking up with The Paper Mama's Challenge.

TILTW: 4.14-4.20

* It's been a busy week at work. And while the work days have flown by, it's been a long week somehow. I'm just feeling... tired. And older somehow.

* I made an executive decision and moved Lovie's bedtime back up to 7PM instead of the 7:20 it had been the past couple months. She's been a bear getting to sleep lately and I'm confident it's because she's 2 (duh) and because she's overtired. She stalls so much at bedtime, we fall for it, and then by the time she finally settles in to actually go to SLEEP, it's 8:30... at the earliest. Couple that with having to get her up at 5:30 and that's just not enough sleep for *my* 2 year old. So the past several days, I've gotten out of her bedroom by 7:30PM- at the latest (after going in there at 7 instead of 7:20)- and she's been settled down by 8. It may only be a half hour difference but it's definitely giving her more "patience" during the day.

* I'm finding myself growing less and less tolerant with people's lack of being open to other people's opinions lately. Like, I get you have a strong opinion on something, but guess what? Opinions are like assholes and everyone's got one. Just because you got one doesn't mean it's right and doesn't mean you can't be respectful to other opinions. Get the fuck over yourself already.

* Growing up, I always had friends who were older than me. Not sure if that's because I was the baby in the family and got along better with more "mature" folk or what, but I was generally one of the youngest people in my "circle." I'm not sure what the dealio is lately, and why I haven't noticed this before, but the past 10 years or so, I've become one of the oldest in my "circle." Hell I'm even older than my husband. Not sure what or why it is exactly but this just hit me. This week. Yesterday as a matter of fact. And guess what else? I see a significant difference between me and those just 10 years younger than me. WHEN DID I GET SO OLD-LIKE? I'm not even (yet) 40, for crying out loud so why am I feeling so ... different? so ... old?!

the Stick incident

Kids- even toddlers- can be mean. It's unfortunate, but it's life.

Having a baby a toddler who is so smart and incredibly sweet, I want to preserve it all- the kindness, the sweetness, the innocence. I want to bottle it all up into little pills I can empty into my hand and give to her when she needs it. Because. She will need it. We all need it.

We stopped off at the park yesterday and surprisingly, it was pretty empty save for a mom, dad, 4 year old boy, and about 2 year old girl and their baby sibling tucked into an infant carrier. They sat at the entrance to the playground equipment: Mom was working on something in her lap, Dad was helping the Girl with some bubbles, Boy was whining to Mom that he wanted one of them to play with him.

"You have to learn to play by yourself," Mom snapped and Boy went running off toward Lovie and me.

"Can you play?" he asked Lovie, who, in turn, just looked at him smiling. "Do you wanna play with me?" he asked again before turning away from us and quickly zipping away.

Lovie looked at me and smiled and headed toward the big kitty litter box sand box. I took a seat at one of the picnic tables and watched.

A minute later the Boy was back and wanting to play in the sand with Lovie. When Mom caught wind, she barked, "Get out of the sand! I told you not to play in it!" before Dad came over to whisk him away. Lovie just looked at them all like they were from Mars and continued shoveling the sand.

Soon Mom was taking the kids out to the middle of the open grassy area of the park to fly a kite and Lovie tried following.

"I go wit my friends," she told me. 

The family wasn't interested in Lovie and she can't just up and go off anytime she pleases so I got her to start playing back in the playground. A few minutes later the Boy came back asking if we were leaving. After I told him that we weren't, he asked if Lovie wanted to play.

"She does want to play with you but she's not as fast as you are."

"Well how old is she?" he asked. "I'm 4. And I'm going to be 5, then 6, then 7-8-9-10!"

I chuckled and told him that she was 2.

And just like that, the Boy was off running and I tried getting Lovie to follow him but it didn't last long before she lost track of him and found interest in a stick. 

So Lovie was off playing with a stick, minding her own business, while the Boy was off playing by the water fountains when all of a sudden the Girl appeared. I was sitting on a bench watching, but I wasn't very close: The Girl walked right up to Lovie, smacked the stick out of her hand (but never touched Lovie), and yelled, "NO!" along with something else I couldn't make out.

Lovie immediately tucked her chin into her chest and just stood there. Frozen.

The Girl kept glaring at Lovie, even tilting her head to get a more direct, evil, taunting glare.

My heart raced and I, too, froze. Do I swoop in and tell the little brat that there was absolutely no fucking reason to do that? Do I shout from where I am? Do I let Lovie fend for herself?

The Girl didn't actually touch Lovie. I think that's what I was waiting for- a push or something. From the Girl, not Lovie because Lovie just isn't a fighter. At all. 

A year ago, Lovie would've started crying; I have no doubt. And while I wasn't sure what to expect her to do, how she would react, seeing her frozen there like that? Hurt. Bad. And I could feel the tears well in my eyes because my baby was hurting and because I just sat there, allowing it to happen. 

The whole exchange took all of one minute, tops, and soon the Girl took off running back out to both of her kite-flying parents who seemed to forget they had small children in a very open park setting. Lovie just remained frozen. She didn't cry, she didn't get her stick back, she didn't sit down, she didn't look for me. She just stood there. Completely defeated.

Slowly, I made my way over to her and asked if she was OK. She just looked at me and I could see it in her face- the emotional hurt she was feeling.

Lovie's a talker and doesn't have a problem expressing herself normally. But she said nothing about what happened. Nothing. I hate that she just took this "abuse." I don't want her physically pushing back, necessarily, but I do. not. want. her. taking. abuse. from. anyone.

"You're OK, honey," I said. "You want help building a castle?" I asked, placing her bucket nearby.

I wanted to tell her more, but I wasn't sure what else to say: People suck? People are assholes? Not everyone wants to play with you? She's 2. She thinks that everyone is her friend. Yes, some people DO suck. But until I can bottle up her pureness, she doesn't need to come to terms with the reality that people suck just yet.

taken within minutes of Stick incident

So instead, I sat right there by her side as she filled her bucket up with wood chips before running around the playground and making her way to a ladder and slide. And I smiled oh so proudly when she blew past the Girl on the ladder (without pushing or anything) and up the platform then down the slide, all while the Girl tried getting up the ladder.

"How old is she?" the Dad finally asked me.

"She's 2; end of December," I replied keeping my eyes on her feet in case one slipped from the thick metal rung.

"Oh," he said, trying to help his Girl figure out how to climb the ladder on her own.

2.) I thought my child was going to _______, but instead he/she _______.

Memories Captured: In my heart