Guess how much

If you don't have a Borders card, you should. Particularly if you have kids. Nothing steams me more than finding a parent who doesn't read to their child. Like my own brother, for example.

Gross.

So to help celebrate my brother's youngest sons 1st birthday coming up next month, I'm sending him a book. TO READ. And since the near-1 year old can't read, maybe his momma or papa will. Even though they actually pride themselves as being non-readers.

Tools.

Anyway... because I'm a Borders member and signed up to get emails - something else I'd highly encourage - I got a 40% off coupon good until tomorrow. So during my lunch break I headed over to Borders and picked up three sale priced board books (I didn't see this marked anywhere but apparently they are buy 2 get 1 free so score for me!!) for my Lovie and my brothers and the full price book that I chose to have the 40% coupon be applied to is one I've been wanting to get for a while: Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney.



If you haven't read it, you should.

If you have a child you should get it for them. Now. And then read it to them over and over again and you'll create a memory for a lifetime.

Want proof?

Well that same brother I mentioned above has an older son who will be 18 tomorrow. Without going into the sordid details, my brother and nephew haven't been in contact with one another for YEARS now.

Disgusting, I know.

I lived with my brother and said nephew when the boy was 4 until he was almost 9 (long story left for another day- maybe). I read to him every single night. And every single night, before going to bed we would tell each other, "I love you." And, because of Guess How Much I Love You (really, you must read it and get it for your child), we extended that to "I love you to the moon and back and more." (My nephew added "and more.")

And even though said nephew will be 18 tomorrow, my Facebook message today wishes him a Happy Birthday and it also says, "I love you- to the moon and back and more." Actually it says "I love you TTMABAM" because it's 2010 and that's what you do to long phrases.

So there you have it: Proof that every parent (or person desperately wanting to be a parent and/or acting as a parent) should read to their child.

Guess what I'll be reading to Lovie tonight? Hint: Not Goodnight Moon! ;)



2 more hours, baby doll...

I hate my guts!

Let me start from the beginning: I'm fat. Probably obese, to be honest.

When I knew that we would soon be ready to try and conceive a child, I went to my OBGYN and talked to him about a lot of stuff, including my weight. I was concerned that it, along with my age, might play a role in getting pregnant or not. He assured me that while it may have an impact, and that it would be best if I was at a lower weight, it didn't mean that I shouldn't try to get pregnant and have a baby. And when I did get pregnant and lost the baby, again I questioned him about my weight and again he assured me that it most likely was not the only reason I lost the baby (missed miscarriage) if it was even a reason at all. He urged me to keep trying to have a successful pregnancy if that's what I wanted to do.

So I did. And while I tried to lose weight in the meantime, it wasn't happening because I was very hurt, very angry, very bitter after my miscarriage- and, sadly, I tend to turn to food in times like that. Poor excuse? Absolutely, but it's the truth and I own it.

When I got pregnant with Lovie, again we talked about my weight and again he assured me that everything should be fine, that I should just make sure to take my prenatal vitamins and try to eat healthy. And let me just say that finding out I was pregnant (both times) was great incentive to eat better. And I did. In fact, I only ended up gaining like 10 pounds during my pregnancy with Lovie and after birth, was 20 pounds lighter than I was when I first got pregnant! HOLLA!!

Another reason I questioned my doctor so much about my weight and pregnancy is because I've read that larger women tend to have c-sections more often... And when I brought this up to him he assured me that he likes to do the opposite with heavier women. He likes to avoid c-sections at all costs regardless who his patient is, but especially if they are overweight.

Unfortunately, he wasn't on call the day I went into the hospital (induction)- December 27th. Nor was he on call the next day after my water broke. And when it came to start pushing (finally!!) at 10PM on December 28th, he still wasn't on call. So I pushed on the advice of another doctor in the practice whom I met twice prior - once being the week before induction when she urged me then to go with a c-section before even being induced.

Now, I wasn't one of these women who have this strict birth plan written down to be followed like the Bible. My main goal was to have a happy and healthy baby and my only Plan was to listen to what the doctors suggested I do to ensure that I get a happy and healthy baby. So when she told me to push, I pushed with a vengeance. I couldn't feel a thing (drugs!) but made sure to push as if I was trying to get a Mini Cooper out of me. I wanted to meet my Lovie more than anything in the world so that's all I focused on.

Two hours later, I stopped pushing. Lovie's head would start to crown and then as soon as I would take a breath, she'd slide back up the canal. That and every time I pushed, her heart rate dropped. So it was time to go get sliced open.

I was very upset. Not because I didn't want a c-section, not because it wasn't in my Bible Birth Plan, but because I was incredibly exhausted and hungry (I had gestational diabetes so hadn't been allowed anything more than water since 8PM on December 27th and it was just about to roll into December 29th!). Fortunately I fell asleep while they were getting everything ready (they took their time because Lovie's heart rate was fine as long as I wasn't pushing so this wasn't an "emergency" c-section) and once they rolled me into the operating room and laid me out like Jesus on the cross, Lovie was born shortly thereafter at 1:20 in the morning on December 29th.

Recovery was rough. I won't lie. It hurt like hell just going home in the car...and I don't even want to think about how I got up the stairs into our apartment!

Anyway, ever since the surgery, my guts have hurt. And I swear they must've put things back in wrong or something because stuff just doesn't digest the way it used to!! So when I get my period or food isn't digesting properly, man do I hate my guts! I have to blame it on the c-section, right?

4 months old!

This is taken from my Lovie's blog - a private blog documenting Lovie's life and my love for her, a blog which will be turned into a book and given to Lovie one day.

My dear [Lovie],

Today marks your 4th month here with us and for some reason today’s milestone leaves me quite emotional. Let’s be honest here, I’m generally a pretty emotional person to begin with – especially when it comes to you; but there’s just something about 4 months that’s hitting me kind of hard.

Maybe it’s that you’re officially no longer a Newborn… maybe it’s that you’re really growing into this amazing little person instead of just the cutest baby in the world… maybe it’s that I waited so long to have you and now that you’re here, time just seems to slip through my hands and I just want to cherish every single moment – yet here you are 4 months old already! Whatever the reasons for my emotional ride today, they are fantastic reasons because they all revolve around you, my love.

You’re really becoming such an amazing little person, [Lovie]. Every day we have these little chats and I swear you understand what I’m saying at times, and boy can’t I wait to start really understanding what you’re saying, too…Because you’re definitely saying a lot. And singing, too!

It’s really incredible to be witness of all this amazing growth of yours, to see all the wonderment in your world every single day – and not only to witness it but be such an integral part of it.

Your latest fascination is with your hands (still) and feet. You’ve been using your hands more and more with every passing day and lately you’re getting super close to really learning how to manipulate things with your hands. Often when you’re eating, your hands help hold the bottle. And if they’re not holding the bottle, they’re holding onto my hand (or a finger). The same thing is happening with toys and it couldn’t come at a better time because we’re pretty sure you’ve been teething and it will come in great convenience once you learn that your hands can help bring stuff you grasp to your mouth. I think my favorite thing you’ve been doing with your hands lately, is resting them onto my hand as if to hold my hand – particularly in the middle of the night when I’m saying goodnight or trying to soothe you. That, and when you bring your hands to my face. They are such incredibly sweet and tender moments and ones that really make me realize just how incredibly blessed I am to be YOUR mommy!

Your hands are also grabbing your feet and toes a lot lately, too. When laying on your back, you’re constantly throwing your legs up in the air to grab at and hold onto your feet and toes. It’s so stinkin’ cute! Soon, those feet will be in your mouth, I’m sure of it! And when we’re playing and “I’ve got your feet!” you giggle so much – especially when I pretend to eat your little piggies! :) So much fun we have!!

Another thing that you’re learning to master lately is sitting. Any time we’re playing or I’m reading to you or whatnot, you’re always trying to sit up straight which is why we got the Bumbo chair for you several weeks back. And boy do you like sitting in that… it turns you into a big girl and gives you a whole new perspective on your surroundings.

On the contrary, you also LOVE to stand. Of course we have to hold you up, but boy oh boy does your face light up with the biggest smiles when we hold you up and your feet hit the ground or our lap. “Look at the big girl!” I exclaim and it’s like we won the lottery!

And that’s exactly how I feel about you, my love bug. Like I’ve won the lottery. Life simply couldn’t be any better and it’s all because of you… and some days, I start to believe that you actually get that – how incredibly loved and cherished you are: You’re always looking for me when I’m not holding you and whenever our eyes meet, your face just lights up with a big smile. And my heart just swells and I just can’t help but to think, Yup, I won the lottery; after 37 years, I finally won the lottery and it comes in the shape of a 4 month old named [Lovie].

Happy 4 months, sweetheart.

if you have to ask...

Sometimes I'm left wanting to scream at people but then I realize they can't hear me through the computer.

And I'd probably get fired.

I spend far too much time online while working. I fully admit this. And because of this, I'm oftentimes reading some really stupid things (it's the internet after all) and my latest annoyance are the questions people ask:

Is it wrong if I...

-run outside naked?
-send hundreds of text messages to a guy I'd boink if I wasn't married?
-leave my newborn in the car with the doors locked while I run into the gas
station for smokes and a Red Bull?

Sure those may be silly examples, and not necessarily ones I've run across (though maybe they are... hmmmm), but my point is that lately I've seen this a lot and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs:

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK... ... ... ...

Clearly you know the answer to such a question ... OR YOU WOULDN'T ASK IT. You just want some other asshole to validate that you're not alone with what you want to do or think. But the truth of the matter is that Yes, It is Wrong but it doesn't matter because you're going to do it anyway.

OK. I'm all better now.

3 in 2

I'm battling a cold.

Ridiculous.

I've been back to work for 2 months (next week) and I've been sick three times and have gotten my period three times.

Is this the Universe's way of telling me something? I mean, I don't WANT to be at work so I'm not sure what the point could be.

Thank God Lovie's been OK - aside from having a stuffy nose since day three at daycare, which has since turned into a runny, snotty nose the past couple weeks. And holy hell can I not take those slimy stretchy boogers!!

Stinky, shitty diapers - ok.

Slimy, stretchy boogers - NASTY!

Heh, yet what I wouldn't do right now to be sitting trying to catch said slimy, stretchy booger from Lovie's tiny button nose instead of sitting here at work bitching about how I'm battling a cold whilst "working".


7 more hours love bug...

A year ago today

taken from my pregnancy blog:

I don't even know where to begin... a part of me feels sick to my stomach, a part of me wants to cry with joy, a part of me just doesn't believe it quite yet. But just in case it's true, I need to start this blog up today.

According to an online Due Date Calculator I found, I very well could be having a baby around January 1, 2010!

Right now, I have tears forming. Oh my God!

This isn't the first time I've been down this road... a road where we hope and pray that with every passing cycle, AF would skip town and I would be pregnant with our first child. Sadly, the first time we went down this road, I was blessed with four weeks of falling more and more in love with someone that I would never meet. Thursday will mark nine months since we had to say goodbye. It's been one of most trying roads I've ever traveled in my 36 years of life. And I pray to God that I don't have to go down that path again.

That said, you'd think that I would know the "rules" by now: A line is a line is a line is a line! The thing is that this has been such a crazy cycle (my temp took a dive for two days and I had four days of spotting). Plus the HPT I took this morning, just 2 and a half hours ago, had a very faint line and last time I got a very faint line, I ended up having to have a d and c four weeks later.

I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm .... everything right now.

I want this more than anything and I actually do feel like this is it: I'm pregnant and I'm having a New Year's baby.

Hahaha!! :)

A New Year's Baby! It's funny because as every month escaped and got closer and closer
to 2010, I started hoping that we could conceive in time for a 2010 baby - the first one of the year. And then when I checked the online
calculator and matched it to my chart, by God it very well could happen! Ha!

I told S just before I left this morning. He's still sleeping when I leave so I crawled in bed with the test and gave him smooches like I normally do and told him that I was trying not to get too excited but that I thought I was pregnant. He pried open an eye to look at me and gave me a hug. I told him the test was the cheapie Dollar Store test, and the line was extremely faint like the last time.

"Do you think this could be it?" I asked him.

"I always think there's a chance you could be pregnant," he answered.

I wiped the tears and told him I would continue to temp the next couple days and if it's still high, then I would test with a digital at the end of the week.

Dear God, please please please please please let our
dreams come true and grant us this amazing gift which we promise to take care of like no other.

And gloriously, that line on a pregnancy test turned into this miraculous beauty just 8 months and 2 days later:

My life has never been more complete.

I'm jealous of Michelle Duggar

I'm not kidding.

Bitch probably has had her period less times in the past 20 years than I've had this year alone!

I really hate Aunt Flo!

Post-free Weekends

I normally don't post on the weekends.

I'm usually... ehm, more like ALWAYS ... too occupied with a little someone who is the light of my life, my everything, my Lovie.


I mean, really. Blog or look at that face? Blog or watch her giggle? Blog or clean that cute little butt of hers? Even when she's napping, like right now, I normally lay next to her and watch her... in fact, that's where I'm headed right now.

Hope your weekend has been as glorious as mine. And if you have a wee one at home, I really can't imagine how couldn't be.


P.S. Aunt Flo arrived earlier. Whorebag.

Little Piggies

I guess I was wrong with my guesstimation the other day when saying Lovie's tootsies had a good foot or so before touching the floor whilst in her Jumperoo. As you can see from above, it's only a couple inches. ;)

I put her back in it yesterday (these pics are from day before though) and she really likes playing with the toys. And to keep her from just hanging there, I tuck a pillow under her feet.

Ack, I could just so easily nom on those little piggies!

6 hours 15 minutes, baby doll...

Lead by Example

Late yesterday I noticed something on my sister-in-law's Facebook. It was something I took offense to - and not in the way I think they think. Basically a picture was posted and the caption was quite stereotypical toward one race. This wasn't the first time she's joked around about stereotypes (ALWAYS toward black people). And while I haven't said anything to them directly in the past, I'm done holding my tongue now.

I'm not black, but my husband is and my daughter, therefore, is half black. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let my own family spew such ignorance. So I commented, basically stating what I just said and asking that they not get defensive but rather just move on and try not posting such comments in the future where I can see.

Of course that didn't go over well. I'm not sure what the fuck I was thinking. No, actually I do know what I was thinking. I was thinking about Lovie, like I always do. I was thinking that it's a fucking shame that in 2010, with a 1/2 black President, my own fucking family can't stop with the damn stereotypes. I was thinking that I need to come up with a plan - already - as to what to teach Lovie when it comes to racism and how to handle it. I was thinking that it's fucking RIDICULOUS that I have to think about this when she's not even 4 months old!

No, my SIL didn't use the "N word". No, she didn't come right and say something derogatory toward black people. But the innuendo was there and frankly I've put up with three years (that's how long they've been married) of their utter bullshit.

So after picking up Lovie from daycare (thanks for the big smiles baby doll) and getting home, I commented on the picture and then I closed out of the computer and played with Lovie, fed her, gave her a bath, and put her to bed.

My time is her time. My life is hers.

After Lovie was asleep and after eating some dinner I tried watching American Idol but ended up falling asleep. It was barely 8. I decided to just go ahead and go to bed but had to go to the bathroom first. So whilst sitting on the pot, I checked Facebook (stupid fangled technology allowing me to go online using my cell phone!) and saw the responses from my ignorant, white trash family (just my SIL and brother- I shouldn't say 'family' and insinuate that *all* my family is as ignorant as those two are).

I got pissed. I wanted to respond for them to actually READ what I wrote as I didn't see how Lovie being beautiful has a fucking thing to do with their stereotypes not affecting her. She's 1/2 black. If you're fucking throwing negative innuendos out there toward one specific race then guess what? Whether a person be cute or talented or rich or only 1/2 of that race makes no difference! You're still talking about them! DUMB FUCKING MORONS!

Needless to say I didn't sleep well. I was steaming. I tried not thinking about it but I just couldn't let it go. I kept thinking of my rebuttal.

Then the husband came to bed at 130am and Lovie started to cry at 2am. So I was awake. And I wanted to go on Facebook but I didn't. I just laid on the couch outside Lovie's room stewing. She started fussing again at 330 and when I went in to give her a binky, she looked at me.

The trust this innocent life has in me is just so incredible.

I gave her a binky and shhhh'd softly as my hand rested on her little chest and my finger stroked her soft cheek.

She just looked at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. Her hands wrapped around my hand and held me there as she sucked away on her Binky.

I nearly cried through my smile.

I love this little being so much. It's just all so incredible.

I do believe I would actually kill for her, which is kind of scary to think about.

I just want to protect her and hold her, but at the same time, I want her to see the world and all the beauty that does exist... like the big open sky and the leaves on the trees which she watches every morning as we walk to the car.

And that's all that matters when it comes down to it: Lovie... and her happiness and her innocence and her trust and her everything.

I cannot change anyone. I can only change myself. I can only be sure to represent someone that I hope Lovie will become one day. No, I don't want her to be me... but I want her to be a good, caring, loving, respectable, open-minded, giving, honorable person. So I need to be this person. I feel I am generally this person but I can't let anger and other people's ignorance get to me because I don't want it to get to Lovie when she's older.

Lead by example.

All that said, I decided to let it go and ignore my SIL and my brother's comments. Clearly nothing I say or do will change what they think, say, or do. That's all on them now.

(Ironic thing to this posts' ending, which wasn't planned and just happened - gotta love the written word at times, eh? - the picture that my SIL posted was of her teen son and the caption that got under my skin was his words apparently and she was just being "proud" - her words, not mine - of him. LEAD BY EXAMPLE, PEOPLE.)